Last Sunday, there was an encouraging story of how Christopher (names have been changed for privacy) overcame porn with the help of his parents and church.
Like all innocent beginnings, the first draw for Christopher was curiosity. He was only nine at that time. He chanced upon an image of a naked woman. He was curious to find out more. This curiosity - required for learning but can also be a lure for addiction - led Christopher to a world of porn.
At 11, he dived into its online world.At 18, he recounted: “I wanted something a bit more stimulating. Eventually, the images of nude women weren’t that interesting anymore because I’d seen a lot of them.”
His mother, Pamela, 48, was a housewife at that time and his father, John, 50, was an educator. Christopher has an older brother and a younger sister. They were regular churchgoers.
Pamela and John helped their son to break the habit. It took years. In 2016, Christopher, his older brother and John attended a church programme for men seeking to be free from porn. Christopher was 15 then.
Reporting the story was Venessa Lee, and she wrote: “The church programme involved watching a video series on the topic and what John describes as meetings similar to AA (Alcoholics Aynonymous), with small groups talking about dealing with porn.”
Through diligent efforts, opening up about sexual addiction, sharing about honouring the opposite sex, with additional parental monitoring and restrictions, Christopher said that he is now free from the porn habit.
Lesson? I have one, about parenthood, but the topic on the struggles of sex is a ride along, and it is captured in these words by Christopher: -
“It was an adrenaline rush - I felt good after I watched it. I would go back to it if I felt bored and didn’t have anything exciting to do before dinner or bedtime.”
There is something about sex that turns us men on. Whether you are young and curious or old and seeking expression or outlet, sex is very much a biological as well as a psychological stronghold.
We produce millions of sperms each day - 1500 each second. We also have a dangling appendage that is easily aroused from the constant bombardment of mental imageries in today’s sexualised world.
And every such arousal, and ejaculation bring about what the French calls “little death” of pleasure. That pleasure transports is to a world of our hidden and unbridled fantasy.
That pleasure also entrenches memories that we secretly, and at times, subconsciously, recall when we crave to escape from the boredom, pressure and/or stress of daily living and working.
These so-called recalled-at-will “little deaths” memories entice us to act on them, and most times, we tell ourselves that it is just a harmless diversion.
But Christopher’s words here is a warning: “Sometimes, I would think, can I even stop or is this going to go on forever?”
Well, that forever part is another way of saying this: “At first, you drink the drink. Later, the drink drinks you.”
Addiction is a slippery slope. It doesn’t become slippery at the top or first step. At the top, it appears harmless, thinking one’s surefooted. It is somewhere in the muddled middle that the gradient turns a sharp angle downslope, most times without warning, leaving one wrongfooted.
And the rest is a struggle between will and lust, pressure and pleasure, control and escapism, and for married men, opportunity and adultery.
And...this brings me to my lesson. As I had said earlier, it is about parenting.
Christopher recalled: -“My mother sat me down and told me why watching porn was wrong. She showed me from a Christian perspective what sex was about.” Outwardly calm, (Christopher’s) mother was devastated inside. She had been involved in a church group that helped parents with faith-based sex education for their children.””
“Pamela says: “I was shocked and discouraged. I was teaching other parents, but my son was watching porn. I felt I was a failure.””
I can identify with the “I felt I was a failure” part. I am a father of three and I have to say that we parents want nothing more than to see them grow up upright, surefooted, and resilient. That is the gold standard for parenting.
But, we don’t get to choose things or lives that way. Our children come to us, as they are. In poker analogy, we don’t get to choose a birth of genetic royal flush.
And our control over them whittles away by the days, months and years from the time they are born. They not only grow up fast, they also grow up differently. Each of them takes different pathways of maturity. Their growth trajectory does not follow a predetermined parental plan.
Gradually, their world branches out. From the crib to the living room area, from the home to playgrounds, schools and hostels, their circle of influence via socialization expands.
Most of the time, the inflection of behavioural changes come from such socialization, beyond the comforts and security of the home environment.
Pamela and John appear to have everything a parent desires, that is, being a housewife means more time with one’s children, being a regular churchgoer means being blessed with a like-minded community of support and encouragement, and what’s more, John is an educator.
I supposed they are economically stable too. Yet, as parents, our kids can experience life on the rough and tough side and that changes things and perspective for them. It may happen even without us knowing, or with us still assuming that things are ok.
Our kids come to us as gifts no doubt. But gifts can be broken even in our loving hands because we ourselves are learning. In other words, we have our own struggles. We also stumble and fall along the way.
My takeaway from this post is in the words of Pamela: “We need to extend a lot of grace to our children and ourselves. Everyone makes mistakes. There is no need to condemn anyone. We pick ourselves up and learn and grow.”
That “grace to ourselves” part is what resonates with me most, and I feel it does not get mentioned enough.
Perfect parenting is a myth. Human parenting with all its flaws is more reflective of reality. There is no full-dress rehearsal for us becoming parents. We keep forgetting that we have one lifetime to get it right, not overnight, or in one or two parenting seminars.
And many times, along the journey, we get it wrong. But that’s what it’s all about right? The wrongs are what’s right about parenting when we - as Pamela said - “pick ourselves up and learn and grow”.
As such, we are never a failure for them if we never give up on them. That is grace, and grace-empowered parenting is about a heart of unfailing love, not a heart that gives up when it encounters failure. So, when we fall as parents, we pick ourselves up and continue to run the race until we complete it.
Let me end by this words, “Captured Forever”. I love the image. As parents, our child are safe in our arms. They have captured our hearts and we can’t let them go without letting our hearts go. Our lives are thus intertwined.
Captured forever means we will always be there for them as this life permits. We will celebrate their little milestones and cry with them as we walk with them through their own valley.
That is a powerful image of enduring love, a love that not only abides over a lifetime, but one that overcomes together.
