Goo Ha-ra - an early departure.

I always wonder, when a young life ends where does she go? Assuming she goes to heaven, will she find peace there? Will she find what she is looking for? What kind of conversation will she have with God? 

Another K-pop star Goo Ha-ra, only 28, has ended her life. Ironically that was what she had control over. She ended it by a decision she’d made independently, on her own, at the very threshold she made it. 

Goo was a former member of popular K-pop girl group Kara. It disbanded in 2016. Goo later released a solo Japanese-language single, Midnight Queen, this month. She had also just “wrapped up a mini-tour in Japan from Nov 14 to 19.”

Her death follows at the heels of another K-pop star Sulli, 25 (whose full name was Choi Jin-ri). Both took their lives in the privacy and comfort of their homes. Choi aka Sulli was found dead on 14 Oct. 

Goo’s last words were about a certain much-sought-after recovery. 

She wrote: “I’m sorry for causing concerns and a commotion. In terms of health, I am recovering...I had been in agony over a number of overlapping issues. But from now on, I will steel my heart and try to show up healthy.”

Overlapping issues? Well, it reports that Goo has been “embroiled in a public row with a former boyfriend whom she accused of assault and said had threatened to release sex tapes of the two of them.” 

Mind you, the K-pop industry is ”known for its cut-throat competitiveness, a lack of privacy, online bullying and relentless public pressure to maintain a wholesome image at all times.”

Lesson? One. 

We live in different times. We can’t really protect our kids all the time, at least in the way our parents could during their time. And during their time, social media was non-existent. 

So, when they need feedback about themselves, they either look at the mirror and do the necessary adjustments or ask their parents and friends for advice, and I trust most of the time, they will be kind and constructive about it. 

At least, there were still some filter from trusted loved ones. And their privacy was amply preserved. 

At that age, struggling with the fragility of self, they need all the buffer they can muster between themselves and the world (and its culture). But with the rampancy of social media, that buffer is blown away. 

In another section of the papers today, Joyce Teo wrote an article entitled “Let’s chat about stress - complications from social media.”

In the article, Dr Charmaine Tang, a consultant from IMH, said that the top stressors among youth are relationship problems, studies or work, and the emerging adult responsibilities.

Dr Tang also said that “social media can add a layer of complexity to the problems some youth face.” She was talking about cyber bullies. 

In her chat with 16 to 21, she said, “They may post pictures of themselves looking good, looking slimmer, or of their things in the hope of being perceived in a certain way.” 

Dr Tang cited a case where “they were poking fun at her, calling her fat and ugly. Whatever she posted on Instagram, people would slam her. That caused her quite a bit of distress. She was referred by the school counsellor as she had suicidal thoughts and was self-harming.”

Alas, all this somehow reminded me of Goo’s last words, “But from now on, I will steel my heart and try to show up healthy.”

Is our social media age an age where our young strive to “show up” in whatever ways (or image) they feel would please their nameless and faceless fans, acquaintances or friends? 

Is it no longer about themselves as themselves in whatever season of nurturing growth they are in, but it is now about what others in social media expect of them and how they try, even if to breaking point, to bridge that gap?

Alas, it used to be that when they look into the mirror, the simple reflection shows only one image, that is, their very own. And from there, they reflect upon it in solitude and do the necessary changes as they deem fit at the pace befitting of that season.

Now, when they look into the social media mirror, what they see are hundreds, if not thousands of faces, with expectations they often struggle to keep up, and with their own image lost in the crowd. 

So, let me return to the imagined conversation that Goo may have with God (bear with me here, or indulge me). 

...

God: “How are you my child?”

Goo: “Are you...God?”

God nods.

Goo: “Is this heaven?”

God: “It is a place where you can be yourself, yes.”

Goo: “Oh...I am in heaven?”

God smiles.

Goo: “Oh...I am so sorry. What have I done?”

God: “My child, you are here now, with me.”

Goo: “God, why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you appear and warn me? Surely, that would change things right?”

God: “But, would it have changed you?”

Goo: “erm...I think so. You are God, for heaven’s sake! Oops, sorry.”

God: “My child, you are deeply loved. That love has been there all along. It started from creation and it is made perfect in my son.”

Goo: “yes, I have heard about that. But somehow, it’s just not enough. I needed something more than that. Something that is attention grabbing. God, if I may be frank, at times, my boyfriend and even my fans are more real than you.”

God: “That’s what I mean child. Would it have changed you? What you have been looking for is not what will change you ultimately from the inside. The choices you’ve made have consequences. And they are made not by you, but by the people or things you felt at that time matters to you.”

Goo: “I have been told that many times. It is not easy. I feel I needed to fill that gap, even to breaking point.”

