Tan Siew Ling - An Extraordinary Spirit

Do we see the universe as being kind to us? Well, 33-year-old Tan Siew Ling did, and she’s blind. 

In an interview with Deputy Life Editor Wong Kim Hoh, she said: “the universe has been kind to me.” She added that “she has been blessed with good friends as well as supportive bosses and colleagues who help her face the challenges life has thrown at her.”

Now, what has life thrown at her? Let me list them down for you.

First, her sight. 

She lost it at a very young age. The world became completely dark when she was only 11. Wong wrote: “Trips to the optician couldn’t fix the problem, so she was referred to specialists who said her failing vision was a result of optic atrophy. It was not until much later, in 2017, when doctors discovered four tumours growing in her brain that she was diagnosed with Nerofibromatosis Type 2.”

Second, her father died two years later, when she was only 13. 

She said: “He had medical issues although I don’t know what happened to him. In the last few months before he died, he was in a feeding tube.” At that time, Siew Ling has an older brother, and he was doing his O levels that year.

Third, her mother had renal failure in 2007. 

She said: “My mother’s health suffered. We didn’t have the finances to get that fixed so her diabete and hypertension caused her to have renal failure when I was 19. She needed dialysis.” 

Fourth, her mother’s passing. 

That was a deep blow to Siew Ling. She loved her very much. It happened in 2015. ““When my mum was around, my world revolves around her. When she passed away, I had to reintegrate into society. Learning to ask for help, learning to tell people that I needed help, like “Can you accompany me for dinner?” It wasn’t easy.””

“My mum is gone, what I need to do is live.”

Well, recall that this is one tough soul who said that the universe has been kind to her. And it was kind because she has an understanding boss. Ms Ku Geok Boon, chief executive of SG Enable. 

Ku offered her a job as executive assistant. She was grateful and said: “SG Enable really walks the talk. My bosses and co-workers were willing to redesign jobs and accommodate my needs.” 

Her brother, Yan Cai, was also a pillar of support for her. He is her closest kin after her parents passed away. She said: “He spoils me rotten, accompanies me to all my medical appointments, talks to me and has never once complained. He and his wife always drop in on me.”

She also met and drew strength and hope from a blind research scientist Yeo Sze Ling. “Dr Yeo started losing her sight at four but went on to earn three degrees, including a PhD in mathematics...Her World Magazine named her its Young Woman Achiever.”

Under Dr Yeo’s encouragement, Siew Ling “became the first blind person in Singapore to pass Chinese O and AO-level exams in 2003 and 2005 respectively.”

Siew Ling also went further to complete her A levels at Tampines Junior College and graduated in 2011 with a Bachelor of Science in economics and finance jointly offered by SIM and the UOL. What an indefatigable spirit!

And while we are still at the challenges life throws at her, the fifth one is truly devastating. Not long after her mother passed on (in 2015), she discovered that something was wrong with her. 

She said: “There were a lot of sounds emitting from my brain: whining, buzzing, chanting, a lot of white noise as though a radio was on 24/7.”

“The doctors didn’t know how and if things would change in five years. It turned out that they didn’t need to look beyond five years. A few months later, I couldn’t hear already,” Siew Ling recounted. 

So, I return to how kind the universe has been to Siew Ling. Here’s a recap. 

At 11, she could not see. At 13, her father passed away. At 19, her mother had renal failure. Her family struggled with finances, depending on scholarships and bursaries to pay for her education. At 27, her mother, whom she loved dearly, passed away. And at 35, the world was silent, not a sound was heard. It was like the world she had known at 11 withdrew from her gradually and completely, first her sight, and later her hearing. 

However, after going through all that, this is how Siew Ling saw life - it’s still good. She has friends, mentor, employers and the love of her brother and his wife. She is grateful. She is contented. 

Oh, did I also mention that all this while, Siew Ling has four tumors growing in her brain? Recall her medical condition Neurofibromatosis Type 2? Alas, whatever type it is, Siew Ling is the type that never gives up.

