Billionaire's Breakups.

 

You know, at some point, people are going to ask a lot of questions about billionaires’ breakups. How did it happen? Why did it happen? Don’t they have everything? Doesn’t money solve all issues, if not most?

Today’s ST highlighted a number of them. They have more money than they can ever spend all in several lifetimes, yet no amount of it can guarantee a lifelong union. We all know that. Money in fact brings in more issues. 

Tech nerds are no different from the Don Juan DeMarcos of this world. Bill Gates’ 27-year-old marriage can’t bear the wily strain of his marital indiscretions. They may be world-renown philanthropist couple, saving the world from common plagues one life at a time, and even being named Time magazine 2005 (together with Bono), but when it comes to till-death-do-us-part, it’s more like till-I-can’t-bear-with-you-anymore-we-part.

Reports have been circulating that Bill “pursued several women working for him at Microsoft and at the (charity) foundation.” Bill is also a friend of financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. And they have had several private meetings in early 2000s. 

Adding to that list is the world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, 57. He is worth an unbelievable sum of US$177 billion. He married novelist Mackenzie Scott in 1992, and four kids later, in 2019, they divorced. They separated before that. 

Again, rumors swirled that Jeff was involved with current girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez, before the divorce in 2019. 

Anyway, Mackenzie has since remarried to a high school chemistry teacher Dan Jewett in March this year. I guess chemistry beats big data hands down? 

Then we have the mercurial Elon Musk. His relationships are complicated, being divorced three times, twice with the same woman (actress Talulah Riley) that he had an on-and-off affair with, even during his first marriage to Canadian author Justine Wilson. Elon Musk has six children with Justine in a 8-year union. 

Lesson? You know, as I read the report (by Benson Ang), I ask myself, what marital advice can I give to my two daughters when it comes to choosing a life partner?” 

Well, my mother always half-jestingly tells them to marry rich guys - for at the very least they will be rich in a breakup and be set for life; if happiness for a lifetime is just not a realistic goal with one’s spouse.

She does have a point you know, even if it is a shallow one, because Mackenzie and Melinda are billionaires after the split up. Mackenzie met Jeff at a hedge fund in 1992 when she was his assistant. And Melinda was a general manager at Microsoft. Mind you, Mackenzie is now happily married and Jeff thinks he is a great guy. Mackenzie is giving her billions away. 

Anyway, we always tell our daughters (or sons) that marriage is to be taken seriously. Mutual respect, understanding and dignity are the red fine print in a marital vow. But, over time, marriage has to fight with age, overfamiliarity, contempt and temptations, which this world obviously lacks none of. 

So, if I would to offer an advice, bearing in mind even the wisest men, namely, Confucius and Socrates, left their marriages in tatters, I guess I would tell my daughters straight up that happy people in a marriage cheat too. That should get their attention, right? And ground them in reality too.

 

Money may buy you respect, deference and all the boastings you can throw at those who secretly envy you and want to be like you, it may also be a prominent reason why you stray in the first place. For success may bring many things to the marital table, but it can also break it for good. Look at King David...enough said? 

(And I wouldn’t even talk about Solomon, whose status differs greatly with the common man, of course). 

Going back to my daughters, I think I would gently remind them that sexual exclusivity in a monogamous union intended for life will always be an existential challenge, not just biologically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

As a father and a husband myself, in a marriage of 21 years, my daughter must know that an enduring marriage starts not at the aisle, not even at the honeymoon, where intimacy and consummation are established. Ironically, it starts only when you start to have second thoughts about it, and in turn, confront yourself to choose how you want to respond to it. And such second thoughts will surely come. Doubts are an integral part of us, so are faith, hope and reconciliation.

My daughters must know that their best insurance against a breakup is to love intentionally. There is no autopilot to love. Nothing loosens the heart from its marital promise more than a heart that starts to take things for granted. 

In fact, my son ought to drill that into his spirit, for it takes two to clap, two souls intertwine. Soul mates are two souls joined as one, and not two souls doing their own things. 

So, to my kids, your best bet for confessing “I do” at the aisle and “I still do” at your deathbed is to arrest every moment of second thoughts. Because they, like emotional weed, do grow over time when you let them be (of course, this differs for different people in different seasons trapped in a perpetually abusive relationship). 

Other than that kind of toxic marital union, the promise of faithfulness is a lot of work, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. 

Let me end with the wise words of a renown psychotherapist Esther Perel, who wrote the book “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity”.

“Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew - or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment; rather, it mandates an active engagement that long-term couples often lose. The realisation that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense.”

“The current of aliveness, once awoken, is a force hard to resist. What must be resisted are the dwindling curiosity, the flaccid engagements, the grim resignation, the desiccating routines. Domestic deadness is often a crisis of imagination.”

So, keep not just the flame of passion alive; ignite your imagination too. For monogamy, like rental renewal, demands your conscientious engagement to keep the heart and mind focused on, and stand unwavering by, the signed dotted line.

 

Bill and Melinda Gates - Divorce.

 

First it was the richest couple, Jeff Bezos and MacKenzie Scott in 2019. Now, it is the fourth richest couple, Bill and Melinda Gates. Yes, you’ve heard. They are divorcing; in modernspeak, it’s decoupling. 

The Bezos marriage lasted about 25 years. The Gates union lasted about 27 years. The former have four adult kids and the latter (Gates) have 3 adult kids, the youngest is 18. 

Billionaires do get divorce you know. They are emotional beings too. They vacillate between love and hate, envy and contentment, sorrow and joy too. Like the Beatles song says, “Money can’t buy me love.” 

Wealth or fame, or both, does not provide lifelong innoculation. Akin to the covid vaccination, you either adapt or change in a marriage. For the Bezos and Gates, well, they change. Some marriages endure, others just end. 

Bill (65) and Melinda (56) may be a match from day one, marrying in 1994, with symmetrical goals to make the world a better place, but personal vows are not always made for a lifetime. There’s no guarantee in this world. 

“Over the last 27 years, we have raised three incredible children and built a foundation that works all over the world to enable all people to lead healthy, productive lives.” The statement they both released on Monday reads. 

“We continue to share a belief in that mission and will continue our work together at the foundation, but we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in the next phrase of our lives.”

“We ask for space and privacy for our family as we begin to navigate this new life.” 

Together, as a couple for the last 27 years, they have led in a grand vision to make the world a place where many find hope and live out their dreams. Their Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has pumped in more than $36b between 1994 and 2018. The foundation has over $51b in assets.

 

Just last year alone, during the Covid-19 pandemic, they have given out some $1.75b to vaccine initiatives and research. 

After the split, they said that the work of the foundation is likely to go on. Bill said: “This is not some small family foundation that’s going to fall apart because a marriage is falling apart.”

I wish them all the best that lifelong friendship bestows. The fact that they remain friends, and responsible parents to their children is what is most redeeming about their 27-year union. 

Lesson? Well, not really a lesson, but a statement that I hope this is not going to be a trend - whether as an subtle encouragement to cut the knot or discouragement to tie the knot.

Mind you, rich people are trailblazers. And the Bezos and Gates wield great worldly influence because in terms of achievements, whether financial, technology and philanthropy, they serve as examples for others to emulate. A shining city on the hill, the gatekeepers and trendsetters of society. 

In a joint petition filed to dissolve their marriage, they cited that their union was “irretrievably broken”. I know divorces. As a family lawyer, I have attended weddings where love is prepared to overcome all. For it is all in their eyes, that is, the way they look at each other. The eyes are the window to the soul, the doorway to the heart. 

When the eyes lock in warm embrace, holding the champagne glasses before a crowd of witnesses, you can feel the radiance of a new commitment on a journey that may, for some, turn out to be more experimental than covenantal. That journey is however reflected in the soul of their eyes. It glows. It’s shared vision. It takes hold. 

But, in the office when you see the eyes of someone who has finally mustered the courage to file for divorce, a decision not lightly made, the eyes are almost lifeless. It’s tired, jaded. It’s pained, expressionless. 

Overcoming love had somehow been overwhelmed. And the last straw that broke the back is not so much in the weight of the straw, but it is in the back that has given up long time ago. Emotional divorce indeed precedes legal divorce. And the eyes tell more than what the ink on paper can ever express. 

So I can imagine what Bill and Melinda, not as billionaires but human beings, have gone through. Imagine having so much in common as husband and wife, and both so devoted to nurturing three grown up kids, while at the same time, having built a philanthropic empire that aims to transform lives all over the world, yet, hearts joined in fulfilling responsibilities could not remain joined for marriage. Like water droplets, the years hide an erosion that no one had anticipated. 

Their sad state of the union is captured in their joint statement - “we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in the next phrase of our live.” Indeed there is no guarantee in life. 

