My Brother in Law is going for his PhD...he's real smart!

Well done bro as you embark upon this exciting academic journey to Durham, northeast of England. I read that this city on a hill was founded by divine intervention in AD 995 with the help of a hill cow and a milkmaid. Legend has it that the milkmaid was looking for her cow and the monks took it as a divine sign and followed her. They then settled in a wooded hill-island and erected the first building in Durham, a catholic church. Well, the rest is history and soon you will be living it up in real time.

It must be really exciting to take this journey with Charmaine into the large English unknown and I know it is going to be very rewarding and enriching. How I envy you! Putting aside my "lost youth", I would like to share with you what I have learned and am still learning about learning, especially the education of life.

Let me set the record straight first. I am of course not counted as smart in the IQ department. Seriously, in terms of playing boggle, pre-guessing the clues of wheel of fortune, or quick draws in trivia questions, I am a certified intelligent snail. Your sister is quicker and more alert than me in these areas, in particular, maths and secondary school science.

Honestly, I have always admired naturally or genetically smart people. Names like Stephen Hawking and Richard Feynman springs to mind. I have even read about the amazing exploits of geniuses, or "savant" as they are known. There are definitely a great number of savants in this world. Here's how smart they are.

At the age of 12, one could multiply three-digit figures with perfect accuracy as quickly as the number could be written down! At 41, I still struggle with primary school maths.  Then, another (Leslie Lemke) is able to duplicate a Tchaikovsky's piano concerto no. 1 with amazing fidelity and play it back flawlessly after hearing it for the first time! Alas, I still dread the wrong notes when attempting happy birthday.

Lastly, there is a boy named Jay who, at the age of three, asked for a cello...imagine that, at the oblivious age of three! Then, his parents brought him to a music store and to their astonishment, Jay picked up a miniature cello and played on it for the first time! At age five, Jay had composed five freaking symphonies! At 41, I am still waiting for my muse to gently alight upon my empty head. I don't see much hope in coming up with any tune decent even for the hearing impaired.

You see, bro, there are really smart people out there. They have this amazing, naturally endowed, and possibly genetically enhanced skill to mind-calculate large numbers, sculpt a masterpiece at a young age, read encyclopedia at four, master seven languages at 10, remember almost everything they've ever read or seen and recall them with alarming accuracy when asked to. These are natural born geniuses.

Of course, this giftedness come with a price and most of them are autistic and socially inept.  Others are highly temperamental and mercurial. I call it the Cantona syndrome. Some of these geniuses also suffered from chronic depression. Psychologists call these collateral afflictions the "pathologies of superiority". Still, I can't help but admire such unusual and exceptional abilities that the average majority  can only dream about.

So, I always asked myself, "what does normal smart look like?" Stripped of the exceptional extremes, the great memory and arithmetic skills, the musical super-talents, what does it mean to be intelligent or wise? Are you smart if you can solve this puzzle: Rearrange "new door" into one word? Or this: Correct this equation with one move: XI + I = X ?

Nat, my quest for the quintessential "smartness" or the all-embodied wise man goes on, like looking for the unicorn or the leprechaun's gold. One scientist said, "To understand wisdom fully and correctly probably requires more wisdom than any of us have." Is wisdom an ideal? Is one condemned to only seek after it, love it, and dream about it, but never fully embody it?

Well I guess this frustration is quite understandable in this quote: "I get lost in the Milky Way of wisdom." Maybe, just maybe, the philosopher Lao Tzu had a hold of wisdom's whisker when he wrote, "30 spokes share the wheel's hub, it is the centre hole that makes it useful. Shape clay into a vessel, it is the space within that makes it useful. Cut doors and windows for a room, it is the holes which makes it useful. Therefore, profit comes from what is there. Usefulness from what is not there."

This is a profound and quite enchanting observation since it deals with what is not immediately apparent or material. Virtues and maturity work very much the same way. They are developed over years of unseen changes through cultivating effortless, almost unconscious, habits. Does developing wisdom follow the same process?