This morning, if you are struggling with something, whether in school, at home, in your marriage or at your workplace, spare a thought about how the kind universe has treated Siew Ling. And yes, she did say this - “after my mum is gone, what I need to do is live.” 

This is the universe that Siew Ling was born into, yet it is still a universe of hope, love and dreams fulfilled for her. Life may have dealt her one devastating blow after another, but she only wants to live, and go on living. She chooses to see enduring kindness in an otherwise blind and soundless world. 

Personally, I thank Wong Kim Hoh for faithfully bringing this piece of heaven in a world many would have called it, well, hell. 

If anyone of us hates Monday, or for that matter, is frustrated with life for not going your way, I believe Siew Ling knows just how you feel. She not only lived it out, one furnace fire at a time, she also wants to live it well. She’s not giving up, and she even took up running in 2013. However, she stopped when her mother passed away in 2015. 

But last year, when the pandemic struck, Siew Ling received a call from Mr John See Toh, 61. He is the founder of Runninghour, “a running club that helps people with disabilities participate in sports and integrate with mainstream society.” John encouraged her to run again, and she took her first step in this marathon of life. Mind you, by then, she has also lost her hearing. 

John said: “We worked out a touch system of communication with her - turn right, turn left, slope ahead. Despite that, she had a fall in the first month and suffered a sprained ankle which put her out of action for two weeks. But she’s very driven and resilient.” Indeed she is. She’s not just a runner, she’s a fighter too. 

John said: “She is quite something. The word defeat does not exist in her vocabulary. She’s gone through one thing after another but she always picks herself up.”

Well, I can’t imagine the resolve in her to run in a world that she can no longer see and hear. I can only imagine that there is another world within her that is determined to make every step counts, and to finish every race life throws at her. 

We are always encouraged to see the world in a new light, and to listen to the beauty it has to offer. But for Siew Ling, it is a world without light and sound. Yet, she still saw beauty in it. She still hears the sound of an encouragement, the voice of a human touch, and the whisper of hope undimmed. 

They are all beyond our five senses, and they are the things that make up our inner world. They are the building blocks of our faith, building us up to face the world outside of us. For if we strive to still the storm within, we can face any storm without. 

So, kudos to you Siew Ling, for bringing new light and sound into a world we often take for granted. A world whose riches, joy and gains are beyond what the world of sight and sound can ever hope to offer.

 

Samuel Lim - the acid boy turned life warrior.

You have heard of China’s “Ice Boy”. He is Wang Fuman, only 8 then. He came from an ”ordinary, impoverished child living in Ludian county, in southwestern China’s Yunnan province.”

Wang was shot to Internet fame when he braved ”a freezing winter’s morning trek across the snowy 4.5km-walk to attend Zhuanshanbao Primary School.”

Well, in Singapore, we have “Acid Boy”. He is 20-year-old Samuel Lim. Jasmine Choong, ST photojournalist, reported and interviewed Samuel in the papers yesterday. 

Notwithstanding that Samuel is young “with prodigious talents in music and language,” holding “a Grade 9 with distinction in Chinese string instrument guzheng and a Grade 8 in both piano and music theory” and currently studying Linguistics in NTU, he said: "I am just a boring person with an interesting history.”

Now, if Ice Boy trekked 4.5km to school everyday, Samuel’s journey has many challenges too. And it is not just about the distance he has to cover in life, but the depth of his resolve to overcome. 

This is how Jasmine reported it. 

“On June 29, 1999, (Samuel) made the headlines as Singapore's "miracle acid attack baby" - a label he could not get rid of growing up.

When he was three months old, a maid poured sulphuric acid down his throat, burning his vocal tract. The incident left him with speech impairment.

He was at his grandmother's flat and the two maids the family hired did not get along with each other.One of them was jealous that the other seemed to be doing a better job than her at being a maid, so when she was alone with the baby, she attacked him.

The baby was rushed to the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit at the National University Hospital.”

Lesson? Just one. It is about definition. It is almost natural or second nature for us to allow what happens (or happened) outside of us to define who we are inside. 

