Adoption - the Woos.

 

When the Woos were told by a social worker that an unwed mother is about to give birth in two months, and they do not know the baby’s gender, and having told them that, was asked, would they be keen to adopt? They said yes immediately. That was 13 years ago. 

The Woos have one biological son. They always wanted two to three kids. Mrs Woo, 44, a marketing officer, said: “We have always felt we have the capacity and resources to have a bigger family to care for.” Her husband, 47, is a chief financial officer. 

Of course, Mr Woo needed some convincing. He said: “My kid was already eight years old by then and we were comfortable. It wasn’t an easy decision for me.”

But what tip the scale for the man of the household was this consideration: -

“When I meet my Creator - I have been blessed with so much and if I’m asked, “When you had an opportunity to change a life, why didn’t you take it?”, I wouldn’t be able to answer.”

The Woos are Christians and when they took their baby son home, Mrs Woo said: “The first time I saw him, I was just so moved with love for him. There was no doubt in my mind that I had made the right decision.”

Mr Woo said that his elder son is in love with his little brother (adopted son). “They plan to tell the younger child about his adoption as soon as he is able to comprehend it.” 

He said: “It has been awesome so far. He has been such a blessing, being so much joy and love to us.”

FYI, the Woos have tried for a second child for years and ”went through three cycles of in-vitro fertilisation unsuccessfully.”

Lesson? One. 

Well, I am glad the Woos said yes to the opportunity to change a life, and it changed their lives too, including their son’s life. 

I can imagine the blessing are mutual for them, from adopted son to their family and from their family to adopted son. From day one, they merged to become one family, that is, a synthesis of manifold blessings for a family with the capacity and resources to care for the additional bundle of joy. 

Alas, everyone is inspired by a journey of many happy endings, especially when it is a journey about building relationships with unconditional love and hope. 

Indeed, for those whose faith tells them that when they cross the liminal line of mortality, they will be held accountable for the things they have done and have not done, it just adds to their conscience one additional consideration for living a life of meaning and enduring purpose. 

As an aside, it is interesting to note the difference between meaning and purpose. I googled it, and this came up: “...meaning (logos) is how something or someone is defined, as well as an intention or reason for doing something; while purpose (telos) is the fulfillment or consummation of the meaning. One intends, the other accomplishes”.

In other words, your meaning is the “why” you do something, or the specific reason for that choice, and your purpose is to ask yourself: “What am I here for?” It is an overarching reason for living. 

By finding your purpose, you breathe meaning to your decision or choices. They do overlap in significant ways, of course, one influencing the other, but I see purpose as broader in scope and depth. 

Now, I can imagine someone defining their purpose as self-directed, that is, they are here on earth to gain the most material riches through industry and determination. Thereafter, every decision in line with that purpose brings about meaning to their life. 

For the Woos, however, the meaning is captured in the decision to adopt. Its purpose is the opportunity to change a life, to impact the life for good. As such, the purpose for them is others-directed, and that decision is meaningful to them, a blessing that is mutual no less. 

As such, meaning and purpose, when it comes to us as human beings, is premised both on the social and the metanarrative. Social is horizontal, that is, it is about building relationships, and the metanarrative is where the purpose comes in, upon which we are inspired and emboldened to fulfill that meaning. That is the case for the Woos. 

Of course, the true test of love is that it is unconditional, and I know of some parents whose child (with developmental issues) and actions have brought them to the edge of insanity and back. Their meaning and purpose were put through the fiery furnace of parenthood, and for some of them, they came out of it even stronger, with a love overcoming even the toughest trials of their life. 

Be that as it may, the Woos is right to confront their purpose in life, putting their faith in the metanarrative of “I am here on earth to take every opportunity to change a life,” and that chariot-led their decision to adopt, a choice that gave them unsurpassed meaning and joy. 

That is a lesson in parenthood we will all benefit from, and occasionally, we will need such timely reminder, in particular, when embracing our own child.

 

Gangtang's 27 years' search for his son.

 

I wonder, what does it take to feel like a father for some of us?

Well, for Guo Gangtang, 51, it took him 24 years of searching for his son, riding on his motorbike, and covering more than 500,000 across China. Yes, 24 years of unrelenting search, you heard it right. 

