Ravi Zacharias - Where do I go from here?

 

I won’t lie. I am struggling with the news yesterday. I was stunned for a while. Foe me, that is surprising since I had prepped myself up all my life for it. I have even written about it, fallen myself, and yet, I still can’t wrap my head and heart around it. 

This is the news on CNY first day: The great apologist Ravi Zacharia (who passed on in May last year) had been investigated posthumously for sexual misconduct, an investigation commissioned by his own ministry helmed by his beloved daughter. And he had been found wanting, to put it mildly. 

Alas, what would Christ say to Ravi then, “Welcome into my eternal rest, my good and faithful servant?” 

More than ten years ago, I held in my hand a book entitled ”Can Man Live Without God?” (by Ravi himself). I devoured that book, highlighted, dog-eared and quoted the book excitedly in my cell group. His style of writing, though highly academic, was indeed living wellspring to my unsettled heart looking for unshakable faith in a world of fallen souls, including myself. 

(I even purchased the book and gave it to my elder brother, who was then an atheist, a staunch one. He still is, and I guess that book, in the light of the dark revelations of Ravi’s carefully concealed private life, has lost a significant lustre in convincing my brother that he is not like the rest who have fallen. Alas, he is no exception, and I should have known better).  

Anyway, yesterday, I read it, highlighted it, that is, the “Report of Independent Investigation into Sexual Misconduct of Ravi Zacharias” dated 9 February 2021 written by Lynsey M. Barron, Esq, and William P. Eiselstein, Esq, from Miller & Martin PLLC. And I was ashen in reaction, thinking how a defender of faith, and such a sagely one, with voice and sincerity that have melted hearts, could fail so shockingly to defend his own virtues and marital oath to God and man. 

Yes, I know we serve Jesus. He is our unshakable anchor. Misplaced faith thus pays a heavy price. I have asked for it. Indeed, I should have known better. I should have seen it coming. But I have not. Sorry, I have not. Woe to me then. 

Ravi was someone I looked up to. His faith bolstered my faith. I felt then we were connected by our common hope, an eternal hope. 

At this point, I recalled a little girl kneeling by her bedside, and her father came in and asked her what she was praying about. She said that she is praying for a God with more skin so that she could see and touch him.

Similarly, Ravi was someone with skin to me, and for a long long time, I admit that he stood as a proxy of my faith with God. Whenever I felt a hole in my faith, I remember his writings, including C.S. Lewis and Tim Keller, for example, and I comforted myself, muttering under my breath that I had someone who had gone before me, with legs and heart firmly grounded, unshakeable. Silly right? 

Anyway, Ravi’s life and writings shone a light on my cobblestone pathway. It was a journey for me to be more like Christ and Ravi went before me. In his ministry, he had made an impact, and I always wanted to follow some of the steps he had taken because I believed they were the same steps our Saviour had taken in His road to Calvary. But alas, Ravi, according to the report, made many detours in that shared journey,, and as I read them, I was crestfallen.

There were in fact many allegations made. And one of my loved ones who read it yesterday squirmed, and remarked: “He gave me the impression of a dirty old man.” 

Well, having read it myself, I shared her sentiment. Mind you, it is not about Ravi being a “silent investor” of two spas (ironically named “Touch of Eden” and the other “Jivian Wellness” - Jivan is of Hindi origin and it means “life”). It is not about him taking time away for massage treatments since he did have significant back problems. It is not even about him always starting his massages “completely naked” and “almost always (having) an erection”.

It is however about his multiple indecent touches, “rubbing them inappropriately”, and “his request to masturbate him.” One account had him talking to a woman “about her career plans and efforts to improve her financial situation” while massaging her breast. 

He had also offered them financial support (from ministry funds), paying for culinary tuitions and supporting them on a monthly basis, even settling large debts, in return for secret friendship, physical intimacy and sexual gratifications. It reports that “only one of the witnesses...said Mr Zacharias engaged in sexual intercourse. (And) this witness reported details of many encounters over a period of years that she described as rape.”

