How do you prepare your child for life, for society?

What advice do you give to your son? How do you prepare him for society, for life, for marriage and for being a dad? 

Today’s papers (by K.C. Vijayan) is about a son and his father. His father is Subhas Anandan. He was a tireless champion of pro bono work and president of the Association of Criminal Lawyers of Singapore. 

His most memorable cases included Anthony Ler (who murdered his wife in 2001), Took Leng How (who murdered an eight-year-old girl in 2004) and Leong Siew Chor (who killed his lover in 2005). 

Subhas passed away in 2015 at 67 and his legacy lived on in the hearts of many practitioners here. 

At that time, his son (Sujesh) was in his second year of law school (University of Nottingham) and he said, “Leaving my mother and me alone, that period was difficult.”

Sujesh has always wanted to work with his father, but his sudden demise took away that opportunity.

He is now working with his cousin, Sunil Sudheesan, doing largely criminal work, carrying his father’s legacy forward. No doubt, Sujesh has big shoes to fill. 

But having said that, Sujesh said that although his father wanted him to join him after law school, he wanted his son to chart his own path. 

In fact, Sujesh said: “Growing up, my father never put any sort of pressure on me to do law. He said, “You do whatever you want, just be a good person, that is important.”

Lesson? Just one. As a father with my own son, that is good advice. 

Needless to say, which father doesn’t want their children to be “a good person”. But, we should never take that as always a given. 

Some parenthood can wish for that, but take on a different pathway with their own conduct and speech. In other words, it is a case of doing more of what I say and less of what I do. 

Some parenthood is quite loaded pursued with divided messages. They do not hide their vicarious ambition for their children. They want them to strive to be up there in society, to get the best job and benchmark that by reminding them that wealth is a sure and only sign of success. 

With such success, they tell their kids that they will then earn the respect of their peers and society at large. They equate status and wealth with respect and affection. 

No doubt there is some truth to that, but there is also a certain shallowness and pretentiousness to that which prevents our children from living a life of authenticity, a life that they can take ownership and responsibility for. Most importantly, a life that would give them meaning beyond the endless pursuit of the glitters of this world. 

That is why Subhas’ advice to his son is a good reminder to us as parents to always keep our eyes on what is truly enduring and important for our children.

In the article, Vijayan reported that “in a 2014 interview with The Straits Times, when (Subhas) was struggling with heart and kidney disease, he said anybody could become a good lawyer with hard work.”

“But I want my son to be a good human being, not chasing after money all the time, and to show compassion to people less fortunate. I would have rather people say he’s a good man than he’s a good lawyer.”

I guess if my son is reading this now, I would like to tell him that being good at what he does is an achievement. And he should keep up the good work. 

But there is a difference with being efficient with one’s work and being a good person (although I don’t deny that often they do overlap). Nevertheless, the difference is played out more apparently in the different roles we take on in life. 

As a husband, being efficient is to be responsible, providing and planning for the family. But a marriage is more than that. It is more than just crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s. 

In many of the divorce cases, most husbands provided well for the family with their kids graduating from tertiary institutions.

A good husband however builds the relationship. He does not see the marriage as an obligation, but as a commitment. And he does not just see his role as an efficient provider, but a relationship builder. 

Ultimately, you can’t professionalize love or marriage, because a union of a lifetime goes beyond meeting quotas, instituting rules, delegating authority, and establishing lines of accountability. 

No doubt, such things have their place and time, but a good husband takes it up to the next level by making the effort to connect with his spouse. He makes sure that it is not just about a roof over her head, but a home where there is assurance, trust, hope and love. 

Likewise, at the workplace, my son should know that you can be hailed as an efficient corporate leader, but in getting to where you are, you leave a trail of broken lives, distrust and disillusionment, and the respect you receive is not because of the character you have demonstrated, but the fear and insecurity you have instilled (more like subservience than respect, to be honest). 

It is the same with religion, for when faith is professionalized, what you end up is a church which is obsessed with numerical and structural growth on the outside and less on growth within.

