I am different.

Why is it that so many people still think that the normal rules of life do not apply to them? Why do they think that they will not make the same mistakes? Why do they rebel against the universal principle of sowing and reaping? Here are 5 gung-ho statements to sadly prove my point:-

1) I am different. This is the mother lode of the other 4 points below. We think we are different. We think rules of humanity do not apply. If there is any description about us that fits like a glove, it has to be this Hercules mentality. Our self-confidence is out of this world. The delusion is real deep. We think we are invulnerable. We are chosen, special even. Others may fall because they are weak, foolish and lazy but not us. Not me. We will not fall into the same trap as them because we are just different. This time, it’s different. We will somehow lick this problem. Now let me expand further below.

2) I will never get caught. If I get a dollar for every time Enron's 
founder, Ken Lay, the grand vizier of ponzi scheme, Bernie Madoff, and the dictator Saddam Hussein make this hubristic statement, I would be a millionaire by now. Now, a crook knows how to maneuver under the legal radar. That much is admitted. Some can do it for what seems like ages. That is a fact too. But even so, everyone has his bad hair day and no crook is an exception. No matter how crafty or slippery he is, he will eventually trip, slip, miss, leak, boast, break, falter, wobble and get caught. He is 
human and human does what human does best. And that is, he will overestimate, overreact, overcompensate and over-reach. When that time of reckoning comes, he will be the cause of his own unraveling; the author of his own misfortune. This is the rule rather than the exception.

3) I have enough. I know this seems unfair. I mean, what's wrong with that? Surely if a person says he has enough, he has had enough, right?
 Well, it depends on the context. Let me tell you the tale of two contexts. Many years ago I went to prison to interview an inmate for a family matter. He was convicted for having sex with his underaged student. He told me that he saw the errors of his ways. He has turned to Christianity and has been reading the Bible. He then looked at me stoically, and with tears in his eyes, muttered, "I know I am wrong. I will change." When I came out of prison that day, and everyday after that, I somehow 
believed him. I believed that he had enough and he will change. The last time I heard about him is that he has found a job and is earning his keep. Now I can't promise for how long he will stay that way. But I can tell you that I earnestly felt his remorse that day. It was deep and infectious. It was real. Here is the other context. Recently a client told me that he loved two women, his wife and his mistress, who happened to be his secretary. He said that he will change. He said he felt bad for his wife who has 
been so devoted. His wife even told him that she trusted him hundred percent. Looking into my eyes, he said that he will break off with his mistress because he has had enough. Somehow, I was not too convinced. The last time I heard, he went on an exclusive holiday with his secretary. Just the two of them. In a final breaking-off-goodbye tour? So much for having enough. I guess he had had enough of having enough? And this is my point: Oral confession not backed up by outward confirmation is nothing more than inward deception. We deceive ourselves when we promise to change but make no effort to do so. We pay lip service to it when we admit to our faults just so that we can offload our overburdened conscience. It is a feel-good confession just to placate a deep-rooted denial. So when a man says he has enough, the question in reply is this, "Does he have enough to want to change?" If not, then what he has enough of is nothing more than a sentiment arising from the inconvenience of a pricked conscience and not the 
determination coming from the conviction of a broken and repentant heart.

4) I can change if I want to. This is the ultimate Hercules mentality. This self-belief is a belief in our own invulnerability. It is hubris well preserved in a vat of formaldehyde. It is also dangerous because if to err is human, then to believe that one is unerring is inhuman. We can't escape the fact that we are sometimes not in control of our own destiny. For this reason, we should never tempt fate. I heard of a recent news about a pastor who personally took the scripture about poison snakes literally and picked one up. The snake bit him and he died. This is a sad tale of how a misguided form of  self-belief can end most tragically. And we have to remind ourselves constantly that there is more to a person's resolve than self-will. Most times, we are victim of circumstances beyond our control. This is not readily admitted I know. Many social experiments have been
done to show that seemingly obedient, respected and steely adults can go haywire when they are either placed in a hierarchical structure of authority or are given absolute power to act as they please. For isn't it said that if we want to test a man, give him power? I sincerely believe that within us, which many may not know or want to admit, is a lurking opportunist ready to exploit others to further its own purpose and at all costs. Given the perfect storm of the right place, the right time, the right victim and the right immunity, we will unleash it like a wild pack of wolves. And this is mostly beyond our control. No man is the absolute captain of his ship – there is always the tides and waves and the storm to override or overpower him. The point is that the feeling of control is mostly context-dependent. If you approach a churchgoer after a Sunday service, or even after an altar call service, and ask him whether he harbors any indecent or revengeful thoughts, the answer is obvious. He will rebuke you. But if you put him in a different place and time, away from the churchy crowd, 
and assure him of complete immunity and privacy, you may just be pleasantly (or rudely) surprised with his reply to the same question. So, the self-belief that a person can change if he wants to (just like that) should be taken with a pinch of salt. Sometimes the person may be sincere and sure about it at that time, but given a change of circumstances, it may just be less assuring.

AND

5) I am better than them. Are we? Am I? I have come full circle from the first point of "I am different." The fact is that we are no different from all those people who have come before us and have fallen thinking that the rules do not apply. I dread that many will take this Hercules mentality to their graves. I am guilty of this too. If we conduct an honest assessment of ourselves, we will find that the only thing we are better than others is the misjudgment (or overestimation) of ourselves. And I am afraid we might not learn from history not because history did not happen but because it did not happen specifically to us. I guess learning a lesson from personal experience is much more enduring than learning from a text, lecture or some indirect sources. And this is the reason why I shared the tale of the two contexts earlier to show that unless we turn the mirror on ourselves and truly examine our motives and confront them with verve and raw honesty, our remorse may just be self-deceiving (and self-serving). Alas, history will repeat itself and we will just have to ride through our own deluded sense of invulnerability until such time when we are forced to confront its punishing end. Let's just hope that the end will not be six-feet deep. Cheerz. 

Pride's threesome.

Let's fight pride. Let's starve pride of attention. Let's defang pride. Pride is readily identifiable but it is the hardest to subdue. Of course, not all pride harms or reeks. I would have to be fair. Pride can be beneficial in some situations. Apart from that, pride can destroy character, marriage and all other kinds of relationship.

I will skip the definition of pride here which we are all familiar with and highlight three manifestations of pride in our life. They have to do with interpersonal relationship. They are captured in the following statements:-

1)   You are wrong period yet you insist you are right.

2)  You know you are wrong yet you refuse to admit you are wrong.

3)   You are right and you insist that others acknowledge that - regardless.

The first form of pride is the most pernicious, venomous even. It manifests itself in a situation where you know you are clearly wrong but you still insist you are right. For whatever self-justifying, hideous reason, you are an old stick in the mud. And because of your insistence (that you are right), you convince yourself that the fault lies with everybody else except yourself. There is in fact no self-delusion and self-grandiose more annoying than this first manifestation of pride. Alas, this form of pride takes years, even decades, of diligent pruning before it takes over. While this kind of destructive pride comes with age, I have seen a small section of our younger generation exhibiting a whiff of it.

My only consolation is that theirs is a passing rebellion and with time, they will learn and hopefully learn early in their life. But my sympathies are with those who simply refuse to turn the mirror on themselves. I always believe that redemption is not free. It comes with a price. And that price is to accept that we all make mistakes and the only way to learn from our mistakes is to confront it, humbly accept it and then repent from it. Harder said than done I guess.

Now let's proceed with the second manifestation of pride. This second form rears its ugly head when you know you are wrong yet you refuse to admit you are wrong. It is less stubborn than the first but it still does enduring harm to relationships. This is most common in the workplace. Unfortunately, there seems to be an unspoken Darwinian-like competition to be right. It appears that there's infinite glory to being right and biting humiliation to being wrong. Especially in a situation of hierarchical rankings, the superior is often hard-pressed to admit that he is wrong before his subordinates. I guess he may have taken that description "superior" too literally. And because the subordinates look up to him for answers, there is this craving to be always right.

