Procrastination - the sojourners of life.

 

I think when it comes to procrastination, we have to be kind to ourselves. Don’t beat ourselves up over it. Take stock and try again. Keep on keeping on right? 

The article this morning maps out why we procrastinate and how we can beat it. Written by Dr Andree Hartanto (SMU) and Tina Ng Li Yi, a 3rd year student majoring in psychology, it gives us some good tips on how to overcome this sometimes dreaded (stationary) monolith in our life.

But first, the authors differentiate laziness and procrastination. “Laziness simply means being comfortable and satisfied with not achieving anything, whereas procrastination is more complex. Procrastinators want to accomplish something, but their actions prevent them from doing so.”

And there are a few reasons for procrastination. It may be a “lack of clarity on your goal.” Or you “set goals that are too vague and abstract.” In other words, you have no concrete plans to get there, except for a few platitudes about being the best you can be.

It may also be our endless struggles with the initial inertia. As first cut is the deepest, the first step is the heaviest. 

The authors wrote: “Finally, we sometimes procrastinate simply because we can't get the ball rolling. The resistance we have to a task is usually highest before we begin, but once you start acting on it, it's a lot easier to keep going.”

Other factors may be that “at other times, fear, self-doubt and anxiety are the obstacles aligning our present and future selves.” That present and future selves part is explained as follows: -

“Procrastination is fundamentally the result of a disconnect between our present and future selves. When we procrastinate, we are indulging the present self in immediate, short-term pleasures while leaving the future self to suffer the consequences.”

“We do this because humans have a present bias that makes us shortsighted in our goals, wiring us to value instant gratification such as from funny TikTok videos over far-off rewards like the satisfaction of productivity. Thus, procrastination comes from prioritising the present self.”

You will have to read the article about the steps to take to overcome procrastination. As a summary, they suggest setting concrete and achievable goals, be time-specific, and visualise what you want to achieve. That is, to see yourself removing the obstacles, one boulder at a time. Such mental exercise is a form of self-persuasion and self-encouragement. A self-pick-me-up. 

As for the laden first step to a rewarding journey of change, the authors advise: “To overcome the inertia of getting started, identify the very smallest action. Something that's so easy you can't not do it.” And then, do it. If it’s running, well, wear the running shoes first. That’s achievable right? If it is going for a study course, sign up. Press that button or key. Enter. 

But of course, things get more complicated when we are embarking on something that takes a longer time, requires our diligence and commitment, and there are distractions and temptations along the way. Yet, at every intersection of our endeavours, midstream or otherwise, we have to ask ourselves: how much do we want it, and how much we are prepare to change ourselves to get it. 

Bearing in mind that the road to a rewarding journey is not just about taking that heavy first step, it is about a change of heart. That is the first step of the soul of the journey, and it is usually the longest - that is, from the head to the heart. 

And when we embark on the journey with the first step, that changed heart has to keep being emboldened in that same direction from strength to strength to drown out the siren calls to quit, give up and run from it all. This goes beyond not procrastinating. It requires a steely will and a sense of meaning and purpose for the journey ahead. 

Alas, let me end with what time as a whole should mean to us. I recently read a book entitled “When - the scientific secrets of perfect timing” by Daniel H. Pink, and he ended the book with this observation: -

““Taken together, all of these studies suggest that the path to a life of meaning and significance isn’t to “live in the present” as so many spiritual gurus have advised. It is to integrate our perspectives on time into a coherent whole, one that helps us comprehend who we are and why we’re here.””

Make sense? 

I guess it is ultimately about the stories we tell ourselves when we are stuck at a crossroad. Is it a story of awe or dread? Is it a story of hope or despair? Is it a story of faith or fear? 

We all need to be awed by life, once in a while, like a pit stop a car takes to recharge; that is, awed by the birth of life, by the steps a life has taken to come this far, by the love a life has received and the love the life is able to give, by the hope of a meaning beyond a life’s daily grind, and by the joy of the most ordinary a life can savour. 

In other words, do we storify our life, collaborating with it to write our own script, or are we terrified by it, groping in the blank, unwritten pages? 

