Dad, my friends look down on me...

…Son and dad playing video game together…

Son: (pause the game) Daddy, some of my classmates look down on me. They say I am useless. One even say that I am dumb and slow. Am I?

Dad: Are you?

Son: I really don't know dad. I sometimes feel that way. I am definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Dad: Or the brightest spark in a Christmas   light-up?

Son: Yes...maybe.

Dad: Or the fastest sprinter in the racetrack?

Son: Erm...something like that.

Dad: Or the strongest...

Son: Dad you are not helping.

Dad: Helping who?

Son: Me? I just told you how I feel.

Dad: I am just describing how you feel.

Son: But I feel worse now.

Dad: Are you looking to me to make you feel better?

Son: Well, you are the father. You should know what to say to make me feel better right?

Dad: Tell me what I should say to make you feel better?

Son: I don’t know.

Dad: Try son.

Son: Well, for a start, you can say that they are wrong.

Dad: Are they?

Son: Yes of course. I mean I'm not useless.

Dad: What do you mean?

Son: I mean what I mean dad!

Dad: Convince me.

Son: Erm...I may not be perfect but I am not all that bad.

Dad: What is good about you son?

Son: ...I have helped people. I consider myself kind, sometimes caring. And I do my best in all that I do...at least that's what some of my friends said about me. And you...how about you?

Dad: Me?

Son: Yes you. You.

Dad: What about me?

Son: You said never to look down on yourself. You did say that before right? You can't deny that can you? And mommy too.

Dad: Why get your mother involved in this? 



Son: Why not? You afraid?

Dad: OK, what did mommy say about you?

Son: She said before that what counts in life is that you do your best and you are honest about that.

Dad: And if you have tried your best, so what?

Son: Well, I can't be everything to everyone. I have to live my own life my way and not live up or feel bad about the opinions that others have of me right? I don't need their permission to be happy.

Dad: Don’t their opinion count?

Son: Sorry Dad, you're not too bright today. Neither the sharpest nor brightest. Their opinions don't. I don't live to please them. I just do my best.

Dad: Why not?

Son: Are you okay?

Dad: Well, if I say that you are slow or dumb, are you?

Son: Coming from you? Come on dad, you are playing with me right?

Dad: No, I sometimes really think so.

Son: Ahh...?

Dad: I am serious. I can be honest right?

Son: You really think so?

Dad: Well I do have my doubts son...at times.

Son: Well, I may not be up there with the geniuses but I am no dumb donkey if that's what you're thinking. And thanks a lot for the vote of confidence dad.

Dad: How do you feel now son?

Son: I feel like crap actually especially after talking to you.

Dad: But son, why do you come to me then?

Son: Because I thought you could help me.

Dad: Aren’t I helping?

Son: ...to make me feel this way? No thanks man. I rather go for a root canal.

Dad: How do I make you feel son?

Son: You just said that I'm dumb and you have your doubts about me! Are you playing dumb with me?

Dad: But you just said that you have to live your own life your way and not live out the opinions of what others think of you...especially those opinions that arise out of insecurity, envy and personal agenda.

Son: Now you’re telling me all this?

Dad: (smiles) And mommy has told you before to do your best and be honest about it, right?

Son: I said that earlier actually…

Dad: Yes you did. And I am also learning from you.

Son: Ah?

Dad: Yes, you have taught me today more than I wish to admit.

Son: You mean all that stuff I said and what mommy said?

Dad: Yes son. I can be taught too...not just you.

Son: So people's opinion doesn't count?

Dad: Not those that doesn't help. True friends encourage with words and deeds. They don't insult or condemn you just because they don't feel good about themselves or you.

Son: That's exactly what I think dad!

Dad: And in life, you do your best because you can't be everything to everyone.

Son: That's right dad! Right on the money! And that's the reason why when you think I am dumb, I don’t care. I know myself better. I may not be perfect but at least I care enough to do my best.

Dad: Yes son. Well said son. I am proud of you.

Son: Dad, you don't really think I am dumb right?

Dad: No...although you do have your dumb moments, you're far from being dumb. I just wanted you to be sure about that.

Son: So you feel better now?

Dad: Yes I do. I feel much better son. And I love you too.

Son: ...erm...I love you too dad and mommy too.

Dad: Mm...so what were we talking about?

Son: ...I think it was about some bullying and feeling lousy...

Dad: You feel lousy now?

Son: Honestly, not anymore actually. Strangely, I feel better now...much better.

Dad: So, can we go back to our soccer match?

Son: Oh...forgot about that. Sure. Get ready old man, I am bringing on the pain!

(After playing for a while...)

Son: Dad....

Dad: Yes son.

Son: Thank you for being my dad.

Dad: Thank you for allowing me to be your dad.

Son: I love you.

Dad: Love you too.

Son: (smiles)

Cheerz

Son, here's what growing up is about.

