A letter to myself - Be life's steward.

A letter to myself,

Mike, what if you are just a steward? I am sure you have heard of that concept. You are not the owner of what you own. It’s not yours to claim or keep. You are just its steward. You are a trustee, safeguarding what is entrusted to you. 

As a father, you are a steward of your children’s well being. As a husband, you are a steward of your marriage. As a worker, you are a steward of what you receive at the end of the month. In legal-speak, what is legal title is not beneficial interest. 

And as who you are, you are a steward of what happens to you. Your experiences, good or bad, they are not to be taken personally. For stewardship is not ownership, and you deal with what happens with a calm, third-person perspective, instead of allowing it to swallow you whole, part by part. 

Yes, when failure happens, I know it’s hard to accept. It can be scary too. The future can be uncertain. The pain unbearable. And the grief takes a tight hold. 

But if you are a steward, you are therefore managing the experiences. For they did not happen to you as much as they happened for you to deal with, like a lesson to be studied and learned from. That is what a steward does. He handles them. He manages the crisis, however long it takes. 

He is there from the start to the end. In good times, a steward joins in the celebration. In bad times, in tough times, a steward tarries with faith and hope. He stays put. He never leaves the life behind. 

For this reason, he does not take the pain personally. Yet, this does not mean he denies the pain, the hurts, the emotions. No, there are as real as the blood that bleeds when you cut the flesh. A steward knows that intimately. He is soul deep with the life, but still keeps an arm’s length from it. In other words, he identifies with it, even affected by it for a season, but will not allow himself to be paralysed by it. 

For he knows better than to be in the eye of the storm. Instead, he is the eye looking at the storm, never losing sight until its energy is spent; and it will, eventually. 

He is there when the tears flow. He is there when the nights linger. He is also there when darkness looms. A steward takes responsibility for the experiences he manages. He is accountable to the life. That is his calling, a ministry of presence; most times, a quiet one, unseen. 

But, he also knows the many seasons that a life has to go through. A season to cry. A season to rejoice. A season to be born and a season to bury. Even a season to wait patiently for one season to pass while another lies in wait. 

That overarching season is for a lifetime and the steward readily adopts that perspective because that is the full range of a life’s experience under his oversight. 

And because he sees further, a steward never let the experience of one season overwhelm him. He does not take the hurts and pain to heart. He will not let them distract him. He keeps a distance. He stands firm on what he is called to do. And he strives to fulfill that calling to shepherd the life. 

Even for the experience of success, the steward does not take it personally. He does not let his guard down. He does not let it go to his head. He manages, remember? He does not allow complacency or pride to mar his judgement. He knows a neglect in one season will affect the other. 

Like domino effect, a season in the valley not managed well will spill over to the next. And a season at the summit if allowed to self-indulge in excess will also spill over. A steward will thus fight to keep the balance at both experiential peaks, that is, in the valleys and at the summits. 

That is what the steward is called to do. He plays his role as a third person, taking a long lens’ perspective, and is faithful to see the life through, come what may. He is a shepherd for all seasons, a steward for life. 

So, be life’s steward, Mike. This is the letter’s message. Be one for your own life. And don’t take things so personally. For this too shall pass. Life ought to advance, not shrink. From one season to another. Learn from it, and grow. 

Expand your land, not be trapped in it. Release your grip and don’t hoard it jealously, thinking that it’s yours to keep and rule. Mind you, one day you will be buried in it. And it is an errand for fools.

And let me end by saying that the fruit a steward reaps is maturity and resilience from a lifetime of overcoming, whether in the valley below or at the mountain-top.

Signing off,

Life’s Master-steward. 

(Image by Simon Berger).

 

Lawyers: the advocacy of life.

Alas, law, that dastardly career that wrecks your social life and gives you sleepless nights. 

Yesterday's mass call to the Singapore bar saw 483 young entrants into this unwholesome dungeon of emotional turmoil.

At the gate welcoming them is our CJ, who urged firms to show compassion to these younglings on their maiden voyage negotiating the narrow straits between the Scylla and Charybdis of the legal profession. 

