Kindness with a touch of consideration.

The message is simple: kindness without a touch of consideration can lead to distress. 

Reported by Malavika Menon, the title captures this admonishment well: “Don’t post online about vulnerable folk, social workers urge.” I guess it is a matter of time before society realises that even an act of kindness can be carried too far. 

MSF minister Sun Xueling said: “When you put up a video or a photo, apart from the fact that you might be infringing on the privacy as well as confidentiality of the vulnerable person, sometimes you may be bringing unwanted attention to the vulnerable person.“

Another commentator, Ms Siti Rohana Hanson, manager of Social Service Office @ Bedok/Geylang Serai said: “To have quite personal information published, it brings them distress. They are out in the community and people may look at them differently.”

I think this message is important, because kindness is not an unqualified good, and there are risks to the ones we seek to help. Causing them distress is a very real outcome. That would defeat the purpose of the kindness being shown to them, even if it is one-off. 

Mr Brian Monteiro, manager of shelters and programmes at Catholic Welfare Services, who conducts regular night walks with other members of CWS in an outreach called Night Mission, said: “The lives if these vulnerable individuals do not become better after their information is shared online. Often, their faces are publicised, they are questioned and they move away from their familiar locations.”

He added: “They do not ask for money or pity, only that they are treated with dignity and respect. They are still human beings and fellow Singaporeans.”

Lesson? Just one. 

I guess we will be well-advised to lean our kind hearts to the wisdom of Matthew 6: -

“...But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”

That is why our kindness has to be tempered with consideration. At times, kindness done under the bliss of anonymity is an enduring reward for both parties, that is, the giver and the receiver alike. For the receiver, it is the benefit of privacy protected and the kindness extended. 

Here is a sobering reminder from a homeless man: “When people take photos or videos of us, posting them on social media with our faces shown, our families will know about us and be affected.”

For the giver, it is the simplicity of charity that deepens the soul onto the anchor of authenticity. Such act of anonymous kindness is unembellished, and its intention is unalloyed (pure). 

Imagine that, the giving hand is done without the other hand even knowing it. It is carried out in ceremonial secrecy. And it is of such anonymity that is devoid of any fanfare and the complicated emotions that come with it. Thus, the “reward” is a lighter conscience knowing you have made a small difference in a stranger’s life. 

At most times, publicity muddles the waters and blunts the motivation. In other words, it risks adulterating the initial agenda. Mind you, kindness does have its own KPI and we may unwittingly turn it into a competitive or performance sport because we secretly relish the attention we are getting from it, online and offline. 

So when kindness mutates into a hierarchy of conscious rankings, we would have turned it into a transactional act that swallows whole the soul that is initially seeking for a purpose undefiled by worldly benchmarks that rewards sensorially, and most superficially. 

Abraham Yeo, co-founder of Homeless Hearts, makes this honest observation: “Ultimately we draw the line at what’s the agenda behind posting photos or videos of these individuals - is it to raise awareness or for people’s own agendas?” 

Of course, there will be times when publicity with discretion and discernment is required, to raise public awareness, to raise funds, to right a wrong, and/or to push for legislative action for sustainable impact, but there has to be a balance in and consideration for the kindness offered to the recipient. 

In fact, MSF strongly encourages members of public to refer individuals who may need help to MSF and “our partners will coordinate and render support to ensure that they get the necessary assistance.”

I believe the article targets individual acts, most times done spontaneously, by people with a kind heart. And we must always give them a benefit of a doubt, because even in the soft terrain that a kind soul is treading on, there are uncharted minefields - like the lures of popularity in social media - that the unwitting may fall into. 

Alas, I like to think that our passion for kindness is like a calm river stream, which is refreshing to both our soul and the soul of the receiver. But when that passion develops a deep undertow running underneath, we risk being pulled into it and the outcome may be self-defeating.

 

Vigilante Justice on the net - Caltex Driver.

Something good came out of it. 

Facebook user Kelly Yeo did the right thing to raise the matter to Caltex. The pump attendant does not need to bear the balance of $115. Caltex assured the public that they will bear the balance.

It was a good ending for all except the driver of the BMW. 

I don't know whether is it because he drives a BMW or is it a case of the perceived rich-poor divide, but the driver was not spared the public humiliation and harassment. 

What should have ended there and then sadly spilled over to a police report. 

The driver yesterday filed a police report, stating that he was "worried for the safety of his family after netizens identified him online." 

This is what the police said:-

"We have looked into the matter and established that no offence was disclosed. It was a case of miscommunication between the pump attendant and the vehicle owner on the amount of petrol to be pumped at the petrol kiosk in Tampines. We have verified that the vehicle owner was due to trade in his vehicle on the same day, and would not require more than the necessary fuel."

The police advised the parties to settle the matter amicably.

But amicably was not what the netizens were looking for. 

Somehow, they did their own sleuthing around and did it rather well and thorough. They managed to suss out the target, troll his workplace address and position, display his family photo, and even stiff out his personal handphone number. 

