Mental illness: Daren Lachengco and a mother lost.

I felt that this needs to be told. These two stories needed to be written (side by side). One will break your heart; trust me, I teared. The other will lift it up, at least offering hope. 

Let’s brace our hearts for the first story. 

A mother, only 30, was jailed 7 years for killing her 2-year-old daughter. Before this, the mother lost her four-month-old baby in 2011 and another child of hers was born premature. 

Her defence counsel said in mitigation: “Our client was struggling under the immense agony of an undiagnosed mental illness for several years after losing two children - and tragically, another child has been wrenched away."

The full story is reported by Selina Lum and is best told in the reporter’s words. 

“On April 9 last year, she was tending to the victim at their two-room flat when she became angry with the toddler for defecating on a towel in the bedroom after her bath.

She carried the girl back to the toilet to wash up, and along the way, some faeces dropped onto the floor. The woman scolded her daughter as she washed her, and the girl started to cry.

After washing the girl up, she was further angered when the girl did not obey her instructions to go to the bedroom.

She then pulled the toddler into the room and after dressing her up, lifted the girl up to shoulder level and threw her to the floor forcefully. This made the girl cry even louder.

The woman then told her daughter to clean up her toys in the living room, but when she noticed the girl standing still and crying, she lifted her up again and threw her to the floor.

As the girl lay on the floor, the woman kicked her. When the child did not respond, she became alarmed and tried to resuscitate the girl.

At this time, her 41-year-old husband phoned her, and she lied that their daughter was having fits.The girl, bleeding from the mouth, was taken to the KK Women's and Children's Hospital.

Hospital staff made a police report but the woman maintained that the toddler had a seizure and "fell out" of her hold.

The toddler was declared brain dead on April 14 and taken off life support on April 17.

An autopsy found that she suffered multiple skull fractures and abdominal injuries.

After her arrest, the woman was diagnosed with major depressive disorder by an Institute of Mental Health (IMH) psychiatrist, who said the condition had its onset before the death of her youngest child earlier that year.”

The second story is about overcoming mental illness. 

Daren Lauchengco, 51, checked into IMH in 2010 when he heard voices telling him to kill himself. He was 42 then. 

In fact, as early as 16, Daren was experiencing depression. It was only 20 years later that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after he sought help. 

Daren is blessed with a strong marriage and two understanding children. His wife, Mdm Noriytah, stood by Daren, and never blamed him. 

This is what she told her children. “I’d always say, daddy’s like that not because of anybody’s fault...it’s just something he needs to go through. I wouldn’t have become the woman I am today if I hadn’t married him.”

Due to his wife’s support through the darkest of times, Daren was able to flourish in his art and they are now exhibited at the One of Us art exhibition at Temasek Shophouse. 

Daren said: “Right after I got diagnosed, I told myself I wouldn’t just take medication and wallow. So the next best thing I could do was grab hold of my art. If I didn’t have this condition, I don’t think my art would be the pieces you see now.”

“I tell myself you got married, you got two kids...why blow it all away? Yes, it’s tough, but I tell myself to just take it one day at a time...if tomorrow comes, it comes.”

Lesson? Just one. 

Truly, when tomorrow comes, it comes. And by and large, tomorrow often comes. It is the same with the day after tomorrow and so on. They keep coming to lengthen a life by the numbers. But to fill those numbers with resilience and meaning is quite a different thing altogether. 

I juxtaposition the two stories together, one tragic and the other uplifting, because Daren’s words gave me pause for deep self-examination: “I tell myself you got married, you got two kids...why blow it all away?”

But, this I have to say: Daren was still able to fight for his sanity to tell himself, to reason with himself, and he did it in an environment of love, understanding and unwavering support, from his wife and kids. 

I dread to think of the mother in the above story who had her own mental demons to fight, and sadly, lost the battle in such a heartbreaking way.

Yes, Daren would never want to blow it all away. In his storms, he saw his family and his art and that gave him strength, meaning and hope to move forward. 

Yet, for others, they are often blown away because the mental storm they have to struggle with overwhelms them. It is often not a chosen path they have taken, but one upon which they were led into, most unwittingly and unwillingly, by the storms in their broken minds. 

Let me end with a casual chat Daren had with one of his sons, when he was younger. His sons are now 21 and 26. 

