Avoiding the success trap.

We tell ourselves that relationship matters, but are we convinced that it really does matter?

If you browse through Sunday Times, Life Family section, you will not miss an article written by Abel Ang, “Avoiding the success trap for a fuller life”.

He fired off with this question: “If the home I live in (Housing Board flat), the car I drive (Toyota Altis) and where I go for holidays (staycations) do not affect the quality of my life, how do I measure my life?”

Or, how about this - if living in a large mansion, driving expensive sport cars and investing in real estate abroad and travelling there to live in it do not affect the quality of my life, how do I then measure my life? 

Many living the first question tend to want to know the answer to the second question, because there is a certain form of restlessness and quiet desperation in our hearts that demands we do not stop at the first question. 

But where do we then draw the line? Where is the point where we look back in our life and tell ourselves - “Hey, am I happy? Am I satisfied? Will this be enough?” 

Mind you, this applies to the one attempting to answer both questions regardless of whether they are living in modest or exquisite circumstances. For the poor or the struggling by may just be as restless as the rich and thriving along. 

Ultimately, the question is indeed this: “how do I measure my life?” 

Because if you think about it, you can measure it one way (building relationships) without compromising the other way (pursuing your dreams). 

In other words, you can be thriving, in your element, being rich and emulated by many, and still flourish in your relationships, that is, those important ones like marriage, parent-child and friendships. 

Yet, here is something to pause for thought in Abel’s article. He quoted Professor Clayton Christensen who authored the book “How Will You Measure Your Life?” and this was his general observation as expressed by Abel: -

“The thesis is that successful people invest in things with tangible and visible short-term returns versus investing in things that take longer to show results.”

A varied strain of instant gratification in us?

He continued: “Investing in a job and career yields quicker and more visible results - better pay and promotions - compared with investing in family and relationships, where it takes years to see any discernible improvement or achievement.”

Here is Professor Christensen’s conclusion in the book: -

“After 25 years of observing the MBA graduating classes at Harvard Business School...In the early years post-graduation, alumni returns with the usual markers of success - large houses, abundant bank accounts and trophy spouses. In the later years, he saw a litany or broken relationships - divorces and estranged families.”

So, Professor Christensen summaries his general observation this way: -

“People who are driven to excel have this unconscious propensity to under-invest in their families and over-invest in their careers - even though intimate and loving relationships with their families are the most powerful and enduring source of happiness.”

This led Abel to conclude that “perhaps living a simple life, free from the trapping of success, will allow us to spend more time investing and developing intimate and loving relationships, as well as to contemplate how to live better lives.”

Lesson? Mm...perhaps. 

Perhaps contentment is an unsurpassed treasure, and anyone who has found it at the expense of a thousand desires has truly found a pearl of great value?

Alas, with the benefit of hindsight, a life’s vision of a perfect 20/20, we would all be like Socrates living a life of a nomadic educator, stripped of the extravagance of his time, searching for the ultimate meaning of life, and leaving a trail of people transformed by his exceptional wisdom. 

But Socrates did not exactly live a life of unbroken relationships. His relationship with his wife was distant and cold and he was rumoured to have a girlfriend whom he was enamoured with. 

In other words, he was not known to be a good husband and this quote by him expresses it well: “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”

Maybe in the marital department, Socrates had drawn the shorter end of the lottery stick?

My point is, we do not have perfect life’s vision, 20/20. At an age just after graduation, we are like a space shuttle packed to our ears with solid rocket launchers and propellants ready to start off in full blast. The sky (if not beyond) is indeed our limit. 

That celebrative and hungry start can land us anywhere. 

Some misfire and remain where they are. Some fire with gusto, floating for a season on air, but their fuel runs out and they return to earth, in perpetual discontent. Others make it through the earth’s stratosphere and got lost, just to discover that it is dead calm in outer space. 

Still others make it, did well in their life’s mission in the niche space they are pursuing, and returning home to loving, unbroken families. 

In the end, life and living do not exist in a social vacuum. Circumstances can change us. We can change us. Others can change us. 

The convergence of circumstances, we and others can all change us for better or for worse, or for a season, and then we return home like the prodigal son, reformed and changed. 

And others who may live a seemingly ordered, safe and compliant life, like the elder brother of the prodigal son, yet they never found peace in their hearts, never found anchored rest. 

If I had to give my son an advice after his graduation, it should be along these lines:-

“Yes son, be contented with what you have, but don’t be pretentious or cowardly to use it as an excuse for not pursuing your dreams. 

When you are young, do what you can with what you have without leaving your conscience behind. If anything, work on your conscience more than your pursuit so that you do not get lost and disillusioned in the wilderness of your own unmitigated appetites and desires. 

When you love, love wholeheartedly. Love unselfishly, even knowing that you may be deeply hurt. The reward of love is always growth, maturity and resilience. Sometimes, it is forgiveness and personal redemption. It is never a reward you extract just to benefit yourself. 

And if you let your conscience and love be your guide, you will always find many rest stops of self-reflection along your journey of realising your dreams. These rest stops are there as inflection points to nudge you to a place of resolute and authentic contentment, a place where the best version of yourself is put forward in every sincere endeavour you take.

And it is also a place where your relationships will always flourish because you do not lead a life of quiet (restless) desperation, but one of quiet resolution with a perspective to see beyond the earthly strife and endless pursuits. 

Once there, you will also realise the best measure of your life, and that is, a life not only of deep contentment and good conscience, but also one of enduring love.”