Bro, I am just coming to the beginning of my thoughts on wisdom. It is about you, about me, about each individual in his or her own capacity as individual. Basically, it starts with the "I". This reminds me of the empty, reflective scroll in the mega-hit "Kungfu Panda". When Po the panda stared blankly into the wordless scroll, he was stunned at first. Then, it dawned on the halfwit bear that it's about him, and not some external motivation or some secret instructions. Real changes therefore come from the inside out and not outside in. This squares with the saying, "It's not what happens to you, but what happens in you that matters." And wisdom works the same way.

For me, the first step to true wisdom is self-reflection. Pythagoras once divided living into three lifestyles: Acquisitive, Competitive and Contemplative. Real changes start with a contemplative life because an unexamined life is not worth living. The famous psychologist Erik Erikson defined the acquisition of wisdom as a "stepwise, lifelong process of self-realization."

Adam Smith calls the process of self-realization the "Impartial Spectator". He cleverly defined it as such, "the impartial and well informed spectator is a person with the ability to stand outside of himself and watch "the Person within" in action".

Nat, wisdom can be cultivated and it starts with what I call "a sense of self-overhearing". We have to learn to eavesdrop on our mental conversation we have with ourselves, striving to understand it's nuances, and appreciating how it determine our thoughts and actions. It is essentially a process of thinking about how you think. Because our words and actions make or break us and we are children of our deeds, the wise always strive to take control of their thought process to ensure that they are edifying and not self-sabotaging.

Bro, the greatest battle in your life takes place inside of you and not out there. The crisis therefore is not in the world at large; it is in our own consciousness. If you can tame your "inner inhibitions", channel them for good, and marshall them for life-transformative goals, you are on your way to climbing the mountain of mortal wisdom. This is not easy, mind you.

Taming others, judging them, even controlling and manipulating them are easy as compared to turning the attention on yourself, your hidden agendas, your darker intentions and your protected ego. It is said that men always have two reasons to do anything: a good reason and the real reason. How's that for duplicity bro?

And believe you me, the culprit that screw up this lifelong process of being wise is your seemingly untimely emotions. They are like loud noises in the night. Like an uninvited guest. Like a migraine. Emotions rile you up and magnify problems manifold. Anger can consume you. Sadness can smother you. Love can blind you. Greed can wreck you. And ego can destroy you. So, you have to guard your thoughts and tame your emotions. No easy feat bro.

For Aristotle, wisdom is equivalent to a life of virtues. And a life of virtues start with taking control of your emotions. Bro, you see, Aristotle thought he had it all thought out and encapsulated in a neat formula. I call it the "right balance" formula and it is captured in this mouthful by Aristotle: "We can experience fear, anger, confidence, pity, desire and generally any kind of pleasure and pain either too much or too little, and in either case, not properly. But to experience all this at the right time, towards the right objects, towards the right people, for the right reason, and in the right manner - that is the median and the best course, the course that is a mark of virtue."

Believe you me, achieving the right balance is a difficult pursuit. It's darn hard. Imagine an elephant trying to do a pole dance! Intemperate emotions surge within me all the time, especially when I least expect them or when I have resolved to play nice. I often lead an "unbalanced life." I either over-react or under-respond. My anger often boils over and my courage to stand for the truth sometimes repressed. I am resolving to be contented but the desires for material chattels can sometimes derail me. If one is honest enough, the laundry list of stinking habits can go on and on. CS Lewis once said, "No man knows how bad he is until he has tried to be good."  

True wisdom starts with us. We change ourselves and we can then change the world. The former is the idea of self and the latter is the idea of the world. Bro, I am sure you have heard the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Here's the whimsical Internet version, no less true though: God, grant me serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the one I can change, and the wisdom to know it's ME!" I sincerely believe that a self-reflective life shines the limelight at one's faults instead of others. It is a life of humility. And humility always looks to the lack in us rather than how much stuff we know or can personally boast about. Sometimes, especially in my legal profession, it is often the learned fool who is more foolish than the ignorant one.

