Son
I love you. I love you very much. I love your
mom too. And this reminds me, you will marry one day. You must remember to love
your wife too. It is a love that will reward you. It will also be a love that
will test you.
Marriage is a strange institution.
You sometimes feel institutionalized and liberated by it. Like any institution,
you are expected to know your own way around. The front door is the most
obvious way in. There is always a welcoming door mat waiting for
you. It's your
first step into this marital institution.
That front door represents looking
for that special one. She will come to you eventually. It's not the time it
takes that should concern you. Neither her looks nor her status in life. It is
her character. That is something not readily visible. No one wears a placard
stating "I am a crook" on
their chest in public. You will just have to court her. You will have to
discover. But be prepared for changes as you embark on this marital journey.
What is generally characteristic
of someone may become uncharacteristic of him
or her after tying the knot.
So, living together is nothing more
than discovering together. Son, falling in love is a matter of the heart. You
will one day be confronted with the life-transforming choice. And when you make
that choice, you must remind yourself that you are making it for life. When you
say I do, you are saying I do to her virtues and her flaws. It is not an ala carte exchange of vows where you can
select what you can endure with, and what
you can't.
Marriage is not chewing something and
then spitting it out just because it tastes weird or unpleasant. No, marriage
is chewing, swallowing, digesting and yielding to whatever that you have taken
into your system will do to you. Marriage is not infatuation or an experiment.
It is a lifetime commitment. This has to be your mindset before you walk that
aisle and enter into matrimony.
As you enter the front door of this
institution, you come to an inviting cavernous hall leading to
a long corridor
of many rooms. If I may push the metaphor a little further, that living hall is
where you guys learn more about each other. And it will take many decades. It
is the personal space for you guys to chat, share, joke, praise, encourage,
admire, sort things out, discuss, hug, dance and act silly together. It is a
fun place to be in because it is a place you guys are doing things together,
deepening the relationship, and learning to renew your love daily.
Son, never
neglect this living hall.
It is the one place you guys must always be in because this is the place you
guys celebrate your togetherness in the marriage. Never underestimate the power
of doing things together. It is during such time that your love for each other
will grow strong enough to weather all storms that comes. And they will come.
Now after this living hall, you
proceed down the long corridor leading to different rooms with one other
important room at the far end. I will talk about that room
later. These
different rooms represents the many challenges you guys will face in a marriage
after the honeymoon period is over.
Son, for you, there is a temptation
room, a room of career advancement at all costs, a room of monotony/routine, a
room of personal pride/ego, a room of disillusionment, a room of quiet
desperation, a room of doubts, a room of self-prosecution, a room of
inadequacy, and a room of disappointments. This list is non-exhaustive. I
expect your wife will have largely overlapping rooms.
The point is that you cannot resist
the lure of these rooms because marriage will compel you to face them all and
not escape from them. It is just a matter of time before you succumb to the
bait of life and enter each room in the order peculiar to your life. That's the
test, the challenge. That's how you guys either grow deeper in love together or
go your separate ways.
Son, your dad has entered his share
of these dastardly rooms. At times, the lure is irresistible. The secret is to
never
stay in any of the rooms for as long as it is necessary. Always find your
own way out and don't dwell in them for too long. The temptation, the ego, the monotony, the disillusionment,
and the disappointments will sometimes stretch you beyond your limits of
resilience. Don't give them the time, the chance and the opportunity. Don't
underestimate their hold on you.
During such time, never forget to
exit the rooms swiftly and take the long walk of self examination and
reflection along
the corridor. Focus on the good times, on your vows, on your
commitment, on her strengths, and on the reason why you fell in love with her
in the first place.
Then, find that happy fun living
hall. Invite her over. Be persistent. Don't give up. Do what is usually done by
lovers in that living hall. Share an intimate kiss, apologize if you are wrong,
seek to understand her, fight for her love, shower her with assurances and live
them up, share your fears and hopes, and never leave that huge hall until you
have found a
deep connection with her.
Then, remember that other room at the far end of the corridor I told you
earlier? That's the room you should also visit as regularly as possible. It
is the matrimonial bedroom. This is the most intimate room of a couple. And the
most private one in this institution of marriage. It is this unassuming room
that lives are conceived, nurtured and treasured. It is also this unpretentious
room that true love is embraced.
A marriage cannot possibly thrive
without
the couple converging in this room to relive the moments of unalloyed
intimacy together. This room is magical because its healing powers works deeply
the moment you guys decide to enter the room. And it works completely when the
two becomes one spiritually, emotionally and physically (in that order of
importance).
So, my son, love your wife. Love her
at all times, good or bad. Never neglect the fun hall, the meditative
corridors, and of course that special room at the
far end. And when you do,
that is, love her deeply, longingly and unconditionally, you will discover that
you too will change. And you will change in a way that your own children will
be most proud of. It is a transformation by love, to love and for love. And
there is no greater or more enduring reward than a life completely transformed
by love. Cheerz.
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