Goodbye Aloysius, Go to your Eternal Rest.

When we die, we are never forgotten. That much I know for sure. 

Memory extends the life in death. It gives it depth and scope. It gives it hope. That is, a hope that is personalised. A hope that reassures, quietly. A hope that consoles, deeply. 

Yes, it is in the newspapers today. Aloysius Pang has passed on. He succumbed to his injuries in a tragic training exercise last Saturday. 

He was “carrying out repair works inside a self-propelled howitzer with two other soldiers when he sustained injuries as the gun barrel was lowered.”

It was a blunt trauma injury and doctors round the clock tried their best to repair his damaged organs and they had to put Aloysius on artificial life support. 

Aloysius’ parents and brothers went to NZ, Hamilton, to stay by his side. And last night, they wrote: -

“Throughout the last few days at the hospital, it has been a difficult time for us. Every news that was brought upon us since his last op was devastating with little sign of hope on his recovery. We all broke down when the medical team spoke to us that his condition was worsening and we should be prepared for the worst.”

“We are going to lose a brother. And my parents are going to lose their precious son, who is only 28.”

SAF are making arrangements to send the body back from New Zealand. “Mindef and the SAF extend their deepest condolences to the family of CFC Pang and will continue to render assistance and support in their time of loss.”

Lesson? I trust death renders few lessons.

When a loved one dies, it is always a life you can’t let go, regardless of how old or young he or she is. More so, if he is young, with a life yet to be fully lived, and with dreams of living it to the fullest. 

So, I like to think that death is not much of a teacher. When it strikes, it has no time to impart anything intellectual. There is no academic gap to be filled. There is no time for that.

From an impersonal perspective, death takes, and takes sometimes without forewarning. So, the life we know is no longer there. As such, his used-to-be becomes our how-I-wish. 

Actress Carrie Wong said: “Why is it you again? but really, I want to say, it was my good fortune to have worked with you so many times. Thank you for always bringing sunshine to others. Always remember you. I’ll see you next time.”

Wishes against wishes, the dearly departed leaves behind an emotional void that is difficult to replace or fill. However much we wish for him to be around, we know he is gone. Our loved one is gone. 

His life-once-loved becomes our a-life-dearly-missed.

Mediacorp actor Desmond Tan commented: “Bro, you are an important chapter in all our lives. Nothing is wrong, just that you went ahead of us like you always do as a human and actor. We will see you in future.”

And fellow actor Shane Pow wrote on Instagram: “It wasn’t enough being brothers with you this life. Let’s be brothers again next life. I love you my big brother.”

Alas, while death is not much of a teacher at the time it happens, it is nevertheless a good renovator of the heart. Over time, we recover by taking old things out and putting new things in. 

We take out what is loss and put in what is remembered. We take out what is heartbreaking and put in what is memory-affirming. And we take out what is pain and sorrow in our life and put in what is hope for tomorrow as we carry on living courageously, which is what our loved one would have wanted. 

Seen in this light, death is not a cessation of a life; it is however a continuation of one life in another, the two in one, with renewed hope and strength. And the candle of a life passes on from one to another, burning even brightly, but never wholly expires. 

And if there is ever a lesson here, if I can squeeze one in, it would be the most important lesson of all: Take no one for granted. 

I may not know Aloysius personally, but I can feel his parents’ and brothers’ loss because I too have loved ones. So, while I do not experience their loss intimately, I can imagine it personally. 

And anyone reading this knows that death comes to all, sometimes it comes most untimely. 

Yet, regardless of its timing, we are never fully prepared for it because the void our loved one leaves behind is a space of the heart without defined boundaries. The pain therefore cannot be deftly contained. 

So, while we have the opportunity, while they are still alive, we should always treat them with the following in mind: -

1) Nothing is so serious that you can’t forgive and to let them know that they are truly forgiven.

2) Nothing is so disappointing that you can’t restore and to do so with an assurance that is empowering. 

And,

3) Nothing is promised to last forever even when one thinks there is still time. So, take the opportunity given to you, wherever you are, in whatever you are doing, to let your loved ones know that you love them and love them above all things, and above all earthly pursuits.

Midlife crisis?

In life, you will come to a crossroad, eventually. You will be looking back at where you stand, with marriage, career, family and religion in tow, and ask yourself: "Is that all?"

Some may call this a midlife crisis. Others may call it the wilderness experience. Still others may just want to quietly wallow in it without labeling it. They have essentially resigned to the stalemate as they live their life on autopilot.

I had a few of these moments when I looked back and asked, "Is that all?", "Am I happy?”, "What is life about?" and "To what end?" I then counted my blessings thus far like career, marriage, and children, and I think to myself, "Can I do better?" "Am I satisfied?" and "What's holding me back?"

If anything, I fall under the majority category of the "just getting by" or the "wishing there is more" or the "hoping for a break".

But then, one morning on my way to work, I realized that my crossroad is not a dead-end, not a cul-de-sac. My midlife is not a crisis. It is on the contrary a gentle reminder, a call to celebrate life - not dread it. There is indeed more to life, and my questioning of it is really normal, expected even. In other words, my journey is not done yet as the saying goes, “In the end, it will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end.”

However, what is not normal is this: I fall into the trap of magical thinking. We are all guilty of it one way or the other. Magical thinking expects magical things to happen in our life. It is easy to spot it.

In a marriage, magical thinking expects that everything will fall into place sooner rather than later. It psyches us up for a relationship that will not disappointment. Once the vows are exchanged, the work is done, the pursuit is over, the relationship will just gather momentum, and we can rest on our laurels.

