How do you prepare your child for life, for society?

What advice do you give to your son? How do you prepare him for society, for life, for marriage and for being a dad? 

Today’s papers (by K.C. Vijayan) is about a son and his father. His father is Subhas Anandan. He was a tireless champion of pro bono work and president of the Association of Criminal Lawyers of Singapore. 

His most memorable cases included Anthony Ler (who murdered his wife in 2001), Took Leng How (who murdered an eight-year-old girl in 2004) and Leong Siew Chor (who killed his lover in 2005). 

Subhas passed away in 2015 at 67 and his legacy lived on in the hearts of many practitioners here. 

At that time, his son (Sujesh) was in his second year of law school (University of Nottingham) and he said, “Leaving my mother and me alone, that period was difficult.”

Sujesh has always wanted to work with his father, but his sudden demise took away that opportunity.

He is now working with his cousin, Sunil Sudheesan, doing largely criminal work, carrying his father’s legacy forward. No doubt, Sujesh has big shoes to fill. 

But having said that, Sujesh said that although his father wanted him to join him after law school, he wanted his son to chart his own path. 

In fact, Sujesh said: “Growing up, my father never put any sort of pressure on me to do law. He said, “You do whatever you want, just be a good person, that is important.”

Lesson? Just one. As a father with my own son, that is good advice. 

Needless to say, which father doesn’t want their children to be “a good person”. But, we should never take that as always a given. 

Some parenthood can wish for that, but take on a different pathway with their own conduct and speech. In other words, it is a case of doing more of what I say and less of what I do. 

Some parenthood is quite loaded pursued with divided messages. They do not hide their vicarious ambition for their children. They want them to strive to be up there in society, to get the best job and benchmark that by reminding them that wealth is a sure and only sign of success. 

With such success, they tell their kids that they will then earn the respect of their peers and society at large. They equate status and wealth with respect and affection. 

No doubt there is some truth to that, but there is also a certain shallowness and pretentiousness to that which prevents our children from living a life of authenticity, a life that they can take ownership and responsibility for. Most importantly, a life that would give them meaning beyond the endless pursuit of the glitters of this world. 

That is why Subhas’ advice to his son is a good reminder to us as parents to always keep our eyes on what is truly enduring and important for our children.

In the article, Vijayan reported that “in a 2014 interview with The Straits Times, when (Subhas) was struggling with heart and kidney disease, he said anybody could become a good lawyer with hard work.”

“But I want my son to be a good human being, not chasing after money all the time, and to show compassion to people less fortunate. I would have rather people say he’s a good man than he’s a good lawyer.”

I guess if my son is reading this now, I would like to tell him that being good at what he does is an achievement. And he should keep up the good work. 

But there is a difference with being efficient with one’s work and being a good person (although I don’t deny that often they do overlap). Nevertheless, the difference is played out more apparently in the different roles we take on in life. 

As a husband, being efficient is to be responsible, providing and planning for the family. But a marriage is more than that. It is more than just crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s. 

In many of the divorce cases, most husbands provided well for the family with their kids graduating from tertiary institutions.

A good husband however builds the relationship. He does not see the marriage as an obligation, but as a commitment. And he does not just see his role as an efficient provider, but a relationship builder. 

Ultimately, you can’t professionalize love or marriage, because a union of a lifetime goes beyond meeting quotas, instituting rules, delegating authority, and establishing lines of accountability. 

No doubt, such things have their place and time, but a good husband takes it up to the next level by making the effort to connect with his spouse. He makes sure that it is not just about a roof over her head, but a home where there is assurance, trust, hope and love. 

Likewise, at the workplace, my son should know that you can be hailed as an efficient corporate leader, but in getting to where you are, you leave a trail of broken lives, distrust and disillusionment, and the respect you receive is not because of the character you have demonstrated, but the fear and insecurity you have instilled (more like subservience than respect, to be honest). 

It is the same with religion, for when faith is professionalized, what you end up is a church which is obsessed with numerical and structural growth on the outside and less on growth within.

So, Subhas’ advice is worth repeating to our children. It is an advice that many take for granted. For the last thing we want for our sons and daughters is to encourage them to rush up the social ladder of life, and congratulate them when they reach the top only to find out that it has always been leaning on the wrong side of the wall. Cheerz.