Family Law is a Misnomer.

It is true. Family law, as Justice Choo has said, is a misnomer. It is not a law to keep a family going. It is a law to save parties, including the kids, from a family breaking up.

Leo Tolstoy said: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family are unhappy in its own way.” I guess this is where Family law comes in; to address and resolve the many ways unhappiness is expressed within a family - to put it mildly. 

Family law is one of society’s handmaidens to help parties resolve disputes, especially one that can be as bitter as divorces, family violence, the division of assets accumulated jointly, and the issues concerning the care of their young children. 

Justice Choo said: “By the time the (law) is involved to resolve domestic problems, it usually means that the family can no longer mediate within itself. It is one thing for a family to give and take within itself, and another for a third party to determine how they should do it.”

Unlike a commercial contract, a marital vow comes frontloaded with great expectations. No ordinary contract signed on the dotted line ends with the lifetime bond of nuptial union. Imagine business partners shaking hands, smiling at one another, saying, “Till death do us part”. Scary right?

Usually, when a commercial undertaking is realised and the net profit is divided amongst the parties based on the contractual terms, the partnership ends there. 

You take your money as a reward for the faith, trust and effort invested in a business venture for a period of time, and each of you walks away, satisfied. Most of such handshakes, should the purpose for which they join hands come to pass, conclude with a happy ending. Incidentally, friendships are then forged. 

Even for commercial disputes, when things go down south, the parties are often kept at arms’ length. While emotions may flare up and distrust deepens for the long run, once the matter is arbitrated and resolved, you can generally expect the business wounds to heal. 

For a marriage, however, things are never that simple or straightforward. The wounds for some are never healed. 

What complicates the issue even more, if not much more, is the consummation not just of hearts, bodies and souls, a spiritual union of sorts, but it is the unyielding fruit that such intimacy brings. Mind you, that is part of the covenantal expectation of a marital union. 

When something as miraculous as a life is being conceived in a womb by the joint and indispensable efforts of two ordinary and broken souls (who never stop wondering how undeserving they are), the vows they take to each other suddenly comes alive and the gravity of their passion unknowingly sets the law of love in their hearts. 

When I first held my firstborn in my arms, his vulnerability became my vulnerability, his hopes became my hopes, and his joy became my joy.

From there on, Anna and I know that no contractual terms or language can ring fence or define that kind of passion, commitment and nurture each of us is call to bring into the marriage, which has, by sheer deliberation, served one of its highest purposes, that is, the conception of a life, or in my case, three.

You can therefore see how when a marriage is taken seriously, it can lead to a perpetuated “lawless” (or law-superfluous) bliss that is governed by the self-sacrificial acts of love. 

Family law would then become redundant in a family that has no use for it when love as an ideal is diligently applied to raw reality and is then transformed into a love that is resilient and always overcoming. And when you have arrived at that level of marital commitment, you would then need family law as much as a fish would need a bicycle. 

But any commitment below that covenantal threshold is witlessly beholden to the laws of familial disunions. It is therefore bound by its human-directed solutions, one that can never reach a perfection that the perfection of love in a marriage can reach over a joint and shared lifetime. 

Let me end with our greatest aspiration as a human being with a sealed expiry date. Our greatest aspiration as a living soul is to be loved and accepted, and in return, to give love and accept another, both unconditionally. 

That kind of mutuality is beyond the ambit and reach of a commercial handshake. That kind of union is nurtured in the timeless womb of love that only produces eternal results when two lives come together to sacrifice for one another. 

Marriage is therefore not a self apart from another self. It is instead two selves losing themselves in a union that is transformed by selflessness. No other secular bonds come close to such nurtured resilience, growth and maturity over one’s lifetime. 

So, yes, family law will always be a misnomer because it is nevertheless society’s earnest handmaiden of resolving conflicts that arise from a bond that often operates not on the covenantal level, but one out of a passivity based largely on natural convenience.

Marriages, Divorces and Contempt.

Over the years, I have come across quite a number of spouses seeking to end their marriages. 

They come from all ages. You have the newly wed. One recently called me and told me that he just married in June this year. He met her in China. But after staying together for a few months in his Singapore home, he realised that her personality clashed with his big time. 

