”To my beloved wife,
At age 14, I left my hometown in Anxi county, Fujian province in China, and made my way to Singapore to seek a living as a labourer. I was alone. But we met here, fell in love and treasured each other for 69 years.
Together, we raised 11 children despite much hardship, built up our careers and expanded our family. Today there are 83 of us and our offspring are all well-educated, with many holding doctorate and Master’s degrees.
This is because of your hard work for more than six decades. You not only taught them how to get through life, but also imparted the right values of filial piety, respect, love and the importance of giving back to society and nation.
I will always be thankful that you have entered my life. Go in peace, my dear. I will always love and miss you.
Love,
Boon Poh, age 97.”
I am so tempted not to write a single word here and allow you to read that tribute again. I mean, what words from me can ever add to that page of heartwarming tribute from a 97-year-old husband to his wife? They have surely lived it all to tell their story. And what a story!
I also imagine that you can never aptly surmmarise close to a 70-year marriage with 11 successful children in one obituary column. Whatever you pen down, it would inevitably be a gross understatement of the struggles, overcoming and love shared and showered to all who crossed your path.
But how else would you write out a life so compelling and empowering as that of the marriage of Boon Poh and his beloved wife?
Alas, at this point, I realised it’s too late for me. I have written more than a hundred words to get here. And I think (knowing me) I have to tell you how I feel about the touching obituary tribute.
Let me start off with my signature trigger word...“Lesson?”
And if there is one worthy lesson here, it has to be love. That was how Boon Poh signed off, ”With love“.
Love may be a four-letter word, but it is anything but a four-letter word. If I may adopt an acronym, and take L-O-V-E as an abbreviation for something, the letters would stand for this: -
L - Let it go.
It is about forgiveness because love keeps no record of wrong, especially human wrongs. In a lifetime together, you can expect frictions, conflicts and letting each other down. This is where forgiveness comes in, and most times, it is a powerful act of rising above our ego, hurts and self-torment. I will elaborate more on this when we come to “V”.
O - Overcoming.
That’s what Boon Poh and his wife did for close to a century. Their love stood the test of time. In all their trials, they made sure they come out of every one of them together, stronger.
The years did not result in wear and tear. On the contrary, it resulted in a love that always shares and cares. And he said it himself: “I was alone. But we met here, fell in love and treasured each other for 69 years“.
V - Vulnerability.
Love never expects us to be unbreakable. It is a delusion for men to think that when they cry, they are weak. Or when they share their fears and anxieties, they are losing it. The only thing love demands is mutuality. That is, the sharing of pain, the exchange of our brokenness.
That is how the two become one. Not by a ceremonial vow or a surpassing-all-expectation honeymoon, but by the joining of hearts, allowing intimacy to grow by opening up, so that love is always grounded in reality. And on that level, I believe the couple can overcome anything.
When this truth about our vulnerability sinks deep, we are free from the shackles of ungrounded idealism. We get to see how fallible we can be as a husband/wife and as a father/mother.
Our souls are laid bare for our partners to explore, examine and understand. It is like the couple are diligently building a bridge between them and are determined to meet each other in the middle.
When we come to that point of melded mutuality, as the two souls gradually entwined, we will find our capacity to let go of things, of disappointments, of human failings greatly expanded. This is where the “L” in love above, that is, forgiveness (or letting go) becomes the eventual go-to response to heal the wounds of the heart.
I recall a saying here: "With love, you have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness." (Louis De Bernieres - Captain Corelli's Mandolin)
I recall a saying here: "With love, you have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness." (Louis De Bernieres - Captain Corelli's Mandolin)
And...lastly,
E - End the day with love.
As I said earlier, that was how Boon Poh summed up his tribute, after recalling how love overcame all. It bears repeating here.
“Together, we raised 11 children despite much hardship, built up our careers and expanded our family. Today there are 83 of us and our offspring are all well-educated, with many holding doctorate and Master’s degrees.”
”This is because of your hard work for more than six decades. You not only taught them how to get through life, but also imparted the right values of filial piety, respect, love and the importance of giving back to society and nation.“
There is one word to note above. The word is “despite”. The dictionary defines it as “without being affected by”.
So together, they have raised 11 children, imparted the right values in them, built up their careers and ended up with 83 in total, all of which were achieved through hard work, devotion and unceasing love ”without being affected by” much hardship.
I can imagine there are dark days and bright ones, but they journeyed through them all, never allowing the circumstances to break their bond and love for each other.
Now, I don’t expect all marriages to take the same road. God knows, it is not an easy journey to embark on. Our own challenges are different. Each of us in our marriage has to rise up to our own unique circumstances. That said, 83 is a numerical feat no less.
But, my takeaway is how he concluded: “I will always be thankful that you have entered my life. Go in peace, my dear. I will always love and miss you.”
The key word for me is “always”. Always be thankful and always loving are simple expressions that speak volume of a marital union that has endured to the end. That makes all the difference. That’s true L-O-V-E.
And as author Anne Lamott said: "A good marriage was one in which each person thought he or she was getting the better deal". And I have no doubt that Boon Poh felt that same way too. Amen.
And as author Anne Lamott said: "A good marriage was one in which each person thought he or she was getting the better deal". And I have no doubt that Boon Poh felt that same way too. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment