Love at millennial's crossroad.

 

They dated for 10 years mostly on a long distance relationship. He’s Singaporean. She’s a Thai national. He’s 32. She’s 31. Her mother was a diplomat and his father a shipping manager. They tied the knot in 2019.

 

The husband, Jeremy Lim, said: “Marrying Parada was one of the best decisions in my life.” And theirs is not the usual walk down the aisle. 

They met “as high school students in an international school in Nairobi, the capital of Kenya, but became a couple only after they graduated from the school and while living in different countries.” (reports Theresa Tan and Goh Yan Han). 

Parada Sritaragul is a high flyer, academic wise. She holds a masters in Communication Science from University of Vienna, Austria, and was also offered the chance to do a PhD at the University of Vienna. Jeremy has a degree from UniSIM.

But Jeremy told her that the PhD course would have taken about five years and he said: “I wouldn’t deny her all the things she wanted to do but I told her we are getting older.” 

Jeremy then threw in the love bait, so to speak. “I asked her if she would come to Singapore to live for one year.” She did, and one year later, they signed on the dotted marital line. 

Parada said: “We had been together for so long. And it’s really hard to find someone who understands me and who I can have a good conversation with. Jeremy really put in a lot of effort to keep our relationship alive.” 

Lesson? Well, I wish them well. I pray that their marriage will not be just about the honeymoon, but also about how they will come together even stronger and deeper in love when confronting the dark side of that so-called honeymoon. Because a lifetime union is not always a bed of roses. The thorns prick too, especially when you least expect it, for longer than you expect it. 

In their story of love, there is a part that caught my attention. “When people around Thai national Parada Sritaragul learnt that she was marrying a Singaporean church worker, they asked if she was bothered that he earned less than her.”

“They even told Ms Sritaragul...an account manager at a marketing communications agency in Singapore, that she could probably find a better match than her husband.”

This is what Parada said: “In Thai culture, the husband is supposed to earn more than the wife. And many Thais feel that when you marry a foreigner, he is really rich.”

“They always say I can do better than Jeremy. I say I can make my own living. I did not marry for money.”

I like the part when she said “I make my own living. I did not marry for money.” There is some truth there. Love bridges the gap right? 

At this juncture, I wonder, if I should pen a short letter about how I should advise young married couples on this journey to a union of one soul, body and mind, what would it be? 

Off the top of my head, I can only think of one word, reality. Here’s how I would scribe it. 

“Dear whoever’s reading this, Congrats, you guys made it! It is a day you have been waiting for, for the most part of your early developing years on earth at least. I can imagine my daughter (or son) walking down that same aisle and I too feel the joy in my heart, for them and for you. 

Marriage is indeed a milestone in a person’s life. It is one’s endearing idea of an ideal coming into reality. That wedding night is where that ideal fully blooms. It is meant to be unforgettable. It was designed that way.

Yet, in a society with one of the highest costs of living and one that is highly competitive, marriage has to face facts too. Unless you have regular stable support from your parents, you guys have to stand on your own two feet. 

And when the kids come, you have to anchor that footing to weather the perfect storm of parenthood, career and finances. That’s the dark side of the moon for you. 

Love often comes in here. It is a bond with a history and a future, depending on how realistic you guys are. Pls note that idealism without reality is flighty, and reality without idealism is weighty. You want the best and balance of both to make it through the marital rain. 

And the meteorological reading in this uncharted landscape is that it will come, and mind you, not always in the form of showers of blessings. So, brace yourself for some occasional heavy drenching. 

As I said before, love is the bridge. It ought to bridge the gap. It’s your first port of call. Nothing else can take her place. Not power, fame or money. For even if you marry into unimaginable wealth, a smooth union is no guarantee. Look at Prince Harry and Princess Markle, and I am sure you get the drift. 

Love is really what you make out of it. The light of love is that first promise to keep, and as long as you fight to keep that promise, and put it first at all times, you will find the path to walk together that will lead you to a lifetime of marital maturity and growth. 

Alas, that may sound idealistic, but trust me, keeping that first promise is going to test you to the core. It’s no academic test. It is the exam of a lifetime. That’s also where idealism rubber meets the reality road. 

So yes, reality is what’s needed to add salt to the years and light to the road. And at times, after some time, you will find yourself in a valley all alone, indulging in second and third thoughts. That’s only human, and marriage doesn’t make you less so. 

