What sparks joy in your life?

It takes so little to be joyful, why then does it take so much to experience it? Why is it a struggle?

Let me share with you what senior consultant Dr Mok Yee Ming (of IMH) has to say about joy in his article, “What sparks joy in your life?”

He first defines it. “The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes it as the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. It is also defined as a state of happiness.”

Mm...prospect of possessing what one desires. That seems to be the key. Seems simple enuff. In a nutshell, well-being or joy comes from getting what you want. 

But what if you do not get what you want? What if getting what you want eludes you throughout your life, and what you get is what you have, no more and no less? 

If possessing what you desire is joy, what if you possess what you think you do not desire, thereby falling short of what you want, is that the opposite of joy, erm, like resentment? Envy? Disillusionment? Disappointment? 

Where is the spark of joy in that life? 

Well, Yee Ming said that he is inspired by the writings of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist who was interned in the Nazi concentration camps during WWII. 

Viktor lost his mother, brother and wife in the camps. He had nothing that he wanted or desired while trying his best to survive in a place that was hellbent to break him to pieces and drain his soul of the desire to live on.

Yet, Dr Frankl wrote the momumental book “Man’s Search For Meaning” and his conclusion is this: “people are primarily driven by a “striving to find meaning in one’s life.””

Yee Ming wrote: “He felt that even in the most absurd, painful and dehumanised situations, life has potential meaning. I cannot even imagine the pain he must have felt upon losing his loved ones and the suffering he had undergone. But in the midst of all this, he was still able to find meaning in life. Life was still precious to him.”

Lesson? Just one. 

Yee Ming wrote about the alt-national anthem we Singaporeans often sing to after graduation, that is, the 5Cs - cash, credit cards, condo, car and country club membership. 

We know them by heart. We drill them into our soul from the get-go when we are released into the workplace. Those 5Cs are the trappings or symbols of success in our 1st World Economy. No one who is successful in the world’s eyes can do without them. 

But Yee Ming noted that we are no more happy with the 5Cs than we are without them, or without some of them. He wrote: “Regardless of how rich or poor you are, you stand an equal chance of developing depression.”

Maybe, the secret of a joyful person is not so much about possessing what you desire, but to be desired for who you are, that is, to be loved unconditionally, and in return, to desire that which is an end in itself. By this, I mean the pursuit not of things but virtues, not fame but personal growth, and not riches but relationship. 

On this, Yee Ming has this timeless advice: -

“It is about looking after yourself, taking time to make sure you have sufficient rest and exercise and taking time to challenge yourself in learning new skills and hobbies.

It is about relationships, being with family and making and maintaining a good circle of friends. It is about looking beyond your own needs, counting your blessings and helping others, especially those who are in need.”

None of the 5Cs featured prominently in that advice. Now, no doubt, we wish our children well as they go out to the labour force to make a living for themselves. 

We wish that they will excel in the things they do, earn a good income and be recognised for what they do. Along the way, we want them to flourish, and that also means prospering at their own time. 

Yet, as parents, this is what ultimately counts...when your child is tired, when the tides of the world toss and turn relentlessly, and they will, and when storms come to disrupt their little soul, you want them to return to where it counts the most, that is, a place of contentment, rest and peace, a place of unconditional love. That is home. 

A home is where his or her little heart will always find the anchorage and refuge they need to re-calibrate, restore and recharge, even re-purpose. 

We as parents must remind them that they are given only one life to make it count. In this life, there will inevitably be mistakes, detours and falls. What would a life of growth and resilience be without them right? 

But, as they learn to pick themselves up, change their thinking, perspective and ways, we wish for them to pursue things that count, things that last lifetimes, and they are the things Yee Ming talks about, that is, taking good care of oneself, having a good rest, learning new skills, loving family, good circle of friends, counting one’s blessings and helping others. 

In the end, it is about doing one’s best and never forget what matters in life. For in the rough seas out there, always look for the lighthouse, where the safe harbour is for one’s soul, which is never far. 

Let me leave you with this verse written four thousand years ago.

“Fill your bowl to the brim

And it will spill.

Keep sharpening your knife

And it will blunt.

Chase after money and security

And your heart will never unclench.

Care about people’s approval

And you will be their prisoner.

Do you work, then step back

The only path to serenity.”

(Tao Te Ching).