Why did I marry? Because there is nothing lonelier than loneliness? Now that's a thought worth frothing over. Imagine being alone with and by yourself. Talking to yourself. Having yourself as company. Laughing at your own jokes. Laughing alone. Sharing the punchlines with no one else but yourself (how do you even keep the punchline from yourself?) Loneliness makes for bad company; if ever it were company in the first place.
But then, if the fear of loneliness was why I married, wouldn't I have sacrificed freedom at the altar of institutionalized companionship? Wouldn't I be a fool to forgo the paradise that is freedom for a penitentiary that is marriage? Why would I want to tie myself to someone for life even if I had once, on a much contrived and grander occasion, before an audience of kin and friends, declared my lifetime devotion in an oath to her?
Don't I know that I will get bored in due course when due course takes its course? How can mere words, however celebrated and solemn, bind two lifetimes together? Where is the justice in that? Has pragmatism taken a long leave of absence? Has basic common sense escaped from the prison of marital insanity for good? How can mere words lock two unsuspecting young lives in an iron-clad commitment that demands more than what mere words can ever hope to achieve?
But then, if the fear of loneliness was why I married, wouldn't I have sacrificed freedom at the altar of institutionalized companionship? Wouldn't I be a fool to forgo the paradise that is freedom for a penitentiary that is marriage? Why would I want to tie myself to someone for life even if I had once, on a much contrived and grander occasion, before an audience of kin and friends, declared my lifetime devotion in an oath to her?
Don't I know that I will get bored in due course when due course takes its course? How can mere words, however celebrated and solemn, bind two lifetimes together? Where is the justice in that? Has pragmatism taken a long leave of absence? Has basic common sense escaped from the prison of marital insanity for good? How can mere words lock two unsuspecting young lives in an iron-clad commitment that demands more than what mere words can ever hope to achieve?
So, why did I marry? Why did I go through all that trouble just to reap a lifetime of uncertainty, tolerance, compromises, embarrassments, disappointments, heartaches, dejection, struggles, denial, disillusionment, and even betrayal?
Alas, seen in this light, or the lack of it, marriage is indeed a dastardly enterprise that those entrapped by it have much to lament about. I am an unwitting victim of this marital house-trap. Or am I? Here is where I modulate my tone a little. If ever I could fast-forward to the epilogue of this letter, this is what I would conclude: "Marriage has the best of intentions but the worst of expectations." Let me elaborate.
For me, the wedding night is a big blind date for what is to come thereafter. It is blind not to its company but to its prospect. While we may marry the familiar, the future of marriage is much less so. Nobody knows how this ordained union will turn out. And herein lies the cause of our misplaced optimism. The flaw therefore lies not with marriage but our expectations of it. The reality of marriage suffers from false advertisement at its very start. And what a start! What a celebration where no expenses were spared!
Of course there is nothing wrong with a salubrious dose of idealism at the altar. But when that idealism meets with day-to-day reality, we run the risk of being blindsided by the darnest things of daily living that adds up to make or break the union. In other words, when we keep our heads in the sky, we are blinded to the realities on the ground. And these realities will change over time.
The partner whom you thought you knew will become less familiar as the days go by. The changes will become even more pronounced when career stress, children and financial needs make their unbidden appearances. All these changes will conspire to burst our bubbles of idealism and we will soon become disillusioned and discouraged.
I think Stanley Hauerwas puts it best, "We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being (the enormous thing it is) means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is...learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."
For me, the wedding night is a big blind date for what is to come thereafter. It is blind not to its company but to its prospect. While we may marry the familiar, the future of marriage is much less so. Nobody knows how this ordained union will turn out. And herein lies the cause of our misplaced optimism. The flaw therefore lies not with marriage but our expectations of it. The reality of marriage suffers from false advertisement at its very start. And what a start! What a celebration where no expenses were spared!
Of course there is nothing wrong with a salubrious dose of idealism at the altar. But when that idealism meets with day-to-day reality, we run the risk of being blindsided by the darnest things of daily living that adds up to make or break the union. In other words, when we keep our heads in the sky, we are blinded to the realities on the ground. And these realities will change over time.
The partner whom you thought you knew will become less familiar as the days go by. The changes will become even more pronounced when career stress, children and financial needs make their unbidden appearances. All these changes will conspire to burst our bubbles of idealism and we will soon become disillusioned and discouraged.
I think Stanley Hauerwas puts it best, "We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being (the enormous thing it is) means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is...learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."This stranger danger is no exaggeration. After marriage, your spouse will surprise you. I clumsily call it the failure of "organ transplant." Remember the genesis tale of God taking Adam's rib to form Eve? And how the two are deemed joined as one upon marriage? (an a la "organ transplant"). Well, the metaphor I see is not one of immediate donor compatibility but at most times, a mismatch. And this mismatch widens when the endearing couple go through the growing pains together over the years.
