What sparks joy in your life?

It takes so little to be joyful, why then does it take so much to experience it? Why is it a struggle?

Let me share with you what senior consultant Dr Mok Yee Ming (of IMH) has to say about joy in his article, “What sparks joy in your life?”

He first defines it. “The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes it as the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. It is also defined as a state of happiness.”

Mm...prospect of possessing what one desires. That seems to be the key. Seems simple enuff. In a nutshell, well-being or joy comes from getting what you want. 

But what if you do not get what you want? What if getting what you want eludes you throughout your life, and what you get is what you have, no more and no less? 

If possessing what you desire is joy, what if you possess what you think you do not desire, thereby falling short of what you want, is that the opposite of joy, erm, like resentment? Envy? Disillusionment? Disappointment? 

Where is the spark of joy in that life? 

Well, Yee Ming said that he is inspired by the writings of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist who was interned in the Nazi concentration camps during WWII. 

Viktor lost his mother, brother and wife in the camps. He had nothing that he wanted or desired while trying his best to survive in a place that was hellbent to break him to pieces and drain his soul of the desire to live on.

Yet, Dr Frankl wrote the momumental book “Man’s Search For Meaning” and his conclusion is this: “people are primarily driven by a “striving to find meaning in one’s life.””

Yee Ming wrote: “He felt that even in the most absurd, painful and dehumanised situations, life has potential meaning. I cannot even imagine the pain he must have felt upon losing his loved ones and the suffering he had undergone. But in the midst of all this, he was still able to find meaning in life. Life was still precious to him.”

Lesson? Just one. 

Yee Ming wrote about the alt-national anthem we Singaporeans often sing to after graduation, that is, the 5Cs - cash, credit cards, condo, car and country club membership. 

We know them by heart. We drill them into our soul from the get-go when we are released into the workplace. Those 5Cs are the trappings or symbols of success in our 1st World Economy. No one who is successful in the world’s eyes can do without them. 

But Yee Ming noted that we are no more happy with the 5Cs than we are without them, or without some of them. He wrote: “Regardless of how rich or poor you are, you stand an equal chance of developing depression.”

Maybe, the secret of a joyful person is not so much about possessing what you desire, but to be desired for who you are, that is, to be loved unconditionally, and in return, to desire that which is an end in itself. By this, I mean the pursuit not of things but virtues, not fame but personal growth, and not riches but relationship. 

On this, Yee Ming has this timeless advice: -

“It is about looking after yourself, taking time to make sure you have sufficient rest and exercise and taking time to challenge yourself in learning new skills and hobbies.

It is about relationships, being with family and making and maintaining a good circle of friends. It is about looking beyond your own needs, counting your blessings and helping others, especially those who are in need.”

None of the 5Cs featured prominently in that advice. Now, no doubt, we wish our children well as they go out to the labour force to make a living for themselves. 

We wish that they will excel in the things they do, earn a good income and be recognised for what they do. Along the way, we want them to flourish, and that also means prospering at their own time. 

Yet, as parents, this is what ultimately counts...when your child is tired, when the tides of the world toss and turn relentlessly, and they will, and when storms come to disrupt their little soul, you want them to return to where it counts the most, that is, a place of contentment, rest and peace, a place of unconditional love. That is home. 

A home is where his or her little heart will always find the anchorage and refuge they need to re-calibrate, restore and recharge, even re-purpose. 

We as parents must remind them that they are given only one life to make it count. In this life, there will inevitably be mistakes, detours and falls. What would a life of growth and resilience be without them right? 

But, as they learn to pick themselves up, change their thinking, perspective and ways, we wish for them to pursue things that count, things that last lifetimes, and they are the things Yee Ming talks about, that is, taking good care of oneself, having a good rest, learning new skills, loving family, good circle of friends, counting one’s blessings and helping others. 

In the end, it is about doing one’s best and never forget what matters in life. For in the rough seas out there, always look for the lighthouse, where the safe harbour is for one’s soul, which is never far. 