It is also about how he did it, over the hidden-away years. That was something that gripped my heart. But his MO is quite typical. He always made his young victims think of him as a “father-figure”. According to (a) witness, "Mr Zacharias used religious expressions to gain compliance as she was raised to be a person of faith. She reported that he made her pray with him to thank God for the “opportunity” they both received. She said he called her his “reward” for living a life of service to God.””

And Ravi acted like any leader desperate to burnish and protect his clean image would, that is, he treated those who dared to talk to him about some questionable practices with extreme prejudice. 

“A high-level RZIM staff member expressed concerns to Mr Zacharias about it and encouraged him to stop travelling with her (his personal messeuse). In response, Mr Zacharias grew angry and barely spoken to this staff member for a long period of time. He was effectively “sent to Siberia,” as another staff member recalled. Their relationship ship never fully recovered.””

Ravi even called his critics “nasty people” and “lunatics” who were engaged in “satanic-type” slander and falsehood. In his ironclad denial, Ravi declared: “In my 45 years of marriage to Margie, I have never engaged in any inappropriate behavior marriage of any kind.” 

While all the allegations from the victims can be challenged under cross-examination, what kept me dumbfounded for sometime were the photographs in 4 of his phones they managed to recover. It was from his own communication devices, kept by him, with carnal-fueled requests written by him. That is pretty damning. How do you then cross-examine yourself and then stubbornly maintaining a wall of self-denial? No court of self could ever be impartial to self, right? 

The investigation found photos and communication that simply defied "characterization as innocent”. There were “200 photographs of women much younger than him.” One set contained “nudes images of a young Malaysian salon employee” dated as early as August 20, 2017. FYI, he passed on in May 2020. According to the report, the “photographs grew increasingly more suggestive, culminating in two photographs showing her bare breasts dated October 27, 2018, and a video of her fully naked and touching herself dated January 8, 2019.” 

Two women said that Ravi asked for their nude photos, but they refused. 

Some of the messages were also deeply disturbing. They were also incriminating. Mind you, from his own hands, he typed them. From his own heart, he put desires into words, lust into action.

In one case, he purchased a necklace for a woman living in Seoul, and told her he wished to put it around her neck personally. He wrote: “May I say to you- you are beautiful. Just so beautiful...I cannot help but miss you even more, after seeing your picture. It brings a tear of longing in my eyes. Longing to see you again.”

In another hand-typed message, he used pet names to address a massage therapist, such as “sweetheart”, “baby”, “darling”, “angel”, “my precious little girl”, and “honey”. He told her this: “I know more than ever that you have become the love of my life. I’m waiting to hold you close to my heart again. Please be safe my angel. I Love you and goodnight from here.” He told her to keep him “as the only one in (his) heart" and said, "I love you my dearest xxxxxxx.”

In yet another bout of messaging to his victim, Ravi wrote that he loved the way she smiles, laughs, the way she loves, her work, her heart, her skills. And she responded: “I love you and kiss you everywhere xxxxxx.”

In the 12-page report, this was the brief conclusion: “...we are confident that we uncovered sufficient evidence to conclude that Mr Zacharias engaged in sexual misconduct.”

When I read that conclusion, I felt a certain numbness in my already weary, jaded faith. I wondered how he could pen every good word defending the faith so convincingly while penning words that defaces it with equal damning effect. I also wondered how he was able to deal with facing the world of mostly eager young students looking for an elderly anchorage of faith to plant theirs and the numerous private sessions he had with young girls mostly from impoverished backgrounds struggling to satisfy his desires for sexual gratifications. One victim even said (and I paraphrase) that she is a nobody, who would then believe her words against the eloquence of a giant of the faith. 

