A love so transforming...

More than five years ago (Oct 2013), an obituary page in the Straits Times gave me pause for deep reflection. Here it is in full.

”To my beloved wife,

At age 14, I left my hometown in Anxi county, Fujian province in China, and made my way to Singapore to seek a living as a labourer. I was alone. But we met here, fell in love and treasured each other for 69 years. 

Together, we raised 11 children despite much hardship, built up our careers and expanded our family. Today there are 83 of us and our offspring are all well-educated, with many holding doctorate and Master’s degrees. 

This is because of your hard work for more than six decades. You not only taught them how to get through life, but also imparted the right values of filial piety, respect, love and the importance of giving back to society and nation. 

I will always be thankful that you have entered my life. Go in peace, my dear. I will always love and miss you.

Love,

Boon Poh, age 97.”

I am so tempted not to write a single word here and allow you to read that tribute again. I mean, what words from me can ever add to that page of heartwarming tribute from a 97-year-old husband to his wife? They have surely lived it all to tell their story. And what a story!

I also imagine that you can never aptly surmmarise close to a 70-year marriage with 11 successful children in one obituary column. Whatever you pen down, it would inevitably be a gross understatement of the struggles, overcoming and love shared and showered to all who crossed your path. 

But how else would you write out a life so compelling and empowering as that of the marriage of Boon Poh and his beloved wife?

Alas, at this point, I realised it’s too late for me. I have written more than a hundred words to get here. And I think (knowing me) I have to tell you how I feel about the touching obituary tribute.

Let me start off with my signature trigger word...“Lesson?”

And if there is one worthy lesson here, it has to be love. That was how Boon Poh signed off, ”With love“. 

Love may be a four-letter word, but it is anything but a four-letter word. If I may adopt an acronym, and take L-O-V-E as an abbreviation for something, the letters would stand for this: -

L - Let it go. 

It is about forgiveness because love keeps no record of wrong, especially human wrongs. In a lifetime together, you can expect frictions, conflicts and letting each other down. This is where forgiveness comes in, and most times, it is a powerful act of rising above our ego, hurts and self-torment. I will elaborate more on this when we come to “V”. 

O - Overcoming. 

That’s what Boon Poh and his wife did for close to a century. Their love stood the test of time. In all their trials, they made sure they come out of every one of them together, stronger. 

The years did not result in wear and tear. On the contrary, it resulted in a love that always shares and cares. And he said it himself: “I was alone. But we met here, fell in love and treasured each other for 69 years“. 

V - Vulnerability. 

Love never expects us to be unbreakable. It is a delusion for men to think that when they cry, they are weak. Or when they share their fears and anxieties, they are losing it. The only thing love demands is mutuality. That is, the sharing of pain, the exchange of our brokenness. 

That is how the two become one. Not by a ceremonial vow or a surpassing-all-expectation honeymoon, but by the joining of hearts, allowing intimacy to grow by opening up, so that love is always grounded in reality. And on that level, I believe the couple can overcome anything.

When this truth about our vulnerability sinks deep, we are free from the shackles of ungrounded idealism. We get to see how fallible we can be as a husband/wife and as a father/mother. 

Our souls are laid bare for our partners to explore, examine and understand. It is like the couple are diligently building a bridge between them and are determined to meet each other in the middle. 

When we come to that point of melded mutuality, as the two souls gradually entwined, we will find our capacity to let go of things, of disappointments, of human failings greatly expanded. This is where the “L” in love above, that is, forgiveness (or letting go) becomes the eventual go-to response to heal the wounds of the heart. 

I recall a saying here: "With love, you have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness." (Louis De Bernieres - Captain Corelli's Mandolin)

And...lastly,

E - End the day with love.

As I said earlier, that was how Boon Poh summed up his tribute, after  recalling how love overcame all. It bears repeating here.