In 1997, Guo Zhen (Xinzhen) was abducted in front of the family home in Shandong, “where he was playing unattended...Traffickers snatched the boy and sold him to a family in central China.” He was only 2.5 years old then. 

Guo Zhen, now 26, was found via a DNA test and that ended Gangtang’s 24 years search, where he quit his job, “and criss-crossed the country on a motorbike with large flags bearing his son’s photo tied to the back.”

It is reported that “since launching a DNA database of missing family members in 2016, police said they have helped more than 2,600 individuals kidnapped as children – some more than 60 years ago – to find their biological parents.”

Mind you, the father’s search for his boy had garnered much nationwide and worldwide attention. Andy Lau even starred in a movie about Gangtang’s 24-year quest titled “Lost and Love.” 

Andy played Gangtang. And Andy was “extremely happy and inspired” to hear the news that Gangtang had found his son.It was a tear-soaking moment for Gangtang and his wife, when they hugged their son, who is now a teacher living in central province Henan. 

Gangtang exclaimed: “Now the child has been found, everything can only be happy from now on.”

It is also reported that “across the years, Guo has helped seven other families find their lost children and raised awareness about child trafficking – still a taboo topic in China.”

Lesson? One.

China’s one child policy has taken its toll on the soul of millions of parents. It has also resulted in untold pain to grieving mothers who have to standby to watch their own newborn daughter being put to death or abandoned, just so that the tradition of having a son to carry the family name would be realised, by hook, crook, or worse, infanticide. 

What’s more, by 2020, the gender imbalance was unthinkable, with 30 to 40 million surplus men. That is more than five times the population here. “In China at the time of the policy shifted to two-child policy, a staggering 119 boys were born for every 100 girls.” (The global average is 105 boys to every 100 girls). 

I write about this Nemo-like search for one’s son this morning because I can’t imagine the depth of love and devotion Gangtang had for his son, that is, in the 24 years of searching for him. He once told the Chinese media this: “Only by hitting the road looking for my son, do I feel I am a father.” 

Imagine giving up a quarter of a century of your life to embark on this quest, putting your son’s face on a flag, and travelling more than 500,000 km, without even knowing whether your baby (you knew for only 2.5 years) could ever be found. 

Imagine even further another love - if love is the right word. This time the love of another “father” who had bought your abducted son for a price and then raising him up as his very own, caring for him over the next 24 years, presumably hiding the truth from him, and refusing to come to terms with the real possibility that you as his biological father have never given up looking for him, travelling all over China, having to battle highway robbers, sleeping under bridges and even begging when your money ran out, just so as to fulfill that one wish to reunite with your only son. 

Well, juxtapositioning the two ironies together makes for such fact-is-stranger-than-fiction reality that my mind (as a father myself) cannot fully wrap around, can you? 

At this poignant moment, I came across the words of author Li Yiyun: -

“Being a mother (or father) must be the saddest yet the most hopeful thing in the world, falling into a love that, once started would never end.”

Indeed, some love is forever. Amidst the unspeakable pain is the unspeakable joy of a hope that never dies. 

Truly, I am so glad Gangtang and his son have reunited. And as he said, ““Only by hitting the road looking for my son, do I feel I am a father.” 

He is one father who never really knew his son, never saw the various milestones of growth in his young life, and was never able to touch and hug him to say “I love you so much”. In fact, that journey he took was the closest thing to fatherhood to him. And sadly, his son will never fully understand that love that never dies, but was nevertheless a love that inspired many fathers (and mothers) to never take their own child for granted. 

It is a love that reminded us daily as fathers that we should always treasure our journey with our kid, because it is a journey not solely of the imagination and hope, but one where we are fortunate enough to witness, embrace and celebrate every critical crossroad of their growth and overcoming, as one family.

 

Bill and Melinda Gates - Divorce.

 

First it was the richest couple, Jeff Bezos and MacKenzie Scott in 2019. Now, it is the fourth richest couple, Bill and Melinda Gates. Yes, you’ve heard. They are divorcing; in modernspeak, it’s decoupling. 

The Bezos marriage lasted about 25 years. The Gates union lasted about 27 years. The former have four adult kids and the latter (Gates) have 3 adult kids, the youngest is 18. 