The reality is, we do not just live in the present, but driven by awe, even in the simplest pleasures of everyday living, we draw upon our past the story of nostalgia, of how we have come so far, against all odds, and we imagine our future, of the hope we can draw from it, of a journey we will eventually complete to enjoy the fruits of our labour, and our perspective of time in the present is therefore widened and deepened by all that. 

By doing so, we see the clarity of our purpose, and why we are here on earth. That is the awe we need, the common thread that joins our past, present and future together. 

That is also what author Daniel Pink is talking about when he said: “...to integrate our perspectives on time into a coherent whole.” That coherent whole is our life’s story, different and unique from others, yet, it is scripted by us, on a blank canvass of endless possibilities. 

So, ready, fellow sojourner? For life awaits, let’s go.

 

CJ John Roberts' address about life.

 

I always wonder, what is the best advice you can give to someone? How do you get them all prep-up for life ahead? 

Mm...if you are rich, you can give them a great financial push ahead of many who have to start with little in the bank. But money can also push one to dig a trench so deep, he or she will have trouble getting out of.

And if you are not rich, how do you encourage your kid so that they are fired up enough when confronting the furnace of life? Well, there is some truth that if you are going through that furnace, the only way you can get out stronger is when the fire in you is hotter than the fire that seeks to consume you. How do you then fire up that spirit within for a lifetime of lighted and guided path for the journey ahead?

Some years back, CJ John Roberts gave a speech to ninth-grade graduates of Cardigan Mountain Boarding School. I think it sums up life rather well. It is a good advice to give to anyone looking for a good wake up call. Here is how he puts it. 

“Now the commencement speakers will typically also wish you good luck and extend good wishes to you. I will not do that, and I’ll tell you why.

From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty.

Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either.

And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship.

I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. 

Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes."

Truly, he’s right. You know he is. You too are familiar with what he is saying. Whether you wish the cohort well or otherwise, the randomness of life will have its way with you. 

At some point in your life, you will be treated unfairly, suffer betrayal, be lonely, encounter bad luck, get your just or unjust deserts, lose, be looked down at, be ignored, or go through pain. Your kid will come to experience them too, no matter how much you try to insure their life against it. 

You can’t ensure he will make it to the desired school or course. You can’t ensure she will marry right. You can’t ensure fortune will always smile on his business venture. You can’t ensure her body will live up to its bargain. And you can’t ensure he will always follow the straight and narrow path. 

The last time I checked, life is still a box of chocolate. You never know what you’ll get. Some chocolate have already melted. Some are too hard. Some are too sweet. And some are too bitter. 

Genes, luck and character, they all play their part to pave a unique (sometimes daunting) path for each and everyone of us. Not everyone has their future path on surefootedness. 

I know some of you would rather just live and have less talk about it. What’s the point? How does CJ John Roberts’ speech change your life right? 

Anyway, life is never meant to be smooth sailing. A dingy in a vast ocean of uncontrollable/unpredictable tides and weather just about sums it all up, right? A speck of dust can’t will a change in the wind’s direction, so what’s the point?

Yet, the opportunity cost is even greater. Because, for every low, there is an even lower point we can go. For what are we if we lose faith in words? For what are we if we just live by autopilot? What are we if we can encourage a soul discouraged but keep mum because we just don’t think that it will make any difference? Yet, most times, it does make a difference. 

Words may be a part of the narrative, and action is the rest of it. Yet, CJ John Roberts echoes the wisdom of the ages, and for many who listen, even at their lowest depth, they can’t deny the power of its suggestion, even if it is just a nudge to change their direction. 

Let it echo in your spirit again, for what it’s worth, regardless of how deep you are in your situation. “Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortune.”

Yes, there is a message. There is a choice too. And you’ve heard about life throwing lemons at you, well, you can take CJ Roberts’ message as a shovel to dig yourself deeper in or dig yourself eventually out - one intentional shovel at a time. 

And it doesn’t take much from you, just that inborn ability to see hope as the message in your misfortune. And hope is always a good micro-start/step for a change in the needed direction.

 

Kintsugi of life.