Let me leave you with this verse written four thousand years ago.

“Fill your bowl to the brim

And it will spill.

Keep sharpening your knife

And it will blunt.

Chase after money and security

And your heart will never unclench.

Care about people’s approval

And you will be their prisoner.

Do you work, then step back

The only path to serenity.”

(Tao Te Ching).

Mother's Day stories of courage and love.

When I woke up this morning, I saw my 14-year-old daughter secretly preparing breakfast. She said it’s for her mom because it’s Mother’s Day. 

It was a scrumptious breakfast with bacon, choco-chip pancakes, scramble eggs and cheese, and they were all perilously stacked on top of one another, like a cheesy Leaning Tower of Pisa. 

Incidentally, if you google the leaning tower, this pops up: -

“The famous Leaning Tower is located in Pisa, standing on a grassy field known as "Square of Miracles"”. This is an apt theme for Mother’s Day this morning. 

For me, the leaning tower represents maternal imperfections and it nestles on the grassy field of miracles. These little miracles are seen in the eyes of our children. That’s the enduring picture of motherhood on this special day.

If you read the papers today, the Life section, three single mothers stand out. They are Ms Faridah Ali Chang, Ms Nancy Thio and doula Ginny Phang-Davey.

Reading their stories, you will note they do not put themselves out as supermoms, but as ordinary moms overcoming extraordinary odds. And they are extraordinary because they never gave up. 

Just for the purpose of this post, I would like to bring out the story of Nancy Thio. She is a lawyer. 

Her husband, Thomas, passed away in 2011 of colon cancer. He was only 38. 

Before that, Nancy said that “life was ideal for (us). We were married five years before we had kids. We travelled the world. I loved him very deeply.”

She recalled that Thomas was promoted quickly and posted to many countries by his company. During that time, they were relishing the good life. 

However, when he had cancer, Nancy stopped working for two years to take care of him. 

She said: “My identity was very derived from my husband. He was a very intelligent man who rose from zero to someone people looked up to. He was a very loving and responsible father and husband.”

After Thomas passed on, Nancy was completely lost. She had to take care of their three children. She said: “To be a parent is already tough” and her early season as a widower mum proved to be an “overwhelming, lonely and brutal journey.””

“There were times when I wanted to run away from my children. I felt like an evil mother...I had self-doubt and self pity and I couldn’t go out with friends who were couples. I was labelled as a widow and felt my family was incomplete without a father.”

Nancy said that she spent her time hiding in the gym, “drank to numb her pain and took midnight drives alone.” She added: “I was physically present for the children, but emotionally absent. I couldn’t deal with the fact of raising them on my own without my beloved husband.”

Two incidents thereafter changed her life around. Here is the first incident as reported. 

“...about three months after his death, when the tyre of her car burst on an empty road.(Nancy) remembers sobbing by the kerb for an hour and angrily telling God: "This I also have to do."”

She said that “the car had been her husband's domain, besides finances and household maintenance such as changing the lightbulbs.”

"I felt very tired and helpless. I was thinking about what people told me, that time will heal. But I looked at the tyre and realised that if I sat there and did nothing, the air was not going to go into the tyre. I had to do something. In the same way, I had to take small steps to recover from my grief and help myself and my children. That was the turning point."

This was when Nancy signed up for counselling. She also joined Wicare Support Group for widows and their offspring.

Her second turning point was when she asked for forgiveness from her children. 

"They were like me - I was cold and angry and didn't want to show that I was vulnerable and grieving. We had been very sociable, but now we were withdrawn as a family."

Nancy conveyed to them that "mummy can cry and not build walls.”

She said, “Children are very forgiving. Over time, the family grew closer and stronger.””

Lesson? Just one, and it brings me back to the “square of miracles” where the leaning tower stands. 

Mothers can’t do it alone. If it takes a village, then at the centre of that village are little miracles they experience with their loved ones, in particular, their children. 