After the acid attack, this is a list of what Samuel has to go through as reported: -

1) “The acid had burned his tongue, chin, upper airway and gastrointestinal tract.”

2) “To speak, he blocks the tube with his finger and out of his mouth comes a high-pitched, airy and sometimes squeaky voice.” As such, people have to strain to listen to him speak. 

3) Samuel “has had to endure about 10 operations - he has lost count - because of intestinal obstructions, which were a regular occurrence when he was a child, and to improve the quality of his life. The last operation he underwent was in 2017, after his A levels, to improve his ability to breathe. "It's just like a normal visit to the hospital, in and out of the ward,” he said. 

And,

4) He has “to feed himself eight packets of liquid formula a day by connecting a gastrostomy tube to a hole in his stomach and pouring the liquid - which he calls his "milk" - into it.“”

Despite all that, Samuel said: “I feel that neither my medical condition nor achievements alone are sufficient in defining 'me', as both aspects have paved and will continue to pave my life."

That’s definition, and it carries an urgent and important message. This message is best broken down by the philosopher Epictetus. 

Here it is in one go. 

“What disturbs men's minds is not events but their judgements on events: For instance, death is nothing dreadful, or else Socrates would have thought it so. No, the only dreadful thing about it is men's judgement that it is dreadful. And so when we are hindered, or disturbed, or distressed, let us never lay the blame on others, but on ourselves, that is, on our own judgements. To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education; to accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun; to accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.”

Samuel’s definition on what defines him captures the essence of Epictetus’ message. 

Indeed, neither his medical condition nor achievements alone are sufficient in defining him because for him both aspects have paved and will continue to pave his life.

This may be basic 101 of living, and trite in many ways, but the gap between the education of the mind and the education of the heart is, for some, unbridgeable because when it happens to you, when you are in the eye of the storm, going through the daily grind, what is basic 101 becomes tragic 101. And tragedy has a life of its own, it perpetuates self-misery. 

But Samuel would have none of it. 

Since the acid attack, he has scaled from one height to another. He refuses to be conditioned by what is external to him, particularly, that which he cannot change, that is, the speech impediment, the public stares, the difficulty in swallowing, and the ins-and-outs of the hospital ward. 

In fact, Samuel’s achievements are inspiring. He had “received the SPD Youth Aspiration Award in 2014” and he ”scored an L1R5 of nine points for his O-level exams in 2016.” He was also “invited to perform the guzheng and piano in televised charity fund-raisers in 2015 and 2017.” 

Yet, as he said, none of that (or his tragedy in the past) defines him. Both of them, in fact, work together in their season and own unique ways to redefine his life towards empowerment and personal fulfilment, regardless. 

As Epictetus puts it, “to accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete,” and Samuel at such a young age has (in my view) come full circle in life’s education. 

Of course, when reporting of such news, you don’t get to read about his private struggles and I trust they are many. Yet, when your life is being reported, when you come to that stage, others get to read the summation of your struggles and it is about an overcoming of net effect - that is, the innermost resolve to overcome out-matched the circumstantial struggles to assign blame and resign to one’s fate. 

That is what makes a life like Samuel so encouraging and uplifting. And let me end with his own words, the same way Jasmine ended the report:- 

"I feel that people talk about medical conditions and treat them as 'disabilities' instead of 'traits' or 'unique behaviours' I'm just a stereotypical boy with a twist, living in the present."”

Press on Samuel, your journey may be long, but your heart has enough mileage to cover it and more.

The moral courage to live.

The courage to live. The courage to thrive. The courage to stand up for what is right. That is moral courage to me. 

I need such reminder to keep me anchored on what is unshakeable. It is a reminder to affirm my humanity, because what is at stake is this, what am I living for?

I know life is made up of many crossroads. Each one of them is unique to me, unique to my life’s stages and the circumstances I have to confront. 

No two crossroads are alike. I delude myself to underestimate one just because I have overcome the one before. That’s hubris, and courage is rooted in the humility of my humanity, not having any delusion about it. 