I started the lesson by saying that I hope this doesn’t become a trend. For each marriage is like a fingerprint - no two of them are alike. Personalities differ. Circumstances differ. Life-paths of couples differ too.

 

At times, staying together requires couples to fight together, and not each other. You are therefore accountable to the love you have promised to another. You may not be as rich or famous as the Gates, but everyday is a choice in your marital journey, a personal choice that all adds up. 

And news of a famous breakup is not an excuse for you to claim that a lifelong marriage is a myth. It ought to challenge you to believe that the choices you make make the difference. Anything that is lifelong requires a lifetime commitment. 

Let me end with a marital advice from a famous couple too. He was asked - “What would you say is the secret to a long and happy marriage?”

He replied: “First of all, we accommodate each other. There was nothing we fundamentally disagreed on. She knew knew my quirks and I knew her eccentricities.” 

Like Bill and Melinda Foundation, they too have laid the cornerstone of a foundation, being equal-partners in a marriage with three adult children. They are Lee Kuan Yew and his lifelong partner, Kwa Geok Choo. 

And like I said, there’s no guarantee. Yet, whether a marriage is experimental or covenantal, the only guarantee is in the choices we make, one day at a time.

 

The Bezos divorce.

When you married in 1993 and have four children, and both of you are worth more than $150 billion combined, going your separate ways is going to be heartbreaking.

So, how did Jeff Bezos (55) and Mackenzie Bezos (48) take it? How did they take the divorce in a marriage of 25 years?

Regardless of who was at fault, this is what Mackenzie said in her parting shot: -

“Grateful to have finished the process of dissolving my marriage with Jeff with support from each other and everyone who reached out to us in kindness.”

“Happy to be giving him all of my interests in the Washington Post and Blue Origin, and 75% of Amazon shares plus voting control of my shares to support his continued contributions with the teams of these incredible companies.”

“Excited about my own plans. Grateful for the past as I look forward to what comes next.”

And here’s what Jeff said: -

“She is resourceful and brilliant and loving, and as our future unroll, I know, I’ll always be learning from her.”

“I’m grateful for her support and for her kindness in this process and am very much looking forward to our new relationship as friends and co-parents.”

Well, if not for the divorce, those two seem like they are actually in love for the second time round. Those parting words could very well be love letters written to each other to reaffirm their passion and commitment. 

And the billionaire couple has turned marital bind into friendship ties, with their commitment to parenthood remaining just as robust as before. 

Honestly, I don’t think money plays such a large part (in the largely conciliative divorce) since I have read about ultra rich couples divorcing with much fanfare and acrimony, especially when the other has been unfaithful. 

I know money can placate souls, even splitting ones, but most times, money is the source of aggravation too. 

So, maybe there are three kinds of divorces to watch out for in this modern world. 

The first kind is one that cannot let go of the past. The betrayal consumes the betrayed party. He or she will always be the victim and that defines their whole identity, even their future recovery. 

The author, Esther Perel (“The State of Affairs”), calls this first group the Sufferers. 

She wrote: “Couples like these live in a permanent state of contraction. To the unfaithful, the betrayed spouse becomes the sum total of her vengeful fury. To the betrayed spouse, the unfaithful becomes the sum total of his transgressions, with few redeeming qualities.”

“Marriage like these may survive, but the protagonists are emotionally dead. In any case, when past infidelity becomes the hallmark of a couple’s life, whatever was broken can’t be pieced back together. The relationship wears a permanent cast.”

Then comes the second kind. The couples in this group are moving out of the past but are caught in the present. They want to rebuild their life separate from the divorce but somehow, they encounter some resistance. The pain still lingers. The disappointment takes hold. The regrets swell. 

Perel calls this group the Builders. 

She wrote: “These couples can move past the infidelity, but they don’t necessarily transcend it. Their marriages revert to a more or less peaceful version of the status quo antebellum - the way things were, without their relationship undergoing any significant change.”

She added: “An affair is revealed in a relationship, and an affair reveals a lot about a relationship. It sheds a stark light on its constructs - the cracks, the imbalances, the dry rot, the subsidence, but also the strong foundations, the solid walls, and the cozy corners. 

The builders focus on these structural strengths. They are not looking for massive renovations; they simply want to come back to the home they know and the pillow they can rest on...Ultimately, lying and deceiving are more agonising than thrilling, and the end of the affair is simply a relief. When they look back, the whole episode is an anomaly best forgotten.”