Pride in this second manifestation is needlessly perpetuated because of the deluded or inflated perception of one's skill, knowledge and experiences. The root cause being that we often overestimate ourselves - our smartness, our human values and our religiosity - and this invariably causes us to see others as more inferior to us. And hell has no fury as when a superior is being proven wrong by his subordinates. The aftermath of that is seething anger and bitterness ingrained.

My only plea for this second group is to remind them that there is life, flourishing life in fact, after being proven wrong. In fact, if he treasures personal growth and respect from others, then accepting that one have erred and moving forward thereafter with humility is the only way to experience true transformation. The truth is, sharpening one's character saw is all about treating mistakes as stepping stones and not a millstone over one's neck. I guess true knowledge is to acknowledge the extent of one's ignorance and pride as manifested in this second form is never to admit it.

Finally, we have come to the third and last manifestation of pride. It is revealed in a situation where one is right hands-down but the flaw is in one's insistence that the other party acknowledges it. I call this the rub-it-in-your-face disposition. This form of pride is most insidious and common in a marriage. I know this because I am a regular “skilled” practitioner of it. 

 


After 15 years of marriage, I have discovered that being right is best kept as a protected secret. What I mean is that when relationship is at stake, especially in a marriage or in matters concerning parenthood of grown-up children, being right at times is a highly private matter. You don't have to shout it out at the mountaintop. Most times, it is when you are riding on the moral high horse and mindlessly wagging your I-am-right, you-are-wrong derrière that relationships are made even worse.

At the end of the day, it is not about being right about being right that matters. But it is about being right about how you relate to others that counts. Being right is therefore about being responsible with what you know. You just don’t bulldoze your way through even when you know you are right. On the contrary, you give them thinking space, elbow room and saving face. You let it sink in without being a smartass about it. It takes time of course and patience is what you need to cultivate. The beauty of self-realization is that he will ultimately get it without the angst, grudge and rebellion. He may even thank you for it later.

You see, nobody wants to be wrong and telling them so with zero EQ will only deepen the wedge. It therefore takes reading all the right emotional cues to know when to press on and when to let go – with care on the former and emphasis on the latter. Even when you know you are right, insisting that the other party acknowledges it can only worsen and not advance the relationship. It is said that people are only interested to know how much you care and not care about how much you know. The truth in that statement is about caring for others and not boasting about yourself. It is always others-centered. And if you genuinely show them that you care, you will be pleasantly surprised by how they will respond to you. Especially in a marriage, it's a saving grace! Cheerz.

* image from "freedomchurchec.com"

Why I may fail as a charismatic preacher.

Now I qualify that with the word "may". It is not a sure thing. It is more an unsure thing because people do change. Some people are rarefied by challenges. Others are terrified by it. The truth is, you will never really know it until you are thrown into the situation. But let's do a mental exercise here. Let's put imagination to work. I wonder what happens if I am a charismatic preacher? What challenges will I face? In fact,
 what challenges does a charismatic preacher in general face?

Personally I trust a charismatic preacher will conduct himself above board. In any event, he is where he is because he has proven himself over the years. His industry has paid off. That much can be safely presumed. I can trust that he will resist a bribe. He will refuse a questionable proposal. He will watch his tongue most of the time. He will also reject favoritism, discrimination and overt nepotism (leaving covert nepotism aside). I will also expect the charismatic preacher to be able to control his carnal appetites, to refuse an indecent proposal, to turn away from worldly affiliation, and to resist a gamble that ordinarily seems too good to resist.

Now, it seems like I am describing an almost perfect person and I know that's quite delusional. Let me balance it up then. If the Catholic priests convicted of sexual misconduct 
is any indication, I guess what is uncommon to pious men can sometimes be rather common when they are given enough opportunity, indulgence and adulation to feel infallible or indispensable.

So, my praise for them may be on the effusive side but I guess the majority of them will struggle successfully to meet the collective expectation. Still, my point is a nuanced one about these charismatic preachers and why I may fail as one. There is just  something that goes far deeper than the sins of the carnal flesh 
as listed above.