No private detective could match the online detective in timing, information and details.And that explains why the BMW driver now fears for his safety and his family's safety. 

He noted with trepidation that "since the Facebook post went viral over the weekend, netizens have plastered (his) personal details online, including his purported name and occupation."

He said: "After reading some of the comments on the Facebook post, I decided to lodge a report as I am afraid that these people will come to my house."

He added that he had received "many nuisance calls, SMSes and WhatsApp messages".

Lesson? Three.

If there is one thing I can "fault" the driver, it may just be his lack of magnanimity (I am just thinking aloud). 

In my view, he should have just paid the $125 and walk away. Live and let live. I know I would (on good days). 

But that's a form of moral imposition on my part. He is not me, and I can't expect that from him. 

He was just about to trade in his car and it was more likely than not that he had told the uncle that he only wanted a refill limited to $10, and not full tank. 

It is thus likely that it was a miscommunication. No one was to be blamed by society's standard of social norm. 

Alas, we may expect a kinder society, but what's more crucial here is an understanding one. 

Personally, I can be a rogue one day, impatient and even crude, depending on my mood, but on another day, I may be exemplary in my thoughts and deeds. No one lives with monastic goodness 24/7, 365, all year round. 

I know myself, and I am far from perfect. Too far. 

This brings me to my three lessons.

1) Justice. 

Sadly, I can't expect much understanding from media justice. When we hide behind technology, performing our panopticon surveillance for self-perceived culprits and crooks, what most are going for is sensation, popularity ("Likes") and controversy. 

Honestly, I don't expect much mercy too. Forget about moderation, think overdrive and overkill. 

The justice meted out by the social media is more blind than the blindness of that lady holding up the scales of justice. 

Think many sledgehammers busting a nut to smithereens, and I hope you get the picture. 

There is also no perimeters to such vigilante justice either. You can't ringfence it, reason with it or control it because it is essentially faceless, restless and tactless. It spreads like virus and leaves no stones unturned. 

Unlike a judge who sits in the court and is accountable to a high enacted standard he or she has to abide by, the media justice is accountable to no one. They are out there and are on the prowl. 

They are "ringfenced" by their anonymity and it is an invisible wall made up of a lot of hot pent-up air. 

And if you happen to be caught in their crosshair for even the slightest transgression, it is not the transgression that is severely punished, it is the transgressor - it is you. 

2) Privacy. 

It is said that privacy is partly a form of self-possession. You are most yourself when no one is watching and listening. 

It is our sacred space for reflection, correction and redemption. Take away our privacy and we are essentially dysfunctional ("not of our own").

We lose our sense of self. We are effectively dispossessed of our true identity. We become what the society (who is watching and listening to us) wants us to be. We are walking fake. 

And in a world of media justice, where the Police's ballad comes glaringly alive (that is "Every breath you take and every move you make, I'll be watching you"), our privacy, our sacred reforming self, is the white elephant in an e-fortress of god's eyes (in the form of spontaneous handphone cameras and trigger-happy internet postings). 

And...finally, 

3) Dignity. 

To be fair, public shaming via the media has led to exposure of acts that deserve to be exposed. And the culprit like molesters, bullies, cheats and fraudsters deserve the comeuppance. 

But it can also go the other way and strip many less deserving, or the misunderstood, of their dignity, privacy and worth. The damage can be lifelong.

While the media honours heroes and shame crooks, it can go overboard by punishing those who happen to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong crowd, and in the wrong mood (which can be anyone of us!).

Unfortunately, it can also lead to hypocrites taking all the credit and the hapless taking all the blame. Recall that media justice with no filter and discernment is more blind?

You see, everyone of us relishes being the self-appointed judge of society, and none of us enjoys being the accused. 

But as much as we love to judge and preserve/project our rightness to others, we also stand guilty of being the accused in the many vulnerable areas of our life. 

That is why I sincerely believe that for a society to be kinder, gentler and compassionate, we first need to understand and be understanding. 

We need to understand that every Internet finger pointed at the target on our private screen is more than one finger pointed right back at us. 

Surely, we do not want to live in "an Orwellian world where tastes, relationships and pinpoint GPS locations are public knowledge to whomever is manning the server," but a world of understanding with the protected right to be forgotten. 

Kindness without understanding is superficial and understanding without kindness is hypocritical. 

And privacy means that our past no longer haunts us in the form of a playback locked in a thumb drive or recorded for posterity in the Cloud. 

Our right to be forgotten in this media age is as important for us to be human as our right to social justice and security. 

So, I return to the BMW driver with a family. I hope he will be left to his own to reflect. I hope that what has happened is soon forgotten. 

For there has to be a secret garden we go to to be alone, unharassed, that is, a quiet spot, so that we may learn to be human, to be self-aware of our vulnerabilities, and to make amends for them without being forced to do so. 

That is, a sacred space we can be ourselves. Cheerz.