An
imperfect father. He is someone who knows less than he
thinks he knows. He is like a novice captain on his maiden voyage navigating
the uncharted seas and leading his crew he calls family. His crew look to him
for mental and emotional direction and yet he is often lost and
unsure himself. As he tries his best to avoid the high rocks and raging tides of life
that threaten to sink his ship, he often fails in many ways to live up to the high standards he had set up for
himself.
His projected image of
invulnerability is often broken by his helplessness when his children cry foul
and rebel against his tottering authority. His only reprieve as a father is to
dock on little islands and rest on its unhurried shores to reflect, recharge
and renew himself. Sometimes these quiet shores provide a refuge for him to
recalibrate his attitude towards fatherhood where he can further hone his
experiences to become more understanding, sensitive and encouraging to
his
children. But sometimes he misses the parenting cues and loses his head
over self-conjured fears and jealously guarded pride.
This is the toll a father pays for
pretending that he is in control and for maintaining his commanding heights
when facing the storms of life.
If another metaphor helps, an
imperfect father is like a juggler who thinks he can juggle more than he can
manage. But when life throws him one ball after another, and as his children
grow up and face their own disappointments, he struggles to keep all the
balls in the air. Yet at such time, he will resist all appearance to look weak
and out of control. Alas, his steeliness is but a mirage. This resistance only
makes the juggling even tougher. This is where the unrealistic urge to keep it
all together flies off his hands and the balls will all come falling down.
When that time comes, when he is in
emotional disarray, an imperfect father has a choice. He can pick the balls up
one at a time and start all over - this
time taking it slow. Or he can attempt the impossible feat of
juggling
everything all at once again - hoping
this time it will be different. But the raw reality of fatherhood will not
change its swing just because an imperfect father is deluded enough to think
that he is always on top of things.
Whether he is a captain of his ship
or a juggler of life, an imperfect father must give up this obsession to be in
control. In life’s insidious bends, he can neither expect a smooth sail nor the
dexterity of a divine juggler. He is a father in progress (sometimes in
regress). But more importantly, he differs little from a learning child in
matters concerning the parenting of a growing
child. He is completely new in
this demanding enterprise of molding a life or two. His leadership will
therefore always be probationary, even frequently self-correcting. If it takes a
village to raise a kid, then for fatherhood, it will - in addition to a village - takes a heart
of humility, a soul of empathy, and a spirit of hope to see his offspring
through this tortuous journey.
But an imperfect father is not
without assistance in this sacred yet arduous task. He needs to be constantly
reminded that he has in his heart the
greatest help of all and that is his
undying love for his children. This love will be his lodestar to guide him
forward when he is lost, discouraged and despondent. This love is not exacting
or obsessive at the expense of the growth, happiness and welfare of his children.
This love will not force his lost childhood and unrealized dreams on the
childhood of his own children. This love is sensitive to their needs and it overlooks their shortcomings.
It is also aware of his own
shortcomings.
And it understands that two wounded lives, father’s and child’s,
are joined together to confront and overcome
the trials of life and not to pit one against the other in an ensuing battle
for vanity, superiority and supremacy. In fact, the imperfect father can almost
catch a glimpse of perfection when he surrenders to this unconditional love.
So an imperfect father has a lot to
learn. In this journey, he will never arrive because as much as he sees the child in his growing
children, they also see the child in him. Both are learning together. And
as
iron sharpens iron, the roots of fatherhood is further deepened in this intimate and
ongoing process where both their character are equally sharpened. Cheerz.
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