Danielle Lim - the wrestling champion of and for life.

Sometimes, you can pack a lifetime of lessons in the overcoming struggles of one young life. Reported by Jolene Ang, the life of national wrestler Danielle Lim, is quite a ride. She is 22, yet she has gone through a lot. 

First, it was her abusive father. He “had a fiery temper, inflamed by alcoholism, and was abusive towards his wife and three children.”

Danielle recalled once when she and her brother were squabbling “over some jelly they had dropped on the floor”. Their father flew into a rage and told them to “lick the jelly off the floor, and go downstairs to the basketball court and stand there as punishment, even though it was raining really heavily.”

In 2005, her father left them and her mother, a Filipino, on a long-term social visit pass, was left to be the sole breadwinner. She had to work at Dunkin’ Donuts to support the family. 

Second, it’s about her brother. They were close. He is four years older. He had always protected her from their father, shielding her from the beatings. That relationship sadly also soured in 2015, when she had to report him to the police. 

“He was constantly stealing from his family members, be it a cellphone, a laptop or even hard-earned savings, and then one day he brought drugs home.” That was the last straw. It took a lot of courage and conviction for Danielle to report him, because he was always her hero. 

Third, it was her studies. It is about how she got to where she is today, a national wrestler. 

In St. Anthony’s Canossian Secondary School, Danielle was “consistently bottom of her cohort, though she was an active student athlete who represented the school in sports, including track and field and handball.”

Her mother, Ms Claire Berani, 52, however said this about her: “This girl is very independent. When she wants to do something, she doesn’t stop until she gets it done. She always tells me, “Mum, don’t worry, I’ll give you a good life some day.”

Danielle’s life took a good turn at 16. Before that, she admitted that it was all about fun. “I had no aims or goals and I didn’t know what I wanted in life. Breaking the rules made me feel there was something in my life I could have control over.”

After that, she was determined to do well for her N levels. “Everyday, she arrived at school when it opened at 5:30 am and stayed until the gates closed.” Her hard work paid off and she got 18 points for N levels. 

Despite being advised to go to ITE, saying it was “more suited” for her, Danielle chose to continue with Sec 5 to do her O levels. “I was stubborn. The more they said I couldn’t take the O levels, the more I wanted to do it. I told myself that if I put my heart and soul into it, I could succeed.”

And again she did it, She scored 12 points and went to Republic Polytechnic “where she studied sports coaching.” It was there that she discovered her passion for wrestling. She won her first medal soon after and went on “to represent Singapore at nine competitions in countries including China and Thailand. She has won six medals.”

Not just that, Danielle also garnered Singapore Olympic Foundation-Peter Lim Scholarship, and a SIT scholarship, amongst other scholarships. She is now studying at SIT, doing her first-year physiotherapy. 

Lesson? Let’s face it, Danielle’s story is not our story. Ours is different; facing circumstances that are different. That much goes without saying. 

In any event, Danielle still has a long way to go. She is only 22. But somehow I believe she has more in her to wrestle life for a win come what may, and in whatever form or substance they may come by. 

They say when you wrestle a gorilla, you don’t give up when you are tired. You only give up when the gorilla is tired, or done. That mirrors life in general well, and borrowing Danielle’s words, “(my) life experiences have taught (me) to focus on the things (I) can control, as long as I don’t stop trying, I can succeed.”

Recall I said earlier that you can pack a lifetime of lessons in one young life and Danielle’s story (thus far) does not end there. Remember her abusive father? Well, he came back. 

Danielle has made up with her father, who went through a colon cancer scare. Danielle said: “He thought he was going to die and he wanted to apologise to us before it happened.”

“There’s still a barrier between us, we don’t talk much. But I’ve forgiven him. After all, he’s the one who gave me this life.”

As for her brother, she has not spoken to him since she reported him to the police five years ago. She said that “they are in different places and we see the world differently.”

Alas, that about sums up a lifetime of lessons right? You may be 22 or 82, but in Danielle’s story, you can distill the essence of a life. 

While it is often said that behind a successful man is his wife, but universally speaking, behind every life that never gives up is a relationship that never left. 

When Danielle told her mother this, “Mum, don’t worry, I’ll give you a good life some day,” her mother said: “Keep going, I’m always behind you, never give up.” And that is what I mean about summing up life’s lessons, and yes, it is about a love that never let go and a heart that draws strength from it and never gives up. 

Indeed, behind every successful life is a relationship that goes the distance, and bring you with her/him, come what may. 

Ultimately, you are the richest person in this world when you have such relationship. Because, with such relationship, like a candle, you can rely and rest on it to light up other lives. You can also forgive those who have hurt you. You can trust that the brother you have lost will one day come back. And you can love life back to such extent that you want to go all the way, because love never gave up on you, so why should you then give up on yourself.

So believe it, you need just one relationship that believes in you, and you will know deep inside that you not only have a safe harbour to return to when you are broken and lost, but you also have a guiding star at night to light the way for you to be a blessing to others. 

That is enduring wealth - a richness that can never be lost to this world.

 

The moral courage to live.

The courage to live. The courage to thrive. The courage to stand up for what is right. That is moral courage to me. 

