Sunday, 25 January 2015

How Joel Osteen's god saved me...

One day, I dreamt I died and I was taken up to heaven to meet  with Joel Osteen’s god. JO’s god was a very affable guy. His mannerism was that of JO except that he looked more sagely, older that is. Maybe it was the beard that covered almost half of his face. Maybe it was the bassy throaty voice. Maybe it was the deep, mesmerizing stare. Or maybe it was all of the above. Anyhow, JO’s god took me by the hand and told me that I was not exactly dead yet. It was just an out-of-body visitation and I will soon be returned to earth.

So, I spent a day with JO’s god and I found it to be rather exhilarating, uplifting. He was a really cool god and uproariously funny too. For a moment, I thought to myself, “I could really spend eternity with this guy…I mean god.” If he wasn’t god, as in the self-styled creator of the universe, I’d have taken him to be my BFF, my best buddy. And I guess everyone should have a god for a buddy, right? Imagine taking selfie together with such a fun and bubbly deity and sending it off to your Facebook friends. You will surely receive “LIKES” in spades! You will be famous just by association with this awesomely hip and divine grand-daddy-O.

JO’s god then sat me down and we chatted for what seemed like eternity. He told me that whatever JO preached on earth about him was just about right, that is, right on the money. In between hi-fives, JO’s god reminded me to listen to whatever JO has to say. He told me that only JO spoke the truth about the truth. In my excitement, I told him that I’d read somewhere in JO’s book “It’s Your Time” that god puts dreams and desires in my heart and I will have to go through labor to give birth to them. JO’s god then burst out laughing and exclaimed, “Amen!” And the whole heaven shook and echoed with that affirmation like a passing earthquake.

Caught totally off-guarded and feeling too comfortable, I cracked a rather crass joke, “So bro, you inseminated me with dreams?Oops… There was a shocked silence. Everyone in heaven held their breath. The angels stopped traipsing around. The silence deepened. Then, as fast as a bolt of lightning, JO’s god burst out in laughter again - this time even louder than before - and the whole heaven shook once more. “Hey son, I never abort a dream mind you. The seed I put in you never dies,” JO’s god hollered. Phew…

I told him that that was exactly what JO had written in his book and he gave me a cheeky smile and thumbs up. I can’t tell you how relieved I was then. I was peeing in my pants actually. But after that, I was really relaxed with JO’s god because he was just too good to be true. He was just too cool for a god. After that slip of the tongue, I repeated what JO told his congregation that god wants everyone of us to be successful. And JO’s god immediately threw me a hi-five, “Amen to that too!

In fact, JO’s god did not stop there. He took a page out of JO’s book with this quote, “Son, I have preordained moments of favor for you. I have even lined up the right people, the right breaks, the right opportunities just for you. I have prearranged them for your future!” I was beginning to feel like I was on the top of the world, no, at center of the whole universe in fact. I was on a spiritual high. I was into the divine groove. Yet, I had to ask him whether he was for real just for sure and JO's god heartily replied, “Hey, in my eyes, your future is looking extremely bright!” He then waxed lyrical about how he is a god of increase and never decrease. He also reminded me to talk to my storm and not about it.

By this time, I was really warmed up to JO’s god that I nearly didn’t notice the occasional interruptions between him and a particular little angel that wisps in and out during our winsome conversation. They were exchanging something, whispering in delight. And every time that happened, JO’s god seemed slightly distracted. So I had to ask him what was that all about and he smiled and said, “Son, that’s my little Joel from earth. The angel’s just reporting about his prayer request to me.
And you answer them? All of them?” I asked eagerly.
Well, most of them. It really depends on his level of faith actually,” JO’s god said.

It was at this time that JO’s god confided with me a secret. He said that there is a caveat or proviso to all this prayer thingy. He said that he is limited by our level of belief. He said that he may be a god of abundance but if we don’t believe enough, and for long enough, he can’t act, he can’t deliver. I then reminded him about the mustard seed of faith and he replied that it takes little to believe. But if I don’t believe, even that little, he is powerless to bless me. Wow, imagine this, a mere mortal like me could actually limit the creator of the universe – I thought to myself and felt that this was exactly what JO had written about in his book.

I can't say that the last part didn't push me to think about things a little deeper. I somehow turned a little skeptical. I was beginning to entertain some doubts. But before I could register them, JO’s god chimed in, “Son, always ask for big things. I can give you greater blessings. Your prayers on earth are just too small. Please, supersize your prayers!” I scratched my head and asked him to explain the supersize part and he said, “Look at JO, look at how I multiplied his houses, his wealth, his status, his church attendances, and even magnified his appearances. In public, he is always picture-perfect, together with his life partner. That’s what I can do. I am the god to bless you. Son, I am prepared to give you a supernatural increase and unprecedented favor. Just like JO, you will be prosperous beyond your wildest dreams! All it takes is to believe.”

Feeling my confidence restored, I asked him whether these words written by JO in his book are true: “In your future, God has already dropped favor. He’s dropped promotion. He’s dropped health. He’s dropping wisdom. He’s dropped good breaks. He’s dropped divine connections. They’re out in front of you just waiting for you to come along. They are called “handfuls on purpose.”” 

After I’d finished, I caught JO’s god stoking his beard in self-delight before booming out ecstatically, “He’s always right about me you know. That’s who I am. Every drop of that is the absolute truth. Son, I am raining favors on you, and just you. In fact, just like JO said, nothing happens to you. They all happen for you. For I did not create you to be average. You are created for success! And I will turn your tears into pools to refresh you. Hahahaha…” At this exact moment, I have this uncanny feeling that even JO’s god had read JO’s books and memorized them from cover to cover.

To be honest, throughout our conversation, I did not hear a word about pain, failure, suffering, illness and death. Whenever I hinted to those things, JO’s god would echo the same words that can be found in JO’s book, “Don’t speak defeat over your life. Speak faith-filled words. Switch over to the language of victory. And in due season, you will eat the fruit of your words!” And he strangely punctuated the end of every sentences with his trademark jolly laughter and shook heaven repeatedly. I was in fact beginning to feel a little queasy, a little dizzy. In fact, this jolly deity sort of reminded me of that Pixar’s Yeti  (aka abominable snowman) from Monster Inc who just loves snow-cones.

Before I returned to earth, JO’s god gave me a pat on the back and blessed me with what JO would call the anointing of ease. He said that with this anointing, I will not struggle anymore. He said that I will feel a supernatural grace, and a favor that lightens the load and takes off the pressure. I will then be totally free from worry, stress, anxiety, disappointments, and sadness.

Now, I can’t say that I was not all psyched up to take the world by the horns after that session with JO’s god. It was better than any self-improvement talk that I had ever attended. It was like I had won the power-ball lottery and was cashing in on the winnings. I felt like a king’s kid, like the crown prince. I felt invulnerable. I was even looking for available seat on the right hand of JO’s god.

Then, just after I’d left the heavenly abode, a darkness enveloped me almost instantly. I struggled with my vision, shaking my head, and was rudely awakened from my sleep. It was there and then that it hit me with the force of a ton of bricks. It was just a dream, a crazy dream. And it should rightfully be so since it’s all just too good to be true. Cheerz.

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