How do you save an atheist philosopher (AP) from suicide? Here’s how.
AP: Are you
here to dissuade me from taking my life?
Me: No. Not
really. I am actually here to know why.
AP: Why? You
mean why I want to die?
Me: Yes, why?
Tell me what led you to this day.
AP: That’s a
strange question. I can’t escape today you know. It will come anyway. I can’t
skip it, go around it or hide from it. So what led me to this day I guess is chronological
inevitability.
Me: Erm…I
know today as a day is inevitable. But what made you choose today as the day
you take your own life?
AP: Well, it
might as well be today rather than any other day because yesterday would be too
soon and tomorrow too late.
Me: What
gives then?
AP: Life, my
friend, life gave up on me.
Me: Life gave
up on you today?
AP: Yes, it
did. I don’t see how I can live another day considering how life has given up
on me.
Me: Wow,
that’s profound. Tell me more.
AP: Do you
know pain, my friend?
Me: (quiet)
AP: Pain of
existence, the hollow experience, shallow and superficial. I have lived for long
enough to know that all that is meaningless. It is a rut, a labor of futility,
a drifting with no anchorage, a ghost without hope. So life walked out on me.
It just left.
Me: So what’s
next?
AP: End of
life of course. End of what is causing so much pain. You end life, you end the
pain.
Me: But isn’t
that a permanent solution to a temporary problem?
AP: Ha!
That’s a permanent solution to a permanent problem!
Me: But have
you not experienced the other side of life? The joy, the love,
the success, the hope?
AP: Are you
for real? Are you deluded? Don’t you know that joy exists as a slave to sorrow,
love is a prisoner of betrayal, success is a mirage for failure and hope is the
drug that deluded being like you take to live another day so that you can be
tortured again for another day.
Me: Wow, you
make it sound like living is hell and death is heaven.
AP:
Ahh…heaven. For now heaven to me is non-existence. That’s heaven!
Me: But isn’t
non-existence non-existence?
AP: (squints)
Me: I mean
why choose non-existence over existence when not existing means never knowing
about knowing, never learning about learning, and never feeling about feeling.
Doesn’t that make living more bearable? At least in living, you live. You know.
You learn. You feel. In dying, you are nothing. Full stop. And please tell me the
basis for your comparison between what you perceive as hell in living and heaven
in dying? How do you tell the difference? You have not died before right?
AP: Mm…I see
where you are going with all this. But still living is pain. Can you understand
that? Now, it is not about the mindless tragedy or meaningless suffering in
this world so much as it is about the pain of mere existence. This pain is intimately
felt and very much subjective. It is what I’d call the beholder’s eye. The pain
is in the eye of the beholder. You get it?
Me: Kind of
get it. I recall a philosopher once said, “To
be born in imbecility, in the midst of pain and crisis: to be the plaything of
ignorance, error, need, sickness, wickedness, and passions…never to know where
you come from, why you come and where you are going.” All that is life. You
agree?
AP:
Ahh…Diderot. You quoted him well…quite timely too. That pretty much sums up my
sentiments about life. And I like the part about the plaything of ignorance,
error, need, sickness, wickedness and passions. We are but puppets in their
hands. The illusion of free will is itself an illusion to keep us always
believing but never in control. Life plays with us the
same way Hitler played with his generals or Stalin played with his ministers. And
the greatest puppet master of them all is none other than that grand old man in
the sky. He plays with us incessantly, unceasingly, ungenerously and he has all
eternity to do it.
Me: Well, I
don’t think this is a time to talk about him right?
AP: Yes, yes,
he might just tip the scale for me right here and right now.
Me: I see.
But if religion of the divine is the cause of your ire, can I interest you with
the religion of the community or humanity then?
AP: You mean John
Donne’s no man is an island? Well, you do know that hell is other people too
right?
Me: Jean-Paul
Sarte…
AP: (nods and
smiles)
Me: Yes, but the
bell tolls for all of us, right? Death seeks and calls us all out. And time
works with death in a deadlock of two intertwining barb wire to make sure that
when it’s time, it’s time right?
AP: Mm…your
point?
Me: What if,
just what if, you go and your bell has yet to toll for you? What if you thought
it tolls for you and you take it as your cue when it’s not? Wouldn’t that make
it one ring and two deaths?
AP:
Interesting…but strange. You do know that you are taking this metaphor too far?
Anyway, let’s play along then. How do you know for whom the bell tolls? For all
you know, it might be for me, exclusively, and I would be a damn fool to miss
it.
Me: Well,
aren’t we all fools to die in our own hands?
AP: I concede
that. But living is no less foolish either, my friend. And tell me about the
bell thing since you have made it ring in my soul. How do you know it’s not for
me? What makes you so sure it tolls for another? This would be interesting. And
I assure you this, if you can answer this, and answer it well, you might just
save a life today…at least for now.