God: “Well child, your rest comes from what you build within you. It comes from finding the right anchor, one that loves you unconditionally.”

Goo: “I have also heard about that too.”

God: “Yes, but hearing it more than once doesn’t make it less true right? It only makes it more urgent, and when you fail to act on it, it makes it more of a nuisance. But truth is tough. It is tough love.”

Goo: “I guess you’re right. You’re God after all. So, where do I go from here?”

God: “You are now in a place you can be yourself. A place where the anchor never changes. It is an anchor that does not depend on views or opinions, but love, overcoming love. It is a place you know on earth as home.”

For good people to do evil, that takes religion.

Mid-week reflection: -

“With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion." (Steven Weinberg, Nobel Laureate in Physics) 

Mmm...I wonder what it takes for evil people to do good things, or more relevantly, become good? Is religion the culprit here too? 

One also has to consider this, why good people bother to stay good and evil people bother to stay evil? Or, what makes good people turn evil and evil people turn good? 

You see, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Is religion then the "sauce" that makes good people evil and evil people good? What's the common denominator? Is religion this common denominator? Sauce for thought?

But, isn’t take just a tad confusing? For god’s sake, is religion good or evil then? 

Alas, here’s what I think.

If we want to be good, nothing will stop us from being good. And if we want to be evil, nothing can stand in our way either.

I have seen good people turn evil too after they become rich and powerful. And I have seen evil people turn good after they have lost everything or take that walk down their own Damascus road. 

People do indeed change and they sometimes change faster than the traffic light changes colors. 

We are as much a victim of circumstances as we are a declared victor of it. 

No peak comes without the valley, but no peak is a guarantee that we will not fall once again into our own valley. In fact, the higher the climb, the harder the fall. And the harder the fall may just be the deeper the change. Go figure right?

Some people remain good in good times and bad times, regardless. And others remain evil whether in good or bad times. They are just indifferent to the seasons of change. They are evil for the most banal, or noblest of reasons. 

You can almost whiff a virtue in that, that is, they just want to be consistent about being consistently evil. And neither being religious nor irreligious has anything to do with it.

And if we want to point the finger, we will need more than ten fingers or two hands. The reason for the enduring goodness and evilness of man is too complex a social and personal phenomena for explanation or pinpointing. 

Religion is an easy target because it is most prominent and convenient. It is the lightning rod that gets struck down, the unwitting deer in the middle of the road, and the sore thumb that sticks out. 

If anything, religion aims to make the natural supernatural and the imperfect perfect. However idealistic the aim, the earnest throw always fall short; and most times by a long shot. 

So atheists have a field day with our shortcomings, which to them are magnified many times over by the highfalutin biblical assurances we present to them. They tend to forget the “like” in Christlikeness, and mistake the lifetime journey with its overnight arrival.

They also forget that it is not the cover that makes a good book. Neither a coat nor tie that makes a good man. A book is a good book by reason of good authorship and a man is a good man by virtue of his thoughts and actions over time. 

We judge a book and a man the same way we judge a seed, that is, by the fruits it produces. A good book gives birth to a harvest of inspiration and imagination. And a good man demonstrates it by the fruits that his life bears. All of which does not happen in an instance. Some may take many instances; some just never. 

A religion that is not internalized is nothing but the cover of a book or the boastings of an insecure man. A believer who does not bear fruits over time is like an unplanted seed, kept away from the sun and the rain, lost in darkness and forever parched. 

So religion is only an excuse for evil man to do evil. It is a tool rather than the cause. It is a means to an end rather than the end itself. 

I guess the last known frontier of human inquiry when it comes to religion is this: “Will we treat others as a means to our end or as an end in itself?” If it is the latter, then we would have savour a foretaste of what it means to fulfill the two greatest commandments Jesus talked about, whereupon all the laws and the prophets depend.

Going back full circle, the quote above hints to a tragic sense of irony when it reads, "but for good people to do evil things, that takes religion." The observation, however sarcastic, is pregnant with the spawn of hypocrisy. 

Nevertheless, I wonder which comes first, "the religion chicken or the evil egg"? Is a man evil first and commits evil things? Or is he of a certain religion first and commits evil things? One is about cause and the other about convenient correlations. 

The answer to me is clear. While I can't answer the proverbial chicken or egg riddle in general, I can say with some confidence that religion is like a knife with a protective handle. You can choose to hold it by the blade or by the handle. It is a choice you make. It has nothing to do with the way the knife is made. 

Should you choose to hold it by the blade, you will bleed. Should you choose to hold it by the handle, it's yours to keep. 

It is the same logic with religion. It is a choice the believer makes. The choice makes the man. Good or bad, the man makes the choice. I can only pray that that much is clear to all men, even the wisest amongst us.