I have always been fascinated by the Japanese art of restoring brokenness. It is called Kintsugi. 

The metaphor it carries (for life) is deep and rich, also reassuring. It concerns a vase, an antique or a vessel not being discarded for being broken, but restored. Not being condemned, but rehabilitated. This bodes well for a life, one as broken as yours and mine. 

Kintsugi is also about the golden joinery where cracks are joined together by lacquer mixed with gold or silver. The end product is a broken vase made whole again with its brokenness revealed, not hidden or covered. 

That's about sums up a life in this hardscrabble path of pain, sorrow, and disappointment, where triumphs and hopes are found both in the valleys and the mountaintops. 

Years ago, I read an article by author and philosopher Gary Hayden who wrote about Kintsugi. He quoted Ernest Hemingway who said "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken pieces."

 

Life indeed challenges us all. Even the rich and powerful confront life on equal footing. Their wealth and power form shadows that haunt them at night. No one born to this groaning earth lives in a bubbled world, because the heart is rebellious and faces the prospect of brokenness. 

I recall a preacher once put a question to a class of children: ”If all the good people in the world were red and all the bad people were green, what color would you be?” One little girl thought about it and her innocent face glowed. She replied: “Reverend, I’d be streaky.” 

Mm...come to think about it, Kintsugi is about that kind of streaky. Those strips of colours covering the cracks have no particular order or pattern. It is not preset. None of our streakiness is the same. The pattern is unique to each person. Our brokenness may originate from the same source, that is, our journey in life, but it breaks us at different times and places, different seasons and spaces. 

One theologian puts it aptly: “Somewhere in each of us we’re mixture of light and darkness, of love and of hate, of trust and of fear.” 

Indeed, life makes victims of us all. Even for the rich and powerful, death, sicknesses and pain do not pass them by. 

The birth of a life is the start of this peculiar agony. We dive into living in our youth - careless and free. We dream big and hold on to the constellation of hope. We trust easily and give wholeheartedly. We suspect little and let go without doubts. 

As we grow older, with marriage and kids, with increasing responsibility on our overburdened shoulders, we start to crack at the seams. Our soul becomes weary by the heights that pride brings us with the painful plunge that awaits. Sorrow and disappointments come by like our next door neighbors and betrayal of the heart strikes like predictable storms. 

No one escapes a broken heart. Sooner or later, the delirium of youth gives way to the disillusionment of age. Epictetus once wrote: "Don't demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to. Accept events as they actually happened. That way, peace is possible."

That's the illusion of control. It is the antithesis of contentment and peace. 

Life will not bend to our rules. We can strive for financial security but not necessarily emotional satisfaction. We can work up a healthy diet and exercise regime but are unable to stop the fatal mutation of a cell. And we can achieve academic titles but not character growth and maturity. A classroom does not prepare us for a world that stokes our innermost appetites and set fire to our hidden lusts. 

Life plays no favourites too. Even at times, what you sow is not what you wish you reap. This is another control fallacy - to think you can micromanage choices so that the consequences are ringfenced and well tamed.

Well, reality check, life is not a well-managed zoo where our animalistic emotions are neatly caged for merely display purposes. They break out sometimes and run wild when circumstances (as we age) grow beyond our expectation and control. The fear of death makes anxious freaks out of all of us. 

And at some point, faith will test you. Hope will leave you. And love, especially love, will break you. They will conspire to stretch you to breaking point. Like a vase or a vessel, you will crack; some pieces will fall off. 

Alas, I return to kintsugi - the Japanese art of restoring broken antiques. The point of Kintsugi for me is that life is not one red-carpeted glam walk from start to end. Not even close. For we can very well determine the color of our sail, but never the tides, winds and waves while at sea.

Here, I recall this, blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in light. Indeed, an insulated life is an alienated life that never grows because it is never tested. It takes comfort in the dimness of its own limited experiences, or worse, deluded expectations. 

And if experiencing and embracing love is the summation of a good life, then love will not leave us the way we are, that is, dependent and deluded, immature and empty. 