I believe that even the sin of the carnal flesh pays homage to this core sin. And it is the sin of the ego. This is what I truly fear. And this is where I find it most uncanny or strange. Here's why. If we take Lucifer’s fall as a timeless lesson for all, the strange bit is that we often overestimate our own ability to overcome pride and underestimate Lucifer’s. Although seldom openly admitted, we think we are special, chosen and different. As such, we tend to measure ourselves with a 
centimeter ruler and interpret the results in miles. And therein lies the problem.

Lucifer fell because of pride and he was needless to say the apple of the Father's eye. Alas, being highly favored was not enough for the most talented creation before man. Lucifer didn't just want to be the object of God's love. He wanted to be God; full stop. He wanted to be worshipped. And here is a wry quote that comes to mind, "If you worship me, you will find that I am actually a very nice guy." This is the implied danger
 faced by many charismatic preachers. Like it or not, the adoration of charismatic preachers by the masses somehow do cross the line from respect and reverence to idolization and even worship, albeit demonstrated most indirectly; most times even unknowingly. And the effect on the charismatic preacher can be unnervingly delusional and even self-realizing. 

Now let's go back to my chances of being a successful charismatic preacher. Pride is a slippery slope for me and it is the main reason why I may not make the cut. What makes pride even more insidious is its close cousin called humility. Here's another quote that comes to mind, "Most of what they call humility is successfully disguised arrogance." (Nassim Nicholas Taleb “The Bed of Procrustes”).


Many would think that the opposite of pride is humility. Well, this is not always the case. In fact, most times, the private self-ingratiation of pride needs to be buttressed by some public form of self-effacement. You can call it a hired public relation officer or a spin doctor of humility. Of course, I am employing a semantic twist to humility here. My point is that charismatic preachers will be adored. That's a fact. That's a fact even if the preacher himself (with the best of intention) constantly reminds his people to redirect their adoration to the right person. They will also be showered with praises. They will
 be treated like the "Vicar of Christ" so to speak. 

Let me go out on a limb here to prove my point with this scripture. If no man comes to the Father except through the son, then for a charismatic preacher, there is a hidden risk that his enraptured congregation may take that scripture to its next logical conclusion, that is, "no man comes to the son except through my pastor."

This is where the resolve to resist the onslaught of pride gradually wears down and become compromised by a deluded sense of self-believability. This is also where projected humility becomes disingenuous over time as the preacher’s popularity rise by default of congregational strength.

As a result, these popular preachers will have to struggle through with this larger-than-life image forced upon them and it is not going to be easy. I therefore empathize with them. In 
fact I empathize with myself more. I believe there is no immunity for pride unless one is immune from being a human being.

In the end, I think that all such personalities, who are constantly being placed quite involuntarily under the spotlight, should be reminded that when the blinding light shines directly at them, they cannot possibly see where they are going. It clouds their way and they sometimes have to muddle through. This leaves the pitfalls, potholes and road bumps in the open and
 increases the risk of missteps and mistakes.

I guess pride has an insidious way of anesthetizing us into a lull of invulnerability. It conflates our sense of self importance and gives us this "I-just-know-I-am-right" mindset. This mindset is stubbornly resistant to changes even when such changes are long overdue. Before long, the victim is entombed in his own self-fortifying sanctuary, which is watered and fed weekly by the wholehearted endorsement of the majority of his congregation.

So,
 for all those reasons, the yoke of the charismatic preacher is indeed heavy. And a yoke I would be unduly burdened with. If we cast it on the back of Christ, we will overcome eventually. But if we want it all for ourselves - the glory, the fame, the adulation, the perpetuity in succession, the iron-fisted control, the self-conjured charisma, the self-deluded invulnerability, the holier-than-thou-or-righter-than-you mentality (not openly embracing them but progressively and largely unknowingly), then we are ineluctably following in the angel of light's footstep (2 Corinthians 11:14). That is, the one who once thought that he was better than his Creator and considered a replacement as long overdue. Cheerz.

* Image from a page by Brandon Wallace.

18 signs of an Overbearing CEO-like pastor

This was my church pastor’s FB post yesterday:

“This may cost me some friendships & speaking engagements. But no matter!