But pls don’t underestimate such valley moments, or misread them. They carry the message that love is demanding of you. She is asking you to shed the naivety, grow up and renew the commitment. If marriage has one definition, it would be to guard and protect that first promise against all temptations, distractions and disillusionment. Recall idealism without reality is flighty?

Ok, I will end here. In a short letter, I can’t cover everything. No matter how you read it, it is still words, in digital print. But the marriage vows are words too, confessed no less. Yet, I recall that in some beginning of time, a word became flesh and lived amongst us. I think that is where idealism comes alive, that is, when it is enfleshed and live the spirit of love out in full, over time, for all time.

I thus wish exactly that in your marital journey. A journey where love not only bridges the gap, shines the light, but also opens doors for resilience, reconciliation and renewal to bloom. 

Signed off,

Mike.”

 

Father's Day - Lessons from our founding father.

Father's Day ironically comes smacked in  the middle of  a family saga that has captured the wildest imagination of a nation.

It has been a social media war, and there seems to be no closure to the family feud. In fact, as I write this post this morning, one of the siblings and his wife have plans to pack up and leave Singapore. Even the Deputy PM and the  Law Minister have been roped in with their political pyjamas still on.

Things have sadly come to a point where not only dirty linens are left hanging and swaying  in public, it has also attracted international attention and risks discrediting a nation's standing in the eyes of the world at large.

Their late father, LKY,  often talked about knocking some sense into stubborn heads, but the only problem is that he is no longer around to do it. Neither is his wife around to stanch the bleeding.

Alas, at this point, it is hope that passing time and good sense will ultimately prevail to bring about some closure to an otherwise  uncomplicated testamentary request that has unexpectedly rocked the whole nation and broken the peace (and legacy) of those who have passed on. 

But feud or not, this morning is Father's Day and it is a good time to reflect about what fatherhood means in the midst of what is happening locally and the world, especially the increasing divorce and delinquency rates and the new  spin on marriage where same-sex couples are making fatherhood optional in some cases.

Being a father of three, the Lee saga and the way the world is changing has taught me to never lose sight of what is important in a family.

Here, I take my lessons from the founding father of our nation.

LKY is not only a consummate statesman, he also has some sound advice on family and marriage. Notwithstanding the current sibling rivalry, LKY has set a good example when it comes to fatherhood, consistent love and covenantal commitment to his wife and children.

Now, in some political corners of Singapore, his authoritarian rule may have given his critics some causes for discontent. But when it comes to his marriage, the same critics would be hard pressed to disagree with me that theirs had been a resilient, loving and enduring union for more than six decades.

And the first lesson I learn from LKY about fatherhood is captured in these words.

"There's a Chinese phrase which goes: if you look after yourself, you look after the family...the first thing to do is to look after yourself and be a gentleman. That's the basic requirement. Every individual should try to aspire to be a gentleman."

A good father is a gentleman, and Confucius once told his student that "the proper gentlemen is just like beautiful flowers hidden in deep forest. That no one is there to smell them does not take away their fragrance. The same applies to the learning of a gentleman; he does not learn in order to be known (or be famous). Thus, in extreme straits, he will not be vexed; in times of anxiety, his purpose will not diminish."

Taking from the sages' cue, a father like a gentleman never does anything to put himself first. His family always comes first and his priorities are aligned to advance, protect and nurture their interests.

He is the head of the household not as a dictator or overlord, but as a wise servant, a vigilant gatekeeper, who is constantly learning along the way because he can never be fully prepared for fatherhood. Every child that comes his way will stretch him in different ways and teach him different lessons. 

A father is thus never vexed or troubled by the feeling that he is not getting enough credit for his contribution because the happiness of his family as a whole is what keeps him going and going with purpose and a quiet sense of fulfillment.

His personal feelings are dealt with by looking at the larger scheme of things over the long arc of time, which he knows with deep assurance that it eventually bends towards flourishing relationships.

The second lesson I learn about fatherhood is when LKY was asked in an interview for his book, "What would you say is the secret to a long and happy marriage?"

To which, he replied, "First of all, we accommodated each other. There was nothing we fundamentally disagreed on. She knew my quirks and I knew her eccentricities."

This is the best gift we can give to our children - that is, our marriage. For this reason, Father's Day should more appropriately be called "Marriage Day."  

And mind you, our children are not blind to our domestic quarrels, cold wars and hostile body language. They happen to live a significant (growing) part of their lives under our roof, remember? As such, they are often affected by what they see around them - the good, the bad and the ugly.