Love will test and break us. Love will leave us open and vulnerable. Love takes us out of our comfort self to share and sacrifice with others. Love joins our heart with another and doubles the exposure. It also doubles the overcoming. 

Yet, the cracks grow us. Brokenness steels us. And the wounds empower us. Like the lacquer-streak of gold or silver in kintsugi, it reminds us how far we have come and how much we have grown. For we may come out streaky, but that is the messy colours of resilience. 

Mind you, resilience does not come from unbrokenness. It comes with each piece restored to become one whole. Brokenness as a community thus holds us together better than the arrogance of invulnerability, where we are set apart from the community. 

For that's the kintsugi of life, and the goal of living and overcoming, not with a heart unbroken, but one made whole, made stronger and made with depth of compassion, by brokenness.

 

Tan Siew Ling - An Extraordinary Spirit

Do we see the universe as being kind to us? Well, 33-year-old Tan Siew Ling did, and she’s blind. 

In an interview with Deputy Life Editor Wong Kim Hoh, she said: “the universe has been kind to me.” She added that “she has been blessed with good friends as well as supportive bosses and colleagues who help her face the challenges life has thrown at her.”

Now, what has life thrown at her? Let me list them down for you.

First, her sight. 

She lost it at a very young age. The world became completely dark when she was only 11. Wong wrote: “Trips to the optician couldn’t fix the problem, so she was referred to specialists who said her failing vision was a result of optic atrophy. It was not until much later, in 2017, when doctors discovered four tumours growing in her brain that she was diagnosed with Nerofibromatosis Type 2.”

Second, her father died two years later, when she was only 13. 

She said: “He had medical issues although I don’t know what happened to him. In the last few months before he died, he was in a feeding tube.” At that time, Siew Ling has an older brother, and he was doing his O levels that year.

Third, her mother had renal failure in 2007. 

She said: “My mother’s health suffered. We didn’t have the finances to get that fixed so her diabete and hypertension caused her to have renal failure when I was 19. She needed dialysis.” 

Fourth, her mother’s passing. 

That was a deep blow to Siew Ling. She loved her very much. It happened in 2015. ““When my mum was around, my world revolves around her. When she passed away, I had to reintegrate into society. Learning to ask for help, learning to tell people that I needed help, like “Can you accompany me for dinner?” It wasn’t easy.””

“My mum is gone, what I need to do is live.”

Well, recall that this is one tough soul who said that the universe has been kind to her. And it was kind because she has an understanding boss. Ms Ku Geok Boon, chief executive of SG Enable. 

Ku offered her a job as executive assistant. She was grateful and said: “SG Enable really walks the talk. My bosses and co-workers were willing to redesign jobs and accommodate my needs.” 

Her brother, Yan Cai, was also a pillar of support for her. He is her closest kin after her parents passed away. She said: “He spoils me rotten, accompanies me to all my medical appointments, talks to me and has never once complained. He and his wife always drop in on me.”

She also met and drew strength and hope from a blind research scientist Yeo Sze Ling. “Dr Yeo started losing her sight at four but went on to earn three degrees, including a PhD in mathematics...Her World Magazine named her its Young Woman Achiever.”

Under Dr Yeo’s encouragement, Siew Ling “became the first blind person in Singapore to pass Chinese O and AO-level exams in 2003 and 2005 respectively.”

Siew Ling also went further to complete her A levels at Tampines Junior College and graduated in 2011 with a Bachelor of Science in economics and finance jointly offered by SIM and the UOL. What an indefatigable spirit!

And while we are still at the challenges life throws at her, the fifth one is truly devastating. Not long after her mother passed on (in 2015), she discovered that something was wrong with her. 

She said: “There were a lot of sounds emitting from my brain: whining, buzzing, chanting, a lot of white noise as though a radio was on 24/7.”

“The doctors didn’t know how and if things would change in five years. It turned out that they didn’t need to look beyond five years. A few months later, I couldn’t hear already,” Siew Ling recounted. 

So, I return to how kind the universe has been to Siew Ling. Here’s a recap. 

