David is 39 and Susie is 53. They are married. They were both patients at IMH. David has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Susie suffers from depression and schizophrenia.
Their marriage is anything but normal. Most times, it is rocky.
Reported by Janice Tai, she wrote: “Every other night, the police would come knocking on their doors as David has a habit of calling police to tell them that he wants to kill himself when he is stressed.”
David has tried to take his life over many occasions. According to Janice, “the latest incident happened two months ago when he was warded at IMH - he used glass from a shattered light bulb to slash his wrist.”
Janice wrote that such incident was so common that Susie “would continue sleeping, watching television or reading a book.”
That’s not all.
Susie also has to deal with David’s substance abuse issues. Financially, they are already tight. But some of the money went to buy cough syrup and sleeping pills for David. Susie admits that she “finds it too stressful to stop him from abusing substances.”
Two years ago, some volunteers came to tidy their house and what they found were “almost empty packets of chicken rice...shoved under the bed and cockroaches scampered out when they were taken out to be thrown.”
They “filled four black garbage bags of trash after cleaning up the flat that day.”
And just last year, Susie had to take out a PPO against David. She used her PPO to have him locked up in a police cell for one night after he punched her.
In fact, David’s aggressive started as early as the wedding night when he beat her up because “they could not get a hotel room at short noice as all were fully booked.” David then “shoved Susie to the ground and trod all over her back.”
As a reminder of the PPO, they had even signed an agreement hung on the back of their door. The agreement reads: -
“I, David, will not take my dear wife’s belongings, especially her mobile phone, without permission. I will not harass her and shout at her. Otherwise, she will exercise her PPO against me.”
Susie said she ignored her family’s and friend’s objections to marry David. But Susie said that she was happy that he wanted to marry her. Up till today, Susie is still two minds about the marriage.
She said: “I do have some regrets about marrying him. I went through a lot of suffering and I would advise other couples against it. It will not work unless you have tremendous love and forgiveness.”
She also added: “But I also don’t have regrets most of the time as I am happy with him. He is a nice and funny guy.”
As for David, on the marriage, he said: “She is smart and educated, and I am able to converse and express my ideas with her.”
Lesson? What is there to say here?
They say (tongue-in-cheek) that love or marriage is temporary insanity, and I don’t think anyone of us - married couples - can say that our union is made in heaven, that is, smooth sailing all the way.
The wedding night may be heavenly, but a lot of things have to be ironed out on earth after that.
But, having said that, the union of Susie and David comes with many challenges, and I kind of understand why her family and friends would object to it.
“Love, they cautioned the couple, would not be able to sustain a marriage if both of them are struggling with their own private hell of debilitating mental illness.”
If love is always overcoming, then Susie and David have their marriage plate full when it comes to not only their mental illnesses, but also David’s suicidal tendencies, substance abuse and violence, and Susie’s depression and stress.
Is love really enough? And if love is a choice, and a choice made in one’s lucidity, what happens to love when one can no longer make it because he or she is no longer lucid?
Alas, while David has no friends (as reported), Susie has reconciled with some of her family members and goes to church. Her church mates help out, running errands for her, and checking up on her.
Here is what Susie said about the David: “He is my dream guy. Hip, modern and funny, and mad. But I just ignore the mad part.”
I smile when I read that. It’s a clever but ironic pun. A sober twist of words, said with a tinge of resignation and hope.
Indeed, when I read Susie’s story, I think about my own, I think about marriage as a whole.
How many of us readily jump into it as a form of rite of passage when our time comes? It is almost a cultural thing or trend when we come of age, complete our studies, enter the workforce, and then meet the girl or boy of our dream - if not earlier, with it running in parallel until we pop the question.
For some, we marry for the lamest or most romantic of reasons - “I like her hair”, “She makes me happy”, “He is funny”, “our love is out of this world”.
For others, it is an epic struggle between a few potentially attractive options. Still for others, it is a biological clock thingy and we tell ourselves we are not getting any younger - it’s either succession planning or bust!
Without fail, we front-load on the idealism of altar promises only to discover that we have to spend a lifetime adapting to (and for some struggling with) the realism of things at home.
They say we should look out for our soul mates out there. And there is always one walking around with our name on her or him, most times blissfully unaware of it.
But we often forget that when two soul mates come together, the mating is just the tip of the honeymoon iceberg. What lies below is still water running deep with lots of “I didn’t know she is like that?” or “Wait, is he serious about that?” or “What happen to the one I married?” or “How did I miss that about him or her?” or “Is there a refund policy?”
So, I return to the “mad” part of marriage. To some extent, there is method to the madness, and we learn to adapt and adjust while living together as husband and wife. At other times, there is more madness to the method, and couples sadly break up.
Personally, after twenty years of marriage, I can’t say that I have found the perfect mate twenty years ago. I believe there’s no perfect mate. They don’t come like an order you make online where they are fit not just for purpose of use, but of description, of quality check and of duration.
In a marriage, you will be naive to be looking for the perfect state of things. There is no perfect things, just perfecting.
There is no perfect person, but just perfect effort. And perfect effort from a human perspective is to always strive to give your best to her or him, to remain faithful to the first promise you make, to put love first and not personal ambition and vanity, and to not be rocked by disappointments when they come but to learn to let go and use it to build the rock of your marriage. That, to me, is as perfect as it comes this side of heaven.
All this may sound idealistic, but it is never my intention to disavow idealism. My aim has always been to work with idealism and bring out the best result in a union of a lifetime when idealism meets reality. Cheerz.
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