Daren said: “I told (my younger son) that when daddy’s sad, there’s always this dark cloud hovering over me, and it follows me.”

“His son then drew a ladder leaning against a cloud, and drew him standing on top of the cloud. This provided a safe way to talk to his sons about his condition without scaring them, (Daren) said.”

Isn’t that a beautiful image of support we can give to our loved ones, or to those who are suffering from mental illness in our society? 

Imagine everyone carrying a ladder with us, and are always prepared to lean it against the dark clouds of a person’s life, and then scale up to the top to stand on it. 

It is a powerful symbol of hope and understanding. A symbol that our society not just bears the burden for one another, carrying the ladder even when it looks awkward and/or it is inconvenient, but also takes the time and effort to scale this beast of mental torment to slay or overcome together with the sufferers. 

Eventually, as a society, we chase the clouds away, allowing rays of hope to return once again. 

Of course, it is not easy and some may feel that people who think that way are daydreaming. Wait till they live with someone who has such condition, then see how. 

Well, Daren, his wife and sons have at least taught me that it is not impossible. Sometimes, we need handles to lift us up, to carry us through the storms. Handles come in many forms and ways, and one of them is imagination like the one Daren’s son had offered to his dad.

The reality is, we can’t save everyone. We can’t change everyone. But to those whom are within our reach, to those whom we see are suffering in their own mental storms, we will never know how much an enduring difference we can make if we don’t apply our imagination the way Daren’s son had applied his and lived to tell of such inspiring testimonies. 

The boy imagined a ladder. He knew where to lean it on. He didn’t stop there. He climbed up, no matter how long it took. Then, he stood on TOP of the cloud because he knew that everything below the cloud is rain and everything above it is sunshine. 

And the boy stood there to fight the cloud so that he could allow his dad to see the sun that is always shinning above. He saw hope and all he wanted to do was to share hope with someone who to him is the source of his hope. 

Alas, there is no greater, or more powerful, imagery than that!

A marriage made with a touch of imperfection.

David is 39 and Susie is 53. They are married. They were both patients at IMH. David has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Susie suffers from depression and schizophrenia. 

Their marriage is anything but normal. Most times, it is rocky.

Reported by Janice Tai, she wrote: “Every other night, the police would come knocking on their doors as David has a habit of calling police to tell them that he wants to kill himself when he is stressed.”

David has tried to take his life over many occasions. According to Janice, “the latest incident happened two months ago when he was warded at IMH - he used glass from a shattered light bulb to slash his wrist.”

Janice wrote that such incident was so common that Susie “would continue sleeping, watching television or reading a book.”

That’s not all. 

Susie also has to deal with David’s substance abuse issues. Financially, they are already tight. But some of the money went to buy cough syrup and sleeping pills for David. Susie admits that she “finds it too stressful to stop him from abusing substances.”

Two years ago, some volunteers came to tidy their house and what they found were “almost empty packets of chicken rice...shoved under the bed and cockroaches scampered out when they were taken out to be thrown.” 

They “filled four black garbage bags of trash after cleaning up the flat that day.”

And just last year, Susie had to take out a PPO against David. She used her PPO to have him locked up in a police cell for one night after he punched her.

In fact, David’s aggressive started as early as the wedding night when he beat her up because “they could not get a hotel room at short noice as all were fully booked.” David then “shoved Susie to the ground and trod all over her back.”

As a reminder of the PPO, they had even signed an agreement hung on the back of their door. The agreement reads: -

“I, David, will not take my dear wife’s belongings, especially her mobile phone, without permission. I will not harass her and shout at her. Otherwise, she will exercise her PPO against me.”

Susie said she ignored her family’s and friend’s objections to marry David. But Susie said that she was happy that he wanted to marry her. Up till today, Susie is still two minds about the marriage. 

She said: “I do have some regrets about marrying him. I went through a lot of suffering and I would advise other couples against it. It will not work unless you have tremendous love and forgiveness.” 

She also added: “But I also don’t have regrets most of the time as I am happy with him. He is a nice and funny guy.”

As for David, on the marriage, he said: “She is smart and educated, and I am able to converse and express my ideas with her.”

Lesson? What is there to say here? 

They say (tongue-in-cheek) that love or marriage is temporary insanity, and I don’t think anyone of us - married couples - can say that our union is made in heaven, that is, smooth sailing all the way. 