Me: But
that’s not the point. The bell tolls for all. It rings after a death and not
before. As such, the dead will not be hearing it. So it’s not about you or me. It
is merely reminding us about death while we are still living. It is not calling
us to take our own life. It is actually telling us to live and not die. If you
hear the bell tolls, then you are still alive and someone’s dead. So, it never
tolls for us at the time it is ringing. It is merely informing us that death
has occurred. But it is not yours. Not ours.
AP: Mm…red
herring my boy. You misled me with that bell tolling thing. John Donne would be
turning in his grave. But I am beginning to see your point. I am closer to the
guardrail now, away from the plunge. Tell me about the religion of humanity
bit. Stoke my mortal candle in this silent, deathly wind.
Me: Let’s go
back to Diderot then. You know that he rejected suicide right? He believed in
choosing life notwithstanding its
misery.
AP: Well, he died in the hands of nature by a
medical condition. That much I know.
Me: Yes, he
said that death is an unnatural act. It is contrary to nature. He said that
suicide is a rejection of our roles and responsibility in society. It is also a
rejection of the duty to ourselves.
AP: To
ourselves? What duty do we owe to ourselves except to make sure that we are reasonably
happy. Didn’t Baron d’Holbach say that “suicide
was so gleeful it was almost a giddy paean to the grave?” And how about
David Hume who openly endorsed suicide when life becomes unbearable. To that,
he said, “Tis the only way that we can
then be useful to society, by setting an example, which if imitated, would
preserve to every one his chance for happiness in life, and would effectually
free him from all danger of misery.” Death is to be welcome my friend, for
it is written, “To him who is fearless of
death, there is no evil without a remedy.”
Me: But isn’t
death the greater evil? What remedy then do we have against death?
AP: Death is
the remedy!
Me: Death is
the remedy to life but what is the remedy to death?
AP: Life I
guess. But that’s all philosophical hogwash, semantic bull. Why would I even
bother with life if it is death that I seek as the only way out?
Me: What’s
your hurry? Is death as an option ever going to be denied from you? Does it
make any difference if you should exercise that option tomorrow or the day
after tomorrow? And let these words by Herman Hesse be the cause of your
procrastination, “All suicides have the
responsibility of fighting against the temptation of suicide. Every one of them
knows very well in some corner of his soul that suicide, through a way out, is
rather a mean and shabby one, and that it is nobler and finer to be conquered
by life than to fall by one’s own hand.”
AP: I have
done my part in the conquest of life. I have fought it as valiantly as I could
possibly fight it. In the end, I have come to a point of my struggle to lean
on the side of death rather than life. So, maybe it is true that suicide is a
rather mean and shabby way to die, but life is no less mean.
Me: Sir, you
are not casting the net wide enough. How about your duty to humanity? It was
Kant who said, “The man who kills
himself, kills all men; as far as he is concerned he wipes out the world.”
AP: Kant….ahh….Kant.
That categorical imperative idealist. Most times, he casts a broken net. I
think humanity owes me a duty to let me die.
Me: How about
Chesterton? You heard of him right?
AP: He’s a
brute of a man. A Christian apologist, a formidable one, and very fierce in
logic. Minces no words I heard.
Me: Yes, he
said that suicide is not a sin but the sin. It is the absolute evil, for
refusing to take an interest in existence. He puts it better here, “When a man hangs himself on a tree, the
leaves might fall off in anger and the birds fly away in fury: for each has
received a personal affront.”
AP: Mm…I
recall a man once hung himself on a tree too. Didn’t Jesus commit suicide? For
he said, “No man taketh my life from me,
but I lay it down of myself.” Isn’t that a voluntary death? How do you
preach to him then?
Me: Are you
taking this path again? Do you want to talk about religion? You and I know very
well why he chose death for life.
AP: Well, at
least I know it was quite delusional. Even so, what if I tell you that I too
have my reasons…although god knows, it is not about him. Or maybe it is…(musing)
Me: (shaking my
head)
AP: Okay, I
was just playing with you. It’s call the plaything of irony. Now, let’s go back
to a religion of another kind, humanity.
Me: You are a philosopher right? Surely you must
respect Aristotle, Plato’s most enlightened student.
AP: (nods)
Me: He too
rejected suicide. He wrote that suicide is an injustice to society since it is
a form of larceny. It is stealing yourself away from others.
AP: Ha…you
can’t steal something that is not worth stealing. There’s no crime in taking
away discarded waste. What worth am I to this so called society who is more
deluded than I am? Like Hume said, I will be setting an example here for the
society. A very good one since you need to excise a cancerous growth before it
mutates further and infects the rest of the organs.
Me: Are all philosopher this grim? Or are you
being morbidly sarcastic?
AP: (laughs)
No, only the dying ones.
Me: Have you
thought about your future self then?
AP: Future?
My future was yesterday.
Me: Have you
heard of Titus Flavius Josephus?
AP: Yes, that
historian during Christ’s time. Quite great actually.
