Who says Atheists are stupid?

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian. The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher being like a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat, which wasn’t there. “That may be,” said the philosopher. “But a theologian would have found it.”

The person doing the recalling was an atheist by the name of Julian Huxley, an English writer. And my source of this story is from a book I stumbled upon in a local bookstore entitled The Atheist’s Bible: An Illustrious Collection of Irreverent Thoughts.

I have to confess that I secretly enjoyed some of the quotes in the book so much that I bought the book. I guess it was one of those guilty pleasures that made me question my sanity and allegiance after chuckling so hard at the near-hilarity of the sharp wits and side-splitting levity demonstrated by some of the greatest atheist minds the world has ever seen.

As a Christian, this little book of no more than 200 pages of quotes should have been rightly condemned by me. If I had lived in the dark ages, I would have been burnt at the stake to be even found in possession of this little black book. The right thing to do then was to read the title with moral indignation, squirm in disgust, and walk away as if I had seen a ghost. The editor of the book may as well have been lucifer himself disguised as a lady by the name of Joan Konner who is a longtime award-winning journalist in television and print, and is currently a Professor Emerita and Dean Emerita of Columbia Graduate School of Journalism.

But as I flipped the pages, this quote bounced off the page and got my attention - which I know I have to recant later, “From the point of view of a tapeworm, man was created by God to serve the appetite of the tapeworm.” (Edward Abbey) Then, George Bernard Shaw dangled the bait with this observation, “The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that drunken man is happier than a sober one.” Like flies to light, or in this case, maybe pseudo-light, this quote from an Australian historian was the scorcher for me, “I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” (Stephen Henry Roberts)

Don’t get me wrong. I have read the book in one sitting and even highlighted some of the funniest and wittiest quotes, which I will quote here for your reading pleasure (Oops, I meant unrestrained condemnation, what was I thinking?!). But the point I am trying to make here is this: Atheists are really talentedly funny people. Their thinking process is almost flawless. Their wit is as sharp as the shimmering edge of a swinging guillotine blade. This accounts for how poetically alluring their words are and I am a sucker for such things. I see the beauty of their prose, the fluidity of their expression and the levity of their thoughts, and it made me think long and hard about my own faith and belief. No, seriously.

In other words, if we are honest enough, and with a dispassionate eye for all things beautiful regardless, we can learn a thing or two from these incredibly smart, godless people. And this is my caveat as I introduce you to the wordsmithery world of unalloyed exquisiteness: There are indeed some things in this world worth redeeming, worth marvelling at, even if they are at odds with our belief. With an open mind, and some maturity in the faith, sometimes, and quite ironically, the godless can show us more about the object of our adoration than those who are in the fold. And with this caveat comes the first lesson I learn from the book. “For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.” (Anonymous)

We Christians are known by many names by the atheists. But the one that really stuck for me comes under the general category of ignorance. We are seen by them to have this seemingly unearthly aversion towards knowledge or learning especially when we are being cornered by them with questions about our faith and God. Although I do not entirely agree with them on this, they do have a point if you really think about it. And here’s where the fun poking really starts with this quote, “Whatever we cannot easily understand we call God; this saves much wear and tear on the brain tissues .“(Edward Abbey)

How about trying this Mencken’s ribald humor for size? “What is theology? An effort to explain the unknowable by putting it into terms of the not worth knowing.” Here is another anonymous quote for your digest, “Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.”

Then, the book has many references to the irreverent definitions of faith. The notorious humanist Nietzsche leads the fold here, “Faith means the will to avoid knowing what is true.” Next comes the US writer Ambrose,  “Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.” And I end with another US writer, Elbert Hubbard, “Faith is the effort to believe that which your common sense tells you is not true.”

This is one of my personal favourites on the subject of ignorance and it comes from a former clergyman, who committed suicide so as to escape from a surgery he did not want to face. “Religion has treated knowledge sometimes as an enemy, sometimes as a hostage; often as a captive, and more often as a child .” (Charles Caleb Colton)

And to compound matters for me, it really doesn’t help much when anti-evolution Christians don on the garb of pseudo-creation-science and call themselves young earth creationists and starts challenging the scientific mainstream. Perhaps that explains this riposte, “If we are going to teach “creation science”…as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.” (Judith Hayes, US writer)

The next lesson is a subject-matter that is hard to deny or dispute for those with a keen sense of self-awareness. It is in fact something up close and personal to us. It is hypocrisy. If Jesus had caught a priest committing this sin, and invite atheists to cast the first stone, I am quite sure that at least ten stones would have hit the poor priest before Jesus could complete the invitation.

Here are some stones with these impassioned messages: “In church, sacred music would make believers of us all – but preachers can be counted on to restore the balance.” (Mignon McLaughlin,  US writer/editor); “I believe in God; I just don’t trust anyone who works for him.” (Anonymous); “The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.” (Richard Francis Burton, explorer and writer); Or this, “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.” (Susan B. Anthony, US women rights activist). This last one is kind of my favourite with searing remorse of course. “Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.”