So, Subhas’ advice is worth repeating to our children. It is an advice that many take for granted. For the last thing we want for our sons and daughters is to encourage them to rush up the social ladder of life, and congratulate them when they reach the top only to find out that it has always been leaning on the wrong side of the wall. Cheerz.

Lessons from an Octogenarian.

When an octogenarian imparts his life lesson in the papers, you'd better listen. When that octogenarian is our very own diplomat extraordinaire Tommy Koh, you'd better take notes.

Turning 80 this November, Tommy Koh has a long history of serving the nation unwaveringly, even unconditionally. 

Like EW Barker, there is no area of public office that he has not already served with distinction. The list of public service in fact runs into realms of accolades.

In the papers today, he reflected on all those years in his coming 80 yrs old life's marathon, and he came up with three simple for our digest. They will form my three lessons here.

So, lesson? Three lah. 

1) Tommy Koh said: "My first observation is that success in life does not depend on who your parents are or the circumstances of your beginning."

If the mantra of self-improvement has a synopsis, a placard, a billboard for easy mental accessibility, that saying will be it. Tommy Koh cited three presidents, WKW, SR Nathan and Halimah Yacob, to bring home his first lesson.

All three come from humble backgrounds, two of them lost their father at a young age. They struggled to make ends meet with their family, and yet their perseverance bore great fruits when they became heads of state, their crowning achievement. 

He said: "My advice to young Singaporeans, especially those who come from poor or fractured families, is not to be fatalistic and feel defeated. The future is what you make of it. Work hard, think positive and seize the opportunities which come your way."

2) "My second piece of advice to young Singaporeans is to have a positive mindset, be willing to leave your comfort zones and take on new challenges."

Here Tommy Koh recounted how he left his comfort zone (a professor at NUS law in the 60s) to venture into foreign fields to become Permanent Representative to UN, to have led reputable think tanks like Institue of Policy Studies, National Arts Council, Asia Europe Foundation, to have chaired the Earth Summit and two dispute panels at WTO, and to have taken on the role of the UN General Secretary's special envoy - just to name a few.

He wrote: "My philosophy of life is to have a positive and optimistic mindset and can-do spirit. Life is a learning journey. I have enjoyed all the jobs given to me."

Lastly...finally,

3) "My third piece of advice to young Singaporeans is in the importance of making friends and building relationships." 

He went to talk about three kinds of intelligence: cognitive, emotional and cultural intelligence, with special emphasis on cultural intelligence because he was a foreign diplomat for decades, and he had to adapt to the many cultural nuances (mannerisms) of foreign territories and people. 

Tommy Koh concluded his three lessons: "First, the future is what you make of it. Do not feel that you have no chance in life because of your difficult circumstances. 

Second, have a positive mindset and be willing to leave your comfort zones and take on new challenges. 

Third, develop your cognitive, emotional and cultural intelligence and make lasting friendship."

That's his three lessons in a nutshell. If they feel familiar to you, well, you can't deviate too much from those three points. They are the cornerstone of a life well-lived. 

Success will beat a path to your door if you live up to those three lessons, and never give up.

You see, a positive mindset is a must in this world that is run by an animalistic instinct to profit self more than others. 

Then, we have the part about developing emotional and cultural intelligence to make the connection with fellow human beings. 

At one point in the papers, Tommy Koh reminded us to be modest and humble and respectful of others, because we think not just with our head but also our heart. 

Therefore, the connection must be made both intellectually and emotionally. 

And finally, not allowing circumstances to oppress you is another must because the reality is there are no free lunches, and the world is a blind circle of life, where the rich will often prey on the poor. 

Another raw reality in a world of about six billion people is that sometimes you need a little (if not a lot of) luck to succeed. 

And I guess if given a choice, bankers and investors like Warren Buffet and Wee Cho Yaw would rather have luck on their side at every crucial turn of the way than be working by the cold sweat on their brows alone all the way to their grave.

The problem is that you can't control luck, you can only control to some extent how prepared you will be when luck comes your way; if it comes your way. 