Yes, I know we are all fallen. We are only human. Even King David had committed adultery and conspired to murder. I hear you. But mind you, he repented. David was at first clueless about Prophet Nathan's accusations, but finally cried out in remorse and accepted the very dear price he had to pay - which he did. For didn’t the scripture read: “David burned with anger against the man. “I solemnly swear, as the Lord lives,” he said to Nathan, “the man who did this certainly deserves to die! And he must pay back four times the price of the lamb because he did this and had no pity””?

Alas, Ravi had lived his life. He had made his choices, choices to live for God, and choices to die with so much unsettled questions left unanswered. Usually, when a man (or woman) of faith, like Billy Graham, leaves this world, he (or she) carries with them a candle, so that even in their absence we can still feel the warm of their testimony and the light that guides us. 

But, with a broken faith, I can’t say the same with Ravi Zacharias, at least not at this moment, even though he was the one who had written many books I secretly go to every now and then to find a small estate of uncharted territory to stand on as I cling on to faith and hope in the many storms of disappointments.  

Ravi had in living taught me many lessons about growing strong in the faith, and looking straight into the eyes of an atheist, telling them that my faith is worth defending because there are still genuine leaders out there who had lived a life of integrity, honesty and overcoming (And there are undeniably many who have died with their faith intact).

Personally, I still believe that, or want to believe that, but it just gets so much harder with a life that has given me so much cause to hold on, and yet, at the same time, so much cause to put it down in serious quiet reflection.

Let me end with the words of Ted Roberts in his book, “Pure Desire: How one man’s triumph can help others break free from sexual temptation.”

“God doesn’t bring us into a time of testing in order for Him to see what’s in our hearts. He already knows that better than we do! The trials are for us to discover what’s in our hearts. God set up the trial so we can discover that we can make it.”

We are forgetting that a man, leader or otherwise, goes through many trials in his brief life. Some trials are very public. And before a crowd of witnesses, he often comes up shinning. He then becomes a city on the hill, for all to see, for all to marvel.  

There are also some trials (if not just one) that are hidden. They are hidden for a reason. They are hidden so that we don't need to give an account of them. And they are hidden so that he who diligently hides them can garner the strength to go through trials that are more visible to the public eye. 

From Ravi, quite ironically, I have learnt that faith is therefore not about winning public trials just so that we can hide (or indulge in) private ones. One can never be a means to the other in the same way that one cannot serve two masters. Stop deceiving ourselves!

If we as believers are really serious about our faith, and desire to set the example for people who look up to us (with skin) for hope (like I had looked up to Ravi for anchorage), then don’t ever boast about coming out - like gold - in trials we secretly desire people to see and then wallow in our own private trials that we do not want anyone, not even our loved ones, or especially our loved ones, to see. 

If you want to boast in public, then settle first your own private, signature sin you have endearingly kept in the private chambers of your heart. For some demons are jealously preserved by us so that we can continue projecting an "overcoming" image many hope to emulate. The attention we get is often the fuel we need to nurture our darkest fantasies. But the insatiable appetite for popularity often backfires, even if the seeds we plant bear a bountiful harvest. 

For that is the worst kind of deception, a deception that betrays not only our faith and the faith of our loved ones, but our God to whom we declare publicly we have nothing to hide.

What does a pastor pray about?

I always wonder, what does a pastor pray about? What does he confess or admit to when he’s on his knees? What captures his heart?

Here I can expect the usual proclamations of faith, hope and love. I can expect the "Hallelujah!" and the "Thank you Lord!". I can also expect him to end every prayer with promises of victory, overcoming and the eternal hope.

But given all that, what other things would the pastor say to God? What other convictions would he share in the privacy of his own space?

Now, I am aware of the raw reality of pastoral ministry. I know that a pastor deals with people and with it comes people issues. These issues concern the matters of the heart and the human heart is above all deceitful and filled with hatred, envy, lust, greed, pain and sorrow. Mind you, the suffering of the people - their disappointment and disillusionment - is just as real as the love, peace and joy of the faith. When faith meets suffering, the gap in understanding often time overwhelms the pastoral heart.

