Is modesty still relevant in our world today?
If modesty is taking responsibility for our sexuality, and this responsibility means conducting ourselves in a way that brings about respect, honour and protection from the opposite gender, are we at risk of allowing our sexuality to be used for ways other than what modesty demands?
I thought of that because in the retreat’s workshop last weekend, we (panelist) were asked related questions about sexual boundaries, and one of the panelists (Rachel) mentioned modesty.
She said she’s old fashioned, but she believed in dressing appropriately for the ladies so that one doesn’t become objectivised.
She has a point, but I am afraid the world would not go with that flow. I am afraid the world would tell people like her that how I dress is my business, and if it seduces, then that‘s his problem.
My body is mine to flaunt and your lust is yours to control. So don’t blame me for your uncontrollable urges.
Incidentally, that reminded me of what Naomi Wolf once wrote. “There are no good girls; we are all bad girls.” She advocates that we should then admit it and “explore the shadow slut who walks alongside us.”
Mm...I wonder, have we carried feminism and sexual liberation too far? Have we taken the sexual revolution that is supposed to free one from the oppression of patriarchy and misogyny to another form of freedom which sets whatever sexual boundary one fancies as long as it leads to getting one’s way?
In “Return to Modesty”, author Wendy Shalit wrote this as a summary of the book: -
“I propose that the woes besetting the modern young woman - sexual harassment, stalking, rape, even “whirlpooling” (when a group of guys surround a girl who is swimming, and then sexually assault her) - are all expressions of a society which has lost its respect for female modesty.”
Wendy’s point on modesty coincides with Rachel’s advice to the young adult in the retreat to dress with self-respect. And this is what Wendy wrote: -
“Women who dress and act “modestly” conduct themselves in ways that shroud their sexuality in mystery. They live in a way that makes womanliness more a transcendent, implicit quality than a crude, explicit quality.”
As a father and a husband, I’d like to say that we need people like Wendy and Rachel to tell the young what modesty means to them.
It is, as Wendy puts it, a mystery, and a quality that is to be reserved and treasured for such time as it is safe to offer to the one who can guarantee the offerer a lifelong commitment to honour, respect and protect it.
Most of all, it is not transactional, expressed most impatiently as “friends with benefits”, but it is transcendent, expressed as “lifelong lovers within the enduring freedom that a marital union brings”.
This may be considered as antiquated and prude by many out there, but it is funny how a father would go all out to cover his daughter’s modesty, glaring at those who even dare to ogle at his beloved’s assets, but when it comes to the other girls, he is often less strict and bothered.
But surely, that does not change the fact that the object of our lust is no less somebody’s daughter, wife and/or mother.
So, we have collectively remade our own culture; most times, rather unwittingly. It has become highly or hyper-sexualised because modesty and conservatism are seen as backward or straitjacket values arising from an oppressed, Victorian mindset.
Our daughters thus dress as they like and flaunt as much as they want, leaving nothing to the imagination, because the shame that results from self-respect is misconstrued as an embarrassment and the virtue of protecting one’s private parts from leering eyes is derided as not flowing with the time.
I recall an encounter when a teacher confronted a male student with pornographic materials, and the student said, “My father doesn’t mind. We sometimes watch together. He said I should not be ashamed of the female body.”
Alas, is it any wonder that our sons are rationalising and demanding that if she really loves, she will freely offer, holding nothing back?
My parting shot is this, when our daughter let go of her modesty, we turn our sons into individuals on a hunt to satisfy their own lustful desires, and the sacred gift of sexuality that is reserved for marriage becomes a transaction for momentary release of self-centered pleasure.
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