“Together, we raised 11 children despite much hardship, built up our careers and expanded our family. Today there are 83 of us and our offspring are all well-educated, with many holding doctorate and Master’s degrees.”

”This is because of your hard work for more than six decades. You not only taught them how to get through life, but also imparted the right values of filial piety, respect, love and the importance of giving back to society and nation.“

There is one word to note above. The word is “despite”. The dictionary defines it as “without being affected by”. 

So together, they have raised 11 children, imparted the right values in them, built up their careers and ended up with 83 in total, all of which were achieved through hard work, devotion and unceasing love ”without being affected by” much hardship. 

I can imagine there are dark days and bright ones, but they journeyed through them all, never allowing the circumstances to break their bond and love for each other. 

Now, I don’t expect all marriages to take the same road. God knows, it is not an easy journey to embark on. Our own challenges are different. Each of us in our marriage has to rise up to our own unique circumstances. That said, 83 is a numerical feat no less.

But, my takeaway is how he concluded: “I will always be thankful that you have entered my life. Go in peace, my dear. I will always love and miss you.”

The key word for me is “always”. Always be thankful and always loving are simple expressions that speak volume of a marital union that has endured to the end. That makes all the difference. That’s true L-O-V-E. 


And as author Anne Lamott said: "A good marriage was one in which each person thought he or she was getting the better deal". And I have no doubt that Boon Poh felt that same way too. Amen.

Easter Sunday - Love never gives up.

You know, when Sammi Cheng, who is a Christian, posted an abridged version of 1 Corinthians 13: "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance,” I told myself there is a good Easter Sunday message hidden in there this morning. 

Led by that verse, she told the media that she is holding on to her marriage because true love never gives up. 

Now, I am not saying that things will eventually work out for them. For who is to know what the future holds for the couple? Only time will tell right? Andy will still have to restore the trust. 

For starters, Andy was and is truly remorseful, at least that was what his 7-mins tearful plea for forgiveness tells me. Although one may doubt his sincerity, I would however go with Sammi on this wholeheartedly, because her reliance on Corinthians is the source of hope for everything that this world has turned its back on.

Let me derail a little to lament about why the verse Sammi cited stands in contrast to the values of the world. 

“Love never gives up” or "Love never fails".

The world is often about giving up. If things do not go your way, give up. If he lies to you, give up. If he commits the unpardonable sin in a marriage, give up. Many have indeed asked Sammi to dump Andy. Her decision had in fact caused a debate about why she had even bothered to forgive him. 

Alas, it seems there is a new shame in the world today. It is the shame of ”why are you still hanging on to that adulterer?” He’s not worth your time or your heart, just give up. 

How about “love never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance?” 

Well, the world sees it differently. The world doesn’t think faith is a worthwhile pursuit.

Faith is the hope of evidence not seen, but the world has no time for that. It wants it now. It wants a tangible touch or things that are set before its eyes. It‘s instant gratification for immediate consumption. A consumerist heart therefore brooks no time lag or lapse. 

The world sees a meek heart as weak, a broken soul as defeated, a repentant spirit as damaged goods, and a returning prodigal son through the envious eyes of his elder brother, not the teary eyes of his Father.

So, in a marital betrayal as biting as Andy’s, the world’s advice to Sammi would be to walk away and find a better, more perfect companion. There is surely one waiting for her out there. Why continue on in a broken marriage? Your heart can’t take another blow from an unfaithful spouse. Protect your heart from now on, at all costs.

At this juncture, with biting irony, the words of CS Lewis come to mind. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Thankfully, Sammi saw it differently. She said “marriage consists not only of the happiness and warmth they give each other, but also embraces "each other's mistakes" and includes "mutual forgiveness"”. 

Undeniably, that is an apt Easter Sunday message for believers. Although I can’t imagine the pain she has to go through, I can nevertheless learn from her how she had relied on Corinthians for hope, direction and forgiveness. As a Christian, she walked her talk.