The wedding night may be heavenly, but a lot of things have to be ironed out on earth after that. 

But, having said that, the union of Susie and David comes with many challenges, and I kind of understand why her family and friends would object to it. 

“Love, they cautioned the couple, would not be able to sustain a marriage if both of them are struggling with their own private hell of debilitating mental illness.”

If love is always overcoming, then Susie and David have their marriage plate full when it comes to not only their mental illnesses, but also David’s suicidal tendencies, substance abuse and violence, and Susie’s depression and stress. 

Is love really enough? And if love is a choice, and a choice made in one’s lucidity, what happens to love when one can no longer make it because he or she is no longer lucid? 

Alas, while David has no friends (as reported), Susie has reconciled with some of her family members and goes to church. Her church mates help out, running errands for her, and checking up on her. 

Here is what Susie said about the David: “He is my dream guy. Hip, modern and funny, and mad. But I just ignore the mad part.”

I smile when I read that. It’s a clever but ironic pun. A sober twist of words, said with a tinge of resignation and hope. 

Indeed, when I read Susie’s story, I think about my own, I think about marriage as a whole. 

How many of us readily jump into it as a form of rite of passage when our time comes? It is almost a cultural thing or trend when we come of age, complete our studies, enter the workforce, and then meet the girl or boy of our dream - if not earlier, with it running in parallel until we pop the question. 

For some, we marry for the lamest or most romantic of reasons - “I like her hair”, “She makes me happy”, “He is funny”, “our love is out of this world”. 

For others, it is an epic struggle between a few potentially attractive options. Still for others, it is a biological clock thingy and we tell ourselves we are not getting any younger - it’s either succession planning or bust!

Without fail, we front-load on the idealism of altar promises only to discover that we have to spend a lifetime adapting to (and for some struggling with) the realism of things at home. 

They say we should look out for our soul mates out there. And there is always one walking around with our name on her or him, most times blissfully unaware of it.

But we often forget that when two soul mates come together, the mating is just the tip of the honeymoon iceberg. What lies below is still water running deep with lots of “I didn’t know she is like that?” or “Wait, is he serious about that?” or “What happen to the one I married?” or “How did I miss that about him or her?” or “Is there a refund policy?”

So, I return to the “mad” part of marriage. To some extent, there is method to the madness, and we learn to adapt and adjust while living together as husband and wife. At other times, there is more madness to the method, and couples sadly break up. 

Personally, after twenty years of marriage, I can’t say that I have found the perfect mate twenty years ago. I believe there’s no perfect mate. They don’t come like an order you make online where they are fit not just for purpose of use, but of description, of quality check and of duration. 

In a marriage, you will be naive to be looking for the perfect state of things. There is no perfect things, just perfecting. 

There is no perfect person, but just perfect effort. And perfect effort from a human perspective is to always strive to give your best to her or him, to remain faithful to the first promise you make, to put love first and not personal ambition and vanity, and to not be rocked by disappointments when they come but to learn to let go and use it to build the rock of your marriage. That, to me, is as perfect as it comes this side of heaven. 

All this may sound idealistic, but it is never my intention to disavow idealism. My aim has always been to work with idealism and bring out the best result in a union of a lifetime when idealism meets reality. Cheerz.

Ms Kho, her boy Evan, and the struggle for the mind.

I don't know whether you have read this article, "Help me Mommy. I'm very lonely". It's about depression.

Evan, only eleven, was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as being depressed and was prescribed anti-depressants. 

On top of that, Evan was also suspected to have Asperger's Syndrome, "a neurological disorder on the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum."

His mom (Ms Kho), a successful entrepreneur, assured her son this:-

"We made a promise to take our medication together (she was also diagnosed with depression due to stress of business). I told him we would get well together."

Then, that fateful day happened. 

Evan told a lie quite unconvincingly that there was no school, and his mother reprimanded him softly for it. Evan explained that he was stressed at school. 

Evan then told the family helper that he "would wait for Ms Kho at the foot of the condoninium so that she could take him to school".

And that was where he took his own life at elevan. He plunged eleven stories down. 

Wong Kim Hoh who wrote the article penned this:-

"Her memory of picking up Evan's lifeless body is something Ms Kho can never erase. She is also tormented by the thought that she didn't do enough for him as a mother."

Lesson? Just one, and I start with this quote.