But that will not happen. Our expectation will be crushed sooner or later. Things don't just fall into place in a marriage. Marriage is hard work. There will be disappointment – some are even heart wrenching. There will be second thoughts just when you thought you have thought it through. And there will be silent tears for freedom lost, a requiem for a youth forgotten, and a soft mourning for dreams that could have been.

And when the children comes, trust me, some of their shit will hit the fan. Your worries are endless, at least it seems that way. You worry about their growth and health, their school and their next hell, and their life and well-being.

Next comes career. The magical thinking here is to expect to score big in your job. Like parting of the red sea, we expect all obstacles will part for us. We expect our bosses to somehow like us. We expect promotion to come like day follows night. We expect not only to make ends meet, but to have enough to run it a few rounds over.

But marriage and career don't bend over backwards for us. They are not fairy tales that comes with a happy-ever-after ending. Just like religion and our faith, going to church, serving a ministry and going for a short mission trip to evangelise in remote villages don't automatically translate into a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

What makes magical thinking a misleading notion is how we busily chase one rabbit hole after another without taking the time to go deep into each venture or engagement. It is essentially a-mile-wide and an-inch-deep mentality.

We rush from one goal to another - be it marriage, career choices and starting a family, even joining a ministry in church - without allowing ourselves to be transformed by them in meaningful ways.

Take a marriage for example. A marital relationship takes a lifetime to nurture, but we get bored after the first few years. At first, everything seems exciting. But subsequently, we are looking for new thrills. Magical thinking will not tolerate repeated disappointments.

But the disappointments are not the result of loving the same person. It is the result of our failing to develop that love, that connection. Indeed, we do not need multiple new relationships to fill our days. We just need to find new ways to enjoy that one relationship in order to deepen the connection.

Likewise at work, wherever we are, know that we are making a difference. We are a witness in the public square. Our words and conduct count. They are like seeds planted in the hearts of our colleagues, clients and bosses, which will bloom in due season. And we grow when we meet challenges with fortitude and resilience.

Of course there will be days when we feel like throwing in the towel. We need to admit that, recalibrate, renew the passion, and persevere forward. Time and tide may wait for no man, but over time, our industry will pay off. Eventually, we will overcome even the strongest of tides. In the end, all will be okay.

This brings me to this so-called midlife crisis. As I have said earlier, it is a call to celebrate life. To celebrate where we have arrived so far, the distance travelled, and to map out where we will be going.  


In the beginning years, we may be looking for a footing in our career. So be it. We will have to burn the midnight oil, stay late, and work hard. That's expected.

But there will come a time, and we owe it to ourselves to identify that crossroad, where the focus will have to change. We will still have to support the family with bills to pay and mouths to feed. But the main draw for living is not in the acquisition of things, title or fame, but in redirecting most of our effort inward. It is in connecting with things beyond this world, that is, a metanarrative that is spiritual, faith-inspired and non-materialistic.

From the tangible to the intangible, from the material to the inspirational, and from the pursuit of things to the seeking of significance or meaning, our journey is a growth process where we let go of one goal to embrace another, where we make choices that expand our estate to making choices that deepen our relationships, character and our search for the meaning of life. 

Let me end with the unassuming life of the priestly leader Samuel. He was born from the earnest travailing of his loving but barren mother, Hannah. God honored her prayers and she in turn dedicated his life to Him.

Samuel lived in quiet submission to God's calling, interceding and standing in the gap for the people.  But his life was earmarked by four major events - three of which would end up to be heartbreaking for him.

As a boy, his mother gave him over to be trained under the prophet Eli. He started with opening doors and sweeping floors. As such, he must have seen the deeds of Eli's two sons at the gates where they abused their power and seduced women assisting at the entrance of the Tabernacle.

One day, God told Samuel to confront his mentor Eli about his two wayward sons. Although Eli rebuked them, they did not change. But Samuel nevertheless respected and deferred to his mentor, and continued to serve faithfully in the place where he was called.

After Eli and his sons passed away, Samuel was the next in line. But his people rejected his leadership and asked for a king to rule over them. One of the reasons for rejecting Samuel was that his own two sons were corrupt and they did not want to come under their subsequent rule. This must be devastating for Samuel. Imagine your own unwavering faithfulness was lost on your sons. This was to be his second heartbreak.

Directed by God, Samuel then chose Saul who was described in 1 Samuel as impressive and a head taller than others. Appearance definitely played a part in the choice. But like Eli's sons and his own, king Saul turned out to be a disappointment. He too disobeyed God and this time, God rejected Saul. Samuel was then told to anoint another king. He was further told to look beyond appearance and into one's heart.

Imagine that the king that you have groomed and loved turning against you like your own sons. This was to be Samuel’s third and final heartbreak.

His last act of faith was to enter Jesse's household to anoint the future king. Out of Jesse’s eight children, God led him to pick a shepherd boy, the youngest and the less promising of the lot.

Alas, Samuel did not live long enough to see the fruits of his labor and faithfulness. But after three major disappointments, King David  turned out to be a king after God's own heart.  He would unite Israel, prosper her and set a lineage path to Calvary to usher in the one whose kingdom is not of this world. It would be a kingship of the heart.

Samuel’s life taught me one thing about the many crossroads of our life. Every one of his was a failure or a betrayal of some sort. Eli’s sons, his own and his handpicked protégée broke his heart repeatedly.

Yet, Samuel kept the faith and hope alive. He neither murmured nor lost heart. He submitted to God, remained faithful, interceded and obeyed to the end. For in the end, I believe Samuel kept this scripture in his heart: “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Alas, not every crossroad in our life comes with an explanatory note. Tragedy does not undo a man if his heart is set on eternity. His understanding may be limited, but what makes hope resilient and faith enduring is a life that looks beyond the here and now for the things eternal. Cheerz.