Billionaires do get divorce you know. They are emotional beings too. They vacillate between love and hate, envy and contentment, sorrow and joy too. Like the Beatles song says, “Money can’t buy me love.” 

Wealth or fame, or both, does not provide lifelong innoculation. Akin to the covid vaccination, you either adapt or change in a marriage. For the Bezos and Gates, well, they change. Some marriages endure, others just end. 

Bill (65) and Melinda (56) may be a match from day one, marrying in 1994, with symmetrical goals to make the world a better place, but personal vows are not always made for a lifetime. There’s no guarantee in this world. 

“Over the last 27 years, we have raised three incredible children and built a foundation that works all over the world to enable all people to lead healthy, productive lives.” The statement they both released on Monday reads. 

“We continue to share a belief in that mission and will continue our work together at the foundation, but we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in the next phrase of our lives.”

“We ask for space and privacy for our family as we begin to navigate this new life.” 

Together, as a couple for the last 27 years, they have led in a grand vision to make the world a place where many find hope and live out their dreams. Their Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has pumped in more than $36b between 1994 and 2018. The foundation has over $51b in assets.

 

Just last year alone, during the Covid-19 pandemic, they have given out some $1.75b to vaccine initiatives and research. 

After the split, they said that the work of the foundation is likely to go on. Bill said: “This is not some small family foundation that’s going to fall apart because a marriage is falling apart.”

I wish them all the best that lifelong friendship bestows. The fact that they remain friends, and responsible parents to their children is what is most redeeming about their 27-year union. 

Lesson? Well, not really a lesson, but a statement that I hope this is not going to be a trend - whether as an subtle encouragement to cut the knot or discouragement to tie the knot.

Mind you, rich people are trailblazers. And the Bezos and Gates wield great worldly influence because in terms of achievements, whether financial, technology and philanthropy, they serve as examples for others to emulate. A shining city on the hill, the gatekeepers and trendsetters of society. 

In a joint petition filed to dissolve their marriage, they cited that their union was “irretrievably broken”. I know divorces. As a family lawyer, I have attended weddings where love is prepared to overcome all. For it is all in their eyes, that is, the way they look at each other. The eyes are the window to the soul, the doorway to the heart. 

When the eyes lock in warm embrace, holding the champagne glasses before a crowd of witnesses, you can feel the radiance of a new commitment on a journey that may, for some, turn out to be more experimental than covenantal. That journey is however reflected in the soul of their eyes. It glows. It’s shared vision. It takes hold. 

But, in the office when you see the eyes of someone who has finally mustered the courage to file for divorce, a decision not lightly made, the eyes are almost lifeless. It’s tired, jaded. It’s pained, expressionless. 

Overcoming love had somehow been overwhelmed. And the last straw that broke the back is not so much in the weight of the straw, but it is in the back that has given up long time ago. Emotional divorce indeed precedes legal divorce. And the eyes tell more than what the ink on paper can ever express. 

So I can imagine what Bill and Melinda, not as billionaires but human beings, have gone through. Imagine having so much in common as husband and wife, and both so devoted to nurturing three grown up kids, while at the same time, having built a philanthropic empire that aims to transform lives all over the world, yet, hearts joined in fulfilling responsibilities could not remain joined for marriage. Like water droplets, the years hide an erosion that no one had anticipated. 

Their sad state of the union is captured in their joint statement - “we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in the next phrase of our live.” Indeed there is no guarantee in life. 

I started the lesson by saying that I hope this doesn’t become a trend. For each marriage is like a fingerprint - no two of them are alike. Personalities differ. Circumstances differ. Life-paths of couples differ too.

 

At times, staying together requires couples to fight together, and not each other. You are therefore accountable to the love you have promised to another. You may not be as rich or famous as the Gates, but everyday is a choice in your marital journey, a personal choice that all adds up. 

And news of a famous breakup is not an excuse for you to claim that a lifelong marriage is a myth. It ought to challenge you to believe that the choices you make make the difference. Anything that is lifelong requires a lifetime commitment. 

Let me end with a marital advice from a famous couple too. He was asked - “What would you say is the secret to a long and happy marriage?”

He replied: “First of all, we accommodate each other. There was nothing we fundamentally disagreed on. She knew knew my quirks and I knew her eccentricities.” 

