Two worlds, but worlds apart - Kelvin, Debbie and Sulli.

Two worlds, but worlds apart. 

Recent suicide of K-pop star, Sulli, tells of a toxic world where there is “never-ending competition and comparison among fans and groups” and that means “idols live with negativity and intense pressure every day.” 

Jan Lee reports that “everything in K-pop is a competition. YouTube views, award show wins, music show wins, Instagram followers, Twitter topics, unofficial polls on which idol has the most beautiful eyes - K-pop fans can and will vie over everything, in part because of how crowded the industry has become.”

Basically, as a K-pop star or idol, you sign your life away, or at least, your youth away, and you live life on others’ terms. 

But, here is another world. It’s much quieter world. No noise. No competition. No comparison. 

And, instead of projecting on social media the most beautiful eyes, or striving to be the fairest of them all, this other world is about seeing the most beautiful side of nature, and of human friendship and communities. 

This world is what the young couple Kelvin Cai and Debbie Lim, both 34, are embarking on.

Zaihan Mohamed Yusof reports that “for the next four to six years, they will be seeing the world while riding Honda motorcycles across six continents over a distance of between 120,000 km and 180,000 km.”

Kelvin and Debbie, both tutors, will be renting out their sparsely renovated four-room HDB flat in Boon Lay for a life of unpredictable adventure. 

Married in 2013, in a simple wedding ceremony at the Singapore Flyer, the couple hope to spend less than US$100 each day by cooking their own meals. 

They said, “if not for this trip, we won’t be learning how to cook.”

Lesson? I have three actually, and it’s from their candid sharing that I pluck these lessons out.

First, Kelvin said that “some friends say we will be missing out on our careers, but it is precisely the worry of “missing out” that we’re going on this great adventure.” 

Being tutors, they noticed that “some of their students’ parents seem to have a lot of money but have no time.”

“We feel it’s important to live life to the fullest. Plan enough for retirement needs but don’t get so lost in the pursuit of money.”

Let me clarify that I contrast these two worlds not because I strongly recommend one over the other - yet, I admit the urge is irresistible. 

Although one is glamorous and enriching materially, the cost is high. Sadly, that which doesn’t kill you in such a toxic world can mentally or emotionally change you for a long time to come. 

But the world that Kelvin and Debbie are going for is not a life for everyone either. Not all can pack up and go off just like that. We can go for a quick getaway, or a long holiday, but to leave for years on a motorbike is not everyone’s cup of tea. 

The point of the contrast is to bring out the balance we have to find in our own life. It is often futile to pursue happiness when we don’t even know what makes us happy, or what value those things that we pursue will bring to our life. Self introspection has to come first before achieving personal fulfilment and contentment. 

For this season, Kelvin and Debbie have found theirs in their station of life. We have to find ours in our own season. My takeaway in both worlds is that we must live our life on our own terms. 

Yes, we have obligations to fulfill and roles to play as a worker, parent or spouse, but ultimately, we have to be able to look at the mirror and tell ourselves this, “you are making progress mike, even if they are micro-stumbling steps, to becoming the best that you can be.”

Second, Kelvin and Debbie said that they “hope to meet kind souls on their travels who are able to share with them riding routes or even somewhere to stay.” 

Kelvin said, “We want to use this trip to inspire other Singaporeans and overseas Facebook followers, and tell them that people are inherently kind and compassionate.” 

To be honest, compare to a world where there are endless competition and comparison, their world would definitely be kinder and more compassionate. It is a world lived to see the beauty of humanity without worrying about how you will be judged, how you measure up, and how you can win even more followers and adulation. It is an endless competition remember?

One is a world of insecurity where today’s novelty is tomorrow’s monotony. But the other is a world of discovery where you feel no shame embracing and accepting yourself for who you are without constantly needing to reinvent yourself to be who others expect or want you to be. 

So, wherever we are, it is still about living a life on our own terms, that is, in a way that our conscience is always clear, our self-worth is always anchored, and our soul is always contented. 

And, 

Thirdly, Yusof posed this question to Kelvin and Debbie, “What if something unexpected happens to (you guys) while on the road?”

Debbie said that they will savour their adventure “one moment at a time.” 

“The plan itself is not important because we would have to react to whatever happens to us on our journey.”

This is true. For can anyone ever plan for everything? 