Son, one day you will grow up. I am quite sure of that. You can't fight it. It is written in your genes. I can't tell you that it will always be fun. Culture aside, growing up can be a shocker. But I am sure you will grow graciously into it. I have three shockers for you here.

The first is that you will realize things are not always what they seem. This is normal. It's called reality check. This is where your bubbled world gets deflated a little. The first casualty of this is your parents. You will come to know how flawed they are. It will dawn on you that adults are always hiding
 something. They will tell you one thing and seldom mean it completely. They will say they are okay but they seldom are. They will tell you to do the right thing always but always is not always for them.

You will notice the contradiction in their voices and actions. On a good day, they will be trumpeting virtues at the mountain top. And on a bad day, they will be burying them in the valley and manifesting just the opposite. It is still all about doing what they say and not what they do. You will hear them gossiping about people, arguing about the most trivial things, venting their anger at you when 
they are really pissed at another, and demanding that you forgive your sister when they can't even bury their own hatchet. Somehow they expect you to live in a black-and-white world while theirs is monochromatically challenged.

Mind you, don't take it as them being hypocritical parents. Suspend that melodramatic judgment please. Your time will come with bow-tie and all. One day, the boot will be on the other foot when you become parent with growing up children of your own. All their imperfections are coming into sharper focus because your understanding of the world around you is expanding. And your parents can no longer camouflage their flaws behind the advice of parents-know-best anymore. As their kid, please see it as they are just 
doing their best to be a human being. And it is not easy, trust me. There are just too many factors conspiring to turn a good parent into an edgy one.

This brings me to the second shocker as you grow up. You will realize that your parents have this tendency to embarrass you more often than usual. To you, they will appear more naggy, uncool, old-fashion, in-your-face, paranoid and less fun. Somehow, you need more social oxygen with friends your age and time alone by yourself. You need your privacy to explore and discover, and your parents can sometimes be that irritating smiley purple dinosaur you once adored that now grates at your adolescent nerves.

But don't get ahead of
 yourself please. You are still living under their roof and under their rules. So, growing up is also about responsibility and respect. Most kids like you forget about that at your growing's expense. And they are not the cost of growing up mind you. They are in fact the privilege. Learning respect and responsibility make you a better person, a lovelier human being. You don't learn that in school. You learn that by treasuring your relationship with your parents first, your primary caregiver.

Please son, I am not self-advertising here with an agenda. I am telling you as it is. 
The truth is, no one loves you more than your parents. You are here because of them. They may act like dumbbells sometimes, self-contradicting and inconsistent, but their love for you is what keeps them and you going. It is as real as it gets in this world. Ultimately, when the rubber meets the road, you are their first priority. Your joy is their joy and your pain is their pain.

So, wise up fast and reciprocate with less of that attitude and more of that gratitude. By respecting them, you are learning an invaluable
 lesson of taking responsibility for your life. You are paying forward in humility and love and if you thrive on that, you will thrive on all other relationships, be it marriage, parenthood or friendship.

Here's the last shocker about growing up. This has to do with you and the world around you. You will come to an age where you will start to question everything, or almost everything. You will start to think for yourself. This will be the blooming of experience, discernment and wisdom.
 And believe you me, your maturity depends on them. I call it the age of reflection, meditation and inflection.

You will also learn through mistakes. And mistakes will be your buddy for life. You will piss people off, you will get angry with yourself, you will regret your words and deeds, you will be bullied and you will bully, you will feel small, you will be arrogant, even feel invulnerable, and you will be disillusioned and disappointed. In your own pace, you will learn it all with some stumbles and fall.

Son, growing up is a 
time for you to take responsibility, be accountable, and be humble (knows your roots). I will be there for you but only you can enter the ring of life and tough it out yourself. You will hear my voice and encouragement from the ring side and I will consistently remind you that when you wrestle a gorilla, you don't quit when you are tired. The gorilla is not going to offer you a kit-kat moment. 

Life's challenges may be relentless and you don't give up the good fight just because the going gets tough. This is where 
you get a foretaste of what the complicated adult world is all about. Again, it is not going to be smooth sailing all the time. You will also understand to some extent why we do and act the way we do. But then I am revealing too much. I will let you cross the bridge when you reach there. Some experiences are just better served hot.

In the meantime, and for all time, enjoy life. Don't take things too seriously. Live it up. Be present in the present. And practise selective memory, that is, remember the good times more than the bad. Sometimes happiness is about having the right kind of amnesia. Don't forget to be the best that
 you can be too. 

And lastly, never put too much premium on material success. They are seldom what life's brochure has made it up to be. There is more false advertising there than a fancy label on a moonshine bottle. And don't underestimate the failures. They are there for your growth. Painful as they might seem, they ultimately bootstrap you up for greater things to come.

That's about all I have to say about growing up son. And if you make the most of it, you will make the most of
 living a life you and your children can be proud of. Cheerz.