So, he rushed for the lowest hanging marital fruit...yes, divorce. I told him in the run-of-the-mill cases like his, he will have to wait three years. He nevertheless kept badgering me for a way out of his marital rut. Mind you, he is in his fifties. 

After I told him to give his newly minted marriage a fighting chance, his parting shot to me was this: “Wah, three more years with her, die lah!”

You also have those who married for what seems like ages. Any longer, and they may as well print and circulate commemorative coins with their bridal portraits on it. 

Anyway, many of them confessed to me that they stayed in the dead-calm union because of the duty to raising up their children. It seemed like the shackles of commitment for them are their kids and its liberty is when they grow up and leave the matrimonial home. 

That is also where what is left of a marital shell is the unyielding resolve to take a sledgehammer to break it up once and for all. And it is easy to crack it since there is nothing holding it together inside. 

One even told me this, straight up, that she had given up praying for her husband as her pastor had always conveniently advised her to do.

She said she has been praying for decades for him and he only got worse as he ages. The descend to apathy is quite scary. From can’t wait to unveil her to see his beautiful bride’s face to can’t stand the sight of her as she grew old with him, she told me that now, she only prays for the courage to end the marriage. 

Then, we have the unerringly impenitent. And allow me to judge here. These spouses simply have no anchor, whatsoever. The wedding night is full of promises, but after the honeymoon, the marital road is full of broken promises. One broken promise after another, he leaves her stranded, lost and despondent. Mind you, it works the other way too where the culprit is the wife.

These marriages usually last for a few years because the spouse waits in vain for a change. And when they come to me, it can only mean one of two things. First, he or she is in the loving arms of someone else. Or second, she fears for her own life/safety as he has progressed from promising to protect to promising to harm. 

The thing is, whenever I hear all these stories, that is, all in a day’s work, my mind always drift to my own marriage. I always ask myself, what makes you so sure that you are any different, or Anna is any different. Do you stay together for the kids? 

Well, FYI, next January, we will be celebrating our twentieth. I heard 25th year is silver and 50th year is golden, and 20th year is...waitforit...China. Mm...maybe 1st year is...Las Vegas? 

Anyway, the thing I always look out for in the jaded narration of martial woes is contempt. The dictionary defines it as “the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration.” The Singlish definition of it is...waitforit...“just can’t stand your face.” And contempt is prevalent in every marriage, no union is spared. 

If we do not want to deny our humanity, we shouldn’t deny contempt. It is not a case of categorical absence but a-matter-of-degree presence. I trust we are guilty of it to varying degree whenever we fight or quarrel with each other. While kids may say the darnest things, we adults say it and at times, inadvertently mean it. 

I have one spouse who admitted to me that what is most hurting was when her husband told her in the face that if he had married someone else, he would have better understanding, better maturity and better lovemaking. 

Well, my in-the-head retort is that if he had married someone else, she might find him incomprehensible, intolerable, and insufferable. But that’s just me. 

Returning to contempt, at times, I catch myself expressing it to Anna. Not that I can’t stand her face, because till today, from a purely physical POV, I still find her beautiful. I am not being romantic, just realistic. But what I just can’t stand about her is her attitude, and I believe at times, she can’t stand mine too. The mutual contempt can be felt from both sides. 

Yet, what kept the marital flame alive and affectionate is how the beast of contempt is slain and the yeast of love is raised. For without ferment where is the good beer or the fresh bread. 

So most times, it is not what we argue about that is crucial, it is how we end it that determines whether contempt reigns or is slain. If we end it to end whatever commitment and love we have for each other, then contempt will take centrestage in our marriage. But if we end it by ending the conflict and building up understanding, then contempt will make its timely exit from the marital stage. 

Here is where I will end this post, due to its unruly length. I have more to say, but let me just close by reminding us that the wedding ceremony is really just the beginning of the journey. Whether it is one that will take you to the China, Silver or Golden years really depends on how the two of you jointly, intentionally and valiantly fight this beast of contempt together. 

