My Bucket list of 7 Truckloads of BOVINEcrap

My Bucket list of 7 Truckloads of BOVINEcrap.

1) You cannot CHANGE. This is private enemy number one. We all can change. Let no one tell you otherwise. This fact is unchangeable. It is only whether we change for good or for something less so. Of course, my point is that we all can change for the better. I recall a saying that you either live your dream or you will be working all your life for someone who is living his. And living our dream is all about changing our mindset, our choices and our life. So, we can change. We can change even if changing means taking glacial-like steps towards our goal. John Grisham, before he became the bestselling author we have all come to admire, woke up early in the morning to write his novels one page at a time before leaving for work. He did this without fail every morning until he completed his novel. In his own words, he wrote, "The alarm clock would go off at 5, and I'd jump in the shower. My office was 5 minutes away. And I had to be at my desk, at my office, with the first cup of coffee, a legal pad and write the first word at 5:30, five days a week." It took him weeks and months to write a book but they all added up, page by page, chapter by chapter. And now look at him. He is rich enough to buy a few islands. The point is not about getting rich. It is about you. It's about change. It's about taking baby steps.

2) You can do ANYTHING if you believe. I know many out there will be tempted to cast stones at me. But I ask for forbearance first. This made it to my BOVINEcrap list because the truth is, you can't. You can't do anything even if you believe because it ultimately boils down to knowing yourself, being honest about it and being realistic. This gels with one whimiscal quote, “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it just annoys the pig.” I hope you get the drift – minus the “pig” part of course. The same way that a pig can’t sing, there are just some things that we can’t do. So, this BOVINEcrap no. 2 is more about reality-check than about limitation or giving up without trying. I know this appears to crash with the BOVINEcrap no. 1 above. Most times, it is not about “anything” but one or two definite things and life compels you to make that all-important decision. It is therefore not a carte blanche or blank cheque of anything-will-do kind of mindset. (DODGE!) I saw someone just threw a stone at me with the name "nick vujicic" on it. He wrote the book "No Limits" and he doesn't even have limbs. Now that is one amazing man and I underscore the word "one". But for every limitless Nick you unearth, I can roughly round up double or triple times the limited john, paul and that poor mike sleeping on the godforsaken street. Recall “reality check”? So, yes, you can change. Yes, you can make it eventually. But that doesn't mean that you can do anything if you believe. Again underscoring “anything”. The reality is that many dreams die stillborn, hopes abandoned, investments crashed and trust betrayed along this trying journey we call life. In the end, I advocate a balance between BOVINEcrap no. 1 and BOVINEcrap no. 2. That is, you can darn well change. But don't get ahead of yourself doing it. Lasso in your wild and misguided enthusiasm. Be realistic. Count the cost.

3) You are in CONTROL of your life. There is a saying that peace of mind comes when we tender our resignation from being the general manager of the universe. Alas, there are many general mangers in this world. Some have even elevated themselves to CEO status, that is, Chief Executive of Over-controlling. We are clearly not in control and letting go of this fact for some people is as nail-bitingly hard as trying to resist the urge to scratch that itch in their back. Even in our life, there are many uncontrollable variables. Genes, birthplace, parental background, social influences and political environment all conspire to ringfence us in. They are our default settings early in life. Multimillionaire JK Rowling once said, "Life is difficult and complicated and beyond anyone's control." I find that being in control is a delusion and only a neurotic would neurotically hold on to it as if his/her life depends on it. We are vulnerable. Our emotions sometimes get the better of us. We fall occasionally, sometimes quite pathetically. At times, we even fall out of control. I personally lost it a few times in my life and I am only 43. Holding it together sometimes is as tough as trying to pick up a lump of bull's shit at its cleanest end. My consolation however is that I learn as I go along and every lesson keeps me in a state of emotional and mental betterment to cope and deal with the next unpredictable fallout. So I say give up the illusion of control and live instead in a state of readiness and openness to learn from life's many meandering twists and turns. 