Like Bill and Melinda Foundation, they too have laid the cornerstone of a foundation, being equal-partners in a marriage with three adult children. They are Lee Kuan Yew and his lifelong partner, Kwa Geok Choo. 

And like I said, there’s no guarantee. Yet, whether a marriage is experimental or covenantal, the only guarantee is in the choices we make, one day at a time.

 

Love is not violence.

Yes, love is not violent. Rachel Lim, 29, says it well. She has recovered well too. She said that love and violence cannot co-exist. Actually, love ought to overcome violence because where there is love, there is no hate.

When Rachel met Clarence Teo Shun Jie in 2017, it was love at first sight. In an interview with Wong Kim Hoh, she said it was instant attraction. “I’ve never felt such an electrifying connection with anyone. Things went well for a while.” 

However, it took just one month into the relationship before Clarence, then a doctor, “punched her face...after suddenly grilling her about her past relationships.” It was a serious assault that caused her to bleed all over his bed sheets.

Rachel said: “I was shocked beyond words. I thought maybe he had mental health issues and that he didn’t know what he was doing. I thought if he were willing to go into therapy, there could be a chance for us.”

Here’s some context...

This is not the first time Rachel was exposed to violence. She was in fact born into a family where violence was common. She said this about her middle-class parents and elder brother. “I’m estranged from my family. They were emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive as well.”

She had lodged police reports against her father and her brother, for acts of violence. It was so bad that she couldn’t focus on her studies and thought of ending her life. She told Wong that she cut her arms when she was in her teens. Neighbours could even hear her screams. 

At 22, she packed up and left her family after a fight with her father. Rachel then rented “a small room in Ang Mo Kio and for a couple of years made a living as a journalist, writing for titles such as Wine & Dine; the Asian edition of BBC GoodFood; and Food & Travel.” 

Clarence was not her first boyfriend. Before him was another but it did not last. When “stress and accumulated angst conspired to push her into depression,” she attempted suicide. This time she cut her thigh. Her then boyfriend hurried her to the hospital for immediate treatment. He also broke off the relationship there and then. 

After that, she met Clarence. That instant attraction led to the second occasion of violence when Clarence “waylaid her when she was on her way to work, pushed her into his car, took her home and abused her for more than 10 hours.”

Rachel again tried to her to take her life after Clarence’s second assault. Rachel checked into a hotel and ingested dozens of pills. Fortunately for her, her Godma looked for her and found her in the hotel. They broke the door down and rushed her for treatment. 

The third and final beating was the worst. It happened in August 2017. When Rachel refused Clarence’s demands for sex, he was so enraged that “he smashed her face with his fists, breaking her nose, leaving multiple fractures and causing her brain to bleed.” 

Mind you, the beating did not end until Clarence’s father called the police and have his own son arrested. 

Rachel recalled that “doctors had to fix, among other things, her nose, her eye sockets m and her little finger which broke while fending off his blows.” She said, “I had brain haemorrhage and if it didn’t go away, I could have died.”

“Last year, (Clarence) was sentenced to three years, six months and two weeks’ jail with four strokes of the cane. He was also fined $4,000. Two months ago, he was struck off the Register of medical practitioners.”

Lesson? I have one. 

I fleshed out Rachel’s story because it has a happy ending, well, at least at this point of her life. She truly deserves it anyway. Wong wrote that she is now in a loving and respectful relationship with a design engineer, who’s also a musician. They have been dating for the last two years. 

I wish them well, and hope that their love this time will be strong and the commitment to make it work even stronger. 

The last two violent relationships she was in was of different durations (so to speak). One for decades (she left her family at 22) and the other for six months (that’s how long her relationship with Clarence was). I caveat that they are different of course, one is with family (whose bond is not irredeemable) and the other I consider a date (which ought to be severed for good). 

Her advice in the article was this: “Get out. Love and violence cannot co-exist.”

I agree with that. Love and violence cannot co-exist. Love and betrayal cannot co-exist too. And love and apathy, well, one day, the bough will break. But human love is not pure, especially the untested ones. 