So, what would a pastor tell God about his struggles when confronting with that which he does not understand? Will he be candid with his Savior, even argumentative? Will he let it out in protest? Will he allow his feelings, even honest and untempered ones, to be ventilated in full?

If the pastor would to put aside the proclamation that everything will eventually work out in the end, that oft-cited Romans 8:28 verse, what is his deep heart cry to the Lord concerning the unbridgeable chasm between human pain and human understanding? Will he admit to God that the mystery of evil and suffering is more than he can bear? Will he be open to having faith in a loving God, all knowing and all powerful, and at the same time, having doubts provoked by the inexplicable gratuitous suffering in this world that happens unceasing, unheeded, and unmitigated?

In other words, what would his lamentations be? Will he cry out to God to be more proactive, more involved? Or will he blame himself for being the one who stands in the way, for not believing enough?

If so, how would he then approach the subject of unanswered prayers? How would he deal with the issue of the seemingly capriciousness (or arbitrariness) of God in answering prayers with one healed instantly, another delayed, others forestalled with different outcome altogether, and still others bypassed and forgotten?

How does a pastor deal with uncharacteristic faithlessness in prayer? What emotions would a pastor attach to the vexing conundrums of faith? Or instead, will he - in the middle of their confession - rebuke, purge and cast that wimpy, spineless spirit of doubt into the darkest abyss of purgatory? Will a pastor treat doubt with a pair of toxic gloves?

And what would he tell God about the advancement of science that is attempting quite arrogantly to explain his Creator away and luring our millennial generation towards the slippery slope of humanism, atheism and agnosticism? Will he cry out for immediate divine intervention – something akin to the worldwide Noah-like floodgates of miracles - that would stun all into awe, repentance and redemption? Will such a plea be answered anyway?

What then should a pastor do with a postmodern world so convinced about their knowledge that God is a figment of one’s imagination, and driven into thinking that all beliefs are relativistic, that is, what works for you may not work for me – so stop imposing your belief on ours? And in a world where homosexual and heterosexual couples are walking down the aisle towards a sacred marital union under the legally-endorsed reason of equality, adult consent and love, what is a pastor to do and say in his daily prayers to God?

Or should the pastor be grateful to God for all the blessings that he, his family and his church have received, and make passing mention of the unmentionables that are happening outside of his church, with the closing prayer dedicated to the familiar assurances about persisting in the faith, casting our hope always on the second coming, and overcoming it all with patience, charity and thanksgiving?  

Alas, I guess I will never know what the confession, lamentations and petitions of a pastor are since they are all done in private. I may even be too presumptuous to write what I have written here. God knows a pastor’s heart is already burdened enough with the daily cares and administration of the ministry.

But whatever they are, I trust the pastor is discerning enough to deal with some of the issues I have raised here as I can't imagine him sidestepping them in his prayers on the belief that all things will just work themselves out eventually according to His sovereign plan.   

  

There is no doubt empowering truth in Romans 8:28, but at times, I believe the flock are not looking for answers in their most pressing hour of need. They are not looking for 5 steps to faith-building or 10 steps to salvational assurances. Neither are they looking for a magical eradicator to remove all doubts. Absolute certainty is reserved for omniscience for it is said that “he can neither believe, nor be comfortable in his unbelief; and he is too honest and courageous not to try to do one or the other.” (Herman Melville, author of Moby Dick).

And by extension, are we then in self-delusion or timorous of our true feeling when we insist that the glass on this side of heaven is already full, and we thus see all things with untainted clarity? For this reason, and this reason alone, it scares me to the innermost when a megachurch pastor stands before the crowd to tell them with absolute certainty that God only has one plan for them, and that is, to see to their own prosperity, materially and unconditionally.

Alas, the reality is, many of the mystery of faith has no answers and the attempts to burnish faith with pre-canned answers only deepen the desperation when one is searching for the inscrutable truth.