She called the incident "an important lesson in our marriage", and said they “need to face up to each other's flaws and not give up on themselves or the other party.”

Alas, if you go into a marriage expecting your the-other-half to be the infallible other-half, then consider CS Lewis’ advice to seal yourself from harm for good, that is, “Lock (your heart) up safe in the casket or coffin...in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable...” 

Of course, there are no free lunches. It takes two to clap in a marriage, and if one is unrepentant, the other party has to make a choice; a painful one no doubt. This is definitely not a case of locking your heart in a casket or coffin. For if you love boldly and freely in this fallen world, you are bound to be hurt deeply too.

On the contrary, this is a case of taking the courage to confront, forgive, and if one continues unrepentant, walk away in peace and hope. Mind you, I am not so delusional to believe that every betrayal in a marriage ends up stronger than before.  

But where the fallen spouse is prepared to do what it takes to make the marriage work, or return broken like the prodigal son did, the other spouse has to make a choice too. Whatever it is, it is still hers or his to make, and duly respected. 

If one makes it the same way Sammi made hers, it brings out a glimpse of this important Easter Sunday message this morning. It is the message of the Cross, and it is about a love that forgives unconditionally even if he has to bear the worst that his persecutors have set up for him. 

This is true freedom. That is, the freedom to set your own self free from hate, a hate that robs your soul from healing, restoration and redemption. Lewis B Swedes once said: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.”

If you bring the Calvary message into the centre of your marriage, it is truly about second chances; the same gift Sammi offers to Andy. And it is hope that Andy will take it seriously this time. Alas, while the world withdraws from fallen humanity, considering them beyond redemption, Jesus drew them all unto Him - no questions asked - for His love redeems all.

Let me leave you with this thought by Dr Robert Thurman. He said: “It’s impossible to love humanity in general; you can only love humanity in particular.” 

Fyodor Dostoevsky, in The Brothers Karamazov, puts the same truth this way: - 

“The more I love humanity in general the less I love man in particular. In my dreams, I often make plans for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually face crucifixion if it were suddenly necessary. Yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone for two days together. I know from experience. As soon as anyone is near me, his personality disturbs me and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I begin to hate the best of men: one because he’s too long over his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps on blowing his nose. I become hostile to people the moment they come close to me. But it has always happened that the more I hate men individually the more I love humanity.”

But in a marriage, that is one luxury the couple have to abandon at the step of the altar. Love is no longer an ideal, that is, a concept about loving in general. 

In a journey where the two shall become one, you can expect more than just tolerating with his nose blowing or her taking too long over her dinner. 

Along the way, your altar profession will be tested, and for some transgressions, you will be tested to the very core of your being. 

From a love that is professed in general, that is, an ideal you are prepared in your dreams to die for, you have to love in particular, in particular, the one you have sworn to love under all circumstances. Are you up to it then? Is your passion strong and real enough for it? 

I believe as a Christian Sammi drew her strength from Corinthians because that was a love that walked with us all the way, from the day of his baptism to the day he breathed his last. 

That was a love that gave Himself for us and joined us with Him forever. It was a love that offered atonement; a word that author Phil  Cousineau wrote can be broken into two, “at” and “onement”, that is, “at one with, in harmony.” That's His love for humanity, particularised for each of us, and offered not as a concept, but a living sacrifice. Amen.

Postscript: -

After the leaked video, Sammi wrote this in her Instagram: “Happiness doesn’t mean everything has to be smooth, there will be tests. I believe this experience will help us get back on the right track and that our lives will be reborn.”

I wish them the very best. Whatever happens, I pray that the message of forgiveness will be restored to the central place of humanity, and in homes and marriages. And in a world of intense anger, distrust and hatred, we need more than ever a forgiveness that is beyond this world. That is, a forgiveness that is timeless, enduring and unconditional. 

The Power of Forgiveness and Letting Go.

Forgiveness. What power does it have on us? 