4) Love NEVER fails. As someone who have dealt with many divorces for many years, I have seen a lot of marriages broke up. They always starts off like a royal wedding and ends up like a quiet drive thru. Alas, love does sometimes fail (human love, that is). Even marriages ordained by priests, pastors or ministers don't beat the odds as compared to secular ones. Statistics don't lie and a union that appears unbreakable sadly breaks at the first outbreak of a big time crisis. The funny thing is that marriages die even before adultery rears its ugly head. Somehow, the first thing that kills a marriage is distraction. When one gets distracted, his heart gets divided. And when his heart gets divided, his devotion gets invited...elsewhere, that is. There is a saying that "when there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." Honestly, I have no formula or a 5-step manual to offer to guarantee that love and marriage, like horse and carriage, stays firm together like young cartilage. But for me, I guess the greatest gift to my children is my marriage and that motivates me always to put my wife first and myself all the way back in the row after the hello kitty queue. And by simple logic, not looking for no.1 for myself means that I am always mindful of being a servant of love and not its awful dictator, acting by whims and fancies.

5) Life is UNFAIR. Yup, I know. This runs counter to what we have been hearing. "Life is unfair, what" - how can that end up as BOVINEcrap no. 5. Isn't life unfair? Well, it is all about perspective. True, life is unfair. And I guess that is why Dr Goh Keng Swee once told Wee Cho Yaw that it is better to "be born lucky than smart". Or if I may add, "better born lucky than rich, powerful or pretty." Because wealth dissipates, empire falls and appearance ages, so a lucky man is definitely a happy man. But lady luck is extremely selective about who gets hitched by her. So, for the unlucky large majority, life can be very unfair. However, this is as far as I will go with it. It is BOVINEcrap no 5 not because it is untrue. But because too much of it makes miserable wretch out of us. It's like being OD'ed on negative overkill. I would like to turn it around to daringly exclaim that life is more fair than unfair because we need to count our blessings. For the so-called unlucky majority, there are many things in life to be thankful for. And a heart of gratitude is the first crucial step to a heart of quiet contentment. Furthermore, my fear is that we gripe so much about the unfairness in our life that we tend to overlook the less-obvious-but-no-less-important blessings staring right back at us. You see, each of us alive can consider that fact as blessing no. 1. This is followed closely by robust health. And then, if we reach out a little in faith for blessing no. 3, we will discover this truth: “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” And being who you are is enough to make a difference in your life. This difference, if committed to the end, will eventually tip the scale back in favor of fairness as a whole. So, life is unfair, ok, I hear you. But that doesn’t mean that you are obliged to add your weight to it.

6) Death is the END. Well, I can’t really argue with that. Death is indeed the end. But then, I guess there is another end worse than death and that brings me to BOVINEcrap no. 6. And mind you, I only make this a BOVINEcrap for ironic milking. Death may very well mark the end of a physical life. But what marks the end of living is not physical death, but the death of one’s spirit to live. I think we should not treat this lightly. I can’t think of any fate worse than to live outside and yet slowly dying inside. I know of people who live without meaning and purpose. They are merely existing. This is to me a death worse than death itself. I recall a saying by Picasso, “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” For such a person, devoid of both meaning and purpose, his life is all about taking and taking and seldom giving because he has yet to find his gift (or calling). My takeaway on this is that every life on earth has a special groove made just for him or her. But he/she has to actively search for it. It is a gift to be sought after because it has his or her name on it.  This is one’s reason for and joy of living. And to die without finding it is to have lived unfulfilled. Some of you may think that I am being too idealistic. But I think there is nothing wrong with idealism if it gives us reason to live our life to the fullest. Let me close with this well-wishing, “May you live everyday of your life.” Really LIVE!

7) We JUST happen. Finally, the last BOVINEcrap on my list. I reserved this last bit for those who don’t believe in anything that cannot be proven by science. The truth is, science, like law, doesn’t have a long reach. It is limited. Personally, I don’t think we just happened. Between the mystery of our origin and solving this mystery, I choose the former. Science has tried to solve this mystery by concocting up such theories like eternal inflation or multiverses and matchmaking them with darwinistic evolution. I think it is just a marriage of convenience and nothing more. I also think that it merely replaces one mystery for another with a hastily slapped-on label called “problem-solved-let’s-move-on.” I call this trivializing the infinity or evading eternity. Alas, the mystery of our origin will remain as a mystery whether that irks some people or not. I say this not because I prefer ignorance to discovering or learning. Mind you, I endorse learning as much as I endorse living to the fullest (I have a home library that I am so fabulously proud of). But the fact here is that what science cannot prove doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. This just smacks of scientific imperialism to me. After all is said and done, I always want to keep an open mind of things. I do not want to close any door, especially the metaphysical ones. Because you never know who might just be waiting for you at the other side of it. Cheerz.