Plans are like maps, like signposts. They only point you in one direction at a time in general. But living one moment at a time is where plans become planning or living it out, even when unplanned things happen. And they often do. 

If we take life as an adventure, if we are determine to savour every moment as they present themselves to us, whether good or bad ones, then what matters most is not when the unexpected or unplanned happens, but how we overcome them together and come out of it even stronger. 

The objective therefore is not about meeting the plan (as planned). But it is about what becomes of us when we take this (most times, unplanned) adventure called life as a couple, and what our loved ones would eventually remember us for at the end of our life journey. And that is what makes a life worth living, and living to the fullest.

Making this world better? Just don't be a jerk.

How to make this world a better place? Easy. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t be someone whom others find repulsive, annoying and negative. Don’t be that jerk who is immature, self-serving and inconsiderate. Don’t just think about yourself but spare a thought for others, always. And don’t think that you will see tangible results soon. 

Making the world a better place is not like pulling a rabbit out of the hat. Presto! and the deed is done. The world would not be a better place
 overnight. It would not happen just because you decide to make it happen. So don’t unwittingly put the humongous burden all on your tiny shoulder (or on your humongous ego). It is not a glam race to be popular or adored. If you want to end up a celebrity making the world a better place, then forget about doing it. You will most probably end up more a jerk than a world-impacting icon in the likes of Nelson Mandela or Gandhi. 

You must accept that making this world a better place is about changing yourself first.
 But don’t bang the cymbals or blow the trumpet about it. You don’t send emails out or tweet or Facebook about it. A better world is not about doing big acts (and getting big-time responses of awe) but it is about small consistent efforts. Mother Teresa says that we may not all do great things but we can do small things with great love. She has forgotten to mention the humdrum monotony involved with small things but I think it is implied. 

So, it may very well start with taking out the trash, going 
on on a date with your wife more often, paying more attention to your son, walking your daughter to school, being more patient with the food court queue, being genuinely happy for the successes of your neighbors, or smiling more than usual. It is also a private affair between yourself and, well, yourself. Nobody has to know about it. It is a secret pact you make with quiet resolve and the reward is not instant media or friends’ recognition. 

In fact, it is such a glacial process that it differs little 
from watching paint dry or waiting for a pond to evaporate out. The reward is therefore not immediate. The reward is not even immediately experiential. You will feel nothing. You might receive nothing for the first few years too. Not even a handshake of appreciation. At best, those close to you will sense a change, but they can’t put a finger on what has specifically changed. 

So, have no illusions about making this world a better place. It is more than just an attitude change. It is a change of values,
 habits and perspective. It is a transformation of self by overturning (burying) it, not pampering (elevating) it. 

This is how I see the betterment of this world. It starts with you no doubt. It starts today. Don’t make plans for it. Don’t shoo-it into your diary. Don’t announce it to friends and relatives. It starts with the most trivial differences that often no one notices. It starts with an inner resolve that no one sees. It is a change not for the sake of change. It cannot be fake because the circumstances of this world will
 sooner or later conspire to cause you to fall flat on your face if all your effort and time are just for show. 

There is no rehearsals for you should you desire with beginner's enthusiasm to make this world a better place. You just plunge into it and make the difference. And the difference is how you treat yourself and others. You treat yourself with a healthy dose of self-respect, with modesty and decency, and with restrain, confidence and hope. You treat others the same way you treat yourself, with respect,
 consideration, confidence and hope. You become more understanding, open and forgiving. You let bygones be bygones and view mistakes as lessons to be learned. 

But don’t be too idealistic about it because nasty people and ugly circumstances don’t suddenly disappear just because you’ve decided to make this world a better place. They thrive on making you fail. But they also exist as your target practice. They will try your patience no doubt and provoke you out of 
your skin. They will throw you off your groove and make you curse the day you first decided to change the world for good. This is where the real test comes in. 

How you respond to them will test your sincerity and resolve to make this world a better place. If you are for real, authentic and steadfast, then you will valiantly claim back your groove and you will withstand their relentless mockery, taunts and assaults. In fact, you will even win some of them over with your fortified character and gracious goodwill.
 This is where you may get a little recognition and praise for your changed behavior. 