It's Ok to not be OK.

It’s OK To Be Not OK. 

That’s Asher’s message. Asher (means “Happy” in Hebrew) is a 32-yr-old social worker, married with one child. 

He runs a charity known as Limitless. He founded it in 2016 to reach out to trouble young people. He said: “I knew there were youth out there struggling, but they wouldn’t seek help due to the stigma of seeking help or for fear of being ridiculed. So we have to go out to find them.”

Asher is featured today in the Generation Grit section by Theresa Tan because he is a fighter. 

Mind you, it is a common foe that he fought against, or something we can identify with to some extent. Asher suffered from body dysmorphic disorder and “would obsess over perceived flaws in his appearance.”

He said: “I could spend three hours doing my hair. I would style it but hated how it looked. So I would wash it and do it all over again. It was an obsession. Popping my pimples was also an obsession.”

"When I looked into the mirror, I saw that my nose was not straight, my complexion was not good and I was too short... I felt that everything about me was not good enough and I could never measure up."

On top of that, that is, the insecurity and inferiority complex, Asher also lost his father at the age of eight. That hit him hard. 

He recalled many fond memories with him. He remembered a time they were trekking up the Rocky Mountains in US. They heard something rustling at a distance and Asher said: -

“My dad thought it was a bear and told me to run. It turned out to be a very big porcupine and we had a good laugh...My dad was willing to lay down his life for me. He left a very big hole in my life after he passed away."

His dad was a Polytechnic lecturer who passed away of cancer. After that, he struggled in school. 

He was bullied and he needed the help of a psychiatrist to manage his anger. Many times, he longed for his dad to be around. 

Of his relationship with his mum, who ran a tuition centre, he said: “I was not an easy kid and she was not an easy mum. We both had our own eccentricities."

After his PSLE, Asher was posted to the Normal (Academic) stream. His self-esteem took a beating. He thought he was stupid, on top of being ugly.

The story of his life then took a nudge in the right direction when he topped the N levels and got into Business Management course at Nanyang Poly. Later, he earned a degree in social work at Monash University. 

During his life journey, Asher suffered many panic attacks, felt inadequate, was bullied and teased, and he also battled depression. At one point, he even contemplated ending it all when he sat on a window ledge. 

Asher said that his Christian faith gave him perspective and “kept him out of bad situations and stopped him from ending his life.”

This was where he founded Limitless in 2016 to reach out to troubled youth. He wanted to make mental health “a key focus” for Limitless. 

Financially, Asher is living on his savings and his wife’s (Joanna’s) income as a senior dietitian. His take home from Limitless is less than $1000 and the charity depends on donations from various organisations like Tote Board and National Youth Council.

While Asher means happy, he admits that he still have feelings of inadequacy and depression has not left him. He concluded the interview with Theresa on this candid note: -

“My life is pretty okay right now. I like where I am. But the voices telling you that you suck never stop. You just learn how to drown them out so that it doesn't affect you. You learn how to cope."

Lesson? ...

My reflection on Asher’s journey guided me to many lessons of the heart. But one, in particular, that stood out is the loss of his father when he was only eight. 

When his dad died of cancer, Asher said: "My dad was willing to lay down his life for me. He left a very big hole in my life after he passed away."

Last night, my son (17-yrs) and I had a fallout. It was more me actually. I reprimanded him for not tidying up the house. He fumed and kept quiet the whole night. He even vented it out on his mother. 

But having said that, he did clean up the place, and when I thanked him, he walked away, still fuming. That’s understandable. 

And if I could turn back the clock, I would have done it differently. I therefore planned a dining out tonight with the family to make up to him. 

But my point is that to lose someone so dear is indeed likened to leaving behind a big hole in one’s life. It is especially so when he has been a firm anchor and stable ballast in your life. 

Alas, the importance of fatherhood cannot be underestimated. As fathers, we stand in the gap for our son and daughter, and in our absence or neglect, their hearts struggle to fill the hole with things and activities that can never match up to the undying affection and presence of a father. 

The laughter and joy shared between a father and his child strengthen the body and mind. The faith and trust the father has for his child expand his/her soul to reach out in courage and hope. And the love and sacrifices of a father generously fill the hole in the child’s heart. 

As long as we as fathers have this sacred opportunity, we should never take it for granted. I learned the lesson the hard way by always stubbornly thinking that father knows best or knows better. Most times, I am as clueless as a father as my child. 

I admit that I am willing to sacrifice myself for my child, but there is ironically a discernible disconnect between that profession and my daily, sometimes unconscious, actions. We just don’t show it enough to them for us fathers to affirm it in our words.

While Asher has sadly lost his dad, we who are still around ought never to squander away this opportunity to connect with our children. We should live intentionally and fight routine so that everyday with them is both a fresh experience and a chance to grow closer, and not apart. 

