What if you are involved in a relationship with someone who is not a Christian?

At last weekend’s retreat, entitled “plugged-in”, I was asked in a panel discussion, “What if you are involved in a relationship with someone who is not a Christian?”

I was arrowed to answer it. To be honest, I have always thought about that question. I have also dealt with many divorce couples, and there were a fair proportion of them who were believers. 

Some marriages with children lasted for more than ten years. There were even some of them who were leaders in churches.

My point here is not to use statistics to prove a point. There is nothing here to prove. But my point is however to reflect on the biblical injunction that one should not be equally yoke’d with unbelievers. It is tempting to call this some kind of biblical in-breeding. But I shall resist that thot. 

If you want to flesh out the whole scripture on it, here it is in 2 Corinthians: -

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 

What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”

That is not the end of the injunction. Here is more for your digest.

“What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."

Therefore, "Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you."”

Come to think about it, the question “what does believers have in common with an unbeliever?”, well, I think we have a lot in common. 

And the metaphor about light and darkness equally applies to me; as many times, I found myself struggling within the shadows of the light I felt was so near but yet so far.

If the standard is to “touch no unclean things, and I will receive you”, then I can forget about touching myself (pun definitely unintended), and it may just take forever for Paul to receive me. 

When philosopher Frederich Nietzsche said that “the last Christian died on the Cross”, his point did not go unnoticed for me. He was obviously talking about how we have failed to live up even after more than two thousand years of our Saviour’s death. 

Although I have to say it was not a fair statement from Nietzsche, it nevertheless makes for good and deep self-examination. The St James’ mirror demands our undivided attention. 

Here, I recall just three days before the retreat last Thursday, I had family time with my children, (something we do regularly recently to connect with our kids), and I asked my son that same question, about “equally yoke”, and he gave me an answer every Christian parents would love to hear, “Of course NOT lah.” 

That emphasis was reassuring. My wife was visibly elated while I smiled.

Then, I caught myself thinking, what is it about an atheist that we believers are so wary about? Many divorces are not just because you are married to a non-believer. Or because both of them are of another religion. 

And this may culturally shock some staunch believers, but, as I said before, many Christian marriages break up too. I know, I have been there with them. 

Ultimately, Paul was looking at the heart, not at labels. One can be a professing, but not a practising, Jesus-follower. 

We must never forget that Christ came not to hold power, fame or fortune, but to arrest hearts. It is not about being equally yoked with someone who calls himself or herself Christian, but someone whose heart is never transformed in the first place. 

He may attend church regularly, raise hands in surrender at worship services, lead the flock with in-depth knowledge of the word, impress many with a glib tongue, but his life has never admitted, not even an iota, the transforming light of his crucified Saviour. 

Chesterton’s advice is a good reminder here: “Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.”

Alas, truly, the first-principle is to not be equally yoked, and the first sign we look out for is whether he or she is a Christian. And mm...., there are also some biblical hoops my potential son- or daughter-in-law would have to jump thru. They must confess Christ, repent of their sins, accept the Saviour, attend church, sign up for a ministry, and the list goes on and on. 

While I may never know when the heart is truly and deeply touched, or when it may just go astray, I can only pray for their marriage to always allow his Word to be a lamp unto their feet and a light unto their path. 

And notwithstanding ticking all the right boxes, being a Christian is just a name we give to ourselves. It is what we put in when we are filling forms. It is what we tell people who enquire casually. And it is the attention we fortunately don’t get when the altar call in church is announced, and the ushers are keenly looking at newcomers. 

So, I have no delusion about being equally yoke’d when the time comes for my son or daughter who are involved in a courtship. Telling me he or she is a Christian is a start but it is not the end of it. And by the same token and principle, I want to say that telling me he or she is not doesn’t end there. 

When it happens to me, I want to know why my child has fallen for him or her. I want to know why he or she risks being equally yoked with someone who is not a believer, that is, what he or she sees in their courtship partner. Mind you, based on Chesterton’s quote, the risk works both ways. 

And more so, if they have gone deep into the courtship (possibly keeping it under wraps because of fear of disapproval), I want to meet the gentleman or lady. I want to understand him or her more.

What I am saying is that things are never that clear-cut when it comes to the heart. I must treat a human being not labellistically or dismissively, but personally, respectfully and intimately. His belief is one of the conditions I take into consideration. The whole person is always far more complex than we would like to give credit for. 

Ultimately, I can only guide and counsel my child. He or she has to take that leap of faith and walk the journey with all the possible slips and falls. 

Although I will always be there, every step of the way, it is still the experience that my beloved child will have to learn from and grow thereon. 

And it is this whole journey that defines us, that is, a journey that takes a lifetime to get it right, because every right decision or wrong one - if we learn from it - is a personally moulding experience towards being more Christlike.