Lastly, the third kind. 

They are the wayfarers, planetarians, plotting their own future, mapping their own stars. They look forward to a future not so much by leaving a broken marriage behind, but transforming it into a friendship of immeasurable worth. They do not just live in a stasis-like present, struggling to forget the past, they instead live for the future, striving to make a better one. 

Perel calls this group the Explorers. 

She wrote: “The affair becomes a catalyst for transformation...In contrast with the sufferers, who conceive of their ordeal as moral absolutes, the viewpoint of the explorers is more fluid. They more readily distinguish wrong from hurtful, paving a smoother road for clemency.”

I guess the Bezos fall snugly into this group. That is why she can say, ““Excited about my own plans. Grateful for the past as I look forward to what comes next.” And he can say, “... am very much looking forward to our new relationship as friends and co-parents.”

Lesson? Treasure. That’s the lesson from this breakup. Treasure. 

Whether we admit or not, the statistics don’t lie. Divorces are real. 

In 2014, out of 28k marriages, about 7k ended in divorce. Divorce was highest in marriages between 5 and 10 years, about 26%. 

People break up for many reasons, not all of them are bad reasons. Many stay together too, but not all of them are for good reasons. 

And I’ll leave you to sort out why some couples of twenty to thirty years stuck together for reasons that have nothing to do with the first vow they took at the altar, when the passion was the highest, and the dreams were the loftiest. 

This quote by Irish-philosopher John O’ Donohue should wake us up on the lurking reality of a straying heart. 

“It is always astonishing how love can strike. No context is love-proof, no convention of commitment impervious. Even a lifestyle which is perfectly insulated, where the personality is controlled, all days ordered and all actions in sequence, can to its own dismay find that an unexpected spark has landed; it begins to smolder until it is finally unquenchable. The force of Eros always brings disturbance; in the concealed terrain of the human heart Eros remains a light sleeper.” 

Mm...while Ero is a light sleeper, treasuring your marriage means that the Ero in the dark chambers of our hearts always finds itself on the same marital bed when it is aroused and awake. 

We do that by keeping that first altar promise close to our heart, by nurturing the relationship instead of seeing it as an obligation to the kids, by focusing on the little things and not trying to overcompensate with the big ones, by guarding our desires with renewing passion, and by stripping novelty of its lure because what is new is not always what is lasting, or better.

And treasure works the other way too when a marriage breaks up. That is the reality many cannot avoid. It happens and happens when Eros has the better of us. 

We fall, we stumble, that’s a fact. We stagnate or we move forward, that’s also a fact. 

Treasure here means to find a safe space with close, compassionate friends to get back on our feet again. 

Treasure also means letting the hurts in the past go so that we may heal eventually. 

Our soul however broken has to move on and we have to treasure the process, invest it in with rustic determination, that is, to treasure the present recovery and treasure the future possibility of growth and discovery. 

We owe it to ourselves to find restoration, peace of heart, forgiveness, and love again. 

So, whether we are married or go our separate ways, we treasure what we have, where we have it, and what we can do about it. 

Nothing is a dead end unless we make it so. Nothing has to fall into pieces if we are prepared to piece them back together again. And nothing is without a future unless we condemn it to live in the past forever. 

All this applies to marriage too, lest one thinks that planning a memorable, expensive wedding dinner in a big splash of passion is where one’s effort to love ends and autopilot takes over. Cheerz.

Ahok's divorce and the challenge of marriage.

It is a sad day. A day marked by a broken marriage. 

Ahok's divorce from his wife, Veronica, was granted by the court. He is 51 and she is 40. They have three children, 19, 16 and 11.

Here's a brief background.

Basuki met Veronica when she was 19, and he proposed to her in 1997. 

At that time, they were both active members of the Kristus Yesus church in Pluit, North Jakarta. She was a member of the church's choir and he was on the church committee.

Basuki loved the way she played the piano and sang, and she fell for his resolute character.

When Basuki decided to enter politics, she decided to follow him and supported him wherever he went. 

Even when he was partnering Joko Widodo in 2012 and became the deputy governor and governor of Jakarta in 2014, Veronica was his dutiful wife, supporting him and ferrying their children to and fro. 

She performed her role as a mother faithfully to her successful politician husband.

Then came the public revelation according to court's record and evidence. 

Basuki presented to the court that "the marriage is no longer harmonious due to his wife's love affair with Mr Julianto Tio."