* cover image taken from here.

Can we all just get along?

"I don't mind Jesus. It's His followers that I can't stand. That's why I do not go to Church." How will you respond to this unbeliever? (Dr Yap)

Nietzsche once said that the last Christian died on the Cross. So it seems like the person who posed the above question somehow shared Nietzsche's sentiments (or anguish?). Honestly, I can empathize with him. Their anguish is not misplaced. But the question here is, "Can they empathize with us, Christians?" We too have our own anguish.

We are only human. Christianity doesn't make overnight saints out of us. We will still stumble, disappoint and fail, sometimes big time. I think believing in a religion makes us even more vulnerable. Because, if you think about it, we are more likely as compared to an atheist to be labeled as a hypocrite. We cannot escape from the dreaded sin of double-mindedness. We are like walking “sin” barometer, always being measured against a biblical standard, and always under pressure (pun unintended). Alas, there is a saying, "The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant, systematic duplicity."

Further, we are constantly being judged by a standard made more onerous by the example of Christ and his disciples. They all died for their faith. Some died most exemplary. Imagine the pressure on today's modern churchgoers. The early Christians have thus set a template for Christ-like living and it is unavoidable, at times even unfair, for many to apply that same standard to see whether we consistently measure up.

No doubt we are called to live like Christ. But to expect us to model Christ word for word, deed for deed, and for most part of our conduct, with clockwork consistency, is a tall order this side of heaven. Frederick Buechner once defined a Christian as "one who is on the way, though not necessarily very far along it, and who has at least some dim and half-baked idea of whom to thank. "

Of course, there are great men and women of faith whom many consider as almost flawless in their speech and conduct. But I guess this is of little persuasion for some hardcore atheists. I guess the bar has already been set high for us and we are often given little elbow room to be human and to fall. Often, a misstep is magnified into a giant foot and a molehill of an error into a mountain of mistakes. I know to err is human. But for Christians, it is often an omen.

Then, to compound matters, there are the bad apples of the faith. I can now name half a dozen right off the top of my head. But I think you get the point. Everytime a priest, a pastor or a Christian falls, it won’t be long before you get such reaction like “they are all hypocrites,” “religion is evil,” and “Christians cannot be trusted.” Of course, thankfully, such extreme reaction exists in the minority. But nevertheless, the prejudice is silently pervasive and quite unmistakable; especially with the megachurches’ unintended exclusivity, the creationism vs evolution debates, and the gay marriage divide. The wedge goes deeper.

What’s more, talk to any atheists and they will readily offer you a litany of the ghosts of Christian past disgraces like the Medieval and Spanish Inquisition, the rampant witchhunts and the recent sex abuses. In their minds, quite arbitrarily and without questioning the credibility of such mental calculus, the net result of religion over the centuries always ends up negative instead of positive. This I guess is why the late Christopher Hitchens made this sweeping statement, "Religion poisons everything."

So, I guess, understanding and empathy are required on both sides of the fence. Humanly speaking, and in general, believers differ little from non-believers in words and deeds. As such, we should not discriminate against those who do not share our faith. Neither should the non-believers judge us just because we fail to live up to the teachings of our belief. In the end, focusing on our flaws only widen the differences between us. May I suggest another angle, that is, to seek common ground.

I think there is a common thread that runs through all of us, believers or otherwise, and it is in the words of Martin Luther King, "We must learn to live together as brothers (and sisters) or perish together as fools.” This sentiment is shared by Archbishop Desmond Tutu in the title of his book, God is not a Christian. In fact, the great soul Gandhi once said that God has no religion.