But if along the process, you find it too inconvenient that giving up seems almost certain and inevitable, then take heart for you have not failed in making this world a better place. No siree. Don't get ahead of yourself. Failure is not the right description for this midstream abandonment. Because, if you think about it, how do you fail in something that you have not even genuinely started? How does one fail a test
 if he did not even sign up for it? So, seen from this angle, you had merely not gotten started, that’s all. Restart all over and try it for real this time round.  

But if you think this “changing the world” stuff clearly cramps your style because it is too unglam and darn hard, then continue on whatever path you were trekking before you first decided to make this world a better place. In any case, changing this world for the 
better is unlike a day's catwalk on the fashion runway. You will not be missed and the world will not suffer any seismic changes just because you have decided to give it up for good. There will always be many others who will and have successfully taken up the task and persisted to the end.  Their collective and consistent effort will make the pivotal difference and it will definitely off-set your half-hearted effort with net benefit to ricochet around for all, even to you. 

So if being a jerk is far easier for you than
 changing the world for the better, than by all means keep it up. It’s your life and it's your business to live your life the way you want it anyway. Just don't stand in the way of those who happen to cross your path in the pursuit of the all-important goal you have given up. Just don't hinder their good effort. Come to think about it, that may just be the tiniest littlest part you play to contribute to making this world a better place. Consider it your consolatory pet on the back I guess. Cheerz.

Living and dying well.

This morning’s straits times' article carried this title, “Too young to die, too old to worry.” It was written by Jason Kari Awish, a professor of medicine, medical ethics and health policy at University of Pennsylvania. It was a fun read with a smackaroo of humor and practical advice about living and dying. The article started with the famed song-writer Leonard Cohen who planned to celebrate his 80th birthday with a cigarette. He said, “It’s the right
age to recommence.” How cool is that for an octogenarian. But first, here is a little background.

If the article has a theme, it is this (as posed by the writer): When should we set aside a life lived for the future and instead, embrace the pleasures of the present? This is in fact a clarion call for us to live now (the quality of life, that is, its depth) and stop worrying about our mortality (the quantity of life, that is, its length). I think living a long life has become an obsession for us; especially the well-off. We want to age gracefully and 
live long but in doing so, “more than half of adults aged 65 or older are taking five or more prescription medications, over-the-counter medications or dietary supplements, many of them designed not to treat suffering but to reduce the chances of future suffering” (so writes Prof Awish).

This obsession to control our future by preventing illnesses may have extended our life somehow but it is done so at the expense of our enjoying the present. Now, I do not want to be irresponsible here and I
 know that we have to strive to live healthy and for our beloved dependents. In fact, the article made passing mention of this quote, “One fitness product tagline captures the zeitgeist: “Your health account is your wealth account! Long live living long!” But like all good things, living long ought to come with some moderation and balance. Here is what I mean.

I was having a conversation with my wife this morning about the tagline "Long live living long" and I asked her, “Is there a right time for one to start living more for quality rather than for quantity?” She echoed
 my sentiments when she replied that it is an infuriating trade-off between excessive worrying about the future and truly enjoying the present. She told me that some time ago she read about a senior cancer surgeon who admitted that if he had terminal cancer, he would retire into a beach house – somewhere private and scenic - and enjoy the remaining balance of his life there.

He confessed that he did not want to go through what his own patients had gone through, that is, all that chemotherapy, medication and invasive
treatments. I guess that surgeon didn’t want to live his life being monitored, scrutinized and studied like a lab-rat. Now the pertinent question would be this, “What if such early medical detection and timely intervention could save your life?” Well, if that’s the case, I would think that the trade-off is well worth the effort and time.

But what if living long requires one to turn himself into a human depository of medicine, pills and supplements, and be subjected to regular checkups and 
surgeries with little certainty of its effectiveness? Doesn't that just complicate matters a tad bit? How about the unpreventable cognitive diseases that comes with old age like Alzheimer, Parkinson and Stroke? If one were to receive such a diagnosis, what is the next course of action then? Aren’t we just holding off a certain almost unbearable form of eventual death and not preventing it from coming to pass? Somehow, that word “preventing” death doesn’t go down well with us because nothing is more certain than 
death, taxes and PAP winning a majority seat at the next election. And in holding off eventual death, is there a limit as to how far we should go about doing it? Should we turn our life on its head by extending it while being deprived of the pleasure of enjoying it?

