Come to terms with death: Suicide rate in Singapore.

Is it true? As Albert Camus puts it, “Come to terms with death. Thereafter anything is possible.” Can we come to terms with death?

I can imagine our mortal bargain with death. Life and death in a constant struggle to negotiate for a better deal. But what happens when the negotiation breaks down? What if it comes to a deadlock? 

The papers report this: “Record 19 teenage boys committed suicide last year”. They age 10 to 19. It is the highest since records began in 1991. 

As for the total number of suicide, last year’s number of 397 was fewer than in 2016, when the numbers were 429. 

Narrowing down to the young, between 10 and 29, the number was 94. And “for every 10 young people who died from external causes, about six were a result of suicide.”

SOS senior assistant director, Ms Wong Lai Chun, said: “When teens have yet to develop adequate coping mechanisms and there is a lack of awareness of the different stressors this may lead youths to feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.”

Lesson? Just one, and it comes unbridled in these words - “Toxic Musculinity”. That was one of the causes of suicide. 

It reports: “Societal stereotypes that demand men be tough could be one of the barriers preventing male teenagers from seeking help. For every 10 suicides last year, seven were by males.”

Ms Wong said: “Men are stereotypically expected to be tough, stoic, and financially stable. The slightest hint of vulnerability can be seen as an imperfection. This has to change. Men and women alike need to know that it is okay to be less than perfect and we need to educate the public to understand that a supportive and encouraging environment is far more beneficial than a judgmental one.”

Is it okay to be less than perfect in the society we live in? What is the expectations of a man (or a young man) in a world like ours where we measure them not by time, but grades, not by hope but total net worth, and not by faith, but on evidence that must be readily seen and heard in public. 

I always believe that manhood is about being open and vulnerable, and channeling that virtuous brokenness into achieving a deeper understanding of oneself and others so that one can be a more effective and enduring witness when confronting life’s challenges, even in the face of suicide.

But the society has other plans, and the current rise in suicide rates amongst young men may be a symptom of such plans unravelling. Let me elaborate. 

Some time back, I read a book “Invisible Men - Men’s Inner Lives and The Consequences of Silence” by author Michael E. Addis, and he offered this observation into the modern man’s psyche: -

“The bottom line is that a man’s musculinity is measured in large part by his ability to make his public accomplishments widely seen and heard, while keeping his inner life silent and invisible.”

He identified three types of silence. 

First, personal silence - “this is the sort of silence that occurs when a man himself does not even know that he is in pain.” He has a word for it, “alexithymia” translated as “without words for moods”.

Second, private silence - “it is about knowing what is going on but choosing to keep it private...and private silence can become a problem when it is not a choice but a default setting that rarely if ever changes.”

Third, public silence - the author wrote: “Adolescence is a time characterised, among other things, by huge waves of public silencing in boys’ lives. Public silence occurs when people in your environment let you know, in one way of another, that they do not want to hear your vulnerability.” 

“This can happen in ways that range from the subtle (changing the topic) to flat out in your face (“Dude, I don’t know what you’re whining about, everybody’s got problem. Suck it up and move on”).”

Which silence do you suffer from? Pick your poison pls. 

Alas, is the ghost of Nietzsche’s Übermensch (German for "Beyond-Man", "Superman", "Superhuman" or "Hyperhuman”) taking roots in our male psyche? Have we turned manhood into supermanhood? Is invulnerability the new vulnerability? 

This takes me back to the subject I first started with, and I always wonder, what drives a man, a young man, to end his life? 

It is no doubt true that women are twice as likely to attempt suicide, but mind you, men are four times as likely to be successful at it. 

This is sadly our inner resolve as men because, I believe, our silence has become unbearable. It is so loud that our soul can find no peace, no closure, or an anchorage of acceptance in a society that has benchmarked itself (quite relentlessly) against the market-driven traits of Nietzsche’s superhuman. 

We have thus lost our voice because in a society of grossly unequal status and standing, where material acquisition rules, the many men left behind are silenced by a dreaded form of learned helplessness, or the futility of hope. This turns our manhood into one of domination and competition to overcompensate, and what is patient nurturance has become contemptuous discrimination. 

Is there hope in our society then?

As Ms Wong puts it, “Men are stereotypically expected to be tough, stoic, and financially stable. The slightest hint of vulnerability can be seen as an imperfection.” Have we men then made enmity with our manhood, by seeing vulnerability as a form of weakness, or worse, imperfection that cannot be tolerated? 

Alas, maybe the step in the right direction is a pause in our step and see how high we have climbed the Babelian tower of our own enthronement, and then look at all the lives that have been left behind, all the young men who are struggling with a deafening silence they see no hope of breaking out from. 

From there, wherever we are, we have to return their voice. The society has to give back their voice. 

It is a voice that breaks the silence, a voice that collectively restores manhood, and put it back in its rightful place, that is, a place where every men is encouraged and empowered not by an eternal pursuit to fill a void, but an innermost worth beyond the measure of this world to close the gap.