I need courage most when I think I need it the least. The courage to live is a given, but I tend to forget that not all the time do I think life is worth living. 

And those moments where life and death struggle for existential space, the gap is bridged by courage. It is the courage found in perspective that is not a given. And I should never take that for granted. 

Then, there is the courage to thrive, to go beyond living to meaning, to go beyond existing to impacting, and to go beyond hoping to planting, sowing and reaping. 

There is however a sinister pathway for the courageous on this route. Many lose their way not for the lack of courage, but for the abuses of it. 

They mistake blind ambition for courage. They mistake short term gains at the expense of long term consequences for courage. And they mistake the use of power for personal convenience for courage. They thus make excuses for being bold just so as to avoid the cost of being honest. 

Alas, to be guided by courage is to surrender to it when it matters most. And this leads me to the courage to do what is right.  That is another crossroad that comes in spades. 

It may just be a decision away, but that distance can only be covered by courage. That is, by a courage that is prepared to stand alone. By a courage that is prepared to sacrifice pleasure and fame. And by a courage that is prepared to admit one is wrong and make amends, whatever the price.

I have therefore learned that to live for a lasting legacy is to live with courage, moral courage. And even if I should fall, even if I should side with cowardice, I can still make things right by changing course with courage as my journey’s companion. 

For we know a life is not too long we should take for granted, and not too short we should take for a ride. To each is a sacred responsibility, and to our loved ones, we must strive to pass down a legacy driven by a life of courage. 

That is what makes courage so acessible to my soul, because courage is not the fabled strength as that of Samson. But it is that seed to be cultivated faithfully, and demonstrated most boldly when David confronted Goliath, and when I confront mine.

All I want for Christmas is...

All I want for Christmas is...waitforit...mm, how about this? 

All I want for Christmas is for...Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer to experience an unfortunate snow-sleight accident while travelling across the storm clouds with Father St. Nicholas. 

Let me flesh out my Christmas wish a little more here for completeness.

After the accident, Rudolph suffered more than a red nose. He was nursing a fracture in the wintry North Pole infirmary. Needless to say, some of the wrapped presents were not delivered on time because of it. Mind you, the snow-sleight had to be repaired too. But, fortunately, Father Nick had a spare or two. 

After an exhausting night of delivery, Father Nick, his elves and a few of Rudolph’s cousins went to the infirmary to surprise Rudolph, who was at that time quite sad and lonely. 

They surprised him with a warm bowl of soup, a velvety bucket full of salad made of leaves from willows and birches, and a few gifts from Father Nick himself.

They then talked through the early hours of the morning until sunrise. They talked about how blessed they were, how what they have done has brought broad smiles to poor kids and orphans all over the world, and how it gave them a deep and intimate meaning doing what they do during this season of giving. Suddenly, Rudolph felt much better and the hurt from the fracture was transformed to deepening joy in his heart. A joy shared with family, with loved ones.

Mm...that about wraps up my Christmas wish, if you should ask me in two days’ time. 

Yes, I know it is not much of a wish. Some may even think it is a request from someone who is sick in the mind. Whoever wishes for an accident to happen to loved ones, especially during a festive season like Christmas? Next saner wish pls.

But in my defence, Rudolph is imaginary. He was invented in 1939 so that some American store could give away millions of copies of his heart-warming story. That red-nosed ruminant is basically a myth. Santa Claus had a much longer mythical history than his fellow reindeer. 

Yet my point is this: If you want to remember Christmas, it is definitely not about that roasted turkey, that unwrapping of gifts, or those Christmas hymns we belt out with careless abandonment. They are no doubt part of the celebration, but there is much more to it of course. 

As opposed to Rudolph, which is a myth, Christmas is about the story of Christ. It is no happy story - and we all know that. It is about betrayal, about injustice, about torture, about tears, about death. 

All of that, or most of it, should be quite familiar to most of us reading about his life. It definitely went beyond some bullying because some reindeer got an unusual shiny red nose or some cooked up Christmas wish about some storm cloud accident. 