The Catholic theologian Hans Kung (at 85 years old) recently discovered that he has Parkinson and is fast losing his sight. He wrote that he is considering committing suicide. “I don’t want to continue to exist as a shadow of myself,” wrote the man. "I also don't want to be sent off to a nursing home…I’m not tired of life, but tired of living.” Here is a man
 who has lived his life to a ripe old age by today’s standard. He has caused more than a theological dent in the Catholic Church and its doctrines and is ready to go at a time of his own design and choosing. "No person is obligated to suffer the unbearable as something sent from God," he further wrote. "People can decide this for themselves and no priest, doctor or judge can stop them." I guess there is no greater empowerment in living than to have the final say over how and when one dies.  

But let's return to Cohen's birthday resolution to start smoking again. The Hallelujah singer said, "Quite seriously, does anyone know where you can buy a Turkish or Greek cigarette? I'm looking forward to that first smoke. I've been thinking about that for 30 years. It's one of the few consistent strings of thoughts I've been able to locate." Maybe, the tongue-in-cheek comment has a ring of truth in it. Maybe, Cohen is trying to tell us that we owe it to ourselves to live fully in the present and leave worrying about the future to, well, the future.

In fact, the article
 made this observation about prevention, "When it comes to prevention, there can be too much of a good thing. Groups such as the US Preventive Services Task Force regularly review the evidence that support prevention guidelines and find that after certain ages, the benefits of prevention are not worth the risks and hassles of testing, surgery and medications."

Mm...I think for Cohen - having lived to a good old age of 80 - some things are just unpreventable like cognitive decay. They will come regardless
 of all our overcautious preventive measures. Equally, I guess some things are not worth being deprived of and for Cohen it is a good smoke. And for most of us, I guess it would be something less frivolous than that.

So let me end with this thought. This morning my wife and I also talked about how long we wish to live for. However, we did not specify the number, that is, we avoided offering a figure. We told ourselves that we are prepared to leave this world after our responsibilities to our children are duly discharged, that is, to ensure that they have all grown up and are reasonably independent.
 Although we do not know what the future has in store for us, we consciously measure our living years with such meaningful engagement as raising our children and enjoying the journey along the way (among other mutually enriching diversions of course).

I guess when it comes to dying, the number of years wished for is not as important as how a life is lived. And a life that lives to the fullest is one that actively engages with the present and not one that anxiously strives to extend it at whatever the costs. Cheerz.

My life philosophy...for now.

If I had a philosophy of life, it would be as follows:-

1) Take heart, everything changes. This is true. Nothing remains the same. What we think is super-cool now often becomes foolish in the face of changing times. Values will change as society progresses. Abraham Lincoln once spoke before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society in Milwaukee in 1858. This is the essence of his address, "It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words, "And this, too, shall pass away."" How instructive, indeed, whatever is now shall pass and whatever is later shall come and pass too. Technology and multimedia have transformed the way our social relations are structured or restructured. The more we understand our
 body, the more we appreciate how nothing is fixed or immutable. Some call it flexible inheritance or epigenesis or brain plasticity or functional medicine or variable genetic expressivity or nature via nurture. Genes are therefore not destiny. Changes to our lifestyle, diet and environment can collectively change our health and longevity for good. Our mind and understanding change as well. As we mature, we discard thinking that stifles our growth and embrace new thinking that broadens our 
horizon. Gradually, we grow to understand the fallibility and vulnerability of men. We come to accept that we are very much a product of our culture as we are the master of our own fate in a dynamic synergy of tradeoffs. Our choices are limited by the circumstances that ring-fence it. We can hope for the best but sometimes the best outcome falls short. Even in love, there are hurts and betrayals. In business, there are mistakes and disappointments. And in old age, there are pain, remorse and a
 sense of resignation (or awakening). Everything has an expiry date. Sadness, misfortune, happiness, and success are like guests that pay us a visit and once the tête-à-tête is over, they leave. Each takes their turn to teach us about their impermanence in our life. We should therefore learn not to avoid or long for them too much. In the long run, it is better to keep these transient emotions at arm's length rather than to expect them to stay for longer than they should. Life therefore changes as we age.
 So,
 bottomline? If everything changes, what you are feeling now, the doldrums or the exhilaration, are all passing. They don't last. In fact, what truly lasts however are the lessons you have learned from them when they come and go.