For Nancy, her three children turned her tears into bridges not walls. Her kids stood in the gap for her after Thomas passed on, and their forgiveness healed the relationship.

Let me end with one of Nancy’s turning points when her tyre burst. 

You’d recall she said: “... (as) I looked at the tyre and realised that if I sat there and did nothing, the air was not going to go into the tyre. I had to do something. In the same way, I had to take small steps to recover from my grief and help myself and my children.”

Indeed, the journey of life, healing and restoration is sometimes as simple as pulling ourselves up and taking the first step to, well, pump air into the tyre. 

Just as air is not going to go into the tyre on its own, miracles are not going to happen if we ourselves are deflated, empty and broken. 

Nancy said she took “small steps to recover” and every step since that day by the kerb has transformed her life and her relationship with her children.

And I am sure this is what Thomas wanted for her and his children, that is, a family (with all their vulnerability and frailty) standing on the bountiful field of miracles whose sown seed is and has always been overcoming love. 

Blessed Mother’s Day to all. Amen.

Life has a way of turning things around - William Wan's journey of life.

William Wan knew that life has a way of turning things around if you do not give up.

He shared the most intimate struggle of his life with us in the papers today, entitled: “Fired? Take it as being re-fired in the kiln of life.”

It all happened 20 years ago when he was 51. He said: “I was in the prime of my chosen vocation in the not-for-profit sector.”

He recalled that he was “unceremoniously terminated” after three years of work locally. He had signed a five-year contract, which was extended to 10, only to be fired in three. 

Up till today, the reason for that decision was “still enshrouded in mystery.”

That’s not all. 

William was also accused of “no fewer than 31 allegations of misdeeds”. But he wrote that they were “immediately withdrawn after they were made known and found to be totally ludicrous.”

He said he could have sued for wrongful termination and defamation, but he withheld his hands. He said he chose not to prolong the pain. 

The thing about William’s article is that he is viscerally honest, open and candid. He hid little of his personal angst from his readers. 

He admitted, “Still, I was and am no saint.” 

“I recall the feeling of shame, anger and bitterness. The thought of doing something violent did cross my mind, I must shamefully confess. That must have been my lowest moment. But thankfully, it remained a thought and lingered only momentarily.”

You must understand that he started his article with a news report “about a young man arrested for allegedly murdering his boss after he was fired a second time from his job last month.” 

And that is why he related his own anguish in the open for all to read. He too harboured “violent thoughts.”

Apart from the sleepless nights and extreme stress and anxiety, William wrote, “I found myself grieving a deep sense of loss - the loss of my community and a personal death - feeling that something important to and in me had just died.”

To him, it was a deep betrayal. And the betrayal was from leaders who were his childhood friends. The thought that they “conspired to destroy (his) reputation was very difficult for (him) to accept.” 

The tale however has an amicable ending.

He admitted that he “was able to accept the reality” and even conceded that he “must have contributed to the situation in the way (he) reacted to their high handedness.” 

He said: “I decided to forgive anyway and that set the stage for some public apology and reconciliation 14 years after the firing. They reached out to me and I responded in kind.”

He added that one of the lessons he had learned was to always keep a positive mindset. 

He said, “in my case, my positive mindset was sustained by my personal faith. I believe that good can come out of any bad situation. I am grateful that the firing turns out to be a re-firing process in the kiln of life, in which a useful vessel emerges from a slab of messy clay.”

“Fire or re-fired? It’s a matter of perspective. I chose and continue to see it as an opportunity to be re-fired and that changed my life.”

Lesson? Mm...

It’s monday, and two days later, it’s Labour Day. It is a day of rest and reflect. And Dr William Wan’s faithful spirit to overcome the valleys of his life cannot be a better start to refresh the jaded soul of the labour we give day in and out for our family and loved ones. 