Considering that the word “Christian” is only mentioned thrice in the Bible, and that the description did not even exist at the time Jesus was crucified, I think King, Tutu and Gandhi hit the nail right on its head on our shared destiny. This shared destiny should unite us and not divide us. And the bond that unites us is not exclusively drawn from any particular creed or religion. Neither is it from a specific orthodoxy nor a cultural group. But what joins us together is our common heritage, our common hope and our common aspiration as human beings living on this common estate we call earth and bound together in a common fate we call humanity.

At the end of the day, we are social beings and religion does not exist in a vacuum. I guess our humanity is what makes what we believe believable. And our humanity humanizes all of us. No one can therefore boast that subscribing to a religion transforms, ennobles and elevates him beyond those who professes none. For didn't Jesus say, "This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples - when they see the love you have for each other." Love therefore makes the difference and by loving one another, we do away with the differences.

If anything, religion, like a blinding floodlights, exposes the ugliness of our lives, that is, our brokenness, our inmost corrupt desires, and our fallibility. I guess that is what being a follower means. It means that we are always a few steps behind from the ideal, sometimes we even lag way behind, momentarily lost and at times, disoriented. This is why we need a community of people, whether believers or not, to give us room to grow and to always remind us this, "In our infinite ignorance, aren't we all equal?"

So, we need each other; that is an understatement I guess. We need a community of love, understanding and hope to live together. Notwithstanding our differences, it is this common purpose that will close the gap. And as for the metaphorical, maybe if we all look long, hard and deep enough, within each of us, there may exist an illumed desire, a quiet yearning, a silent cry for a connection that reaches beyond the hereafter. Cheerz.

A father's National Day message to his son.

On national day, our prime minister will be giving his usual speech. You can expect a lot of anecdotal accounts of how well and resilient we as a nation have been during this uncertain economic climate. You can also expect his characteristic wit and down-to-earth delivery to endear the listeners to his message. 

Likewise, I wonder, being the head of my family, whether I have a like-minded message for my son (who is only 11). Of course, my message would be tailored to provide him with general principles that are readily available when he needs them.  They would be more like guideposts to point him in the right direction. One author in fact calls it the middle axioms.

So, without the media-hype, my "national day message" to my son would go something like this.

Dear son, when you are old enough to read this, I would like to start you off in life with this question: What kind of person do you want to be? This requires deep personal soul searching because an unexamined life is not worth living. You see, in order to know what kind of person you want to be, you will need to know the purpose of your life. Everyone must find his own purpose in life. And you are no exception. So, give it some thought, my son, because when you start your life right, you will generally end well. 

Of course, your views of life will change as you mature, as you transit from being a student to a young adult, as you embark upon your career and take that all important step to marry, and as you start a family and manage all the challenges that life as a father, husband, and citizen will bring. But in all these changes, I expect that your core purpose will remain unchanged since you are created by God and anointed for good works. 

Now, to help you get started on your path to self-discovery, let me introduce you to some people who had led a purpose-driven life.  They are a nurse, a civil rights leader and a resilient couple. You can say that they knew their purpose intimately (even without consciously articulating them) and they lived out their ordinary life with extraordinary courage. I am sure their life will teach you some valuable lessons about living yours. More importantly, I trust that they will inspire you to move forward with your life.

The first of them is a lady who died for what she believed in. And what was her belief? She believed in helping and saving people even in the worst of times. She was trained as a nurse during the First World War and ran a hospital as a matron with a cadre of nurses under her supervision. 

Her name is Edith Cavell. She may not be as well known as our modern day superstars like Lady gaga or David Beckham. But believe you me, Edith lived her life with uncompromising principles. And for her passion and devotion, her contribution will forever live in the memory of anyone who has read about her life.

As a nurse, Edith's calling was not only to help the sick and afflicted. But during the war, when the German army entered and occupied Brussels, where she worked, her mission took an unexpected turn. She converted her hospital into a refuge for fugitive soldiers.

The former British prime minister, Gordon Brown, has this to say about Edith’s life in his book Courage, "Edith Cavell's entire life was one of action over inaction; leaving her work as a governess and turning to nursing; applying repeatedly for more senior nursing positions, establishing a teaching hospital - and a profession within a nation - from scratch, despite repeated setbacks; not simply accepting fugitive soldiers under her shelter, but helping them secure false documents, money, and guides to reach safety. Edith never seemed to lack the courage to act, even when such action put her own life at risk." 