The irony is that we try so hard to look learned, living a life of false pretenses, that we begin to believe in our own self-invincibility. This is usually the beginning of the end. This lends credibility to the saying, "Knowing our strength is good. Recognizing our weakness is even better. But what destroys us, is to mistake our weakness for a strength." And bro, arrogance does just that. It pretends to be a strength when it is actually a weakness. Arrogance keeps us from learning and anything that keeps us from learning, keeps us from being wise.

Nat, arrogance is like a bad itch, it's irresistible, pleasurable even, but the more you scratch, the more you bleed. So, I constantly remind myself that true knowledge is to know the extent of my ignorance. My starting point to guard against arrogance, which is definitely an antithesis to wisdom, is to always remind myself of the gaping gap of what I do not know...because, isn't it true that "In our infinite ignorance, we are all equal"?

To stay grounded, I also remind myself that life is a long lesson in humility. This coincides with the Tibetan proverb, "Humility is like a vessel placed on the ground level, ready to receive the rain of qualities." Have you ever been profoundly humiliated by an oversight, an inadvertence, a silly folly or an out-of-place remark just when you thought that you have arrived on Mt. Know-it-all? Well, these human shenanigans are often the result of a puffed up head, where in our own deluded estimation of ourselves, we leaned towards over-exaggeration. And the disappointments as a result usually cuts real deep.

Bro, I challenge you to act likewise as the philosopher Epictetus advises: "If someone tells you that somebody else is saying awful things about you, don't defend yourself against the accusations, but reply, "He must not know about the other faults that I have, if these are the only ones he mentioned."  You see, this would shock your accusers and maybe flatline some of your enemies. But the point here is not to remain an easy target or let bullies run roughshod over you. Neither be so quick to react.

But the point is to turn the turret on yourself, examine your heart, and see whether there's some truth in the accusations. It encourages a self-contemplative response instead of a self-justifying one. If you can master that, you are halfway to the admirable character that Confucius once described when he said, "Imperturbable, resolute, tree-like, slow to speak - such a one is near to Goodness."

Now, let's proceed with the second and final step to wisdom. When you are able to balance out your emotions, lead a contemplative, soul searching life, remain humble, and value ignorance as an ally rather than an intellectual insult, the next progressive step is towards  beneficence. This is condensed from the hippocratic oath of doing no harm. Bro, once you have cultivated a worthy and nobler self, you are ready to bless others with it. Wisdom in this second phrase is essentially others-centered.

Somehow, wisdom is contagious. You can recognize a wise man miles away, so to speak. Like king Solomon, he is highly regarded and widely emulated. There is some kind of alluring and even mystical quality in people who are wise.

Take for example the quick thinking of one Lt Col Chris Hughes. He and his platoon were approaching a local mosque in Iraq to ask for help in organizing the distribution of relief supplies. At this time, a mob gathered around his troop. They were threatened by the American soldiers fully armed and approaching their valued mosque. So, the Muslims surrounded Chris and his platoon, raising their voices and hands in protest. The soldiers also felt threatened and were poised to defend themselves.

Chris then took charge of the situation and grabbed a loudspeaker and told his soldiers, "take a knee". This means to kneel before the mob. His next order was to smile. This simple, quick witted act was enough to disarm the clamoring Muslims. They calmed down, smiled back and went over to each soldier to pat them on their back. Unnecessary violence that day was averted.

However you interpret that act by Chris, one thing remains inescapable: he was emotionally attuned to the people, their culture their sensitivities and sensibilities. Such empathetic action is akin to wisdom as horse is to carriage. And such act saved the day.

Bro, a wise man is a compassionate man. A saying about it goes like this, "When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people." Indeed, a compassionate man reaches out to touch the lives of others and make a difference in their lives.