So, as fathers, we must not allow the sun to go down on our anger, ego and stubbornness. We are called the man of the house because we take the initiative to resolve an argument, offer an apology and heal the wounds of the heart (not just bring the bacon home). When the occasion calls for it, we man up by putting our pride aside for the sake of family, for the sake of harmony. 

LKY once said that he never believed in love at first sight because appearances are superficial. It is what a person conscientiously cultivates from within him/her that makes the enduring difference. And it takes the institution of marriage to process, nurture and grow the fruits of our character as we learn to love and treasure our wife through understanding, patience and sacrifice.

So, a happy and resilient marriage does not happen overnight or by the sway of emotional might or under the hypnotism of love at first sight.

A good marriage - as a priceless gift and legacy to our children - comes about through sticking together as lovers, partners and parents even in the toughest of times like LKY and his wife did for theirs. And in the process where iron sharpens iron, the couple grow stronger together over the years. 

Needless to say, the father takes the lead here to do everything within his power, maturity and integrity to preserve and protect the sanctity of marriage.

That's what Father's Day is all about, that is, always taking the initiative to advance the goals of the marriage covenant  because it is this timeless covenant that breathes joy and meaning into the roles and purposes of Fatherhood.

My third and last lesson on fatherhood is again taken from the reply of LKY in the same interview. He was asked, "When you look over your life, your political life and your personal life, what gives you the greatest sense of satisfaction?"

He said, "That I've lived my life to the fullest. Given the circumstances, I did my best in politics. I did my best to bring up a family, which I could not have done alone. My wife did most of the nurturing...My children were brought up as normal ordinary children."

We fathers must never forget that we are not called to be perfect, or more appropriately, to be perceived by our children as such. Whatever image we are desirous to project to our children, they will one day realize that we are just as flawed and broken as them. The truth may hurt first, before it sets us free.

The best we can do as fathers is to live our life in all areas to the fullest. And living to the fullest here doesn't necessarily mean that we will end up wealthy or famous. If anything, living to the fullest is primarily relational and not material.

Alas, it is never easy to be the good dad at all times. We may lose our composure, overreact over the smallest infraction, take our children for granted, say things we regret, preach more than we practise, slack on some values we demand without compromise from them, occasionally break our promises and magnify their faults more than is necessary.  

However, notwithstanding the errors of our ways as fathers, we must never forget that fatherhood is a learning journey, and we learn as much from our children as they are learning from us. The student-teacher's role is never so clear cut. 

And at the end of the day, if we live our life in such a way that our children are assured that we  will always be dependable and responsible and that we will always be there for them when they need us, we will then have done our best in this transforming journey called fatherhood. Cheerz.

How do you prepare for life?

Last week, I wrote my thoughts on the upcoming book by Mrs. Jennifer Yeo entitled "I want to marry you but...A Marriage Guide For The Young Adult."

Today's paper revisited her book and her thoughts about marriage. When she met George Yeo (as he was then a Major), she asked him point-blank, "Are you single?" George was a little taken aback by her directness.

Jennifer recalled why she approached her future husband that way: "I just needed ascertain whether he was engaged or married because you never know. As a law student, I had come across cases of people two-timing all the time."

The papers report this about the object of her book: "Having weathered the storms herself, and seen some nasty break-ups in her work as a family lawyer, Mrs. Yeo wants to impart to young people the importance of being prepared for the most important relationship of one's life."

Lesson? Just one. How do you prepare for life, for the right partner for life? How do you control it?

While some things you can predict, others defy prediction. The sun will rise. It will set. It's clockwork. But how do you predict her heat, the intensity of her shine, her brightness?

How about the moon? Yes, she is always there. That much you know for sure. That much you are certain. When a day ends, the moon emerges. It is a simple but elegant competition of lights.

But how do you predict her visibility? How high or low will the tides be? How sure are you that it would be a cloudless sky? Surely you can't tell where the wind will blow right? You can't tell how fast it will blow over, and for how long.

In the same way that you can't prepare for life by planning to the minutest detail, you can't prepare yourself for a sunny or rainy day.

Nothing in life bends to your will. Not a fortune. Not a tragedy. Not an inheritance. Not a calamity.

Life is clockwork as to the days left in it. It moves in a predictable clockwise direction. Day in and day out. 24 hours. 365 days. Decades and centuries. They move in circles. Unless the sun refuses to shine or the orbits run awry, nothing changes.

But the events in each life moves in unpredictable "anti-clockwise" direction. It messes up the best laid plans.