The church is not a commercial business for the Lead Pastor to be CEO; it's not a fashion boutique where being hip is the mission. It's not a social club for hobbyists. It's not a political party for lobbyists. It's not a disco; nor is it a playground.

The church is the people of God! Called out of darkness into the marvelous light of Christ. The church is the Bride of Christ. The church is made up of sinners who have been redeemed by the Savior!” (Pastor Pacer Tan)

I personally salute him for his honest leadership and the same  inspired me with the following write-up:-

“When does a once humble pastoral servant of God in a Church become an overbearing CEO-like leader?”

Here are 18 non-exhaustive signs to lookout for.

1) When nothing happens without his approval.

2) When the pastoral staff under his leadership are more eager to get on his good side than to be scripturally sound.

3) When the same pastoral staff
 rarely openly raise any objection to his ideas or opinions even when they have reservations about its long term feasibility and acceptance by the thinking section of the Church.

4) When he wants exclusive and complete control over all ministries and departmental heads and when his mind is made up, he expects full compliance and unquestioned execution.

5) When he expects full deference 
to him in respect of all short and long term projects related to the church, be it discipleship, evangelism, mission both local and abroad, marketing, church maintenance and planting, partnership with other churches, and even monthly administrative expenses.

6) When he shows explicit, if not implicit, bias in favor of programs
 that fit his own agenda, whether his agenda is still practical, effective or sound, and seeks to dismiss programs that do not fit in; and for this reason, he is not prepared to let the benefits of those subjectively-despised program be canvassed for further discussion or to see the light of day.

7) When he carries with him a certain immutable set of ideas from the time he laid the first brick towards the building of the church and these ideas have ossified into cemented masonry 
stones and he is not prepared to review them even when the time for internal church renewal urgently calls for them to be reviewed.

8) When he is opposed to any modern scientific discovery that threatens, whether openly or by implication, his pre-set thinking about biblical narratives/explanations in the same way that the Catholic Church was once opposed to the heliocentric theory during the pre-Reformation times.


9) When he views world events and developments through the narrow lens of morbid biblical eschatology and his interpretations of the apocalyptic events in the book of Revelation are purely and uncompromisingly literal rather than purposively metaphorical or adaptively allegorical.

10) When he is of the covertly held view that he is indispensable to the Church and the Church therefore cannot grow in quantity and quality without
 his leadership or guidance.

11) When he is suspicious of the rising meteoric stars of individual pastor and the growing fame of lay leaders in the Church and he views their popularity with arresting prejudice and sore vigilance.

12) When he is eagerly looking for signs and wonders in the Church to draw the crowd in and he will not hesitate to associate their apparent occurrences to his ministry or personal influence.

13) When he controls the church funds and the pastoral and administrative remuneration, including his own salary, via a contrived system of trustee-like oversight that is ultimately under his sway, and he channels the funds to finance his own pet projects and missions.

14) When his messages are largely recycled, rehashed and recursive and they revolve around the same theme and he 
hoards the pulpit ministry as a means to direct corporate attention and compliance to himself to the exclusion of other equally-worthy preachers/teachers, whether locally or abroad.

15) When he exhibits a certain obstinacy of posture towards new ideas that seek to redefine certain ministries in order to make them more relevant to the times without compromising spiritual integrity.

16) When he seethes with indignation against the rising 
popularity and growth of other Churches and goes militaristic when his own members leave his Church to join the other Churches (instead of wishing them well under an understanding ecumenical mindset).

17) When he engages in the various forms of spiritual disciplines and rituals as ordinarily expected of him only by virtue of his public office of leadership and not because he truly desires to humble himself before God, in complete submission, and he refuses/neglects to consecrate quality time to examine himself, his
 heart and his motive, for the purpose of seeking out and dealing with his personal pride, narcissistic leanings, and self-elevating ambitions.

18) When he works behind the scene to ensure longevity of his leadership in name and legacy by engineering a succession plan that favors people of his own election, preference and trust without much regards for independent merit, objective devotion and earnest commitment. Cheerz

* Image from "churchpastors.com".