Here, I recall what the Trappist monk Thomas Merton once said, “faith is a decision, a judgment that is fully and deliberately taken in the light of a truth that cannot be proven – it is not merely the acceptance of a decision that has been made by somebody else.”

And in the face of our own imminent mortality, or when confronting a silent God, we as sheep on the narrow path may just be looking for a hint of the broken humanity that our shepherds may share with us as we journey in our search for an interim sense of enduring comfort to fill the void of understanding within before the perfect comes. Cheerz.

* image taken from "pexels."

Son, this is why I still believe.

Son, one day you will have doubts. You will think twice about your faith, your belief. You will be tempted to put it aside for the assurance of human reason and for the certainty of scientific demonstration. You will look at the world around you and ask, “But that’s all there is right? What’s more than this?” You will be tempted to believe that man has the answer, they know what they are doing. You will ask yourself, “Isn’t science the new coda of hope, secularism the trusted redemption for mankind, and materialism the only measure of reality?”

If you do, I do not blame you son. Your doubts are natural. Your questionings are just you trying to be you and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I dare say even your frustration towards the silence of omnipotence in the midst of mindless sufferings and prevalent evil is readily understandable. So, don’t fight it.

Don’t let the fanatics tell you otherwise. Don’t let them pigeonhole you. Don’t let them corner you with their spiritualized featherweight thinking. Trust me, it’s for your own good that you question, you tear things apart and you explore deeper even at the risk of losing your way sometimes.

Son, it is not the losing-your-way that you should be afraid of. It is being cocksure about all things that should terrify you. The last thing your dad wants you to be is an unthinking person, that is, someone who accepts things as they are without any serious reflection. Or someone who flows with the moonshine of religiosity and ritualistic hypocrisy.

The bottom-line is this, always resist the gravitational pull to end up being a digit in the chart, a dot in the crowd or a leaf being tossed and turned in a mindless tide. God didn’t make you that way just so that you end up being turned into an empty depository of someone else’s religious propaganda.

At this point, you may stop me there and ask, “Didn’t you just mention God in that sentence, dad?” Isn’t that confirmation bias there? Are you preaching to me? Yes, I did son. I did mention God because your dad still believes in God. But no, I am not preaching to you – God knows I myself need preaching to sometimes. That’s definitely not my intention. But I guess the bias is palpable. You’re my son after all.

But putting preaching and bias aside, let me remind you that in your life, you are not without people of great faith readily available for you. They would definitely do a better job than me telling you about their faith, their deeds and their hope in God. Your grandfather is a pastor, a master explicator of the gospel, a humble servant of the Most High. Your grandmother faithfully leads in the way of the Lord, living up to the high calling of her Savior. And your uncles and aunts are all more than capable to tell you why they believe and how it has changed their life.

If you want to know the deeper things of the gospel, the wondrous transformation their eyes have behold, and the beginning and the end of time, you can do no better than to look to them for guidance and inspiration.

In that case, are you being pretentious dad? Are you guilty of early childhood indoctrination?

Well, son, no man is an island. Neither is the man’s son (an island on his own). You are no doubt brought up in a Christian home with Christian teachings all around you. Bible stories are a staple here. We go to Church every Sunday. We pray for you, for your health, and your exams. We even say grace together. So, some observers may say that early childhood indoctrination is a euphemism here for demanding that you conform – at least that’s the impression.

But having somehow indicted myself there, I would still have to be honest with you and tell you why I believe. As you should be aware by now, daddy never forces you to believe – our upbringing and environment notwithstanding. I don’t know about your mother, bless her darling heart (whom I love dearly), but daddy always keeps religion away from you as best as he knows how. He just doesn’t believe in borrowed beliefs.

Son, you have to own it, that is, your beliefs. It has to come from you. What you choose from conviction stays with you, but what is forced upon you by indoctrination oppresses you. It becomes borrowed beliefs.