One columnist Tim Park wrily describes modern marriages as such: -

“In this finely managed, career structured world we’ve worked so hard to build, with its automatic gates and hissing lawns, its comprehensive insurance policies, divorce remains one of the few catastrophes we can reasonably expect to provoke, offering a truly spectacular shipwreck. Oh to do some serious damage at last!”

There is no “comprehensive insurance coverage” for a union of two broken human beings. Time will test their devotion and commitment. No doubt Christians often view marriages as an act of God (refer to Genesis and the Garden of Eden) but a spouse who turns into someone you can no longer recognise is no less an “act of god”, that is, in insurance lingo, it becomes circumstances beyond your control. 

Recently, I received a caller who told me that for many years she and her husband were estranged. They were emotionally separated, but physically together. Yet, his behaviour became worse. He drinks. He gets violent. He hit her. He even hit his adult daughter. 

With a tinge of desperation in her voice, she said he has changed so much that she wonders whether he is still the same person who walked down the aisle just to say “I do” to her. But then, she paused for a while, and told me this, as a Christian, God hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16).

Well, I was wondering, who goes into marriage thinking about divorce along the way? It is like saying “I do” and then whispering “I don’t think so”. 

You can’t get more certain at the celebrating altar before a crowd of well-wishers. The circumstances demand your certainty. It is externally compelled (so to speak). 

But certainty is a nurturing response, and love in overcoming together strengthens that certainty through the forging of two hearts into one. Over the years, that certainty is earned and it becomes an intrinsic commitment that lasts a lifetime. That is no doubt an ideal, but it is also the oxygen that love seeks to thrive in. 

So, not only God, but everyone at the wedding feast hates divorce. More so, during the honeymoon, or at the nursery, when you first hold your new born in your arms. Marriage is about the birth of a new life, and you have to brace yourselves for the challenges ahead as the two of you journey together in this new life. 

We tend to forget that yes, God hates divorce, but God also sent his son. On the one hand is the perfect and on the other, Calvary. Between that, it is where all human relationships strive to find their way, either towards Calvary or away from it. 

But divorces do not mean that he/she steps away from Calvary. It may very well be part of the journey he/she takes to find the one who is willing to join a heart broken with another who is equally broken, if not more so. 

That is why I wish Rachel the best of love, of overcoming, of growth and of nurtured certainty. A soul who never gives up looking for love, not necessarily marital in nature, will find it in a community that is also seeking the same thing.

 

Love at millennial's crossroad.

 

They dated for 10 years mostly on a long distance relationship. He’s Singaporean. She’s a Thai national. He’s 32. She’s 31. Her mother was a diplomat and his father a shipping manager. They tied the knot in 2019.

 

The husband, Jeremy Lim, said: “Marrying Parada was one of the best decisions in my life.” And theirs is not the usual walk down the aisle. 

They met “as high school students in an international school in Nairobi, the capital of Kenya, but became a couple only after they graduated from the school and while living in different countries.” (reports Theresa Tan and Goh Yan Han). 

Parada Sritaragul is a high flyer, academic wise. She holds a masters in Communication Science from University of Vienna, Austria, and was also offered the chance to do a PhD at the University of Vienna. Jeremy has a degree from UniSIM.

But Jeremy told her that the PhD course would have taken about five years and he said: “I wouldn’t deny her all the things she wanted to do but I told her we are getting older.” 

Jeremy then threw in the love bait, so to speak. “I asked her if she would come to Singapore to live for one year.” She did, and one year later, they signed on the dotted marital line. 

Parada said: “We had been together for so long. And it’s really hard to find someone who understands me and who I can have a good conversation with. Jeremy really put in a lot of effort to keep our relationship alive.” 

Lesson? Well, I wish them well. I pray that their marriage will not be just about the honeymoon, but also about how they will come together even stronger and deeper in love when confronting the dark side of that so-called honeymoon. Because a lifetime union is not always a bed of roses. The thorns prick too, especially when you least expect it, for longer than you expect it. 

In their story of love, there is a part that caught my attention. “When people around Thai national Parada Sritaragul learnt that she was marrying a Singaporean church worker, they asked if she was bothered that he earned less than her.”

“They even told Ms Sritaragul...an account manager at a marketing communications agency in Singapore, that she could probably find a better match than her husband.”