Then comes the issue that the late Christopher Hitchen had made into a book entitled, “God is not Great: How religion poisons everything.” Although this criticism is unfair and one-sided because I dread to think of the alternative consequences of a religion-less world or one that is wholly irreligious, I will nevertheless allow them to ventilate here if only for one reason and one reason alone: the poetic irony sometimes fits.

Here’s what I mean, “But why do born-again people so often make you wish they’d never been born the first time.” (Katherine Whitehorn, English journalist); “If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities.” (Voltaire); Or this, “We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.” (Jonathan Swift, clergyman).

David Hume once wrote, “Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous.”  Here’s one from Ambrose, “Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity.” This next one made me think real hard by an American lawyer, “Those who love God are not always the friends of their fellow man.” (Robert G. Ingersoll). And this last one made me scratch my head in bemusement, “If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?” (George Daacon, Canadian journalist).

At this juncture, I will go a little slow here. Because the next lesson for me is personal. It is a subject matter that gives atheists the nuclear-like arsenals to throw at us and it stretches my faith to near breaking point sometimes. It is the paradox of evil. It is theodicy being lynched up at Calvary. It is a black pandora box that goes beyond simple reasoning and understanding. And atheists usually have a field day with us in what CS Lewis once called the shadowlands of faith. 

When CSL descibed pain as God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world, the atheists call it a soundless megaphone spinning on the floor of an empty stage. And on this, the atheist almost, and I mean, almost, has got a point. Here goes: “Religion provides the solace for the turmoil that it creates.” (Byron Danelius, US educator); “They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.” (Emily Dickinson, US poet); Or this, “I cannot see why we should expect an infinite God to do better in another world than he does in this.” (Robert Ingersoll)

And because of God’s apparent silence, the collateral damage to this divine withdrawal or hidden-ness is often unanswered prayer.  Leaving no theological stones unturned, the atheists have quite a few misgivings about prayer and the first witty opening credits goes to the irrepressible Voltaire, “I always said a very short prayer to God: here it is: “My God! Make my enemies very ridiculous!” God heard my prayer.”

This is followed closely by other worthy candidates:

“I prayed for freedom twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.” (Frederick Douglass, civil rights leader)

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” (Emo Philips, US comedian)

“Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.” (Ambrose)

From the evil paradox to unanswered prayers, the next stone throwing session would naturally be the indefensibility of our faith. This is where the atheists pit logic and reason against our belief. Of course, I have my own rebuttals here but since this article is about the beauty of their prose and the creativity of their thought processes, I would let them hog the limelight here with this quick paroxysm of quotes (more like verbal diarrhea).

“The existence of a world without God seems to me less absurd than the presence of a God, existing in all his perfection, creating an imperfect man in order to make him run the risk of Hell.” (Armand Salacrou, screenwriter); “What? Is man just one of God’s mistakes? Or is God just one of man’s?” (Nietzsche); And this, “If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated.” (Voltaire). Personally, this last one made me chuckled with post-oppressive guilt, “Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee. And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.” (Robert Frost, US poet)

Well, nothing is left untouched by the midas (or mindless) touch of the atheist. And atheism would not be complete without some derision at our enamoured idea of the afterlife. If you are properly strapped on, here goes:

“Why should I fear death? If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why should I fear that which cannot exist when I do?” (Epicurus)

“Religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, whereas spirituality is for people who have been there.” (Dave Mustaine, US singer)

“I have little confidence in any enterprise or business or investment that promises dividends only after the death of the stockholders.” (Robert Ingersoll)

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” (Woody Allen)

“It’s incredible con job, when you think of it, to believe something now in exchange for life after death. Even corporations, with all their reward system, don’t try to make it posthumous.” (Gloria Steinem)

Finally, I have come to the end of the quotes. Erm…almost. Come to think about it, I can’t possibly end here without throwing in some of the most irreverent, petty, vindictive, but no doubt comical, atheistic ventilations from the book for personal self-indulging kicks.

“There are three religious truths:

1.    Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2.    Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3.   Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.” (Anonymous)

“With soap, baptism is a good thing.” (Robert Ingersoll)

“You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.” (Woody Allen)

“Civilization will not attain to its perfection, until the last stone from the last church falls on the last priest!” (Emile Zola, French writer)

“I find it necessary to wash my hands after I have come into contact with religious people.” (Friedrich Nietzsche) (I guess the feeling is mutual here)

Now, let me end with this story by the famous author, Salman Rushdie, who lost his faith over a ham sandwich. Read and enjoy…I mean condemn. Cheerz.

“God, Satan, Paradize and Hell all vanished one day in my fifteenth year, when I quite adruptly lost my faith. I recall it vividly. I was at school in England by then. The moment of awakening happened, in fact, during a Latin lesson, and afterwards, to prove my new-found atheism, I bought myself a rather tasteless ham sandwich, and so partook for the first time of the forbidden flesh of the swine. No thunderbolt arrived to strike me down. I remember feeling that my survival confirmed the correctness of my new position.”