To be honest, I do not force you to believe because I am not too sure myself of so many things happening and not happening in this world. Here is just a sample of my laundry list of doubts:-

Why is there suffering under the watchful eye of a loving God? Why does evil seem to reign and good seem to suffer? Why is hope so darn evasive and delusional at times? Why does science seem to make more sense than the Bible? Why is God silent when he should be talking and talking over the pulpit when he should be acting and acting in one way when he should be acting in another? Why do preachers who claim to represent God act and live their life as if they are only representing themselves and no one else? And why is death so painful and living so hard at times?

You see son, I can’t present you with the perfect answers for all those questions, which you will inevitably ask in due course if you take my advice seriously to be a thinking person, and not blindly following the crowd.

But let me end with why I still believe and here’s the irony. Daddy still believes in the very same way that he still doubts, that is, his belief arises very much from ignorance as he is somehow certain. His mind just doesn’t comprehend, and for him, your daddy, this tug of doubt/faith war is always ongoing. Ultimately, faith wins but not without some doubts occasionally being thrown into the inflammatory mix.

The fact is that the weight of consideration that tilts the balance in favour of faith is the grace of Calvary. It is Calvary that befuddles daddy’s mind completely and this bewilderment paradoxically points me to believe. Earlier, daddy had his laundry list of doubts. Here is his laundry list of faith or bewilderment:-

Why would Jesus even bother? Why would He suffer unspeakably for a death so unbefitting of Him? Why didn’t He come as a king and turn the world over to Himself without all that fuss, all that pain, all that humiliation? Why does He even want to do it in such a grotesque manner when He could just perform some magic tricks in the sky once in a while to convert the world en masse? Who is this man who claims He is God and who was so “self-assured” about His teachings about being the way, the truth and the life?

Well son, likewise I do not have the perfect answers for all that. However, daddy has this theory that God may just have all the answers. But He had deliberately withheld most of them because He believes that actions speak louder than words, or in this case, questions speak louder than answers. So, not surprisingly, those questions led daddy to probe further and he realized that the grace of Calvary speaks for itself.

Son, I urge you to put aside the Godhood of Jesus, and judge him as a man with the same struggles as other men. He was as fragile and vulnerable as them. He was as distressed and scared as them. He was as helpless and broken as them. Yet, He never back away from what He was called to do. He met all challenges to the end.  He had his moments of weakness but He turned them into pivots of strength because He was driven by a love that this world cannot comprehend. In other words, He embodied this love with his selfless sacrifice even to his death.

Of course, you may say that many before and after Jesus had given their life for love, and some of them even did it in ways most unspeakable. But son, when I said about the grace of Calvary, this is what I mean. Jesus did not just offer Himself at Calvary. He did it in a way that you cannot simply dismiss it as just another love story or self-sacrificial fable. He did not do it to be a hero or for some front-page cover story of some sort. He did it as a Savior, as an answer to all our existential questionings, torments and yearnings.

Here is a man who had led an exemplary life, He broke all tradition of his day to teach, share and eat with social outcasts, lepers, prostitutes, the poor and the downtrodden. He taught in a way that stunned and transformed the crowd, even His enemies were brought to begrudging admiration, He lived with an astonishing faithfulness to the call of obedience, and He denounced all earthly titles, riches and attention to be a servant to all for the sake of telling us that there is in fact another way to living our life that will never disappoint, that is, a way of meaning and purpose that is completely contrary to what the world has to offer.

CS Lewis once wrote this, “Others said, “This is the truth about the universe. This is the way you ought to go.” He said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.” He said, “No man can reach absolute reality except through me. Try to retain your own life, and you will be inevitably ruined. Give yourself away, and you will be saved…Finally, do not be afraid. I have overcome the whole universe.””

Jesus' intention was never to be king, ruler and lord of the world. His kingdom is thankfully not of this world. His kingship is to reign in our hearts. And trust me son, if you want real, enduring change, don’t look elsewhere for inspiration, impetus or instructions. Look within. Look into your heart. If the heart is not moved son, the world can move for all I care, the man will not be transformed. Never.