While time moves steadily forward, the events that happen in it may stop, reverse or speed up time for you. It's all relative remember?

A shock can happen in a second, but transforms you for a lifetime. A sorrow can last a lifetime, but all it takes is a second to change your perspective completely.

Pain can pause time. Hope can stretch time. Joy can deepen time. And love can fulfill time.

They all move in anti-clockwise direction and they give no warning of what is to come. You deceive yourself if you think you are in control of either direction when both of them clash to defy all expectations.

So, how do you prepare for life then? How do you bend it to your expectations? You don't. You can't.

You can plan. Make a fortune early. Retire at 30. Fortify your wealth. Take care of your health. Control your diet. Sleep 8 hours. Rest and relax. Distance yourself from the mindless stress. Meditate. Count sheep, listen to waves, imagine peace.

You can do all that, but life like the sunlight and moon's tides still do not bend to your will. Even the POTUS will face circumstances beyond his control. No one is all powerful that he can determine how every minute and second will play out in his life.

An event unexpected can change your life for good. Even an event expected may change it forever.

Be it for good or bad, you can't prepare for them with plans, flow charts, statistics, decision tree or a measuring tape.

Mind you, this is not a call to give up preparing for life. It is however a call to let go of things you can't control. There is a difference between planning for retirement and believing that all things will proceed like clockwork thereafter.

There is a difference between planning for your kids' future by saving up and ensuring that he or she will turn up the way you want him or her to be (that is, marry the right one, their kids will bloom as planned, and so on). And there is a difference between planning for marriage and expecting the passion of the wedding night will somehow work itself out.

In the end, for each new day, the best attitude beats any prediction and planning you can muster. Resilience is your best bet against trauma, disappointment and pain. Hope is your best vaccine against despair beyond your control.

Gratitude is your best immunity against envy and bitterness. Joy is your best medicine against tragedy of life. Faith is your best anchorage for a life of meaning. And finally, love is the only living stream you will ever need to know your center, to stand by what is important, and to live a legacy your children will always be proud of. Your strength will forever be their strength. Cheerz.

A love note to my wife on our 16th anniversary.

Dear Anna, the years have not been kind. 16 years together grows you up whether you like it or not. As your husband, I feel I am still struggling with myself. My impatience followed me from the altar and walked with me through the years like a side-piercing swell. It still demands my attention and it wants you to know it with an agitation I'm sure you know it well. Because of that, my infernal companion, we had our fair share of quarrels, our lovers' spat, our heaven and hell.

But unlike those rough beginnings, when we were still adjusting, I dare say our marriage is more mature now. It has grown somewhat - once lost, now found. It is able to remind us of things we cannot live without. And by dropping hints here and there, our love has become more resilient, more sound.

It reminds us of how far we have come. The years of togetherness. The roller-coaster rides. The ups and the downs.  They all just add up. They all count a whole lot. While faithfulness may be a game some play by hopping from one marital bliss to another at a hint of passing pheromone, that's not us.

We treasure our simple devotion. We relish that physical touch. We kiss in sweet remembrance. We make a point to respect our feelings, wishes and wants. Although we do clash sometimes, especially when it comes to religion, we know deep down that our love is more religious than the faith and its tradition.

Our love embraces routine. It believes beyond the seen. It trusts and hopes that every argument would draw us closer and not pull us apart. It moves us deep within with a desire to give in and not to win. It perseveres under trial. It goes the extra mile. It cannot imagine a world without either. It is in fact from another. For indeed the blessings of faithfulness is the faithfulness of its blessings.

Another marital reminder is the synergy of our loins. Together, two imperfect souls intertwined, innocent and fumbling, we made life possible, the sweetest of divine. Daring nakedness and shame, we joined both hearts and bodies and were lost in time. And from this union yields three adorable lives: one is all grown up, the other is still resisting growing up, and the last one, we both wish would never.

Alas, our life will not be the same again. With each passing miracle, three in fact, our horizon widens, our love pours in, and our joy is complete. All passion was not in vain.

My dear, we have come to many full circles in our marriage before. In our squabbles and our cold wars, we always return to the safe harbor where it matters the most after all. That safe harbor is our enduring affection for each other and empowered by three lives we have produced in the deepest intimacy ever. That is what makes every year counts in our marriage. And as we grow in love and faithfulness, we also grow in strength, hope and resilience.

So happy 16th anniversary Anna. My companion for life. My dear wife. Love hubby, yours always, and you mine. Cheerz.