Most times, it is not about saving the marriage, but saving ourselves from destroying it by embracing contempt.

Resilient Marriages: Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon.

Muslims have a way out of marriage. Like the usual formal proposal to get into one, they can pronounce "talak" to get out of it. 

So, unlike the divorce route for everyone else, where they have to apply, serve and in some cases, engage in a legal entanglement for months to get that divorce recognised by the Family Court, the pronouncement of "talak" is part of the entrenched cultural practice of Muslims since 1968 and enshrined under Syriah law. 

Here's how it works as reported in the papers today in two real life scenarios. 

Ms Eiliyah (not her real name), who was estranged from her husband, received a call from her husband on the pretext of returning a camera. 

She then came down from her parent's flat and coming out from hiding from behind the void deck's pillars were her husband's father and best friend. 

As her husband pronounced "talak" on her, he needed two witnesses and that accounted for why his father and best friend were present. Some call it divorce by ambush. 

Eiliyah said: "He said my name and announced that he was divorcing me with one talak in front of the two men." You can call it a proposal in reverse. 

In another case, the couple of more than 20 years were locked in a heated argument last September when his wife chided him for not helping with their children. 

Out of anger, the husband pronounced talak on her and she agreed to it - equally provoked by his pronouncement. 

But the good news is that they went for counselling and the husband expressed remorse for the slip of the tongue. Their marriage was eventually saved through a remarriage. 

But why remarriage?

You see, more than three months have passed since the pronouncement, and that was effective to end the marriage. This was before the couple managed to sort out their differences and reconcile. 

So, they have to remarry at the Registry of Muslim Marriages to reaffirm their love. 

I guess the lesson here is that it is always wiser to control the tongue because it may just cost you your marriage. 

Lesson? Just one. 

In the strange world of marriages, the melding of two lives is itself an adventure of sorts. 

It is in fact a multiplying adventure whereby the two often become three or four or even nine. One of my clients recently came into my office and she was pregnant. She told me that she is carrying her ninth child. 

Alas, some marriages last a lifetime. Others for less than a day. In fact, I did a divorce many years back and the couple, who were years apart in age, separated just after the Chinese tea ceremony. Go figure. 

But my point in all this is captured in the Life's article of an unusual couple. It's the Ozzy Osbourne marriage.

Recently, they posted a picture of them together celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. But their union is anything but smooth. 

In fact, the couple separated last year because the rocker Ozzy had numerous extramarital flings. 

"There were six of them," Sharon said, which included "a Russian teenager, two masseuses and the family's cook." 

However, it reports that Ozzy, 68, had undergone therapy for sex addiction and assured his wife, Sharon, that he is unlikely to break her heart again. He said: "I'm lucky she didn't walk out (on me)." 

This brings me to what Sharon said that I think we couples have to bear in mind. 

She said to Ozzy: "Always remember: You carry my heart in yours, and it's getting older and needs protecting." 

Indeed, if we should choose this road, this journey, where the two become one, our heart no longer belongs to ourselves. 

At the altar, in our public profession of love, we offer not only our lives to each other, but also our heart. It is the same heart that has been living with us before we say "I do". The one we protect with our life. 

The couple therefore holds the heart of their lover in his/her own and sworn before the witnessing crowd to protect it above his/her own. 

Wherever we go, like Sharon said, we carry the heart of our partner - in health and in sickness, in riches and in poverty, in good times and bad, that is, in times of loneliness and in times of temptation. 

At all times, we are never alone. The beating of another's heart is always within us. 

Our role as husbands (or wives) is not just to provide and care for the family, the children, but by that sacred vow, to protect, treasure and nurture the heart of our lover. 

Her heart is nurtured by trust, affection and faithfulness, and his heart is strengthened by understanding, encouragement and faith. Both of which are sustained by love, commitment and resilience. 

And when the two hearts beat as one, the couple will then know that together, they can confront any trial and temptation and walk away from them with understanding and love that indeed surpass everything that life can throw at them. 

In the end, love's greatest gift is not in an oath, a toast or a kiss. It is in the protection of our lover's heart, putting it above our own, and giving of ourself to the object of our affection. Cheerz.