You know, when Sammi Cheng, who is a Christian, posted an abridged version of 1 Corinthians 13: "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance,” I told myself there is a good Easter Sunday message hidden in there this morning.
Led by that verse, she told the media that she is holding on to her marriage because true love never gives up.
Now, I am not saying that things will eventually work out for them. For who is to know what the future holds for the couple? Only time will tell right? Andy will still have to restore the trust.
For starters, Andy was and is truly remorseful, at least that was what his 7-mins tearful plea for forgiveness tells me. Although one may doubt his sincerity, I would however go with Sammi on this wholeheartedly, because her reliance on Corinthians is the source of hope for everything that this world has turned its back on.
Let me derail a little to lament about why the verse Sammi cited stands in contrast to the values of the world.
“Love never gives up” or "Love never fails".
The world is often about giving up. If things do not go your way, give up. If he lies to you, give up. If he commits the unpardonable sin in a marriage, give up. Many have indeed asked Sammi to dump Andy. Her decision had in fact caused a debate about why she had even bothered to forgive him.
Alas, it seems there is a new shame in the world today. It is the shame of ”why are you still hanging on to that adulterer?” He’s not worth your time or your heart, just give up.
How about “love never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance?”
Well, the world sees it differently. The world doesn’t think faith is a worthwhile pursuit.
Faith is the hope of evidence not seen, but the world has no time for that. It wants it now. It wants a tangible touch or things that are set before its eyes. It‘s instant gratification for immediate consumption. A consumerist heart therefore brooks no time lag or lapse.
The world sees a meek heart as weak, a broken soul as defeated, a repentant spirit as damaged goods, and a returning prodigal son through the envious eyes of his elder brother, not the teary eyes of his Father.
So, in a marital betrayal as biting as Andy’s, the world’s advice to Sammi would be to walk away and find a better, more perfect companion. There is surely one waiting for her out there. Why continue on in a broken marriage? Your heart can’t take another blow from an unfaithful spouse. Protect your heart from now on, at all costs.
At this juncture, with biting irony, the words of CS Lewis come to mind.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Thankfully, Sammi saw it differently. She said “marriage consists not only of the happiness and warmth they give each other, but also embraces "each other's mistakes" and includes "mutual forgiveness"”.
Undeniably, that is an apt Easter Sunday message for believers. Although I can’t imagine the pain she has to go through, I can nevertheless learn from her how she had relied on Corinthians for hope, direction and forgiveness. As a Christian, she walked her talk.
She called the incident "an important lesson in our marriage", and said they “need to face up to each other's flaws and not give up on themselves or the other party.”
Alas, if you go into a marriage expecting your the-other-half to be the infallible other-half, then consider CS Lewis’ advice to seal yourself from harm for good, that is, “Lock (your heart) up safe in the casket or coffin...in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable...”
Of course, there are no free lunches. It takes two to clap in a marriage, and if one is unrepentant, the other party has to make a choice; a painful one no doubt. This is definitely not a case of locking your heart in a casket or coffin. For if you love boldly and freely in this fallen world, you are bound to be hurt deeply too.
On the contrary, this is a case of taking the courage to confront, forgive, and if one continues unrepentant, walk away in peace and hope. Mind you, I am not so delusional to believe that every betrayal in a marriage ends up stronger than before.
But where the fallen spouse is prepared to do what it takes to make the marriage work, or return broken like the prodigal son did, the other spouse has to make a choice too. Whatever it is, it is still hers or his to make, and duly respected.
If one makes it the same way Sammi made hers, it brings out a glimpse of this important Easter Sunday message this morning. It is the message of the Cross, and it is about a love that forgives unconditionally even if he has to bear the worst that his persecutors have set up for him.
This is true freedom. That is, the freedom to set your own self free from hate, a hate that robs your soul from healing, restoration and redemption. Lewis B Swedes once said: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.”
If you bring the Calvary message into the centre of your marriage, it is truly about second chances; the same gift Sammi offers to Andy. And it is hope that Andy will take it seriously this time. Alas, while the world withdraws from fallen humanity, considering them beyond redemption, Jesus drew them all unto Him - no questions asked - for His love redeems all.
Let me leave you with this thought by Dr Robert Thurman. He said: “It’s impossible to love humanity in general; you can only love humanity in particular.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky, in The Brothers Karamazov, puts the same truth this way: -
“The more I love humanity in general the less I love man in particular. In my dreams, I often make plans for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually face crucifixion if it were suddenly necessary. Yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone for two days together. I know from experience. As soon as anyone is near me, his personality disturbs me and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I begin to hate the best of men: one because he’s too long over his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps on blowing his nose. I become hostile to people the moment they come close to me. But it has always happened that the more I hate men individually the more I love humanity.”
But in a marriage, that is one luxury the couple have to abandon at the step of the altar. Love is no longer an ideal, that is, a concept about loving in general.
In a journey where the two shall become one, you can expect more than just tolerating with his nose blowing or her taking too long over her dinner.
Along the way, your altar profession will be tested, and for some transgressions, you will be tested to the very core of your being.
From a love that is professed in general, that is, an ideal you are prepared in your dreams to die for, you have to love in particular, in particular, the one you have sworn to love under all circumstances. Are you up to it then? Is your passion strong and real enough for it?
I believe as a Christian Sammi drew her strength from Corinthians because that was a love that walked with us all the way, from the day of his baptism to the day he breathed his last.
That was a love that gave Himself for us and joined us with Him forever. It was a love that offered atonement; a word that author Phil Cousineau wrote can be broken into two, “at” and “onement”, that is, “at one with, in harmony.” That's His love for humanity, particularised for each of us, and offered not as a concept, but a living sacrifice. Amen.
Postscript: -
After the leaked video, Sammi wrote this in her Instagram: “Happiness doesn’t mean everything has to be smooth, there will be tests. I believe this experience will help us get back on the right track and that our lives will be reborn.”
I wish them the very best. Whatever happens, I pray that the message of forgiveness will be restored to the central place of humanity, and in homes and marriages. And in a world of intense anger, distrust and hatred, we need more than ever a forgiveness that is beyond this world. That is, a forgiveness that is timeless, enduring and unconditional.
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