I need such reminder to keep me anchored on what is unshakeable. It is a reminder to affirm my humanity, because what is at stake is this, what am I living for?

I know life is made up of many crossroads. Each one of them is unique to me, unique to my life’s stages and the circumstances I have to confront. 

No two crossroads are alike. I delude myself to underestimate one just because I have overcome the one before. That’s hubris, and courage is rooted in the humility of my humanity, not having any delusion about it. 

I need courage most when I think I need it the least. The courage to live is a given, but I tend to forget that not all the time do I think life is worth living. 

And those moments where life and death struggle for existential space, the gap is bridged by courage. It is the courage found in perspective that is not a given. And I should never take that for granted. 

Then, there is the courage to thrive, to go beyond living to meaning, to go beyond existing to impacting, and to go beyond hoping to planting, sowing and reaping. 

There is however a sinister pathway for the courageous on this route. Many lose their way not for the lack of courage, but for the abuses of it. 

They mistake blind ambition for courage. They mistake short term gains at the expense of long term consequences for courage. And they mistake the use of power for personal convenience for courage. They thus make excuses for being bold just so as to avoid the cost of being honest. 

Alas, to be guided by courage is to surrender to it when it matters most. And this leads me to the courage to do what is right.  That is another crossroad that comes in spades. 

It may just be a decision away, but that distance can only be covered by courage. That is, by a courage that is prepared to stand alone. By a courage that is prepared to sacrifice pleasure and fame. And by a courage that is prepared to admit one is wrong and make amends, whatever the price.

I have therefore learned that to live for a lasting legacy is to live with courage, moral courage. And even if I should fall, even if I should side with cowardice, I can still make things right by changing course with courage as my journey’s companion. 

For we know a life is not too long we should take for granted, and not too short we should take for a ride. To each is a sacred responsibility, and to our loved ones, we must strive to pass down a legacy driven by a life of courage. 

That is what makes courage so acessible to my soul, because courage is not the fabled strength as that of Samson. But it is that seed to be cultivated faithfully, and demonstrated most boldly when David confronted Goliath, and when I confront mine.

Life is real.

Life is real. It is not an abstract. It is real. It is real because your pain is real. The pain you feel is yours and no one else. 

You can’t describe it to anyone better than how you are feeling about it. No one is able to understand it better than you. 

You know where it hurts. You know how long it hurts. You know how deep it hurts. That is how real it is. That’s why life is real. It is real because every pain you go through is real. 

Nobody can tell you how to feel the pain. Most time, they don’t have the slightest idea. What they claim they know about your pain doesn’t even come close. Your pain is yours to own. 

And when it comes, and trust me it will, don’t brush it aside. Don’t dismiss it. Don’t pretend it is not there. It does not disappear just because you wish it away. Your denial of it doesn’t make it go away. 

Eventually, your pain demands your attention because your experience with it counts. And it counts because it does not come empty handed. There is always a message in your pain. The message is tailor-made just for you, just for that occasion. 

You may bear your pain with a heavy heart, but it is not there to torment you. It is not there to overwhelm your heart. It only seeks an honest dialogue, pleading for a solitary union with you. 

I will not deny that your pain will hurt. Like a knife, it can cut deep. Your initial reaction is thus expected, even at times justified. You are human after all. Your stolid face cannot hide the bleeding heart within for long.

But when you join your heart with pain, you must go beyond the hurts, go beyond the grief, the disappointment and resignation. Like day and night, like the rising and setting of the sun, it is always darkest just before a brand new day breaks. 

Don’t live in the shadow of pain and never have the courage to step into its light. Its season changes when you take the leap of faith. So, make your pain a soul-searching journey and not a soul crushing one. Join pain in this journey of self-discovery and strengthen your heart with purposeful healing. 

If I should end now, I’ll leave you with one word: Gethsemane. In Hebrew, it means oil press. In Aramaic, it refers to a place on a hillside covered with olive trees.

At a time before his total surrender, Jesus told his disciples that his soul is sorrowful unto death. He knew what pain was, he knew it with shuddering horror. At that time, he was not courting death, he was courting love. And love called him to the ultimate sacrifice.

It was in Gethsemane that you will witness the darkest of one’s soul, its pitch blackness before dawn. Crushed by grief, Jesus threw himself onto the ground and prayed. 

His prayer revealed the message in his pain and grief. “Father, if possible remove this cup from me, yet, not what I want, but what you want.”

It was not by virtue of Jesus’ divinity that he overcame. No miracle however great could remove the cup from him. It was however the overcoming of his humanity by virtue of obedience and love that he stepped into the light and confronted the Cross. 

So life is real. So too is your pain. And in your pain, there’s always a message. The message is a call to Gethsemane. A call to struggle. A call to obedience. A call to surrender. And a call to overcoming. 

For you can never extract the oil from olive without pressing and crushing it until the fragrance is finally released. Amen.

Lessons from an Octogenarian.

When an octogenarian imparts his life lesson in the papers, you'd better listen. When that octogenarian is our very own diplomat extraordinaire Tommy Koh, you'd better take notes.