Nat, have you heard the story of Emperor Conrad III and his assault of Weinsberg, what is now southern Germany? In December of 1140, the emperor successfully conquered the town of Weinsberg and the fate of the men in the town, including their leader, Guelph, would usually be obligatory executions. For the women, it is not uncommon for them to be raped and killed at the pleasure of the emperor.

But on that fateful day, the emperor gave the women a safe passage out of the town on one condition: they have to leave all their worldly possession behind and are only allowed to carry whatever their arms could carry out of the devastated town.  At the appointed time for their departure, the women of Weinsberg staggered out of the ruined city, bearing in their arms their most precious possession: their husbands, including their defeated leader, Guelph.  This selfless act deeply touched the emperor. He wept with delight and his hatred for Guelph gave way to genuine reconciliation.

Nat, sometimes the wisest act you can witness is an act of selfless compassion. From the act of the good Samaritan to the death of Christ, from the sacrifices of a mother for her children to the heroic endeavors of a rescuer, a compassionate act is the highest embodiment of wisdom. It is life-transforming and it touches anyone who is a beneficiary of it.

Bro, my last thought on wisdom is this: Don't ever stop learning even after you have attained your paper qualification. And on this, I would like to say that you can learn from anyone, however young or old.  At certain crucial intervals of my life, Jezer had taught me invaluable lessons that humbled me down. Once I was frowning at a food court waiting for my food and Jezer was beside me. He noticed my childish frustration and said with remarkable sternness, "Daddy, why are you so impatient? You can't wait for a little longer meh?" That rebuke shook me up and I was deservedly humiliated.

Let me share with you another story about learning from life itself. Here goes: "A man walking through the forest saw a fox that had lost it's legs, and he wondered how it lived. Then he saw a tiger come up with game in its mouth. The tiger ate its fill and left the rest of the meat for the fox.  The next day God fed the fox by means of the same tiger. The man began to wonder at God's greatness and said to himself, "I too shall just rest in a corner with full trust in the Lord and he will provide me with all I need." He did this for many days but nothing happened, and he was almost at death's door when he heard a voice say, "O you who are in the path of error, open your eyes to the truth! Stop imitating the disabled fox and follow the example of the tiger."

Bro, the wise follows the example of the tiger and I would expect nothing less from you. I would also expect you to have a handful of trusted  mentors along your academic journey in Durham.

May your education be not just in textbook knowledge but also in the discipline of mastering life itself and all the challenges that come with it.  They say that the longest journey is not around the solar system and back. It is not even around the milky way or the far flung galaxies. Metaphorically speaking, of course. The longest journey is one from your head to your heart. Here, as one brother to another, I wish that your head-to-heart journey be a life changing one - enduring, always enriching and at times, serendipitously fun.

After all is said or written, I guess this road to wisdom will take a lifetime and then more, and there are definitely no short cuts available  since it is integral to developing virtues like patience, kindness, charity and humility.  Confucius once said, "When I was 30, I began my life; at 40, I was self-assured; at 50, I understood my place in the vast scheme of things; at 60, I learned to give up arguing; and now, at 70, I can do whatever I like without disrupting my life." If we take the sage's lead, neither you and I can say that we have arrived. Like wine, I guess the earnest seekers of wisdom get wiser with time and only with time.

On this, I take a page off Psalms 90, which reads, "The days of our life are seventy years, or perhaps eighty if we are strong; even then their span is only toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away...So teach us to count our days that we may gain a wise heart."  Nat, let's be mindful of our mortality and never stop to count our days remaining on earth. I always believe that life only starts when we realize how soon it ends. Always keep this perspective in mind so that you will never lose sight of what is truly important for you.

Bro, when God told Abraham to "leave his father's house", some interpretation has it to mean, "leave what is familiar". So, as you leave what is familiar this October and enter a new land and a new culture, making new friends, I wish that you will triumph all challenges that come your way with grace, confidence and wisdom. And in all your endeavors, let Charmaine be your buoy of hope and support, a true confidante and a companion for life. Because I always believe that "beside every successful scholar is an emotionally smarter wife." Cheers!