Gangtang's 27 years' search for his son.

 

I wonder, what does it take to feel like a father for some of us?

Well, for Guo Gangtang, 51, it took him 24 years of searching for his son, riding on his motorbike, and covering more than 500,000 across China. Yes, 24 years of unrelenting search, you heard it right. 

In 1997, Guo Zhen (Xinzhen) was abducted in front of the family home in Shandong, “where he was playing unattended...Traffickers snatched the boy and sold him to a family in central China.” He was only 2.5 years old then. 

Guo Zhen, now 26, was found via a DNA test and that ended Gangtang’s 24 years search, where he quit his job, “and criss-crossed the country on a motorbike with large flags bearing his son’s photo tied to the back.”

It is reported that “since launching a DNA database of missing family members in 2016, police said they have helped more than 2,600 individuals kidnapped as children – some more than 60 years ago – to find their biological parents.”

Mind you, the father’s search for his boy had garnered much nationwide and worldwide attention. Andy Lau even starred in a movie about Gangtang’s 24-year quest titled “Lost and Love.” 

Andy played Gangtang. And Andy was “extremely happy and inspired” to hear the news that Gangtang had found his son.It was a tear-soaking moment for Gangtang and his wife, when they hugged their son, who is now a teacher living in central province Henan. 

Gangtang exclaimed: “Now the child has been found, everything can only be happy from now on.”

It is also reported that “across the years, Guo has helped seven other families find their lost children and raised awareness about child trafficking – still a taboo topic in China.”

Lesson? One.

China’s one child policy has taken its toll on the soul of millions of parents. It has also resulted in untold pain to grieving mothers who have to standby to watch their own newborn daughter being put to death or abandoned, just so that the tradition of having a son to carry the family name would be realised, by hook, crook, or worse, infanticide. 

What’s more, by 2020, the gender imbalance was unthinkable, with 30 to 40 million surplus men. That is more than five times the population here. “In China at the time of the policy shifted to two-child policy, a staggering 119 boys were born for every 100 girls.” (The global average is 105 boys to every 100 girls). 

I write about this Nemo-like search for one’s son this morning because I can’t imagine the depth of love and devotion Gangtang had for his son, that is, in the 24 years of searching for him. He once told the Chinese media this: “Only by hitting the road looking for my son, do I feel I am a father.” 

Imagine giving up a quarter of a century of your life to embark on this quest, putting your son’s face on a flag, and travelling more than 500,000 km, without even knowing whether your baby (you knew for only 2.5 years) could ever be found. 

Imagine even further another love - if love is the right word. This time the love of another “father” who had bought your abducted son for a price and then raising him up as his very own, caring for him over the next 24 years, presumably hiding the truth from him, and refusing to come to terms with the real possibility that you as his biological father have never given up looking for him, travelling all over China, having to battle highway robbers, sleeping under bridges and even begging when your money ran out, just so as to fulfill that one wish to reunite with your only son. 

Well, juxtapositioning the two ironies together makes for such fact-is-stranger-than-fiction reality that my mind (as a father myself) cannot fully wrap around, can you? 

At this poignant moment, I came across the words of author Li Yiyun: -

“Being a mother (or father) must be the saddest yet the most hopeful thing in the world, falling into a love that, once started would never end.”

Indeed, some love is forever. Amidst the unspeakable pain is the unspeakable joy of a hope that never dies. 

Truly, I am so glad Gangtang and his son have reunited. And as he said, ““Only by hitting the road looking for my son, do I feel I am a father.” 

He is one father who never really knew his son, never saw the various milestones of growth in his young life, and was never able to touch and hug him to say “I love you so much”. In fact, that journey he took was the closest thing to fatherhood to him. And sadly, his son will never fully understand that love that never dies, but was nevertheless a love that inspired many fathers (and mothers) to never take their own child for granted. 

It is a love that reminded us daily as fathers that we should always treasure our journey with our kid, because it is a journey not solely of the imagination and hope, but one where we are fortunate enough to witness, embrace and celebrate every critical crossroad of their growth and overcoming, as one family.