Turning 80 this November, Tommy Koh has a long history of serving the nation unwaveringly, even unconditionally. 

Like EW Barker, there is no area of public office that he has not already served with distinction. The list of public service in fact runs into realms of accolades.

In the papers today, he reflected on all those years in his coming 80 yrs old life's marathon, and he came up with three simple for our digest. They will form my three lessons here.

So, lesson? Three lah. 

1) Tommy Koh said: "My first observation is that success in life does not depend on who your parents are or the circumstances of your beginning."

If the mantra of self-improvement has a synopsis, a placard, a billboard for easy mental accessibility, that saying will be it. Tommy Koh cited three presidents, WKW, SR Nathan and Halimah Yacob, to bring home his first lesson.

All three come from humble backgrounds, two of them lost their father at a young age. They struggled to make ends meet with their family, and yet their perseverance bore great fruits when they became heads of state, their crowning achievement. 

He said: "My advice to young Singaporeans, especially those who come from poor or fractured families, is not to be fatalistic and feel defeated. The future is what you make of it. Work hard, think positive and seize the opportunities which come your way."

2) "My second piece of advice to young Singaporeans is to have a positive mindset, be willing to leave your comfort zones and take on new challenges."

Here Tommy Koh recounted how he left his comfort zone (a professor at NUS law in the 60s) to venture into foreign fields to become Permanent Representative to UN, to have led reputable think tanks like Institue of Policy Studies, National Arts Council, Asia Europe Foundation, to have chaired the Earth Summit and two dispute panels at WTO, and to have taken on the role of the UN General Secretary's special envoy - just to name a few.

He wrote: "My philosophy of life is to have a positive and optimistic mindset and can-do spirit. Life is a learning journey. I have enjoyed all the jobs given to me."

Lastly...finally,

3) "My third piece of advice to young Singaporeans is in the importance of making friends and building relationships." 

He went to talk about three kinds of intelligence: cognitive, emotional and cultural intelligence, with special emphasis on cultural intelligence because he was a foreign diplomat for decades, and he had to adapt to the many cultural nuances (mannerisms) of foreign territories and people. 

Tommy Koh concluded his three lessons: "First, the future is what you make of it. Do not feel that you have no chance in life because of your difficult circumstances. 

Second, have a positive mindset and be willing to leave your comfort zones and take on new challenges. 

Third, develop your cognitive, emotional and cultural intelligence and make lasting friendship."

That's his three lessons in a nutshell. If they feel familiar to you, well, you can't deviate too much from those three points. They are the cornerstone of a life well-lived. 

Success will beat a path to your door if you live up to those three lessons, and never give up.

You see, a positive mindset is a must in this world that is run by an animalistic instinct to profit self more than others. 

Then, we have the part about developing emotional and cultural intelligence to make the connection with fellow human beings. 

At one point in the papers, Tommy Koh reminded us to be modest and humble and respectful of others, because we think not just with our head but also our heart. 

Therefore, the connection must be made both intellectually and emotionally. 

And finally, not allowing circumstances to oppress you is another must because the reality is there are no free lunches, and the world is a blind circle of life, where the rich will often prey on the poor. 

Another raw reality in a world of about six billion people is that sometimes you need a little (if not a lot of) luck to succeed. 

And I guess if given a choice, bankers and investors like Warren Buffet and Wee Cho Yaw would rather have luck on their side at every crucial turn of the way than be working by the cold sweat on their brows alone all the way to their grave.

The problem is that you can't control luck, you can only control to some extent how prepared you will be when luck comes your way; if it comes your way. 

Further, you also need luck to recognise that you are lucky. Sometimes, we take so many things for granted (like family, friends, relationships) to blindly pursue our dreams that we not only lose our way, but we also can't differentiate what truly counts and is lasting from what is transient and passing. 

Alas, luck or being lucky is not a good lesson to impart because it is beyond one's control. You just can't lecture on luck because it requires you to be at the right place, at the right time and with the right people (or environment) to reap luck's bounty harvest. 

You just can't capture all that in a series of lecture or textbook.

So, let me end with what I started, that is, Tommy Koh's life lessons, and here is one reflective answer he gave in an interview:-

"My wife used to ask me: "Where would you like to spend your retirement years?" I would reply that I wish to work until I die and would like to die in the land of my birth. I have spent my whole life working for Singapore and, although I have never signed a bond of service, I feel bonded to Singapore...One of our founding fathers, Mr Rajaratnam, used to say that being a Singaporean is not a condition of one's birth but of one's conviction.""

There you have it. The best advice to live by amongst the many that successful people will give you all essentially boils down to that one word "conviction". 

Conviction counts. Without it, we are just sleepwalking thru life. Without passion, hope and belief, we will always be unhappy, self-tortured, and restless. Conviction is to happiness what love is to sacrifices. 

So if I would to leave a legacy for my children, it would be to remind them to live their life with conviction, to do what is right with conviction, to love and treasure with conviction, and to pursue their dreams with conviction. 

They may not always be lucky in life. But with conviction, with a belief that is unshakeable for what is good, worthy and virtuous, they will always be contented, fulfilled and happy regardless of the circumstances. Cheerz.