If you read his powerful testimony, he sums it up with these words, “we are all flawed humans”, “personal pain becomes less excruciating when shared with family and friends,” “we should practise forgiveness for our own well-being, freedom to move comes from the ability to forgive and be forgiven,” and “we must be ready to reinvent ourselves. There is life beyond our comfort zone.”

On reinventing oneself, William returned to becoming a lawyer and has been successful in his own rights, starting the kindness movement and receiving accolades and recognition for being an exceptional leader.

Alas, it just reminds you about that life-throwing-lemon aphorism, right? 

Mind you, William did not just turn it into franchised lemonade stands for sale, he moved on in life and achieved even greater things that touched and moved many lives. 

But what captured my soul in his testimony is that part about us being “a slab of messy clay.” William said that out of the re-firing kiln of life, he emerged a useful vessel handcrafted out of a slab of messy clay. 

I can imagine the master potter at work here, molding and kneading us in every possible angle, compressing and packing it in, at times putting us back into the re-firing kiln, just so that the finished product would not only be life-transforming privately, but others-inspiring, publicly. 

Mm...I always wonder, what is truly the gift of life. I trust it’s not just the time we are born. That may no doubt be a gift, but it is the second gift that transforms us permanently, completely. 

That second gift of life is empowering because it shatters all the presumptions we have and hold about ourselves. It shatters our comfort zone. It shatters our arrogance and self-conceit. It shatters the belief in our own invulnerability. It shatters what we thought could never be shakened. 

As a sidenote, we Christians always go on our knees in anxious prayer when our foundation is shakened only to discover that the one shaking it is none other than the fashioning hands of our master potter. 

Likewise, this second gift of life is enduring and transforming because as William puts it, “I am grateful that the firing turns out to be a re-firing process in the kiln of life, in which a useful vessel emerges from a slab of messy clay.” 

Indeed, what a refining vessel he is. The mishapen, unwieldy clay surrendered to the kiln’s fire, and in the anvil of faith and hope, he emerged stronger, better and most of all, with a heart of humility and charity. 

That messy clay turns out to be the master’s masterpiece. Amen.

A God for the Poor.

A God for the poor?

I always wonder, is there a God for the poor? By poor, I mean those who struggle with minimum wage. They come in all roles conceivable - that is, husbands, fathers or mothers who are largely making ends meet. They also struggle with their mortgages and kids' education expenses. They have little savings because they do not earn enough. Most times, they get exploited and are taken advantage of. They live from hand to mouth.

Is there a God for them? Is there a God for their children who have to depend on hands-me-down, skip lunches as they barely have enough for meals, and work part-time as they study to support their family? 

I write this because I often hear televangelists telling their congregation that following Jesus’ footsteps means expecting great things, mainly endless material blessings. 

Mind you, the Duplantis, Osteens, Roberts, Tiltons and Copelands of the mega-prosperity gospel have all happily jumped into the hundredfold bandwagon to equate faith with fortune, belief with blessings and devotion with possessions. 

It is often said that believing in God comes easy when success shadows the believers, especially for those who come to their wealth via family inheritance. 

For those who are successful, God can’t help but seem closer, more real, more tangible, and this reminds me of the Bible study session conducted by Eleanor (Michelle Yeoh) in opening scenes of the movie Crazy Rich Asians in the comfort of her multimillion-dollar mansion.

And how often does one hear this from the rich and prosperous exuding much envied humbleness: “God is blessing me. I am nobody without Him. All I have is His, my possessions, my promotion and my wealth. I wouldn’t be here without His strength, His guide and His help. I am just a servant, a humble steward. I own nothing. Indeed, all is His.”

But, what does a believer who has little (the poor) have to say then? He can’t claim prosperity the way the rich and prosperous can so humbly disclaim with infectious modesty. He has nothing to his name. He is more worried about how he is going to pay the bills, hold down a job, and save enough for the near future. 

Well, at this juncture, I want to add that it is almost second nature for the already prosperous to tell them that if they truly believe, their time too will come. In other words, they can be equally rich too. 