At 11, she could not see. At 13, her father passed away. At 19, her mother had renal failure. Her family struggled with finances, depending on scholarships and bursaries to pay for her education. At 27, her mother, whom she loved dearly, passed away. And at 35, the world was silent, not a sound was heard. It was like the world she had known at 11 withdrew from her gradually and completely, first her sight, and later her hearing. 

However, after going through all that, this is how Siew Ling saw life - it’s still good. She has friends, mentor, employers and the love of her brother and his wife. She is grateful. She is contented. 

Oh, did I also mention that all this while, Siew Ling has four tumors growing in her brain? Recall her medical condition Neurofibromatosis Type 2? Alas, whatever type it is, Siew Ling is the type that never gives up.

This morning, if you are struggling with something, whether in school, at home, in your marriage or at your workplace, spare a thought about how the kind universe has treated Siew Ling. And yes, she did say this - “after my mum is gone, what I need to do is live.” 

This is the universe that Siew Ling was born into, yet it is still a universe of hope, love and dreams fulfilled for her. Life may have dealt her one devastating blow after another, but she only wants to live, and go on living. She chooses to see enduring kindness in an otherwise blind and soundless world. 

Personally, I thank Wong Kim Hoh for faithfully bringing this piece of heaven in a world many would have called it, well, hell. 

If anyone of us hates Monday, or for that matter, is frustrated with life for not going your way, I believe Siew Ling knows just how you feel. She not only lived it out, one furnace fire at a time, she also wants to live it well. She’s not giving up, and she even took up running in 2013. However, she stopped when her mother passed away in 2015. 

But last year, when the pandemic struck, Siew Ling received a call from Mr John See Toh, 61. He is the founder of Runninghour, “a running club that helps people with disabilities participate in sports and integrate with mainstream society.” John encouraged her to run again, and she took her first step in this marathon of life. Mind you, by then, she has also lost her hearing. 

John said: “We worked out a touch system of communication with her - turn right, turn left, slope ahead. Despite that, she had a fall in the first month and suffered a sprained ankle which put her out of action for two weeks. But she’s very driven and resilient.” Indeed she is. She’s not just a runner, she’s a fighter too. 

John said: “She is quite something. The word defeat does not exist in her vocabulary. She’s gone through one thing after another but she always picks herself up.”

Well, I can’t imagine the resolve in her to run in a world that she can no longer see and hear. I can only imagine that there is another world within her that is determined to make every step counts, and to finish every race life throws at her. 

We are always encouraged to see the world in a new light, and to listen to the beauty it has to offer. But for Siew Ling, it is a world without light and sound. Yet, she still saw beauty in it. She still hears the sound of an encouragement, the voice of a human touch, and the whisper of hope undimmed. 

They are all beyond our five senses, and they are the things that make up our inner world. They are the building blocks of our faith, building us up to face the world outside of us. For if we strive to still the storm within, we can face any storm without. 

So, kudos to you Siew Ling, for bringing new light and sound into a world we often take for granted. A world whose riches, joy and gains are beyond what the world of sight and sound can ever hope to offer.

 

The Extraordinary in the Ordinary.

 

We want our children to be extraordinary. We want them to stand out, to be outstanding. The script is to never be forgotten. Leave a mark that is forever. Be the legacy everyone will never forget.

In business, be the Schultz, Tatas or Bransons. In finances, be the Buffets and Soros. And in technology innovation, be the Gates, Zuckerbergs and Bezos. 

Our dreams for our children are boundless. We want them to excel in whatever they do, and never settle. Be at the top of their game, and always striving to be the best, the head of the line. 

But what is extraordinary then? What is the “extra” in that word? How about outstanding? How far “out” there do we expect our kids or ourselves to go? 

Everybody wants to be a billionaire. But how about the honest wage earner? Everybody wants to build empires. But how about the one who builds a home for the family? Or the one who lays a brick for the company? Or the one who live an honest life, caring and sharing regularly, even anonymously. 

And everybody wants to be famous. We all want many to know us. We covet the attention - the more the merrier. But how about a father whose kids offer the most heartfelt eulogy at his wake? He may not be well known by thousands, but to the handful his life has touched, he is well loved, never forgotten. 