 

Mother's final wish - to see son wed.

This is a story of love. Love between a newly wed and love between a mother and child. 

Theresa Tan, Snr Social Affairs Correspondent, wrote it, and it is about a mother’s dying wish to attend her son’s wedding. 

Mdm Ng, 71, was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer in July this year, and doctors gave her about one year to live. Fearing that his mother may not be able to attend his wedding, Mr Chia Fu Yong, 35, and his fiancée for four years, Ms Tan Mei Xuan, 28, decided to tie the marital knot on the auspicious 10/10/2020. 

Fu Yong said: “I was afraid she wouldn’t be able to see me wed. It’s very hard to say how long she has left.”

But it was not easy to make the arrangements. Mdm Ng was bedridden, and being cared for at home. She could not sit up for more than 10 mins without feeling pain. She also could not speak freely. 

Thanks to the charity Ambulance Wish Singapore, they made mother and son’s wish come true. They laid her on a stretcher, fetched her to the wedding at Marina One from Dover Hospital, and even arranged for a standby nurse to attend to her needs. 

The chairman of Ambulance Wish, Dr Ong Yew Jin, said: “Mdm Ng could barely speak, but she managed to whisper to the nurse and our volunteers that she was very happy.”

“She was mostly quiet throughout, so seeing her break into a smile as she shared how happy she was was a memorable moment for us.“

Her son said: “I’m very happy I fulfilled her wish. I felt she hung on for my wedding.”

Lesson? One, it is about the tireless love and devotion of a mother. This love is unseen, yet the power it gives is unerring and unforgettable. 

It is apt here to remind us that many things bring us pleasure of a temporal nature, especially the ambitious pursuit after material gains. But a mother’s love is not readily tangible, yet it is proven to be internally transforming and enduring. 

I recall that Helen Keller once said: “The best things in life are unseen, that's why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry, and dream."

For me, that is the love of a mother, that is, maternal empowerment. Ironically, what we can’t see and touch is the fundamental drive of humanity, giving a life the purpose embodied to give, to sacrifice and even to die for another. That is why I could so readily identify with these words from Helen Keller: -

"They took away what should have been my eyes (but I remembered Milton's Paradise).

They took away what should have been my ears, (Beethoven came and wiped away my tears) 

They took away what should have been my tongue, (but I had talked with God when I was young) 

He would not let them take away my soul, possessing that I still possess the whole."

Indeed, when we kiss, cry and dream, we enter into a world where we retire our sight completely and allow our ethereal soul to connect with another, just like the love of a mother that reaches out to hug her sons and daughters. The union is as close a bond as when one nurtures a life within her womb, and the two lives practically intertwined as one. 

Let me end by reminding myself what I once wrote about motherhood years ago. It is the safe harbour we all return to when the storm of life hits real hard. For who can forget the years of tireless labour, thankless most times, yet, the decades of sacrifices go undimmed, unceasing? 

Motherhood is the cornerstone of every relationship. And should you take away that pivotal maternal cinderblock, the whole structure of a person from birth to adulthood (and beyond) becomes unstable.

Mind you, you will be hard pressed to find hypocrisy in a mother’s nurturance. There is often no glamour in it. In anonymity, her generosity is seldom illuminated. That’s the real acid-test of parenthood; for it is its own reward. 

Mothers also don’t win any award along the hardscrabble, but life-sharpening, journey. It is a job beyond the 9-to-5. It is 24, 7, 365. The breaks come when they are asleep. But by then, you are oblivious to the world too (in your jadedness). 

I feel that God made it that way because the first person you see is the one who nurtures you even before you come into full existence. That enduring bond of connection defines all other bonds of varying closeness as you take upon your own journey when it’s time for you to nurture your very own. 

Her labour of love for you, though at times imperfect, is the same labour expected of you when you first lay your eyes on your newborn. It is a familiar and nostalgic vulnerability you see in yourself when she first took care of you unconditionally, unwavering. It is a legacy passed on, because the legacy you first received makes a timeless soul connection that bonds you to your own offspring. 

