William Wan on Parenthood.

Let me start with this: -

“Ultimately, marriage and parenthood are personal decisions, shaped by the values that each person holds dear. But they are also influenced in no small part by social norms, our families, employers and wider society.”

Those were the words of Minister of Manpower Josephine Teo. And William Wan borrowed it for his own article this morning, “Having 3 kids despite disincentives.”

Josephine was right about one word in that quote, “ultimately”. And William endorsed it by saying, “She got that right. If the past is an indication of the future, increasing Singapore’s birth rate takes more than just money.”

Money no doubt plays a major role considering how newly wed have to navigate the formidable landscape of debt-financed housing and keeping up with the household expenses in a society with one of the highest cost of living, career development in a world of intense competition, and raising children in a system that is fiercely meritocratic, where the mortal fear is for one’s child to be left behind.

But, as apparent in the above paragraph, the way our society is organised together with how the market economy drives the people towards maintaining that coveted 1st World status all plays a significant part in a couple’s decision to start or not start a family. 

Sometimes, the will to start a family is made more complicated in a world where one always fears how his or her children are going to turn up in a society that is so deeply divided by income, class and status, that is, a world of innumerable invisible walls. 

Anyway, going back to the article, William married in 1970, just fresh out of law school. He said he hesitated about having children because he “was pessimistic about the world and did not want (his) children to blame (them) for bringing them into a troubled world.”

Nevertheless, after a moment of personal enlightenment, William and his wife went on to have three children (2 daughters and one son) and they themselves have children of their own. His grandkids are doing well, completing their tertiary education. His son married late and is now the father of one-year-old.

Reading his article, what captured my attention was what he wrote about one of his daughters. 

This is best described in his own words. 

“One of our daughters made a grave mistake in life, fell into the zombie world of drugs, and was pregnant before marriage. She was only 19 but did not choose abortion. We are proud of her pro-life values. Her baby is now an adult who has just graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering.”

“Watching our daughter overcome her challenges as a single mother, we learnt so much about how a baby saved her life. It transformed her from an irresponsible wild teenager into a mature, loving and caring mother who chose to exercise selfless love for her unborn child.”

Lesson? If you missed it, the endearing and empowering words are “how a baby saved her life”. 

I always believe that a non-life cannot sustain another life. Your possessions and titles can only take you so far. Sooner or later, the ambition and drive are spent, because what are they worth anyway if you have no one you love to spend them with? 

Or worse, you spend your life acquiring them at the expense of those you love. 

At the end of the day, our possessions are benchmarked not against other possessions. That is a bottomless pit of carnal desires, for much will always want more. Mind you, it is never about the empire of things. 

It is on the contrary benchmarked against how a life is transformed by them. Our possessions are a means to an end. Not an empire of things, but a means to the building of relationships. 

Ultimately, up to a point, the richest man or woman I know is one who knows when enough is enough. True wealth thus comes not from anything tangible, that is, external to you. It comes from within, an intangible reassurance that keeps turning your focus to what truly matters in life. 

And for that, I believe it takes a life to minister to a life. 

There is much truth in how your child can save you, that is, how he or she can transform you. Or how they can make a difference in your life. 

William reminded me that “birth and conception and child-rearing are messy and challenging, each in their own way.”

Indeed, messy they are. In a society of stereotypical judgments and pretentious lifestyles, how would they have taken to the reality of a wayward child, pregnant at 19, involved in drugs, and then deciding to keep the child, nurture the child and bring the child up with unconditional love? 

As these words make explicit such love, “it transformed her from an irresponsible wild teenager into a mature, loving and caring mother who chose to exercise selfless love for her unborn child.”

Alas, the redeeming value of being a parent is that your love for them demonstrates how you can in turn love yourself. As you watch them grow up, under your care, persevering together, you also catch a glimpse of your self growing in tandem with them. 

They may look to us as their safe harbour when the storm outside rages on, and we will always be there for them. Yet, they might not fully know this, but as their parents, they are our firm anchor to keep us grounded, and also our guiding light to steer us home through the dark nights of our soul. 

Let me end with William’s words about the joy of parenthood. 

“The joy of contributing to their life's journey is indescribable. They matured into young women and men with their own unique personalities soon enough. Watching them play out their strength, courage, and passion undergirded with kindness, love and respect for others as adults today is priceless.”

“Soon enough” is what we as parents must never forget, and never lose faith and hope. Even a plant however small grows when you water and sun it faithfully. Alas, what’s more a life built on the foundation of love.