In yesterday’s article “The healing power of forgiveness” by the always-perceptive Professor Chong Siow Ann, he wrote about this gift of ultimate release from the prison of our own soul. 

He puts it best with these words: “Just as the inability or refusal to forgive has the tragic effect of tethering the victims to the bitter past, and an obsessive and futile wish for an imagined better past without that trespass; for an unforgiving penitent, it can also be a psychic imprisonment that chains him to that original trespass.”

But psychic prison or otherwise, forgiveness for untold grief committed is easier said than done. 

Some hurt goes so deep that the victims are understandably struggling with the anger from the original trespass that they are unable to take the next step of the healing process, that is, forgiveness. 

It is not that they can’t, or do not want to, even after the perpetrator has served his time in prison. 

But this disability arises from that sense of deep grief and pain that paralyses the victim for years, even decades. I believe it is a feeling only the one bearing the hurt can fully understand. 

A few years ago, I read a book “Mission at Nuremberg” by author Tim Townsend. It tells about a Holocaust survivor, Simon Wiesenthal. After the war, he dedicated his life to being a Nazi hunter. Professor Chong also made mention of Simon in his article. 

In the book, Tim narrated an encounter that Wiesenthal had with a member of SS named Karl. The year was 1941 and the place was Janowska work camp. Wiesenthal was only 31 years old when he worked in the camp.

One day, he was assigned to a nearby hospital and a nurse approached him. “Are you a Jew?” the nurse asked. Wiesenthal nodded and followed the nurse to a Red Cross building. 

They walked up a flight of stairs and into a room where a man lying on the bed called out to him softly, “Please come nearer. I can't speak loudly.” 

As Wiesenthal drew nearer to the man, he introduced himself as Karl and told him that he has not much longer to live. He added that he is “resigned to dying soon.” 

But before he die, he wanted to tell Wiesenthal something that has been tormenting him. Karl specifically asked for a Jew so that he could confess to him what he had done to his people.

He started off with a brief background of his life. He told Wiesenthal that he was 21 years old when he joined the Hitler Youth. 

His faith as a Catholic altar boy faded away during the war. Karl insisted that he was not born a murderer but one day he was assigned to join a unit of SA storm-troopers somewhere in the Russian front. 

His unit found a deserted town and everything in it was either destroyed, bombed or burnt. As they searched the place, they found a large group of civilians huddling together and under guard. They were all Jews.

The next part of the story is described in the book with details unsparing: -

“The order was given and Karl, along with the rest of the unit, marched toward the huddled mass of families – 150 people, maybe, 200. The children stared at the approaching men with anxious eyes. Some were crying. Women held their infant children. A truck arrived with cans of gasoline, which were taken to the upper stories of one of the small houses on the square. Karl and his unit drove the Jews into the house with whips and kicks. Another truck arrived, and those Jews, too, were crammed into the small house before the door was locked.”

At this point, Wiesenthal wanted to leave the room as he was all too familiar with the ending. But Karl begged him to stay and allow him to finish. Reluctantly, Wiesenthal returned to his seat and Karl continued.

In the book, the author wrote: “The order was given, and the SS unit pulled the safety pins from their grenades and tossed them into the upper windows of the house. Explosions, then screams, then flames and more screams. The men readied their rifles, prepared to shoot any of the Jews who tried to flee the fire. Karl saw a man on the second floor of the house, holding a child. His clothes were on fire. A woman stood next to him. The man covered the child’s eyes with one hand and jumped. The woman followed. Burning bodies fell from other windows. The shooting began. “My God,” Karl whispered. “My God.”” 

Therein ends Karl's confession.

To Wiesenthal, God had on that day taken a leave of absence from that god-forsaken town. And in His place, Hitler and his ideology stood as a testament to the evil of humanity. What Karl was asking from Wiesenthal, a Jew, was forgiveness. 