There is thus no prize for motherhood except the joy of a bond that grows even stronger through every trial of life. No prize, because it is priceless. 

In truth, she can’t live forever, you know that. She can only give you forever in the time she has with you. And it is a forever that you pass down to your own child, as your own child passes down to hers or his. 

That forever is the bond that stories of love and devotion are diligently woven together by a community that has received and given love the way a mother has given hers.

 

What kind of father are you?

Honestly, what kind of father do you want to be?

The late Michael Jackson's father, Joe Jackson (whose full name is Joseph Walter Jackson), passed away on Wednesday at 89 of pancreatic cancer. He was living in a hospice in Las Vegas.

If fatherhood has a unique blend of strictness and betrayal, Joe may just fit the bill here. 

He dropped out of high school, with parents divorced, worked as a steel worker, dabbled in boxing for a while, and also joined a R&B band before they disbanded. 

He also managed and led the Jackson Music Empire which produced the famous Jackson Five with Michael Jackson helming it and subsequently, Janet Jackson's music career also took off. 

When he broke away with Motown Records in mid-70s, that decision launched Michael's career to super stardom status. If not for that breakaway, MJ wouldn't be as successful as he is today, even in memoriam.

It was a casual start for the kids when Joe disbanded from his R&B band. He hid his guitar, afraid that his kids might damage it, but his sons found it, jammed on it and the rest is MJ history. 

But success for the Jackson came with a price. 

Although Jackson senior was strict, focused and bent on making his kids a success, which he has to be given credit for, he was also abusive and he took the opportunity to commit extramarital affairs when he toured with the Jacksons. 

His philandering ways were hardly hidden from his children and he treated it as a rite of passage for the rich and successful, an entitlement which the world should understand. It's almost like the price for fame. 

However, in 1983, led by Michael, the kids dismissed their father from being their manager and distanced themselves from him. Michael said: "It's not easy firing your father."

It reports that to the end, Joe insisted that he had raised his kids in the right way. 

He said: "I got a strict raising when I was young and I've been able to accomplished a lot because of that. And my kids have gotten a strict raising and look what they've accomplished. I think children should fear their parents."

Lesson? Well, I don't know whether kids should fear their parents, but I sure feared mine in the past. 

But my point is that fatherhood is never an easy road. The journey is twofold: marital and parenting. Both of them must be inspired by hope, fidelity and love. 

Hope that your kids are going to turn out well. Fidelity to keep keeping at it whatever the costs. And love to water the weary soul, refresh the spirit and strengthen the bond. 

Joe's experiences of fatherhood is more complicated than it seems. I do not see a point in commenting on it as different people from different perspectives may see it differently. 

Some may think that it is worth it, that is, the abuse and infidelity, if the kids turns out independent, rich and famous. 

Others may see it as highly questionable since he had broken many promises as a husband and father. In the end, his relationship with them, especially his wife, is essentially estranged. 

To me, fatherhood is much less complicated than Joe's. 

It is made up of countless of simple meals shared together with family. It is made up of unscheduled laughters, encouraging words at the right time, the holding of hands to affirm the bond, a smile of pride for the little victories and milestones overcome, rumble and tumble in the sheets for unexpected fun, a hug and a kiss to assure them of your devotion to them, and most importantly, to beat them at loving the love of their life, their mother.

Nothing about all that is about being rich and famous. For me, it is always about being truthful, honest and committed. These virtues are priceless and it takes a lifetime of stumbles as a human father to nurture and sustain them in my life. 

My philosophy is simply that you only have one life of limited span here on earth. So, what truly and enduringly counts is at its end. 

When you finally get to look back from the boundary of mortality, you want to know that you have been true to yourself, have given the best you can, have loved unceasing even when temptation is unrelenting, have never given up hope even in the worst of times, and having survey your bed death, you are surrounded by them, the ones whom you have given your life to, and they are holding your hands, hugging you with tears, and telling you repeatedly, "Daddy we love you". 

I think no fame or riches can compare to that when you finally leave this world as a very human father with all the flaws, but yet, an earnest dad with a heart that stays true, stays strong and stays hopeful. Cheerz.