Alas, my wish for an accident to an imaginary character is a wish to bring out a point and not that I wish for it to happen. It is a point that is always worth reminding during this season of celebration. 

As an adult, I have come to realize that the best Christmas wish coming true is not so much to make the holiday as festive and joyous as possible. Yes, we celebrate His resurrection. That is surely a cause for great joy. 

But at some point, His life on earth (how He lived it) must mean something to us. And it is personal no doubt, for personal reflection and processing. That is why in the above sentence I chose to express my Christmas wish as one “coming true” and not one that has already arrived.

It is a wish “coming true” because I am still work in progress, but at least, the keyword is progress. Sure, I can’t explain that to my kids, because their minds are only consumed with unwrapping the gifts. Well, that is only natural. 

But, yet, there is something supernatural about Christmas - not the date, but the person or life. It has a message beyond encountering an accident, beyond bad things happening, beyond possessions we surround ourselves with, beyond the Orchard Road decorations, and beyond the festive lights and the shiny star we satisfactorily put as a finishing touch on top of our bejewelled Christmas tree.  

And I think I have come full circle with my Christmas wish. And by now, you should know that I wish for no accident to happen to Rudolph. It is not about bad things happening in our life, which is unavoidable, but how we and our loved ones come together to pull through that brings the richness/reality of the Christmas' narration to life.

At this juncture, it should be noted that our life and insurance policy come together for a reason. They come together because we don’t expect it to be smooth. There will be “storm cloud” accidents - so to speak - and it is how we overcome it that, to me, brings out the true meaning of this empowering season, and for all seasons of life. 

I think philosopher Martha Nussbaum puts it best here: -

“To be a good human is to be a kind of openness to the world, an ability to trust uncertain things beyond your own control, that can lead you to be shattered in very extreme circumstances for which you were not to blame. That says something very important about the ethical life: that it is based on a trust in the uncertainty, and on a willingness to be exposed. It's based on being more like a plant than a jewel: something rather fragile, but whose very particular beauty is inseparable from that fragility." 

Indeed, my Christ is that beauty. Not as in a jewel, hard, but something fragile, approachable and identifiable, and it is that fragility that brings out His timeless beauty, that is, a beauty that was no doubt shattered in very extreme circumstances, but He went through it nevertheless, not running from it, because life is not about being cushioned by an "insurance-policy" mentality, it is however one that is insured by the way He lived His life which is summed up in these words: -

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

That is the meaning of Christmas for me, and it is the best Christmas wish I hope to keep unwrapping for all seasons of life, even at most times, most unwillingly amidst the tears. 

And I wish you an overcoming life too, a life always working towards progress, a life which keeps holding on to a hope that is unshakeable amidst the trials, and a joy that is beyond the shimmering glitters of this world. Amen. 

A love so transforming...

More than five years ago (Oct 2013), an obituary page in the Straits Times gave me pause for deep reflection. Here it is in full.

”To my beloved wife,

At age 14, I left my hometown in Anxi county, Fujian province in China, and made my way to Singapore to seek a living as a labourer. I was alone. But we met here, fell in love and treasured each other for 69 years. 

Together, we raised 11 children despite much hardship, built up our careers and expanded our family. Today there are 83 of us and our offspring are all well-educated, with many holding doctorate and Master’s degrees. 

This is because of your hard work for more than six decades. You not only taught them how to get through life, but also imparted the right values of filial piety, respect, love and the importance of giving back to society and nation. 

I will always be thankful that you have entered my life. Go in peace, my dear. I will always love and miss you.

Love,

Boon Poh, age 97.”

I am so tempted not to write a single word here and allow you to read that tribute again. I mean, what words from me can ever add to that page of heartwarming tribute from a 97-year-old husband to his wife? They have surely lived it all to tell their story. And what a story!

I also imagine that you can never aptly surmmarise close to a 70-year marriage with 11 successful children in one obituary column. Whatever you pen down, it would inevitably be a gross understatement of the struggles, overcoming and love shared and showered to all who crossed your path. 