A heartbroken Ms Kho said:-

"It's difficult to say he's in a better place. Not when he often told me how much he loved me and how his best place was with me, and nowhere else...I don't want him to died in vain. I want to justify his life, it was too short. I want people to be aware of depression, which is a stigma. I want them to know it is nothing to be ashamed of because depression is as much an illness as cancer...I hope by talking about Evan's death, more people can be saved."

Recently, I read a book by Johann Hari, entitled Lost Connections, who himself battled with depression for decades, and I believe is still battling it - to some extent. 

He wrote that for the past 18 years of his life he was told that depression is all in his head. It was an imagined disorder. 

And then, the next 13 years, he was told that depression is a malfunctioning brain, that is, the lack of serotonin in the brain. It was a chemical imbalance. 

Now, he got a breakthrough in thought about depression and it is in his latest book.

It is all about connections, he wrote. 

It is not an imagined disorder. Neither is it some malfunctioning brain, although there are cases that show it is more pathological than about losing connections, and a visit to IMH will clarify somewhat. 

But for the majority of us, Johann is of the view that our lost connections with work, people, meaningful values, respect, nature and secure future are the driving causes for our depression.

To be honest, there is really nothing new here (but you will have to read the book for yourself because I run the risk of oversimplying it. And it was a relishing read for me). 

My point is that I see three classes of people here.

Firstly, the depressed because of a serious brain injury. 

Second, the depressed even when they have most of the connections Johann talks about. 

And third, the depressed because, in their economic and social station in life, they will find it quite insurmountable to find the connections they so sincerely sought after. 

Most will die, sadly, unconnected.

Giving due credit to Johann for a good read, Everyday reality cannot be so neatly captured in 321 pages, even if proven researches and interviews with successful people seem to point to the direction that connections are the missing link. 

There is also no one-size-fits-all type of depression because to some people, they are introverts and they rather be alone; and to others, they are social dynamites and explode with confetti colours when they are socially connected and engaged. 

And then, there are the circumstances perks and pains. 

We may find an interim reprieve for depression when we make the connection only to find that at the end of that rainbow over time is not a pot of gold, but a pot of grief, disappointments, or betrayal. 

What I am trying to say is that life can be really unpredictable, and one end of the stick is about relief from feeling down and at the other end is the pain of a lost connection because of circumstances beyond one's control. 

Some people can take it and bounce back remarkably. And others plunge down even further and take to their grave the pain they never recover. 

Alas, life throws you lemon and lemonade, curve balls and easy catches, a bouquet and rotten eggs at every turn, and in my view, connections definitely help to a large extent, but not for all. 

But I guess what Johann is trying to say is that these connections fortify your perspectives, deepening them. 

They also strengthen your resolve, and more importantly, they don't protect you from being broken, instead, and most meaningfully, they break you to pieces, even repeatedly for a season, so that that which doesn't kill you will make you stronger, wiser, more grateful, hopeful, more giving, and more faithful.

As humans, we are not asked to be invulnerable, but fragile (as we are) yet resilient. 

And at one point of his book, Johann wrote that depression is not necessarily a bad thing. It can keep you alive to certain things that are not stamped with a materialist value. It goes beyond titles, money and estates. 

More relevantly, it turns your attention to family, friends and faith. 

For this reason, depression to some extent forms a protective shield over you to keep you from delusionally pursuing happiness in a way that is understood by this world only to find that all that running around, for what seems like ages, leads you back to where you first started, that is, in the midst of loved ones who had never asked to be happy, but just your presence and attention.

Let me end with Ms Kho's own words, which I think holds the key:-

"What I took for granted, I don't anymore. I was with Evan that morning, and just like that, he was gone. Now, every hour, every minute with my children counts."

That reflection led me to think this morning about my eventual and inevitable mortality.

When I die, I only crave for one thing, that my loved ones miss me, and miss me enough to never take those still with them for granted. The dead don't need comfort, its the living that needs it. 

And I pray by then, they will come to know that my legacy is not about a certain material inheritance, but a love (although imperfect in many ways), but is at least consistent throughout to demonstrate just one thing: I have been faithful. 

For like what the late neurosurgeon Paul Kalanithi wrote in When Breath Becomes Air:-

"We can never reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving." 

And to ceaselessly strive for that, for a love that is overcoming regardless of circumstances, is what makes for the best life conceivable in this world. Cheerz.