So, why did I marry then? Why do I bother if freedom lost does not make up for company gained? Why do I bother if idealism goes up in smoke when it crashes onto the grounds of reality? And why is it that this is the third time I am asking myself the same question just to be sidetracked each time by the many reasons why one shouldn't get married in the first place?
I guess the high beam is on me now. I am promptly cornered. I just want to save the best for last. If you really want to know why I married 13 years ago, and will still do it again today, and the days ahead, let me start on the high crest of idealism.
Considering the usual proposal a prospective groom makes to his future bride, mine was slightly different. About 16 years ago, I did not go on my knees to propose to Anna, not then and not yet (I eventually did in the middle of the bridge connecting Sentosa and Harbour front). However, I did propose but it was to her parents first.
"1)We have a deep, pervasive sense of compassion for each other.
2) We are not only a couple, but also good friends.
3)We are emotionally ready to forsake the benefits of singlehood
4)We do not place too much emphasis on physical compatibility (me: yah, how convenient!).
5)We do have similar expectations (me: ...as similar as chalk and cheese).
6)We are a spiritual match (me: more like spiritual match-sticks!).
7)We are emotionally different but compatible (me: yah, just like I am pretty ugly I guess)."
Talk about irrational emotional exuberance! Now, looking back, and reading those reasons with the benefit of hindsight, I guess the apple of reality fell far from the idealism tree and it is still rolling after being smacked by one of those powerful tiger wood's shots.
Levity aside, I am wiser now and if I could turn back time, I may write it this way (take note, this is 16 years later and maybe I should change the title to "Why I still want to be married to your daughter"):-
"Dad, mum, I love Anna and she loves me too. We still really do. She's no angel and god knows, I am no saint either. On that level, we can surely relate. Strangely, that is also our common plate. Our lives together were anything but smooth. If anything, we are like two sandpapers, rubbing each other daily, releasing more heat than light. We still quarrel; we still fight. And sometimes things don’t go so right.
Levity aside, I am wiser now and if I could turn back time, I may write it this way (take note, this is 16 years later and maybe I should change the title to "Why I still want to be married to your daughter"):-
"Dad, mum, I love Anna and she loves me too. We still really do. She's no angel and god knows, I am no saint either. On that level, we can surely relate. Strangely, that is also our common plate. Our lives together were anything but smooth. If anything, we are like two sandpapers, rubbing each other daily, releasing more heat than light. We still quarrel; we still fight. And sometimes things don’t go so right.
As for the seven reasons in my booklet on why I should marry your daughter, they say it's the bait that hides the hook. So, thanks for taking the bait from this cradle-snatching crook (Anna was only 17 when I dated her). However, not to be outdone by me, you guys have given me a peerless gift or a wonderful catch. Your daughter came with this warning label: "Be careful, she’ll change you." And indeed she has. She had me; she's my trap. I am transformed by her beyond the 7 reasons above and that's a fact.I hope I am not being corny but Anna has satisfied me in ways no one can. This satisfaction goes beyond the physical. It reaches far deeper. It is a gift that I am still unwrapping. It is a gift I will treasure, forever. In exchange, I will give up my freedom for her because without her, this so called freedom I'll gladly defer (but of course, I still want to keep some privacy for sure).
So, I have made my choice many years ago. I am a married man and I now know what that means. It means far more than not being lonesome. It means that I can love someone who will love me back and that's awesome. It means that when I have little reason to go further, Anna is reason enough to go on even surer. It means that through the years, Anna and I have shared and developed this indissoluble intimacy that only goes to make her even more special and indispensable to me.
Finally, it means that this marriage is worth fighting for, worth standing up for, and it is not specifically just for the kids. If for any reason at all, it is this: To imagine a life without Anna is to imagine a life that is hardly worth a second gander.
Dad and Mum, from sole-mate at the altar, Anna, your daughter, has become my soulmate immortal. No doubt I married her for love (an ideal). But I will stay on with her to love (an action). And I will pass on one day still in love (a legacy).
Thanks again for your only daughter. And from your only son in law, happy 39th anniversary, blessing and all!"
So, the above is why I married. I hope I’ve answered it the best way I know how. To me, marriage is like an idealism child consistently being disciplined by the whip of reality. And god knows I have the butt stripes to prove it. But I am better for it. I am changed for the good. This is also why, if given a second chance, I would do it all over again. Cheerz.
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