Further, you also need luck to recognise that you are lucky. Sometimes, we take so many things for granted (like family, friends, relationships) to blindly pursue our dreams that we not only lose our way, but we also can't differentiate what truly counts and is lasting from what is transient and passing. 

Alas, luck or being lucky is not a good lesson to impart because it is beyond one's control. You just can't lecture on luck because it requires you to be at the right place, at the right time and with the right people (or environment) to reap luck's bounty harvest. 

You just can't capture all that in a series of lecture or textbook.

So, let me end with what I started, that is, Tommy Koh's life lessons, and here is one reflective answer he gave in an interview:-

"My wife used to ask me: "Where would you like to spend your retirement years?" I would reply that I wish to work until I die and would like to die in the land of my birth. I have spent my whole life working for Singapore and, although I have never signed a bond of service, I feel bonded to Singapore...One of our founding fathers, Mr Rajaratnam, used to say that being a Singaporean is not a condition of one's birth but of one's conviction.""

There you have it. The best advice to live by amongst the many that successful people will give you all essentially boils down to that one word "conviction". 

Conviction counts. Without it, we are just sleepwalking thru life. Without passion, hope and belief, we will always be unhappy, self-tortured, and restless. Conviction is to happiness what love is to sacrifices. 

So if I would to leave a legacy for my children, it would be to remind them to live their life with conviction, to do what is right with conviction, to love and treasure with conviction, and to pursue their dreams with conviction. 

They may not always be lucky in life. But with conviction, with a belief that is unshakeable for what is good, worthy and virtuous, they will always be contented, fulfilled and happy regardless of the circumstances. Cheerz.

Stop telling our children to be religious!

Here’s a thought experiment. What if we stop telling our teenage children about being religious? Stop telling them that they have to go to Church on time. Never be late, not even a minute. God loves the early bird.

What if we stop telling them to dress up for Church or put on a smile when shaking the usher’s hand or when the pastor walks by. And stop telling them to perk up, sit up and pay attention to the sermon.

What if we stop telling them that they must join the youth ministry, sign up for church camp, bring the Bible when they enter the church premises, and sing out loud during praise and worship - and not just mouth the words (or for that matter, remind them to raise their hands when prompted by the song lyrics to do so).

What if, what we have been putting them through over the years – the routine, the regime and the drill – is what we want for them and not what they want for themselves? What if our teenage children are beginning to see the authenticity gap between what is projected consciously in Church and what is projected habitually at home? What if they are beginning to see that the only difference between you and your pastor is that the latter hides his flaws (brokenness) behind the pulpit while you hide yours at home?

Your growing teenager doesn't need to know how visible your Bible is in your hand, how early you arrive in Church, how close to the pulpit you have chosen your seat, how many times you do your quiet time during the week, how God repeatedly tells you He loves you, how many years you have been serving in a ministry, how many ways you think God is real to you and only you, how cocksure you are about His second coming in your senior pastor's lifetime because that's all he preached about, how that pulpit sermon last Sunday or that latest Christian book is without a doubt God-inspired and is the real thing until the next real thing comes along, how you have been blessed by God as compared to the atheists, how God talks to you - and only you - in his still small voice, how God heals unconditionally and yet the world is still as it is, how God will bless their studies, career and marriage unconditionally if they believe  and yet they are still struggling, and how they should follow God’s will even when you yourself haven’t the faintest idea what it is for them or yourself. Food for thought? Here’s more to digest…

Your children are growing in their own ways and their own time and they are discovering for themselves the grand mysteries/paradoxes of life. The last thing they need from you as their parents is to do a direct, context-deprived, experientially-lacking transplantation of your beliefs onto them and to insist that they suck it all up, unthinking. Most times, the ultimatum “mine house, mine rules” is a relationship killer, that is, a desperate attempt to put your foot down not only on the issue (because you can no longer defend the same with the same conviction as before), but on the poor young soul.