Edith was the Oscar Schindler of the Nazi era in WWII; forsaking the comfort of a good life and risking everything to shelter, nurse, protect, guide and transport prisoners of war to safety.

But when the Germans realized what she had done, they arrested her and forced her to sign a confession. She remained in prison for ten weeks thereafter and on 12 October 1915, Edith faced the firing squad and was executed.  

Before she died, she wrote these words, "I have no fear or shrinking. I have seen death so often that it is not strange or fearful to me. I thank God for this ten weeks quiet before the end. Life has always been hurried and full of difficulties. This time of rest has been a great mystery. They have all been very kind to me. But this I would say, standing as I do in view of God and eternity: I realize that patriotism is not enough; I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone." 

Son, Edith is one of those rare personalities in history that you must never forget. But her courage and generosity are not rare to those who live life with a purpose. She knew who she wanted to be and stood steadfast by it. Guided by unshakeable principles, a steely resolve and a heart of compassion, Edith showed the world that one unassuming, lone nurse can make a difference, even in a cruel and senseless world. 

At this point, I am reminded of these words by the philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, "He who has a Why to live for can bear with almost any How". 

My son, please search with all your heart for this often overlooked but highly relevant "Why to live". It is the only way your life will glow with purpose, deepen with meaning, and endure even during the worst of time. This “Why to live” will keep you meaningfully busy and distract you from the pain of this world.

Let me introduce you to the next person who understood this "Why to live". He was a Baptist minister, a civil rights activist, a Nobel prize winner and a man whose broken heart knew no hatred. He is Dr Martin Luther King.

If you are touched by the life of Edith Cavell for her heart of gold, this man should do the same for you for his heart of forgiveness. The space in this short letter will not do justice to his remarkable life. So, just a foretaste of it here will do. 

Dr King was a victim of many things. He was cruelly discriminated for being an African American, thwarted in every step of the way for his socioeconomic background, and even despised and jailed repeatedly for standing firm on one of the bedrock principles that America was founded upon, that is, freedom from discrimination by the color of one’s skin. His five-year-old son once asked him, “Daddy, why do white people treat coloured people so mean?”

For every injustice he received, Dr King had every earthly-justified reason to fight back and rage on against the power-that-be. But he nevertheless kept his heart from the abyss of hatred and revenge. This is even so when he witnessed his mother being shot while she was playing the organ in her church. The assassin shot his mother because she was conveniently closer to him. The bullet was meant for his father. Dr King himself was a target of many assassination attempts and he was finally killed by one of them.

In the face of his valley of the shadow of death, Dr King stood up to be counted and penned these unforgettable lines, "I will go on thanking God for what I have left. For the rest of my days, I will not hate. I will not hate. I want to go on record that I will not hate."  He also wrote these words, "On some positions, cowardice asks the question, "Is it safe?" Expediency asks the question, "Is it polite?" And vanity comes along and asks the question, " Is it popular?" But conscience asks the question, "Is it right?""

Son, there will come a time in your life where circumstances will test you, stretch you, and even plot to fail you. Do you then run or stand up to be counted? Do you cower and compromise or face the storm and ask, "Is it right?" 

But wait...you may ask: Aren't all these idealistic talks reserved for legends of history and not ordinary folks like me? I hope I had anticipated your reservation promptly, son. True, our ideals may at times be construed as clumsy and airy-fairy. In this world of pop moneyed culture, our ideals will only get in the way of transient fame and quick fortune at any costs. Sadly, in the same way that words like "virginity" and "prude" are considered positively antediluvian (outdated), our ideals suffer the same fate in the name of "progress", "post-modernity" and "enlightened thinking".

But son, keep this in mind: Our ideals are not on trial here; it is the lack of it that is. Many pay lip service to these ideals because a life of "action over inaction" costs too much. When Jesus admonished his disciples to count the cost and carry the cross, he is not asking them to do a mental calculation, but to offer a personal sacrifice. He is asking them to put the ideals into action, to be prepared to live them and even die for them. I think the greatest ideal is this, "God is love."

