Sunday, 14 February 2016

I dreamt I went to heaven and met the god of the prosperity gospel.

I dreamt I went to heaven and met the god of the prosperity gospel. It was a trip I will never forget. Although this is not my first time being teleported up to the heavenly realms, I still stand in awe of it. You can never get enough of heaven. It was definitely what it claimed to be by the prosperity preachers on earth. The bliss, the peace, the splendid love, joy and feast were simply beyond belief. And my first tour was to visit all the huge mansions in heaven.

Apart from the fact that they were all monochromatically, but gloriously, white, the similarity really ended there, really. The size of these mansions was unbelievable. They were colossal, humongous. My tour guide, an angel with a stutter and a hunch, told me that these were the residences of the prosperity preachers. There were the Creflo Dollar castle, the Copeland palace, Osteen colonnade, Meyer estate, and one grand mansion with this huge sign "GRACELAND," and trust me, Elvis doesn't own it.

These wonderful houses were kept and maintained by angels assigned to them on a 24-7, 365, eternity basis. They were clean and spotless, not even a dust mite could survive the pristine, sterile environment. They were accessorized and bejeweled, literally. And they were pure gold furnished/finished. You name it, taps, toilet bowl, bed posts, door knobs and all were simply pure solid gold!

I told the angel I could wax lyrical about the mansions and its interior, but there would be no reams or memory space enough to describe the amenities in each of these mansions. Words just can't fully express the grandeur.

The luxuriant properties practically sat on prime estate as big as an island. In fact, the perimeter gates, made of solid pink gold, stretched beyond the horizon. Whatever you can imagine in opulence, luxury and wealth, they had it. Pools, gardens, sports courts, running tracks, playgrounds, pavilions, ponds, and even a waterfall with bungee jumping facilities. They were all decked out in heart-stopping majesty. I even told the angel that I wanted to stay in heaven forever.

But it was at this time that the god of the prosperity gospel swiftly made his appearance. He was all white of course. He was tall like a giant, a behemoth. He was buff, debonair, youngish, and had a set of flashing white teeth. He also wore a tight leather jacket – that was an added bonus. Again, all this only adds up to one thing, the all-distinguishing mark of a prosperous divinity: He was incredibly good looking. That was a must I guess. He would put George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Superman, Thor, and the Avenger to utter shame.

He was a gentleman too. He invited me to a lavished high-tea by the waterfall. I think he used the GRACELAND mansion to host the afternoon tete a tete with me. And I kinda spotted that familiar leather jacket hanging by the doorway. 
We sat and we talked almost non-stop that afternoon and I was sponging it all in with great delight. First thing first, he asked me to call him "GPS" for God of the Prosperity Scriptures. I asked him why not GPG for God of the Prosperity Gospel and he said GPS has a ring of familiarity and omnipotence to it. He just liked the idea of being everywhere. It was his distinct personal trademark. I then nodded in complete agreement.
Next, GPS reserved the highest praises for the wonderful good works his elected sons and daughters were doing on earth. They were elected - GPS said - because they were preaching all the good stuff about him. At this point, he reminded me that the Old Testament was all about wrath, discipline and punishment. In short, an angry and awfully uncool god. To him, that ship had sailed long time ago.

Then the New Testament came along and changed all that. It was about setting all free at Calvary. One sacrifice for our freedom. However, it was still not the right pitch for GPS. There was more to come – according to GPS. He didn't elaborate much about that but what got GPS really excited, he gushed, was the exciting events happening of late.

GPS hollered out that his elected prosperity preachers have clinched the sweet spot of spirituality with prosperity, wealth and health. They changed his outlook of things completely, 360 degrees overhaul. After the prosperity gospel went viral with church members giving all they have to their leaders, making them rich beyond their wildest dreams, GPS told me that he had each of their darling mansions completely renovated - installing new wings and increasing the landmass to reward them for moving the gospel into the sacred goldilocks zone of perfection and right believing.

But at this point, I sheepishly asked GPS about the members who had sacrificed everything for their mega-church leaders and have little left for their family and children - that is, they are languishing in debts and poverty. What about them who exists in the majority?

There was a long pause at this time before GPS bursts out laughing. It was an awkward moment for me. He then exclaimed: "If you doesn't name it, you ain't claim it!" I noticed that broken sentence structure but ignored it when GPS reminded me that like the real estate jingle: "Location! Location! Location!" the defining rave for our modern time is: "Blessings! Blessings! Blessings!" 

And then GPS added this rather familiar liner: Only by this, they shall know that you are my disciples...if you are rich and living it up with one another.

In the next few hours, GPS talked to me about creationism, intelligent design and the end-time before he bade me farewell for now. Before he whizzed off, GPS reminded me to ask and it shall be given, seek and I shall find, and knock and he shall personally cause a floodgate to crash over my front door.

Courteously, GPS apologized to me for the brief audience with him because he has to help with one of his elected sons to purchase a private jet mostly for private use (but disguised for public evangelism). He told me he was asked to choose the color of the jet. It was either turquoise or champagne gold. That was his horned dilemma for that day.

I then thanked him for the high tea and the inspiring pitch about prosperity, health and wealth, and left heaven in high spirits. Before I was teleported down, I uttered a prayer in line with the prosperity gospel. I prayed for unimaginable wealth, perfect health and abundant blessings in my life, and I opened my eyes with great hope, faith and anticipation.

Admittedly, and rather unashamedly, I was trembling with sheer excitement of what is awaiting for me on earth when I return. I have indeed named it as pitched by GPS. Now, without any doubt and exception, I shall claim them all! Cheerz.

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