But how else would you write out a life so compelling and empowering as that of the marriage of Boon Poh and his beloved wife?

Alas, at this point, I realised it’s too late for me. I have written more than a hundred words to get here. And I think (knowing me) I have to tell you how I feel about the touching obituary tribute.

Let me start off with my signature trigger word...“Lesson?”

And if there is one worthy lesson here, it has to be love. That was how Boon Poh signed off, ”With love“. 

Love may be a four-letter word, but it is anything but a four-letter word. If I may adopt an acronym, and take L-O-V-E as an abbreviation for something, the letters would stand for this: -

L - Let it go. 

It is about forgiveness because love keeps no record of wrong, especially human wrongs. In a lifetime together, you can expect frictions, conflicts and letting each other down. This is where forgiveness comes in, and most times, it is a powerful act of rising above our ego, hurts and self-torment. I will elaborate more on this when we come to “V”. 

O - Overcoming. 

That’s what Boon Poh and his wife did for close to a century. Their love stood the test of time. In all their trials, they made sure they come out of every one of them together, stronger. 

The years did not result in wear and tear. On the contrary, it resulted in a love that always shares and cares. And he said it himself: “I was alone. But we met here, fell in love and treasured each other for 69 years“. 

V - Vulnerability. 

Love never expects us to be unbreakable. It is a delusion for men to think that when they cry, they are weak. Or when they share their fears and anxieties, they are losing it. The only thing love demands is mutuality. That is, the sharing of pain, the exchange of our brokenness. 

That is how the two become one. Not by a ceremonial vow or a surpassing-all-expectation honeymoon, but by the joining of hearts, allowing intimacy to grow by opening up, so that love is always grounded in reality. And on that level, I believe the couple can overcome anything.

When this truth about our vulnerability sinks deep, we are free from the shackles of ungrounded idealism. We get to see how fallible we can be as a husband/wife and as a father/mother. 

Our souls are laid bare for our partners to explore, examine and understand. It is like the couple are diligently building a bridge between them and are determined to meet each other in the middle. 

When we come to that point of melded mutuality, as the two souls gradually entwined, we will find our capacity to let go of things, of disappointments, of human failings greatly expanded. This is where the “L” in love above, that is, forgiveness (or letting go) becomes the eventual go-to response to heal the wounds of the heart. 

I recall a saying here: "With love, you have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness." (Louis De Bernieres - Captain Corelli's Mandolin)

And...lastly,

E - End the day with love.

As I said earlier, that was how Boon Poh summed up his tribute, after  recalling how love overcame all. It bears repeating here.

“Together, we raised 11 children despite much hardship, built up our careers and expanded our family. Today there are 83 of us and our offspring are all well-educated, with many holding doctorate and Master’s degrees.”

”This is because of your hard work for more than six decades. You not only taught them how to get through life, but also imparted the right values of filial piety, respect, love and the importance of giving back to society and nation.“

There is one word to note above. The word is “despite”. The dictionary defines it as “without being affected by”. 

So together, they have raised 11 children, imparted the right values in them, built up their careers and ended up with 83 in total, all of which were achieved through hard work, devotion and unceasing love ”without being affected by” much hardship. 

I can imagine there are dark days and bright ones, but they journeyed through them all, never allowing the circumstances to break their bond and love for each other. 

Now, I don’t expect all marriages to take the same road. God knows, it is not an easy journey to embark on. Our own challenges are different. Each of us in our marriage has to rise up to our own unique circumstances. That said, 83 is a numerical feat no less.

But, my takeaway is how he concluded: “I will always be thankful that you have entered my life. Go in peace, my dear. I will always love and miss you.”

The key word for me is “always”. Always be thankful and always loving are simple expressions that speak volume of a marital union that has endured to the end. That makes all the difference. That’s true L-O-V-E. 


And as author Anne Lamott said: "A good marriage was one in which each person thought he or she was getting the better deal". And I have no doubt that Boon Poh felt that same way too. Amen.