So, thanks Asher (and Theresa) for this lesson, and I sincerely pray for Asher, that he will find his peace, rest and hope in His overcoming love. Amen. 

Ps: Indeed, it is OK to be not OK as long as we as fathers learn from it - because we are only human.

Growing Rich in the Right Values.

Mm...if your father is a billionaire, how will you turn up in life? 

While some second generation are unabashed to show you that they are exceedingly wealthy, with the flaunting of assets and cash, others are much more circumspect. In an article on Sunday, Paige Parker wrote about “Growing rich in the right values.”

Who’s Paige Parker? 

Well, here’s a clue. She recently wrote a memoir, “Don’t Call Me Mrs Rogers”. Still clueless? Well, her husband is Jim Rogers. He is a billionaire investor. He’s cofounder of the Quantum Fund and the Soros Fund. He now runs his own investment firm, Rogers International Commodity Index. 

So, here’s the question: how has Paige been raising her two teenage daughters, Happy and Bee? She started her article with this, “The more you learn, the more you earn.” 

She said: “Learning goes way beyond the classroom in our minds, and earning includes monetary, intellectual and emotional fulfilment; yet the question we ponder, like so many parents, is how to ensure our daughters understand the necessity of hard work and “saving for a rainy day”, which my father constantly chanted when I was a child.””

In the article, she teaches Happy and Bee about working hard. Happy,16, has worked as a Mandarin tutor to two young girls, Ying and Xuan. “Our daughters do chores, helping with dinner, clearing table, keeping their rooms neat to “earn” their pocket money for school lunches.””

Paige also taught them budgeting. “We give two weeks of earned lunch money to Happy ($2 a day), and one week to Bee, in advance so they may budget for a short span of time.” 

When they overspent, which Bee did, they have to make do with lesser for the rest of the week, or go to their piggy bank for “overdraft”.

And on giving, Paige encouraged the girls to share their CNY hongbao with charity and their schools, while the rest goes to savings. On her own initiative, Paige recalled that Bee once donated a bit of her personal money to the theatre company Wild Rice. 

From reading her article, I can sense that her fear is this: “We try to encourage self-motivation, not monetary rewards...But I often wonder, is it enough? We all know the universal adage of “the first generation makes the money, the second generation maintains it and the third generation squanders it.””

Paige added: “I want my girls to be driven, to follow their passions and to work very, very hard to feed their hearts and souls.”

Lesson? Mm...It is good to know that however rich you are, some families are grounded, practical and others-centered. 

Paige quoted former US president John F Kennedy who once reminded us of this scripture: “Of those to whom much is given, much is required.”

She then concluded: “Whether our children are living in a Housing Board flat or a condominium, there is someone out there living on less. Teaching our children to extend a hand and help another is of utmost importance - and a life skill not covered at school. Helping others earns us a better world and learning to do that starts at home.”

Alas, I guess the rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer, but those who are richer may be rich in wealth but poor in values, and vice versa. Of course, there are also those who are short on both ends of the stick, that is, poor in wealth and in values. Both do deep damage to their family, especially their children, and society at large. 

Before reading Paige’s article, I have to admit that I have my bias or presuppositions. I thought about the widow’s two mites. 

In Luke 21, it reads: “And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.”

Mm...between out of one’s abundance and out of one’s poverty, you can discern a person’s heart and true intention. 

But having read Paige’s thoughts and parenting style, I felt that I need to say this: it is not her fault that she is rich or has abundance. 

Most times, it is what we do with what we have (from a transformed heart) that truly enriches us. For the rich may grow richer, but at the same time, becomes poorer as a result. And the poor may be poorer and stays even poorer for reasons other than the lack of earthly possessions. 

The world measures one by his possessions and fame. But in Jesus’ observation of the rich and the poor widow, he looks at the heart.

You may say that between being rich and poor, who wouldn’t want to be rich? Isn’t that a no-brainer? 

Well, that is precisely the problem right? It is definitely a no-brainer, but it runs the risk of being a no-hearter too. 

I know of a couple who worked from ground up. Building up their businesses and moving from HDB to condo to two condos, with sports cars and all, but they still ended up in a lawyer’s office applying for divorce. Now, they can’t stand each other. 

One of them lamented and said this to me: “When we first started, we were so poor, but we were happy, and loved each other so deeply.”

So, have no delusions about riches, they change you. And have no delusions about poverty, they change you too. 

In the end, if your heart is changed by wealth for the worse, you are no better. Neither are you any richer.

And if your heart is changed by poverty for the worse, you will always be poor not because you have little, but because you will never be rich in Jesus’ observation even if one day, you would to come to overflowing material abundance.