In his own words, Karl said, “In the long nights while I have been waiting for death, time and time again I have longed to talk about it to a Jew and beg forgiveness from him…I know what I am asking is almost too much for you, but without your answer I cannot die in peace.” After he had finished, Wiesenthal stood up and left the room without saying a word.

Professor Chong wrote that “in the story, Wiesenthal did not absolve (Karl) but was haunted afterwards by uncertainty about whether that was the right thing to do. He closed the story by suggesting the reader mentally change places with him, and asks: “What would I have done?”

Honestly, I can never fully answer that question for what hurt have I suffered that qualifies me to even stand with people like Wiesenthal. 

I live in a secure modern state and have most of my Maslow’s hierarchy of needs satisfied to a large extent. 

The only “war-like” experience for me is the struggles with parenting, their academic results, some workplace politics that are resolved within a few days, my egocentric self at times, and the usual misunderstanding and petty grievances over largely trivial issues concerning human relationships. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trivialising our pain and personal wounds in a reasonably secure nation-state. For what is a “molehill” to some war survivors living in a different time can be a ”mountain” to people living in our modern era. 

Each person experiences their pain personally, differently and viscerally, and indeed, only the one who wears the shoe knows where it really hurt. 

But “what would I have done?” in Wiesenthal’s shoes is a soul-wrecking struggle, and the depth of the pain brooks no easy answer. 

That is why the powerful story above moved me deeply because the symbolic juxtaposition between Wiesenthal, representing the murdered Jews, and Karl, representing his tormentors, shows without a doubt the insufferable pain of humanity in their bid for personal redemption. 

For Karl, he was seeking to find redemption from the guilt by seeking forgiveness. And for Wiesenthal, he was struggling with the same hope for redemption from hatred by forgiving. Their pain is real and I have learned that we all struggle with this pain to a certain extent.

In our lives, the hurt we experience may be the hurt we have inflicted on others (as in Karl) or the hurt that have been inflicted on us (as in Wiesenthal). 

On either side of the divide, the question is the same: How do we move forward with our life carrying the burden of this hurt? 

And we all seek complete forgiveness and it comes easier when it is mutual, that is, as Professor Chong puts it, “For a victim to truly let go of his or her anger, the perpetrator must first admit responsibility and culpability, acknowledge that what he has done was hurtful and wrong, show remorse for it, apologise and offer emotional and/or material recompense.”

Yet, we know the reality apple falls far from the ideal tree. For some of us, our experience is that the perpetrator doesn’t even know he or she was being unbearable, malicious, unfair or self-serving. And will never admit to being so. 

So, often, the ball is in our court. Apart from withdrawing from such people to avoid being hurt, we have to make up our mind to let it go. At some point in our life, we have to forgive in our heart and move on for our own sake - because unforgiveness is infectious, toxic. 

For by not burying the hatchet, it would mean that we have to use it to dig a grave for those who have hurt us. In so doing, we are unknowingly digging a grave for ourselves. 

It is no less an emotional and mental prison in our soul as we tether our life to the original trespass.

Soh Kuan & Ming Kwong - the love of a lifetime.

Sometimes, it is good to be reminded of what love means. 

Is love timeless? Is love selfless? Is love true? Is love hopeful? Is love complete? Is love all you need? 

Social Affair Correspondent Janice Tai tells a story about love this morning that might just answer the above questions....that is, for those earnestly seeking for answers.

It started with a date in 2011. Ms Koh Soh Kuan (then 41) and Mr Pang Ming Kwong (then 50) met at a cafe in Pan Pacific Hotel and a year later (2011), they went steady. 

For Ms Koh, it was her first relationship and it was Mr Pang’s second. At that time, he was an auditor and she was an executive in a reinsurance company.

In their eight years together, Ms Koh wanted to tie the knot but Mr Pang would tell her “that many marriages ended up in divorces and (Ms Koh) was disappointed, but (she) know marriage cannot be forced.”

