Pride's threesome.

Let's fight pride. Let's starve pride of attention. Let's defang pride. Pride is readily identifiable but it is the hardest to subdue. Of course, not all pride harms or reeks. I would have to be fair. Pride can be beneficial in some situations. Apart from that, pride can destroy character, marriage and all other kinds of relationship.

I will skip the definition of pride here which we are all familiar with and highlight three manifestations of pride in our life. They have to do with interpersonal relationship. They are captured in the following statements:-

1)   You are wrong period yet you insist you are right.

2)  You know you are wrong yet you refuse to admit you are wrong.

3)   You are right and you insist that others acknowledge that - regardless.

The first form of pride is the most pernicious, venomous even. It manifests itself in a situation where you know you are clearly wrong but you still insist you are right. For whatever self-justifying, hideous reason, you are an old stick in the mud. And because of your insistence (that you are right), you convince yourself that the fault lies with everybody else except yourself. There is in fact no self-delusion and self-grandiose more annoying than this first manifestation of pride. Alas, this form of pride takes years, even decades, of diligent pruning before it takes over. While this kind of destructive pride comes with age, I have seen a small section of our younger generation exhibiting a whiff of it.

My only consolation is that theirs is a passing rebellion and with time, they will learn and hopefully learn early in their life. But my sympathies are with those who simply refuse to turn the mirror on themselves. I always believe that redemption is not free. It comes with a price. And that price is to accept that we all make mistakes and the only way to learn from our mistakes is to confront it, humbly accept it and then repent from it. Harder said than done I guess.

Now let's proceed with the second manifestation of pride. This second form rears its ugly head when you know you are wrong yet you refuse to admit you are wrong. It is less stubborn than the first but it still does enduring harm to relationships. This is most common in the workplace. Unfortunately, there seems to be an unspoken Darwinian-like competition to be right. It appears that there's infinite glory to being right and biting humiliation to being wrong. Especially in a situation of hierarchical rankings, the superior is often hard-pressed to admit that he is wrong before his subordinates. I guess he may have taken that description "superior" too literally. And because the subordinates look up to him for answers, there is this craving to be always right.

Pride in this second manifestation is needlessly perpetuated because of the deluded or inflated perception of one's skill, knowledge and experiences. The root cause being that we often overestimate ourselves - our smartness, our human values and our religiosity - and this invariably causes us to see others as more inferior to us. And hell has no fury as when a superior is being proven wrong by his subordinates. The aftermath of that is seething anger and bitterness ingrained.

My only plea for this second group is to remind them that there is life, flourishing life in fact, after being proven wrong. In fact, if he treasures personal growth and respect from others, then accepting that one have erred and moving forward thereafter with humility is the only way to experience true transformation. The truth is, sharpening one's character saw is all about treating mistakes as stepping stones and not a millstone over one's neck. I guess true knowledge is to acknowledge the extent of one's ignorance and pride as manifested in this second form is never to admit it.

Finally, we have come to the third and last manifestation of pride. It is revealed in a situation where one is right hands-down but the flaw is in one's insistence that the other party acknowledges it. I call this the rub-it-in-your-face disposition. This form of pride is most insidious and common in a marriage. I know this because I am a regular “skilled” practitioner of it. 

 


After 15 years of marriage, I have discovered that being right is best kept as a protected secret. What I mean is that when relationship is at stake, especially in a marriage or in matters concerning parenthood of grown-up children, being right at times is a highly private matter. You don't have to shout it out at the mountaintop. Most times, it is when you are riding on the moral high horse and mindlessly wagging your I-am-right, you-are-wrong derrière that relationships are made even worse.

At the end of the day, it is not about being right about being right that matters. But it is about being right about how you relate to others that counts. Being right is therefore about being responsible with what you know. You just don’t bulldoze your way through even when you know you are right. On the contrary, you give them thinking space, elbow room and saving face. You let it sink in without being a smartass about it. It takes time of course and patience is what you need to cultivate. The beauty of self-realization is that he will ultimately get it without the angst, grudge and rebellion. He may even thank you for it later.

You see, nobody wants to be wrong and telling them so with zero EQ will only deepen the wedge. It therefore takes reading all the right emotional cues to know when to press on and when to let go – with care on the former and emphasis on the latter. Even when you know you are right, insisting that the other party acknowledges it can only worsen and not advance the relationship. It is said that people are only interested to know how much you care and not care about how much you know. The truth in that statement is about caring for others and not boasting about yourself. It is always others-centered. And if you genuinely show them that you care, you will be pleasantly surprised by how they will respond to you. Especially in a marriage, it's a saving grace! Cheerz.

* image from "freedomchurchec.com"