But good intention aside, that kind of name-it-and-claim-it gospel might just turn out to be the glittering hundredfold bandwagon sailing pass the rest of the struggling world as they trumpet the prosperity gospel from their first class seats. Can you then blame the poor for thinking that maybe God has forgotten them?

So, what is the everyday reality? 

At some point, we have to come to accept that, for every person who succeeds, there will be dozens who do not make it. The ratio matches the leadership, that is, one leader or employer to hundreds of workers - give or take. It is never the reverse. The system we have to contend with is invariably skewed that way. 

It is a socioeconomic pyramid with the handful at the top and a very broad base at the bottom. This is the way it is even if there is high social mobility, and this explains why Jesus said that the poor, we will always have with us. Although he meant it another way, the identification in the majority is just about accurate throughout history. And most of them will leave this earth the same way they came.

So, where does that leave the poor then? While there is a God for the prosperous (so claims the prosperity gospel), do we have a God for the poor, the struggling, the deprived and the disadvantaged for all their life? 

My thoughts on all this came to an illuminating point when I met a client this week. He came to me because his wife was seeking for a divorce. It was a long 27-yr-old marriage with two young adult daughters doing reasonably well academically. 

They were also reasonably well off running two businesses earning a high monthly income. They in fact have two properties, though mortgaged, but were worth quite a lot in the market. At one point, he even told me that they once owned two luxury cars and were living large. 

But he told me that things went downhill when he lost big in the stock market. After that, he met with a tragic road accident when he rear-ended another vehicle. He was hospitalised for months and could no longer run his business as before due to his serious injuries. He now earns close to minimum wage and is struggling to make ends meet with a divorce to worry about. 

I am not here to write about the divorce because there are many factors involved in a marriage of 27 years, but what he shared was that he found his faith after he met with the accident. He told me that he thought he was going to die, but he miraculously came back to life. He said that God gave him a second chance and he has learnt his lesson. He is now a devout believer but he has little to his name - contrasting with what he once had before. 

At this point, he admitted to me that he was nevertheless happy. Despite everything, he has found a certain reassurance, clarity and hope in his life. It was not something that he had when he had money. In fact, he told me that his happiest days were when his wife and him were struggling to make ends meet when they first got married living in a small rental flat. 

I said that that was ironic and he nodded. He recalled a time when he was travelling in his luxury car with his two daughters arguing behind, and across the road, he saw a family with kids crowding at the back of an open lorry, laughing as they were sharing heartily. 

This encounter kept me thinking about the God that the poor has - like the client of mine. It is a God who is different in form and substance from the way the prosperity gospel has painted or airbrushed him. 

I felt that the greatest misconception is to equate God with prosperity as if such blessings is the only aim of His redemptive plan for His people. 

We often make God into our own cultural image because we want to make him the reason for our prosperity. Somehow, that adds a certain sacred and religious glow to our status. We therefore sell God in a way that fits our image of what we want him to be. This misattribution gives us a sense of control, entitlement and uniqueness (or specialness). 

Now, let me be clear to say that I am not saying that prosperity and godliness are incompatible. What I am saying is that godliness is much more than prosperity, even at times, to the exclusion of it. For the greatest amongst us is often the least amongst us. The disciples of Christ come to mind here, right?

In other words, it is not necessary the case that you are rich, therefore you are godly, and you are poor and you are (so-called) god-less. Most times, I dare say that God is the least concerned with your financial status because His blessing is about a life that bears fruit, and the fruit is never one-dimensional, that is, material success. 

So is there a God for the poor? Of course there is, just as there is a God for the rich. More relevantly, He is the God of the harvest and in the harvest field of redemption, we all stand equal before Him, the rich and the poor. For at the end of the day, the ones who are truly rich are those who unfailingly strive in their lifetime to bring the fruit of the Spirit in their life to full bloom. Amen.