This is what Parada said: “In Thai culture, the husband is supposed to earn more than the wife. And many Thais feel that when you marry a foreigner, he is really rich.”

“They always say I can do better than Jeremy. I say I can make my own living. I did not marry for money.”

I like the part when she said “I make my own living. I did not marry for money.” There is some truth there. Love bridges the gap right? 

At this juncture, I wonder, if I should pen a short letter about how I should advise young married couples on this journey to a union of one soul, body and mind, what would it be? 

Off the top of my head, I can only think of one word, reality. Here’s how I would scribe it. 

“Dear whoever’s reading this, Congrats, you guys made it! It is a day you have been waiting for, for the most part of your early developing years on earth at least. I can imagine my daughter (or son) walking down that same aisle and I too feel the joy in my heart, for them and for you. 

Marriage is indeed a milestone in a person’s life. It is one’s endearing idea of an ideal coming into reality. That wedding night is where that ideal fully blooms. It is meant to be unforgettable. It was designed that way.

Yet, in a society with one of the highest costs of living and one that is highly competitive, marriage has to face facts too. Unless you have regular stable support from your parents, you guys have to stand on your own two feet. 

And when the kids come, you have to anchor that footing to weather the perfect storm of parenthood, career and finances. That’s the dark side of the moon for you. 

Love often comes in here. It is a bond with a history and a future, depending on how realistic you guys are. Pls note that idealism without reality is flighty, and reality without idealism is weighty. You want the best and balance of both to make it through the marital rain. 

And the meteorological reading in this uncharted landscape is that it will come, and mind you, not always in the form of showers of blessings. So, brace yourself for some occasional heavy drenching. 

As I said before, love is the bridge. It ought to bridge the gap. It’s your first port of call. Nothing else can take her place. Not power, fame or money. For even if you marry into unimaginable wealth, a smooth union is no guarantee. Look at Prince Harry and Princess Markle, and I am sure you get the drift. 

Love is really what you make out of it. The light of love is that first promise to keep, and as long as you fight to keep that promise, and put it first at all times, you will find the path to walk together that will lead you to a lifetime of marital maturity and growth. 

Alas, that may sound idealistic, but trust me, keeping that first promise is going to test you to the core. It’s no academic test. It is the exam of a lifetime. That’s also where idealism rubber meets the reality road. 

So yes, reality is what’s needed to add salt to the years and light to the road. And at times, after some time, you will find yourself in a valley all alone, indulging in second and third thoughts. That’s only human, and marriage doesn’t make you less so. 

But pls don’t underestimate such valley moments, or misread them. They carry the message that love is demanding of you. She is asking you to shed the naivety, grow up and renew the commitment. If marriage has one definition, it would be to guard and protect that first promise against all temptations, distractions and disillusionment. Recall idealism without reality is flighty?

Ok, I will end here. In a short letter, I can’t cover everything. No matter how you read it, it is still words, in digital print. But the marriage vows are words too, confessed no less. Yet, I recall that in some beginning of time, a word became flesh and lived amongst us. I think that is where idealism comes alive, that is, when it is enfleshed and live the spirit of love out in full, over time, for all time.

I thus wish exactly that in your marital journey. A journey where love not only bridges the gap, shines the light, but also opens doors for resilience, reconciliation and renewal to bloom. 

Signed off,

Mike.”

 

The Extraordinary in the Ordinary.

 

We want our children to be extraordinary. We want them to stand out, to be outstanding. The script is to never be forgotten. Leave a mark that is forever. Be the legacy everyone will never forget.

In business, be the Schultz, Tatas or Bransons. In finances, be the Buffets and Soros. And in technology innovation, be the Gates, Zuckerbergs and Bezos. 

Our dreams for our children are boundless. We want them to excel in whatever they do, and never settle. Be at the top of their game, and always striving to be the best, the head of the line. 

But what is extraordinary then? What is the “extra” in that word? How about outstanding? How far “out” there do we expect our kids or ourselves to go? 

Everybody wants to be a billionaire. But how about the honest wage earner? Everybody wants to build empires. But how about the one who builds a home for the family? Or the one who lays a brick for the company? Or the one who live an honest life, caring and sharing regularly, even anonymously. 