Me: Yes, he
was a Jewish commander who had to face the Romans in July 67 C.E. The onslaught
left thousands dead and Josephus and his men retreated into a cave and formed a
pact…a suicide pact. One by one, they drew lots to establish who was to kill
who first. This went on until two were left, Josephus and another. At this
point, they decided to surrender to the Romans and the rest is history, written
history. Josephus became an adviser to the Roman emperor, wrote many books,
married several times and fathered many children. So, if Josephus’s life ended
in the cave, that would be a most unfortunate end to a most illustrious and
very productive future.
AP: (sigh)
What is there left for me here? I am still in my cave…with you. Are we the
symbolic two to walk out of this cave? (laughs)
Me:
(chuckles) You know Ecclesiastes said, “Sadness
hath killed many, and there is no profit in it.”
AP: Mm…profit
is very much a matter of perspective my friend. (thinking) But you may have
push the right buttons with that future self thing…for now at least. Either
that, or talking to you is tiring and I am preferring sleep now to death. Let’s
hope I don’t sleep dreaming about it. Anyway, I guess there is such thing as what
John Keats once pointed out, “the vale of
soul making”.
Me: Vale of
soul making?
AP: Yes, he
explained that “we become something
greater than ourselves if we live through difficulties.” That’s the vale of
soul making.
Me: And
Robert Frost did remind us that “the only
way around is through.” And living through anguish can give a person
uncommon depth.
AP: Well I
don’t really know anything about uncommon depth. But talking to you can be quite
uncommonly disturbing (pause). Here, I recall a line from King Lear, “Ripeness in all.” Maybe that’s what it
is all about. Every circumstance we face is a crucible for growth. And pain is
inevitable in this crucible but not death. In fact, in all things, life should
be the default option. But still, the dread of living is no less dreadful. I
fear that this momentary alleviation I feel is only momentary. Tomorrow, the
dread will make sure I do it right and possibly without you.
Me: (smile) Have
you heard of Sisyphus then?
AP: Yes, that
poor man who offended Zeus and was punished to roll up a huge stone only to
have it rolled down near the top of the hill and to have it rolled up and down
again and again and again. That pretty much sums up the story of my life.
Me: Yes, but
Sisyphus persevered nevertheless. He resisted suicide.
AP: He’s a
myth my friend. In that screwed up world, they can do anything and still enjoy
it, especially that sex-depraved, power drunk king of gods, Zeus. It kind of
remind me of Hollywood.
Me: Yes, but you do know that that is not the point. Every myth uncovers a lesson right?
AP: Do I
sense a Camus coming my way?
Me: Mm…
(clears throat) he was the one who said that “suicide tempts us with the illusory promise of freedom, but the only
real freedom is to embrace the absurdity.”
AP: Embrace
the absurdity?
Me: Yes,
Camus encouraged us to imagine Sisyphus happy.
AP: Happy?
All that meaningless ups and downs.
Me: I thought
that was a myth?
AP: (squints)
Me: It is not
so much about the task at hand but what fills a man’s heart. Camus writes that
Sisyphus “is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock.” That’s what
it is all about. Are you stronger than
your rock? Are we stronger than our rock?
AP: Sounds a
tad too machismo for an old man like me.
Me: Isn’t the
absurd man the master of his fate?
AP: Maybe. He
is also insane and possibly a slave to it.
Me: You know
what is insanity? Let me flesh it all out for you. This is how Schopenhauer
describes life. This is rather long but really good. Bear with me. Here goes. “Many million, united into nations, strive
for the common good, each individual on account of his own; but many thousands
fall as a sacrifice for it. Now senseless delusion, now intriguing politics, excite
them to wars with each other; then the sweat and the blood of the great
multitude must flow, to carry out the ideas of individuals, or to expiate their
faults. In peace, industry and trade are active, inventions work miracles,
delicacies are called from all ends of the world, the waves engulf thousands.
All strive, some planning, some acting; the tumult is indescribable. But the
ultimate aim of it all – what is it? To sustain ephemeral and tormented
individuals through a short span of life, in the most fortunate case with
endurable want and comparative freedom from pain, which, however, is at once
attended with ennui; then the reproduction of this race and its striving.”
AP: Wow, an impressive
summary of life, or of humanity as a whole.
Me: How’s that
for a big rock of humanity? Is there anything more absurd than that?
AP: (gentle
smile) Since you put it that way, maybe my rock is a little less insane than
that.
Me: So, can
we imagine Sisyphus happy? Even for that brief moment when he reaches near the
summit, takes in the cool air, and then let it all go down in one swift,
careless motion. In its descent, as he watches the rock roll down and crash
onto the ground, he savors a moment of victory. And in that moment, in that
brevity of time, he is happy. He’s happy to be alive. He’s happy that he’s not
crushed by the rock. He’s happy to have done the job, for now. He’s happy to
have embraced absurdity. He’s just happy.
AP:
Mm…(chuckles). Embrace the absurdity...easy said. But not impossible I guess.
(pause) Young lad, have you the time for a drink? Tell me about yourself. Do
you believe in god? Now how does that work for you?
…Cheerz…
* Source: Stay by Jennifer Michael Hecht
* Image from bosniak.deviantart.com