2) Seek out internal values rather than external ones. We owe it to ourselves to look for the diamond in the rough. This diamond is in all of us. What is needed for it to shine is a little patience, attention and nurturing. I have learned to
 develop an eye for inner beauty and to let go of external glitters and pretentiousness. The lures of this world make many demands on me and I will be wise to keep their siren calls at bay. I believe most failures and misery are caused by a breach of our internal values (by the external demands made on us). Greed, lust and indolence make victim of a life without internal anchorage and direction. So, I seek to train my spirit up to lead a balanced life. I will not be swayed by fleshly desires that seek to possess me. I refuse to
 give in to greed and lust that seek to destroy me. And I will resist the vanities of men in order to lead a life of more authenticity. The discipline to cultivate inner beauty is a lifelong responsibility and my life philosophy is to see to it that I take up this challenge most steadfastly.

3) Hope is your surest companion. I cannot imagine a life without hope. If I am asked to define hope, it would simply be success deferred. This success is more broadly defined than
 what the world has to offer. It is beyond the material riches and glamor we are so fixated on in the media. Success here refers to a resilient spirit gained from overcoming the storms of life. With hope, it is just a matter of time before we ride out the valley of our circumstances. And when that time comes, whether we are rich and famous or otherwise for pulling through, the wisdom we have gained from it is what maketh a successful man (or woman) in my book. It is more about character than material affluence. 
This is the power of hope. It is a forward looking attitude that forces us to see beyond the crippling trials and emotions of this life. It is our trusted companion because it refuses to give up the fight. It is a form of radical encouragement that shifts our focus to a yet-to-emerge future. And here I recall a whimsical phrase that says the best way to predict the future is to create it. Hope is that blueprint for our future and the magic of hope is that it opens up a world of possibilities for us even when
 our present world seems washed up. As such, hope may sometimes be seen as an understated value but its power to transform a life from within is boundless if we stubbornly hold on to it.

4) If you have found enduring love, enjoy and treasure it while it lasts. I believe we should savor the simple pleasures of life. Love is one of them. When you have found your love, treasure her (or him). Do not let passing time and monotony steal this love away. If forgiveness takes the sting out of loving, then forgive. The beauty of loving is that it is a 
growing thing. Like a plant, if you nurture it, it will grow. And the beauty of growth is that it will come to a point where the relationship becomes mutually reinforcing. Love blesses those who give of themselves to it. Nothing is more rewarding in the long run than mutual sacrifices offered by two persons in love. For this reason, never take one another for granted.  She is yours and you are hers for a reason that is often larger than the two lives put together. Life may throw many curve balls at you but it is
 this nurtured love that will give you what you need to catch it. Investing in love always brings out the best in us. And it takes the best in us to weather through the worst of times. So treasure the love you have and enjoy it while it lasts because from what I have written thus far, nothing is forever.

5) Fairness is a state of mind. This is a reality check for me. If you are looking for justice in this world, you will soon be sorely disappointed. Lady justice is 
blind for a reason. In the end, fairness is a state of mind. It is a personal issue. You make up your mind about what you want to do and you do it. Come what may. And come they often do. Obstacles like flies to light will come. They will come in the guise of random bad luck, in heartbreaking fashion, at a bad time, and even in quick succession. Sometimes things go your way and you ride on it and sometimes they don't, but you don't go under the bus about it. There is no certainty 
that bad times will give you a miss (or a break). Neither can you inoculate your life from it. If an analogy helps, life is like the fate of a turkey. Everyday is a good day where you are promptly fed and well taken care of until the night of thanksgiving arrives. That day will be the day of reckoning for you. Where is the fairness in that? There isn't any actually. And this is why fairness is what you make you mind up to be. You will go through a series of setback in life and you shall adapt accordingly. Cry over spilled milk if it helps, but remember to clean it up and walk away from it. 
You will steel your mind from the injustices and surmount each disappointment by turning the focus on how you can best respond to it instead of allowing each setback to wear you down. You will come to a point of reality where you resolve to make things happen instead of waiting for things to happen. When you grow in wisdom from overcoming life's challenges, you will come to this realization that fairness is indeed a subjective state of mind. And the mental state of resiliency, hope and perseverance are the
 surest building blocks of fairness in this lop-sided world. Cheerz.