* Image from the guardian.com

Son, love your wife

Son I love you. I love you very much. I love your mom too. And this reminds me, you will marry one day. You must remember to love your wife too. It is a love that will reward you. It will also be a love that will test you.

Marriage is a strange institution. You sometimes feel institutionalized and liberated by it. Like any institution, you are expected to know your own way around. The front door is the most obvious way in. There is always a welcoming door mat waiting for
 you. It's your first step into this marital institution.

That front door represents looking for that special one. She will come to you eventually. It's not the time it takes that should concern you. Neither her looks nor her status in life. It is her character. That is something not readily visible. No one wears a placard stating "I am a crook" on their chest in public. You will just have to court her. You will have to discover. But be prepared for changes as you embark on this marital journey. What is generally characteristic
 of someone may become uncharacteristic of him or her after tying the knot.

So, living together is nothing more than discovering together. Son, falling in love is a matter of the heart. You will one day be confronted with the life-transforming choice. And when you make that choice, you must remind yourself that you are making it for life. When you say I do, you are saying I do to her virtues and her flaws. It is not an ala carte exchange of vows where you can select what you can endure with, and what
 you can't.

Marriage is not chewing something and then spitting it out just because it tastes weird or unpleasant. No, marriage is chewing, swallowing, digesting and yielding to whatever that you have taken into your system will do to you. Marriage is not infatuation or an experiment. It is a lifetime commitment. This has to be your mindset before you walk that aisle and enter into matrimony.

As you enter the front door of this institution, you come to an inviting cavernous hall leading to
 a long corridor of many rooms. If I may push the metaphor a little further, that living hall is where you guys learn more about each other. And it will take many decades. It is the personal space for you guys to chat, share, joke, praise, encourage, admire, sort things out, discuss, hug, dance and act silly together. It is a fun place to be in because it is a place you guys are doing things together, deepening the relationship, and learning to renew your love daily.

Son, never
 neglect this living hall. It is the one place you guys must always be in because this is the place you guys celebrate your togetherness in the marriage. Never underestimate the power of doing things together. It is during such time that your love for each other will grow strong enough to weather all storms that comes. And they will come.

Now after this living hall, you proceed down the long corridor leading to different rooms with one other important room at the far end. I will talk about that room 
later. These different rooms represents the many challenges you guys will face in a marriage after the honeymoon period is over. 

Son, for you, there is a temptation room, a room of career advancement at all costs, a room of monotony/routine, a room of personal pride/ego, a room of disillusionment, a room of quiet desperation, a room of doubts, a room of self-prosecution, a room of inadequacy, and a room of disappointments. This list is non-exhaustive. I expect your wife will have largely overlapping rooms.


The point is that you cannot resist the lure of these rooms because marriage will compel you to face them all and not escape from them. It is just a matter of time before you succumb to the bait of life and enter each room in the order peculiar to your life. That's the test, the challenge. That's how you guys either grow deeper in love together or go your separate ways.

Son, your dad has entered his share of these dastardly rooms. At times, the lure is irresistible. The secret is to never
 stay in any of the rooms for as long as it is necessary. Always find your own way out and don't dwell in them for too long. The temptation,  the ego, the monotony, the disillusionment, and the disappointments will sometimes stretch you beyond your limits of resilience. Don't give them the time, the chance and the opportunity. Don't underestimate their hold on you.

During such time, never forget to exit the rooms swiftly and take the long walk of self examination and reflection along
 the corridor. Focus on the good times, on your vows, on your commitment, on her strengths, and on the reason why you fell in love with her in the first place.

Then, find that happy fun living hall. Invite her over. Be persistent. Don't give up. Do what is usually done by lovers in that living hall. Share an intimate kiss, apologize if you are wrong, seek to understand her, fight for her love, shower her with assurances and live them up, share your fears and hopes, and never leave that huge hall until you have found a
 deep connection with her.

Then, remember that other room at the far end of the corridor I told you earlier? That's the room you should also visit as regularly as possible. It is the matrimonial bedroom. This is the most intimate room of a couple. And the most private one in this institution of marriage. It is this unassuming room that lives are conceived, nurtured and treasured. It is also this unpretentious room that true love is embraced.

A marriage cannot possibly thrive without 
the couple converging in this room to relive the moments of unalloyed intimacy together. This room is magical because its healing powers works deeply the moment you guys decide to enter the room. And it works completely when the two becomes one spiritually, emotionally and physically (in that order of importance).

So, my son, love your wife. Love her at all times, good or bad. Never neglect the fun hall, the meditative corridors, and of course that special room at the
far end. And when you do, that is, love her deeply, longingly and unconditionally, you will discover that you too will change. And you will change in a way that your own children will be most proud of. It is a transformation by love, to love and for love. And there is no greater or more enduring reward than a life completely transformed by love. Cheerz.