The question is, what is this pursuit of the extraordinary when such pursuit often leaves us feeling that we have scrambled up a ladder that is leaning on the wrong side of the wall? In other words, a ladder leaning on a wall with just you at the top and no one else. 

This reminds me of a poem entitled “Make the ordinary come alive” that goes against the grain of all that. It keeps us marveling at an ordinary life, for the many extraordinary milesones in it. Some of you may be familiar with it. Here goes...

“Do not ask your children,

To strive for extraordinary life,

Such striving may seem admirable,

But it is a way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder,

And the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

I always thought that the “extra” in extraordinary has to be something more than just being ordinary. But I was wrong about it. My mistake was failing to distinguish the mediocrity and the extraordinary in the ordinary.

 

You can be mediocre in the ordinary or extraordinary in the ordinary. The reality that you are ordinary is not to be despised. What is to be despised is someone who despises an ordinary life, wishing to be somewhere else, hoping he is someone else, never having a mind that is contented and at peace with himself.

Such a man will never be extraordinary even if he becomes famous, rich and possesses everything he strives for. Because even in his glowing status, adored by thousands, he will not be contented. He will not be at peace. He will not settle. Even in his death bed, his fist is raised in the air. 

At this point, some may say that what I have written is nothing but a consolatory piece, that is, self soothing self. But on the contrary, I see it as a contentment piece, self overcoming self. For you can be rich or poor, and still struggle with life. Because deep inside, nothing is ever settled and right. In the end, it is about a perspective to see beyond what you have, and savour the growth in the nurturing relationships you never leave behind. 

Here are three encounters that I find most extraordinary. They are examples I can only wish for myself and my life. 

I attend church regularly and sometimes I sit in the kids’ section. Without fail, carrying their son into the room was a couple who have been attending church for decades. 

They would occupy the front row, and as the message was being preached over the big screen, the couple would take turns to play with their son. He is mentally challenged, and despite his cries and wailing, they never let up caring for him. That’s truly extraordinary for me. A lesson that is timeless about a love that is boundless. 

I have a friend whom I have known for more than 30 years, and for a period of 16 years, he had been taking care of his wife. She had been battling with lupus, and at the end stage of her life, her immune system turned around and attacked her own organs. 

He told me he had many sleepless nights and when I asked him what kept him going, he answered simply, “she’s my wife...I love her”. That can’t be anything but extraordinary. 

And finally, some years back, I brought my daughters to Tanah Merah Terminal to welcome my wife back from Batam. My youngest girl was very excited about her mom’s return. She said to me that she has been waiting for it since Friday when she left. When she saw her, she ran over and hugged her. 

The bond was deeply touching for me. It was in many ways extraordinary. It was a moment filled with the simple pleasures of life. A moment when in one’s passing matters more than anything in this world. 

They are all extraordinary in their own ways, and none of their extraordinary efforts in the most ordinariness of living can be considered as mediocre. 

One is about parental sacrifice, the other is about spousal devotion to the very end, and the other is about a mother’s love. 

And in the ordinary lives they live, what inspires me most is how extraordinary their love, faithfulness and hope for one another are. Nothing comes close. 

Let me end with what I wrote about a life of great impact. 

I dream of a life of great impact,

But what I got is my daughter's hug.

I dream of a legacy others will marvel at,

But what I have is my son's respect.

I dream of a world that will remember me,

But what I have is a night with my wife, truly free.

And I dream of fame and riches I can touch.

But I think you've guessed just as much.

For what I have is a walk with my daughter down the aisle.

My reality seems to have missed my dreams by a mile.

They are so different from the dreams I wanted so bad.

For they are the dreams that’ve kept me running mad. 

But I know now it's not my reality that has missed the mark.

It's my dreams that’ve always boxed me up. 

They have led me away from the things that matter.

And held me to a mirage wishing for something better.

In the end, I do not want to miss the forest for the trees.

I do not want to chase dreams that are just not for me. 

I will not trade my reality for a dream, chasing a myth. 

And in dreaming miss out a life waiting for me to fully live.