The evidence consisted of "conversation between (Tio) and (Veronica)" which included "form of photos of chats from a mobile messaging app". It revealed "a close and special relationship."

Basuki's sister, Ms Fifi, filled in the gap here about their secret relationship. 

She said that Tio was a former friend of Veronica's sister. Tio was a married businessman and Ms Fifi said that "his affair with (Veronica) stretched seven years."

It reports as follows:-

"Describing Mr Tio as a "deadly seducer", (Ms Fifi) said that Basuki exhausted all efforts to keep the family together, including confronting Mr Tio in 2016 to leave his wife alone for the sake of both marriages.""

Even Basuki's son confronted Tio "to tell him to keep away." But Tio denied the romantic relationship, "though they continued to contact each other."

What is disconcerting is that the evidence in court showed that "(Veronica) had concealed the identity of her "good friend", Mr Tio, on her mobile phone by using a nickname for him."

The judge said: "To deceive anyone, including her husband, (Veronica) changed the name of Julianto Tio on her mobile phone to another name, Medan Elang (meaning "eagle")." And they would communicate in Hokkien which the husband does not speak."

Veronica did not engage a lawyer to defend her and all parties did not appear in court. 

Basuki (Ahok) is currently in jail for blasphemy. He has been serving his sentence of two years since May last year. 

Lesson? One. 

I think the danger of marriage is the danger of the idea of the perfect couple. And let me be frank. I suspect the "poison" in the wedding cake is the poison of unearthly expectations. 

The perfect couple must be everything to the other, that is, a consistent provider, a super-sexual lover, a self-sacrificing partner, an unconditional giver, a tireless spouse, a stimulating companion and best friend, even soul mate.

I once talked to a friend (who is married now) and she admitted to me that she desires for a simple and godly husband who satisfies about 36 of her criteria of what makes up a Christlike Husband, that is, he has to be honest, humble, responsible, forgiving, loving, faithful and the list went on and on. 

Her expectations were truly unearthly, and in my mind, should she find such a man, I don't even know whether she will be worthy of him.

Alas, I think the greatest challenge to monogamy is to think of the marriage as a series of tests to be fulfilled (or hoops to be jumped over) once you walk down the aisle with your so-called ideal partner. 

As such, we enter into holy matrimony armed with a checklist, and then as the day goes by, and the weeks turn to months and years, we start to feverishly tick the boxes of eagerly anticipated virtues as if we stand apart from the union like a quality inspector checking for faults and flaws in an assembled product. 

But human relationship, especially a union meant to last a lifetime (or both lifetimes), brooks no binary answers, clear-cut definitions or easy resolutions. 

It is not like a cut or a wound where you can plaster it over and watch it heal overnight. And once the scars are gone, the pain is wholly forgotten. 

In fact, there is a word (or two) for marriages where couples never disagree, argue or have differences. It is called separation or emotional divorce. 

In the same way you can't divide a sunbeam with a butter knife, you cannot expect a wound of the heart to be healed or stitched up overnight, where the pain of a betrayal is both totally forgiven and completely forgotten. 

The irony is that the prerequisite for forgiveness is remembering. The only difference is that what is remembered is not so much the pain and hurts of the past but the mutual pact to heal and overcome in the future. 

So, remembering is the forward-looking verb to the future tense of forgiveness. 

Let me end with trust. It is indispensable in a marriage. 

If you can't trust, you enter this marital journey at your own peril. It is like a backpacker going on a road trip by staring at his map all the time without even bothering to survey his surrounding once in a while to see where he is heading to. 

The map is the ideal we jealously hold about marriage and monogamy. It is always well delineated, well presented with colours and all. But it is not the actual reality, that is, the actual journey we trek upon.

And because the map does not reflect reality, and does not reveal all its meandering and even treacherous nuances, we often lose our way and fall by the wayside. Some of us even give up the journey. 

But trust in marriage is like the horizon we see before us. It is an experiential journey with your covenantal partner, and both of you take it with your eyes and hearts fully open, ready to meet the challenges ahead, that is, the insidious bends and sharp turns, and to eventually overcome together. 

More importantly, trust does not hide our human vulnerabilities or brokenness, but it joins (or melds) them with maturity, resilience and hope.

And because with trust, unlike the metaphor of a map, you see beyond the trials that a couple face to the endless horizon of hope, devotion and love. As such, your marriage is always resilient and transforming to overcome disappointments, broken expectations and even emotional betrayal. Cheerz.