He noted that these legal neophyte needs guidance via enduring/meaningful mentorship with heart and soul as he understands that they are entering a warped field where the immense burden of a litigant will rest on their small and fragile shoulders to be carried to a certain finishing line. 

It's going to be both a stressful and distressful journey for them.

CJ also noted that "a recent survey in Britain found that more than 90 per cent of 200 lawyers felt too much emotional or mental pressure at work." 

He added, "If this were not troubling enough, one in four described the stress he experienced as either "severe" or "extreme"". 

The papers today cited another Australian study "which reported that lawyers suffer from significantly lower levels of psychological health than other professionals."

Lesson? Three, and it is taken from VK Rajah's speech to NUS law graduates in July this year. He gave some sound advice to the glowing crop of legal eaglets.

1) He said: "Unlike the hospitality business, the client is not always right. A good lawyer does not slavishly follow the client's instructions. Instead, he counsels the client to achieve balance."

It's not going to be easy for young lawyers here. Their inexperience will somehow show. After 19 years of practice, some clients still walk into my office and ask me, "How old am I?" 

I have a look that doesn't square with my experience. But for me, I often skip that first impression and jump straight into securing the second. And that's where I try my best to understand the prevailing interest behind their grievances or legal woes.

Confidence is the bridge here. Sometimes you have to put your foot down to tell them to draw the line of moderation/balance of their vindication, vengeance and ventilation.

Second is empathy, especially for clients in the throes of divorce, criminal charges and serious accidents. 

Knowledge comes third because you bridge the emotional gap with confidence and empathy before you anchor them on what you think in your professional view is the best course of action or even inaction (or refrain) for them. 

All this will take time, and good mentorship is the key to unlocking the skills to identify the nuances of human emotions and to develop a resilient client-lawyer relationship. 

SMU law dean Prof David Llewelyn said: "While many are able to adapt and think laterally, there are those who need mentoring to take them through their early years of practice, which...are at the worst, as you are learning something new every day. It is very different from university."

2) VK Rajah continued: "Unhappy lawyers are not just unhappy persons but a lack of commitment can have adverse consequences for others. Find your passion by all means. Today, a law degree opens many doors," 

While a law degree opens many doors, let's just talk about the door leading to legal practice in the long run. 

This is a long journey and the sojourner takes it one small determined step at a time. But watch out, there will be a lot of fumbling and stumbling to be expected. 

Traps are everywhere where you have to deal with earfuls of nagging, complaining, griping, ventilating and lamenting - not to forget the most emotionally unsettling of them all, accusing. 

VK Rajah is right, passion is everything. It is the fuel that gives you the resilient mileage to go the distance after a long tiring day of experiencing emotional blackhole where light or life is practically sucked from you. 

You draw passion not just from consoling and psyching yourself up in the morning (or night), but you draw it from perspectives on the other side. 

Oftentimes, it is not just about winning (or losing) a case as it is about connecting with the person. 

When you resonate with your client, the feelings, worries and helplessness, you know you have made a connection that comes with making a difference in his or her life, at least for the legal work he/she is engaging you to do. 

This difference deepens your passion not only to do your best, to put your best effort forward, but it helps you to get perspective, that is, knowing deep inside that you are able to help a soul in need or move him or her forward in life. 

That's the anchorage of meaning we experience as lawyers standing in the gap, and in turn, growing in maturity as we persevere forward. The growth and resolution door swings both ways. 

And finally...

3) VK Rajah added: "Try and be lawyers with good heads and good hearts. Be wise lawyers. In Singapore, we have many clever people but not enough wise ones."

The good head part is not the hard part. We have a lot of academically bright lawyers around. 

It is the good heart part that is not found in any law school curriculum. It comes through trials and errors, overcoming disappointments and personal inadequacies, nurturing an understanding and patience that look beyond the here and now, and developing a capacity to let go and enjoy the moment as they present themselves to us. 

Every lawyer, or professional, therefore needs a weekend diversion that has totally nothing to do with their work (For me, it's running, reading and writing). 

