It’s OK To Be Not OK.
That’s Asher’s message. Asher (means “Happy” in Hebrew) is a 32-yr-old social worker, married with one child.
He runs a charity known as Limitless. He founded it in 2016 to reach out to trouble young people. He said: “I knew there were youth out there struggling, but they wouldn’t seek help due to the stigma of seeking help or for fear of being ridiculed. So we have to go out to find them.”
Asher is featured today in the Generation Grit section by Theresa Tan because he is a fighter.
Mind you, it is a common foe that he fought against, or something we can identify with to some extent. Asher suffered from body dysmorphic disorder and “would obsess over perceived flaws in his appearance.”
He said: “I could spend three hours doing my hair. I would style it but hated how it looked. So I would wash it and do it all over again. It was an obsession. Popping my pimples was also an obsession.”
"When I looked into the mirror, I saw that my nose was not straight, my complexion was not good and I was too short... I felt that everything about me was not good enough and I could never measure up."
On top of that, that is, the insecurity and inferiority complex, Asher also lost his father at the age of eight. That hit him hard.
He recalled many fond memories with him. He remembered a time they were trekking up the Rocky Mountains in US. They heard something rustling at a distance and Asher said: -
“My dad thought it was a bear and told me to run. It turned out to be a very big porcupine and we had a good laugh...My dad was willing to lay down his life for me. He left a very big hole in my life after he passed away."
His dad was a Polytechnic lecturer who passed away of cancer. After that, he struggled in school.
He was bullied and he needed the help of a psychiatrist to manage his anger. Many times, he longed for his dad to be around.
Of his relationship with his mum, who ran a tuition centre, he said: “I was not an easy kid and she was not an easy mum. We both had our own eccentricities."
After his PSLE, Asher was posted to the Normal (Academic) stream. His self-esteem took a beating. He thought he was stupid, on top of being ugly.
The story of his life then took a nudge in the right direction when he topped the N levels and got into Business Management course at Nanyang Poly. Later, he earned a degree in social work at Monash University.
During his life journey, Asher suffered many panic attacks, felt inadequate, was bullied and teased, and he also battled depression. At one point, he even contemplated ending it all when he sat on a window ledge.
Asher said that his Christian faith gave him perspective and “kept him out of bad situations and stopped him from ending his life.”
This was where he founded Limitless in 2016 to reach out to troubled youth. He wanted to make mental health “a key focus” for Limitless.
Financially, Asher is living on his savings and his wife’s (Joanna’s) income as a senior dietitian. His take home from Limitless is less than $1000 and the charity depends on donations from various organisations like Tote Board and National Youth Council.
While Asher means happy, he admits that he still have feelings of inadequacy and depression has not left him. He concluded the interview with Theresa on this candid note: -
“My life is pretty okay right now. I like where I am. But the voices telling you that you suck never stop. You just learn how to drown them out so that it doesn't affect you. You learn how to cope."
Lesson? ...
My reflection on Asher’s journey guided me to many lessons of the heart. But one, in particular, that stood out is the loss of his father when he was only eight.
When his dad died of cancer, Asher said: "My dad was willing to lay down his life for me. He left a very big hole in my life after he passed away."
Last night, my son (17-yrs) and I had a fallout. It was more me actually. I reprimanded him for not tidying up the house. He fumed and kept quiet the whole night. He even vented it out on his mother.
But having said that, he did clean up the place, and when I thanked him, he walked away, still fuming. That’s understandable.
And if I could turn back the clock, I would have done it differently. I therefore planned a dining out tonight with the family to make up to him.
But my point is that to lose someone so dear is indeed likened to leaving behind a big hole in one’s life. It is especially so when he has been a firm anchor and stable ballast in your life.
Alas, the importance of fatherhood cannot be underestimated. As fathers, we stand in the gap for our son and daughter, and in our absence or neglect, their hearts struggle to fill the hole with things and activities that can never match up to the undying affection and presence of a father.
The laughter and joy shared between a father and his child strengthen the body and mind. The faith and trust the father has for his child expand his/her soul to reach out in courage and hope. And the love and sacrifices of a father generously fill the hole in the child’s heart.
As long as we as fathers have this sacred opportunity, we should never take it for granted. I learned the lesson the hard way by always stubbornly thinking that father knows best or knows better. Most times, I am as clueless as a father as my child.
I admit that I am willing to sacrifice myself for my child, but there is ironically a discernible disconnect between that profession and my daily, sometimes unconscious, actions. We just don’t show it enough to them for us fathers to affirm it in our words.
While Asher has sadly lost his dad, we who are still around ought never to squander away this opportunity to connect with our children. We should live intentionally and fight routine so that everyday with them is both a fresh experience and a chance to grow closer, and not apart.
So, thanks Asher (and Theresa) for this lesson, and I sincerely pray for Asher, that he will find his peace, rest and hope in His overcoming love. Amen.
Ps: Indeed, it is OK to be not OK as long as we as fathers learn from it - because we are only human.
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