And everybody wants to be famous. We all want many to know us. We covet the attention - the more the merrier. But how about a father whose kids offer the most heartfelt eulogy at his wake? He may not be well known by thousands, but to the handful his life has touched, he is well loved, never forgotten. 

The question is, what is this pursuit of the extraordinary when such pursuit often leaves us feeling that we have scrambled up a ladder that is leaning on the wrong side of the wall? In other words, a ladder leaning on a wall with just you at the top and no one else. 

This reminds me of a poem entitled “Make the ordinary come alive” that goes against the grain of all that. It keeps us marveling at an ordinary life, for the many extraordinary milesones in it. Some of you may be familiar with it. Here goes...

“Do not ask your children,

To strive for extraordinary life,

Such striving may seem admirable,

But it is a way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder,

And the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

I always thought that the “extra” in extraordinary has to be something more than just being ordinary. But I was wrong about it. My mistake was failing to distinguish the mediocrity and the extraordinary in the ordinary.

 

You can be mediocre in the ordinary or extraordinary in the ordinary. The reality that you are ordinary is not to be despised. What is to be despised is someone who despises an ordinary life, wishing to be somewhere else, hoping he is someone else, never having a mind that is contented and at peace with himself.

Such a man will never be extraordinary even if he becomes famous, rich and possesses everything he strives for. Because even in his glowing status, adored by thousands, he will not be contented. He will not be at peace. He will not settle. Even in his death bed, his fist is raised in the air. 

At this point, some may say that what I have written is nothing but a consolatory piece, that is, self soothing self. But on the contrary, I see it as a contentment piece, self overcoming self. For you can be rich or poor, and still struggle with life. Because deep inside, nothing is ever settled and right. In the end, it is about a perspective to see beyond what you have, and savour the growth in the nurturing relationships you never leave behind. 

Here are three encounters that I find most extraordinary. They are examples I can only wish for myself and my life. 

I attend church regularly and sometimes I sit in the kids’ section. Without fail, carrying their son into the room was a couple who have been attending church for decades. 

They would occupy the front row, and as the message was being preached over the big screen, the couple would take turns to play with their son. He is mentally challenged, and despite his cries and wailing, they never let up caring for him. That’s truly extraordinary for me. A lesson that is timeless about a love that is boundless. 

I have a friend whom I have known for more than 30 years, and for a period of 16 years, he had been taking care of his wife. She had been battling with lupus, and at the end stage of her life, her immune system turned around and attacked her own organs. 

He told me he had many sleepless nights and when I asked him what kept him going, he answered simply, “she’s my wife...I love her”. That can’t be anything but extraordinary. 

And finally, some years back, I brought my daughters to Tanah Merah Terminal to welcome my wife back from Batam. My youngest girl was very excited about her mom’s return. She said to me that she has been waiting for it since Friday when she left. When she saw her, she ran over and hugged her. 

The bond was deeply touching for me. It was in many ways extraordinary. It was a moment filled with the simple pleasures of life. A moment when in one’s passing matters more than anything in this world. 

They are all extraordinary in their own ways, and none of their extraordinary efforts in the most ordinariness of living can be considered as mediocre. 

One is about parental sacrifice, the other is about spousal devotion to the very end, and the other is about a mother’s love. 

And in the ordinary lives they live, what inspires me most is how extraordinary their love, faithfulness and hope for one another are. Nothing comes close. 

Let me end with what I wrote about a life of great impact. 

I dream of a life of great impact,

But what I got is my daughter's hug.

I dream of a legacy others will marvel at,

But what I have is my son's respect.

I dream of a world that will remember me,

But what I have is a night with my wife, truly free.

And I dream of fame and riches I can touch.

But I think you've guessed just as much.

For what I have is a walk with my daughter down the aisle.

My reality seems to have missed my dreams by a mile.

They are so different from the dreams I wanted so bad.

For they are the dreams that’ve kept me running mad. 

But I know now it's not my reality that has missed the mark.

It's my dreams that’ve always boxed me up. 

They have led me away from the things that matter.

And held me to a mirage wishing for something better.

In the end, I do not want to miss the forest for the trees.

I do not want to chase dreams that are just not for me. 

I will not trade my reality for a dream, chasing a myth. 

And in dreaming miss out a life waiting for me to fully live.