Let me end by saying that wisdom for me is the statecraft of the heart where our soul acts as a mediator with the outside world, where our soul filters and sieves through the debris of experiences to retrieve only the good stuff for soulful digestion, and where it moderates the wild and unsettling emotions we face and takes a horizon viewpoint of all things.

I believe every problem has a solution. The issue is not what it is. Most of us know what it is. The issue is how prepared and resolved we are to take that first step towards its resolution. 

Most times, our greatest challenge is not about knowing what to do, but doing it.

So, if law is going to be a rewarding career for its practitioner, esp the young, we need to connect with the people we are helping, instill a sense of passion and purpose in our calling, never underestimate the difference we can make one life at a time, and let that be our stepping stone to incremental fulfillment, nurture the wisdom by building inner resilience and perspective, and lastly, practise with a good heart because most clients no doubt expect professionalism from us, but they do know we are humans too. And humans are humans because we are all vulnerable, yet always willing to learn (with them).

I thus wish the 2017 law cohorts all the best in their career, and go forth to make a difference, an enduring one. Cheerz.

Vanity of Vanities.

I read Ecclesiastes 1 this evening and wondered, what does the great sage mean by “vanity of vanities”? The elaboration that followed was quite abstract. He reiterated that “everything is meaningless.” The toiling under the sun, the sun that rises and sets, the wind that blows in circles, they all eventually return to where they first started. Nothing has changed.

Then, the great teacher went on to say that there is nothing new under the sun and our achievements however great will soon be forgotten. Even the understanding of men to pry open this world and to unravel all its mysteries is meaningless, and like the study of madness and folly, they are no more than “chasing the wind”.

So I digested the tautological lamentation and thought to myself, what does vanity of vanities mean in my context? What makes vanity even vainer in my day-to-day living? In other words, what compounds or aggravates the vanity? Here is a short list I came up with:-

When you don’t just think you are smart, you also think everyone is dumb…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just want to win, you also want the losers to concede that you have won….that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just think you’re humble, you also think you’re humbler than everyone else…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just think you’re right, you also insist that those who disagree with you admit they’re wrong…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you are clearly more successful than your peers and you just can’t wait to rub it in their faces and do it every time the opportunity avails itself…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just think you’re an authority on the interpretation of scriptures, you also think you’re the final authority on it…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don't just think that your way of living is superior, you also think that any lifestyle that is different from yours is unquestionably inferior…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just want to be the center of attention in a room, you also want to be at the center of everything…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just attribute all successes to your sole effort, you also think the collective effort of your team is merely incidental to it…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you’re having a bad day after committing a personal folly, and you vent it all out on your loved ones and children…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just think you’re an expert in something, you also think there’s nothing more to learn about it…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just judge a person by his looks or skin color, you also judge his company by his looks or skin color…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you're not only jealous of your friend’s success, you also want to see him/her fail some day, if not real soon…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just expect a free lunch, you also expect dinner and supper to be delivered to your door step…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don't just feel that your wife is old and becoming unattractive, you suddenly think you deserve better, prettier and younger…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just take your wife for granted, you also expect her to accept your daily oral abuses and apathy with understanding and grace…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you become complacent or smug after being conferred a title or an honor, and suddenly you feel you’re a class above the rest…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just believe that having more will make you happy, you also believe that those who have little can never be happy…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don't just think you understand the situation or emotion, you also think that there’s nothing more to understand about the situation or emotion…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just judge someone by his past, you also condemn his future by it…that’s vanity of vanities.

When you don’t just carry the hurt done to you indefinitely, you also make sure that the one who hurt you live the rest of his/her life regretting or paying for it…that’s vanity of vanities.

And last but not least…

When you don’t just regret the wrongs you have done in the past, you in fact never learned or repented from it…that’s vanity of vanities.

All the above is nothing more than chasing the wind. And the great teacher has seen it all coming before. Nothing is indeed new under the sun. Nothing surprises the wise anymore. Cheerz.