Marriages, Divorces and Contempt.

Over the years, I have come across quite a number of spouses seeking to end their marriages. 

They come from all ages. You have the newly wed. One recently called me and told me that he just married in June this year. He met her in China. But after staying together for a few months in his Singapore home, he realised that her personality clashed with his big time. 

So, he rushed for the lowest hanging marital fruit...yes, divorce. I told him in the run-of-the-mill cases like his, he will have to wait three years. He nevertheless kept badgering me for a way out of his marital rut. Mind you, he is in his fifties. 

After I told him to give his newly minted marriage a fighting chance, his parting shot to me was this: “Wah, three more years with her, die lah!”

You also have those who married for what seems like ages. Any longer, and they may as well print and circulate commemorative coins with their bridal portraits on it. 

Anyway, many of them confessed to me that they stayed in the dead-calm union because of the duty to raising up their children. It seemed like the shackles of commitment for them are their kids and its liberty is when they grow up and leave the matrimonial home. 

That is also where what is left of a marital shell is the unyielding resolve to take a sledgehammer to break it up once and for all. And it is easy to crack it since there is nothing holding it together inside. 

One even told me this, straight up, that she had given up praying for her husband as her pastor had always conveniently advised her to do.

She said she has been praying for decades for him and he only got worse as he ages. The descend to apathy is quite scary. From can’t wait to unveil her to see his beautiful bride’s face to can’t stand the sight of her as she grew old with him, she told me that now, she only prays for the courage to end the marriage. 

Then, we have the unerringly impenitent. And allow me to judge here. These spouses simply have no anchor, whatsoever. The wedding night is full of promises, but after the honeymoon, the marital road is full of broken promises. One broken promise after another, he leaves her stranded, lost and despondent. Mind you, it works the other way too where the culprit is the wife.

These marriages usually last for a few years because the spouse waits in vain for a change. And when they come to me, it can only mean one of two things. First, he or she is in the loving arms of someone else. Or second, she fears for her own life/safety as he has progressed from promising to protect to promising to harm. 

The thing is, whenever I hear all these stories, that is, all in a day’s work, my mind always drift to my own marriage. I always ask myself, what makes you so sure that you are any different, or Anna is any different. Do you stay together for the kids? 

Well, FYI, next January, we will be celebrating our twentieth. I heard 25th year is silver and 50th year is golden, and 20th year is...waitforit...China. Mm...maybe 1st year is...Las Vegas? 

Anyway, the thing I always look out for in the jaded narration of martial woes is contempt. The dictionary defines it as “the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration.” The Singlish definition of it is...waitforit...“just can’t stand your face.” And contempt is prevalent in every marriage, no union is spared. 

If we do not want to deny our humanity, we shouldn’t deny contempt. It is not a case of categorical absence but a-matter-of-degree presence. I trust we are guilty of it to varying degree whenever we fight or quarrel with each other. While kids may say the darnest things, we adults say it and at times, inadvertently mean it. 

I have one spouse who admitted to me that what is most hurting was when her husband told her in the face that if he had married someone else, he would have better understanding, better maturity and better lovemaking. 

Well, my in-the-head retort is that if he had married someone else, she might find him incomprehensible, intolerable, and insufferable. But that’s just me. 

Returning to contempt, at times, I catch myself expressing it to Anna. Not that I can’t stand her face, because till today, from a purely physical POV, I still find her beautiful. I am not being romantic, just realistic. But what I just can’t stand about her is her attitude, and I believe at times, she can’t stand mine too. The mutual contempt can be felt from both sides. 

Yet, what kept the marital flame alive and affectionate is how the beast of contempt is slain and the yeast of love is raised. For without ferment where is the good beer or the fresh bread. 

So most times, it is not what we argue about that is crucial, it is how we end it that determines whether contempt reigns or is slain. If we end it to end whatever commitment and love we have for each other, then contempt will take centrestage in our marriage. But if we end it by ending the conflict and building up understanding, then contempt will make its timely exit from the marital stage. 

Here is where I will end this post, due to its unruly length. I have more to say, but let me just close by reminding us that the wedding ceremony is really just the beginning of the journey. Whether it is one that will take you to the China, Silver or Golden years really depends on how the two of you jointly, intentionally and valiantly fight this beast of contempt together. 

Most times, it is not about saving the marriage, but saving ourselves from destroying it by embracing contempt.