And Jesus knew that, He knew it intimately. He died to show us the way. He knew that our heart is not beyond redemption. He knew that nothing can satisfy the heart, neither perfect theory nor perfect logic. Only perfect love can transform because love never fails. This may sound mushy to you, but trust me, as a 46-year-old married man with children and a throbbing sense of disillusionment about the many utopian-like theories of man, I have learned not to resist that power of love. I have learned to allow it to overcome me.

Son, have you not heard that no one knows what the heart of a bad man is like, but one knows with absolute certainty what the heart of a good man is like and it is terrible? (so said Ivan Turgenev). And a Russian Nobel Laureate (Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn) added: “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds; and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”

Look around you son. Look at the world as it stands today. Evil is not someone with red overall skin, a pitchfork and a serpentine tail. At the risk of being politically incorrect, evil is a man who wants to change the world for good only to discover what he had always wanted all along, that is, to change it for himself, and himself only. And with that self-serving drive, that nefarious scheme, he employs the best of rhetorical persuasions to justify the worst of theatrical decimation.

That is why Jesus is so different my dear. In living, He demonstrated a love that is out of this world. In teaching, He inverted traditions, customs and the culture of His time. In leading, He led by example, serving others, pursuing justice, inspiring the poor, healing and feeding the masses, and proclaiming a freedom that no theory of man can ever hope to liberate. And in His death, He promised hope, offered forgiveness, loved without end, and extended an invitation to all regardless of race, culture or creed.

Son, the grace of Calvary is neither a sale pitch, a presidential address nor a spectacle with floodlights and pyrotechnics in the sky to shock and awe. No son. The grace of Calvary is about an unassuming life exemplified that spares not a thought for Himself to embrace a calling that gives all of Himself to those He loved unconditionally.

So, that is why daddy believes. He sees no other way. He sees it as the only fulfillment that is beyond the promises of this world. The grace of Calvary talks about a contentment that this world cannot offer.

Is this then the perfect evidence for the existence of God?  No son. It is not. I can’t say it is. But for daddy, it is the best evidence of the sacrifice of love from a man who once roamed this earth, who once led a rebellion of the heart, who once turned the authorities inside out, who once rejected what the world has to offer, who once promised us that a certain eternity awaits, and who once claimed that He is God. Cheerz.

My 2nd Eulogy last night: "The journey of unanswered prayers".

I remember that night when I was looking at Joel gasping for his last few breath and I told myself that this will be his final journey on earth. I told myself that I will not cry. I am not going to shed a tear. I want to hold it all in. That’s how I grieve. That’s how I roll. My son and daughter were also in the room and I thought I was keeping it together for them.

But when I saw my father-in-law, who was holding back his tears too, went over and fell head first on Joel and let out a wailing like a baby, I knew the tear ducts would come crashing like a broken dam. And it did. But then, I saw my son crying like a baby before me. I guess I managed to hold it up longer than him at least.

My point?

The order of nature as we all know it in this world has been disturbed, disrupted.

Why?

Because sons shouldn’t be going before their fathers. A child shouldn’t be going before his/her parent. That’s the worldly understanding of it. That’s the natural order of things. A son is born to take over his father. A son is needless to say younger than his father. A son carries on as his father’s heir. A son therefore attends his father’s funeral and sends him off. Not the other way round. Never the other way. That’s what I meant by the order of nature.

I am a father myself and no father I know would want to see this day come to pass. It would be a heart breaking day to send your son off like this. And that was why I cried too like a baby. I felt the pain, the brokenness, the sorrow, and the grief of a father’s heart. I felt a fraction of what it was like to turn your face away when you see your son hanging at Calvary and dying all by himself, gasping for his last breath.