Two years ago, Mr Pang was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and doctors gave him a few years to live. 

Sadly, Mr Pang passed away on 28 December 2018. It was however a passing that love could not let go. 

Ms Koh was with him all the way. Her love gave all. She kept nothing for herself. He was all she could think about during this trying time. 

She was a Buddhist and he a Christian and both of them prayed for a miracle in their own earnest way. 

On Nov 9 last year, after he was hospitalised for the third and final time, he acknowledged her as his “dear wife”. 

Ms Koh said: “I was very touched because he often said in the past, he is not like youngsters who know how to sweet-talk, or give flowers and gifts. Hearing him call me that was very valuable to me.”

Janice wrote that “from then on, the couple began holding hands at his bed every day. She told him interlocking their fingers would symbolise being Husband and wife forever and he smiled and nodded his head in happiness.”

Before all this, Mr Pang kept a stoic view about romance and marriage. I guess he didn’t buy too much into covenantal love thinking that institutional passion are for the young.

But in the midst of his medical ordeal, he called upon Ms Koh in Nov 17 and asked for her hand in marriage. 

He said: “I love you, will you marry me?” And he often told her this: “If you are with me, I think I can live for a few more years.”

Mr Koh said that she was “very surprised and happy” when he proposed to her. She said: “I did not think about he brevity of time left when he proposed. It did not matter, whether it is a day, a week or a month, because we loved each other. Love shouldn’t be defined by time or what you get from each other.”

The touching part of their journey was on the engagement day. Ms Koh wore “a white dress” and Mr Pang had a white T-shirt on. “While the nurses sang A Thousand Years from Twilight movie, tears streamed down Ms Koh’s face.”

Mr Pang passed away at 1:21 am on Dec 28 with Ms Koh and his loved ones by his bedside. 

In the interview with Janice, Ms Koh said: “Can I go and register my marriage with him on that day? I miss him so much and I want us to be husband and wife forever.”

Lesson? One. 

At that time when he asked for her hand in marriage, Ms Koh “realised it could be his way of showing his final gift of love to her.” 

Here I wonder, what is love to the unmarried, the married and the married with kids all grown up? 

Personally, and some may disagree, I do not think all couple enter marriage with love as their overriding reason. Like they said, it is “complicated”. 

I believe some are quietly turned off by that four letter word (“love”), especially the men who wear the pants in the house. 

For them, love is impractical. It doesn’t bring back the bacon. It doesn’t put food on the table. Too much of it makes one vulnerable, weak and possibly needy. 

What’s more, in a society where marriage is often seen as some form of rite of passage, just like getting through streaming, PSLE and GCE levels and securing a career to pay off the housing loan and feeding the kids and the whole sapping cycle repeats itself, some unknowingly and unwittingly enter the long term marital union with a short term mindset. 

And if all that is about going through the motion, ticking off the boxes as time drags on in a marriage, then what does love demand of us then, especially the husbands? What part does love play in a marriage, even as the kids come?

Do we often take what is a good thing for granted and become too obsessed with what is never meant to be forever? For some of us, will we ever get it right the second time round, after surviving a personal trial that shakes our most coveted foundation we think can never be shaken? 

Alas, I believe love does not own us anything. It is often optional in a marriage. But it is also always there in a marriage - it never left. 

We men try to cast it off. We tell ourselves to put aside “playthings” of courtship since we have already got the girl. The race is over. The competition is won. The love is done, spent.

But we often forget that a marriage is about a lifetime, and love in my view is never retired in this union. We often do not know what love is until it is all we have at a time when nothing else really matters.

So, you can take love for granted in a marriage, but when you need it most, it may just be the only thing that matters in your world (as the love of Ms Koh and Mr Pang has shown me).

Indeed, where there is great love, there are always miracles, and the first and final miracle is always the enduring transformation of the heart. And at times, we may be called to let go of a life, but by then, the heart is changed forever by love.