Now let's be clear. You are their parents. You have responsibility. You have to discipline them. You are a positive influence in their life, for all your life. That's all fine. That's given. That's candy-dandy. But my point goes deeper, if not a tad controversial. And it is this: Let's not be dogmatic about our belief. Let’s go beyond the form to the substance of it all. Let's dare to go deeper into the emerging core issues of their life where doubts, uncertainty, faithlessness, and unbelief are all struggling for an authentic voice, vision and ventilation, and not one blindly dictating the whys, the hows and the whens. 

Let's give the growing plant some sunlight. Let's not avoid exposing them to occasional winds of doubt, uncertainty and ambiguity. Let's not shrink- or bubble-wrap their faith. Let them decipher/solve their own life-puzzles, faith-codes and divine-mystery. Let's give them room to grow, to question, to seek, to reflect, to make mistakes, to doubt their faith and to have faith in their doubts. Because by sight, you can't tell the difference between a body choke and an embrace. They all look the same at first glance. But on closer scrutiny, one suffocates and the other encourages. One constricts and the other empowers. And one inhibits freedom and the other liberates.

So, as parents, we should let go and let's have some faith in them  to embrace faith in their own time. Let them explore, discover and learn on their own (on matters of belief and conviction). Don't assume more than you know. Don't try to convince them when you are not. Don't give the impression that you know better when you really don't (that is, on matters concerning miracles, death and afterlife, unanswered prayers, conditions of heaven, God's return in your lifetime and no other just because you are alive and the others are not, evolution of life, universe and time, the beginning of it all, and the physical proof of God). You may have your own opinion…let them develop their own.

The truth is - and this is difficult for the ultra-religious to accept - "you can't prove God in the flesh." Nobody can. And those who claim they saw (or heard) God are at best only able to "reproduce" Him in their deeds and not in the physical or tangible. God is highly personal, deeply subjective, and completely invisible to the naked eye. Nobody - and I mean nobody living in our generation or before - has been able to go before a crowd and proudly declare that God is with him now, and then God, the Creator of heaven and earth himself, gradually materializes out of thin air to the bewildered and speechless audience. At best, such feats are only captured in written ancient form in the long distant past and it is expected without question that the same should be taken with equal weight as  empirical scientific truths. 

So stop telling your children about being religious. Let them seek, knock, and find. Let them take this journey to their own crossroad or crossroads, and then unravel the mystery by and for themselves.

Your role is a facilitator, not a dictator. You inspire; not impose. You hold their hand; not chain it to your beliefs. You set the example; not cast the religious template in stone. They are your children; not your lost childhood made good or your stillborn dreams in the long forgotten past given a second chance.

I believe that each child is born with an innate spiritual compass and it points to the supernatural. It goes beyond the mundane and routine activities of their life. And it fulfills the core longing in their journey to discover and uncover enduring purpose and meaning over and above what the world can ever hope to offer.

Each of them has to take this step (their maiden voyage) to explore and discover for themselves when they come of age and this sacred quest cannot be imposed from the outside. It arises from within. It can only be nurtured at its own time. And the approximation of a lifetime may just be the duration it needs to come to full bloom. For how many descendants born of pastoral/parish families, religious strongholds and institutionalized faith communities initially seem fervor (and intransigent) in their practice of the faith (of their forefathers) that was foisted on them by the strictest of tradition, practice and indoctrination at the most innocent and vulnerable time of their youth where their personal autonomy is held as a ransom for unquestioned and compliant religious behavior just so that when they come of age and start to think for themselves, they also start to unravel and proceed from there with tormented resolution to reassess, resist and rebel against the years of indoctrination because they realize that they have been living the faith of their parents and not of their own and that they can call their own?

And when that time comes, when they have by their own choices (after painstakingly removing the overbearing weight of belief forced upon them in their youth) embarked on that journey to discover the meaning of all things, you can rest assured as their parents that they will be on time for church, dress up well, and pay attention to all things spiritual…because it’s what they want for themselves and that cannot be taken from them. That passion is inseparable from their conviction. And that is when they have truly grown in their faith, are unshakeable in their belief, and are resilient in the face of all doubts. Cheerz.