But then, I was so wrong. I was so mistaken. I have been thinking the way the world has been thinking. I have forgotten that we are in the world and that’s about all – we are not of the world. God’s kingdom works so differently.  Aren’t God’s ways different from the world? Aren’t God’s thoughts higher than ours?

You see, the order of God is different from the order of man. Jesus said that the first shall be last, and those who exalt himself shall be humbled. The weak shall declare they are strong, the poor rich, and the lost found. To live, you have to die to self. And to be successful, you must first be a servant.

So, yes, Joel has left before his dad. He has left leaving behind his loved ones. But it is not the end. Definitely not. It is only a beginning, a marvelous beginning, an endless celebration in fact. He lives on over there even as he expires over here – physically speaking.

His testimony as a son, a husband, a father himself, a believer shines throughout. These memories are just indestructible. They cannot be taken from all of us here. We stand (or sit) here as evidence of how each of our life has been influenced by his life – in small and big ways.

In fact, these memories, the images of Joel’s life and ministry stand as a city on the hill for all to see, and to be inspired, to be encouraged.

Joel indeed fought the good fight. He took this life God has given him – not too long and not too short – and made the most out of it, the best of it. And now, he lives forever in the arms of his Savior. He’s home where he has always belonged.

Let me end with what faith means to me in this journey. We spent 8 long years since 2008 praying for him. Our collective voices as a family cried out to God. But it appears it went unheeded. Our prayers seemed unreciprocated. Underscore “appears” and “seemed”. So let me share with you my beloved the other side of this desperate supplication to God. Let me offer you another perspective from God’s point of view in our struggles with unanswered prayers. I have written it here and I call it, quite ironically, the journey of unanswered prayers.

“This is the journey of unanswered prayers.

It arises from an earnest heart.

It takes its life from the breath one takes.

Our souls incubate her to flight.

Every whisper adds flesh to her existence.

But the journey she takes is a hard one.

It is long and painful.

At times, the pain can be unbearable.

Hope can appear distant.

Joy can be quashed.

And faith can fall short.

The journey of unanswered prayers takes many blows from all sides.

Circumstances conspire to exhaust her.

Time can mocked at her, torture her.

While nothing is impossible for those who believe, yet believing is not what is impossible for the believers.

It is the false hope that makes the journey intolerable.

The uncertainty cuts deeply into the longing, weary soul.

Positive turns are met with negative U-turns.

Improvements we see in Joel turned out to be deterioration lying in waiting.

And peace of mind are shattered by unbidden anxiety.

This uncharted path also seeks to starve us of hope, faith and joy.

Yet, this journey of unanswered prayers does not remain unanswered for long.

It somehow finds her own answers, in her own ways.

The miracle unfolds in her own time.

God’s plans are indeed different.

With time, the season of pain gives way to a season of deeper understanding.

The season of disappointments turns into reason for hope.

The load becomes lighter.

The joy returns.

As the journey of unanswered prayers come full circle, it is an end of one journey and the glorious start of another.

It is the beginning for Joel in a place he will always be singing and praising with no end in sight (that’s what he loves to do, above all).

And for the living, for us all here, his family, his friends and believers, we look back at the trail of this journey of unanswered prayers, and we see not the pain, the sorrow, and disappointments anymore.

The trail behind us has changed completely when we choose to see it not through our own eyes, but through the eyes of our Savior.

The tears of this journey has turned to rejoicing.

The brokenness is made whole.

The sadness transformed to joy.

Faith is restored,

Peace returns for good,

And love finally conquers all.

The love of a father for his son.

The love of God for us.

Now I know what Isaiah 55:11 means when it says, “So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.” 

Tonight, the journey of unanswered prayers find her rest and assurance in this scripture.

For every prayer offered did not return unto God void.

But it accomplished so much for those of us who keep trusting, keep believing.

Joel has finally returned home to much rejoicing.

It is victory forevermore.

It is life eternal.

It is joy unconditional.

Rest in peace Joel.

Love, family.

Amen.

Cheerz.