Dr King often asked himself, "If a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live." The same sentiment was expressed by Edith Cavell, "...I have told you that devotion will give you real happiness, and the thought that you have done, before God and yourselves, your whole duty and with a good heart will be your greatest support in the hard moments of life and in the face of death."

You see son, your life ought to be a servant to what is right and a master over what is wrong. This is the ultimate measure of keeping our ideals alive. Jesus, Edith and Luther took those steps in complete subservient to Godly principles and denied all evil that strive with equal vigor to defeat their resolute march to their elected destiny. They made it victoriously not because they were too idealistic. They made it because their words and their actions matched. Goethe once said, "Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do."

Let me end with a more down-to-earth, closer-to-home example of a life driven by purpose or an unbreakable union. In the book titled Why Good Things Happen to Good People, authors Stephen Post and Jill Neimark recounted the life of a couple named Chester and Mildred. 

Unlike Edith or Martin Luther, who lived in treacherous times, with one facing the beast of war and the other the scourge of racism, the life of Chester and Mildred is as ordinary as any couple of our time. But what distinguished them is their unyielding devotion to one another. This august devotion is inspiring because they have been happily married for seven decades! 

Son, in order to stay so happily married for so many years, your love will have to be tested at one end and come forth shining at the other. Their marriage was equally tested and some of the tests were indeed heartbreaking.

They courted each other during the Great Depression. But since Chester's family moved frequently, they were often miles apart from each other. So, Chester had to walk fifty-six miles during the weekends to go on a date with Mildred. He would start his journey in the wee hours of Saturday morning just so that he could spend more time with her. 

But when Chester's family moved again, this time even further, about a hundred miles away, Chester had to give up walking to Mildred. Instead, he wrote letters to her. His faithful writings touched Mildred deeply and they finally married in 1935. 

After the marriage, Chester worked for a dollar a day clearing forest. On one occasion, he remembered he had five dollars in his pocket and he spent $4.98 of it to buy his wife a wedding ring. Things then went smoothly with the arrival of their children until world war two came. 

When Chester was called to serve in the marines, the couple's love was tested with two years of separation. It was a difficult time for them. After the war, Chester returned with injury and he spent the next four years in and out of hospital. Further, Chester had to undergo a back operation and the family had to sell off their farm to pay for it. 

To make ends meet, Mildred had to sew for a living and Chester, who was in a body cast, managed to make leather goods and sell purses. Life was definitely hard for them but their love was equally resilient. They loved their way out of the daily trials of life and stayed true to each other. Not long after, with Mildred's support, Chester sold his house and business and enrolled himself into college. 

While in college, Chester held down two jobs and Mildred worked as a seamstress in a private company. Soon, after graduating, Chester found a stable job as a design engineer. So far, their marriage valiantly weathered all that was expected of a marital triathlon: financial hardship, physical separation and illness. 

But the next trial pushed them to the edge.Their eleven year old daughter met with a tragedy. She was ran over by a stranger riding a bicycle and the accident severely damaged her lungs. She died three years later. 

One touching incident that Chester recalled was of Mildred crocheting some items for her daughter before her last visit to the hospital. Along the way, her daughter said, "Mom, I won't need those. But don't cry." Chester remembered that Mildred did not cry in front of her daughter. She waited until she passed away before she broke down in tears.

Despite all that they had gone through, Chester and Mildred stayed happily married for seventy loving years. Of their long marriage, the couple shared this, "one of our philosophies has been, don't let the sun go down on your anger. Realize deep down in your heart your love for one another, and that will give you the willingness to overlook inconsistencies and flaws." 

Son, this is what our ideals look like when they are applied in a life. For it can be said that there is nothing more idealistic than this quaint phrase, "Love conquers all!"

So, let's recap. You cannot know what kind of person you want to be without knowing the purpose of your life. And I hope that the above examples have given you an idea of what living a purpose-driven life is about. 

But ultimately, it is a journey of self-discovery and it is a personal journey. It is yours to discover and yours to bring to pass. I cannot tell you what they are, your purpose in life, that is. You have yours and I have mine. Your mom has hers too. Your sisters will have to find theirs when the time is ripe.

Let your spirit bear out this next truth as I close, "Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual." 

Have a great national day son. Love Daddy.