I stumbled upon this article in the
Straits Times this morning. It’s about the trauma
of parenting. It started with this opening line, “Everyone knows that being the parent of an infant is hard. There is the
sleeplessness, the screaming fits to tend to, the loss of autonomy, the social
isolation and the sheer monotony of it.”
The author (Eli J. Finkel, a
Professor of Social Psychology) writes to redirect our attention in regard to
the cause of this parenting trauma. The normally accepted cause is that it is a
“post-partum hormonal crash.” In
other words, it is basically biological, something that arose from within us.
The author begs to differ with these words, “…that many women and men experience significant psychological distress
in response to becoming a parent, and that much of this distressing is not
caused by a hormonal epiphenomenon of the birth process. It is driven instead
in large measure by the objectively bleak circumstances new parents
face. That you love your child is not always sufficient to counteract this
reality.”
I find that the author has a point
about circumstances conspiring to make parents miserable, even if it is not the
sole cause of their misery. The author continued, “Given the ideology of parenting, it is not surprising that we typically
blame biology for the experience of post-partum depression. But the
circumstances parents face are often demonstrably miserable. The fact that
post-partum depression rates are much higher among the poor than among the
wealthy, who can purchase peace of mind through hired childcare, supports the
idea that the phenomenon is, in most cases, more circumstantial than
biological.”
The point of the article is about
being understanding and supportive to a couple making this life-changing
transition to parenthood because the same can be both nerve-wrecking and
hope-sapping. The article concludes this way, “Pursue kindness over ideology. For a person whose suffering has been
met with judgment, a sympathetic ear can make all the difference.”
After reading the article, I can imagine
how parenting, especially in the beginning years, can take much more away from
you than it gives back. It is definitely not job for the indecisive, knee-jerky
and weak-hearted. This job of nurturing and grooming a life is a lifetime
responsibility because your baby will never grow up in your eyes.
If there be a fitting lamentation to
describe this toilsome duty of parenting, it would be in this blatantly honest classified ads for the job of a parent that
I have taken the liberty to craft out. Read it with a pinch of salt and a trickle
of jest. Here goes:-
We are looking for parents to run
what we call a household or what society call a nuclear family. Of course the
word "nuclear" here is not
to be mistaken with that explosive fusion-and-fission chain-reaction normally
associated with two subatomic particles travelling at breakneck speed to
collide with each other or when
one subatomic particle is forced to split
itself apart under unimaginable heat. But yes, I guess the metaphor is scary
and if the glove fits (for parenting that is), then what the heck right?
Now, let’s go back to the
requirements for this parenting job. The first prerequisite is that you have to
be married of course. It would be preferred if you are happily married. But
then, some may say that the term is oxymoronic. You can't possibly be married
and be happy. You can only be married and crazy; so says the disenchanted.
Alas, to each his (or her) own right?
So, being married is a must for this
job but whether the couple is happy about it is an added bonus, so to speak.
Next comes the desire to have
children, preferably not just one. For his job, you will need to work those
hips. We require a minimum of two children. Three would be good. And four would
assure you of a fast-track promotion to managerial positions.
Now, here
comes the third
requirement. Resilience. That’s
another must. When the first child comes and the same is followed by the second
and the third, you will have to be prepared for what we call a personality
change, to put it mildly. This change is unavoidable because you will go
through what some may call an apocalyptic trial of biblical proportions or a complete
nuclear meltdown at some point. The more creative, but no less cruel, may call
it a madhouse of curses and swearing.
But call it what you want, the trick
is to not let them naysayers scare you off your knickers. Don’t let them get
under your skin because this special lifetime torture is exclusively reserved
for your…(wait for it)…offspring.
Yes, they will get under your skin on
an ongoing basis for almost every waking moment of everyday. They will get
under your scalp to mess with your mind and make you worry endlessly.
They will get under your chest to make your heart beat erratically and blood
boil. And most of all, for the most blissfully unaware, they will get under
your pants when your urge to get it on with your spouse is the most expressive,
so to speak.
For all the above reason, the third
prerequisite of resilience for this job is equally indispensable as the first
and second, that is, marriage and having children. It is preferred that the
resilience you possessed is as rock-solid and unshakable as a heroic war
veteran dodging bullets from all directions while taking cover in a foxhole
with a dead buddy. Too drama? Well in
the vocation of parenting, it is wiser to be over-prepared than to be under-prepared.
And it is
important to bear in mind that the days will be long and the rest
will be short when you are hired by us as a parent.
Often, the light at the end of the
parental tunnel is not the blue sky and endless horizon but an oncoming train
travelling at a blinding speed and carrying a cargo-full of soiled diapers,
sleepless nights of fatigue, attention-devouring kids and a pathetically
shrinking social life. This is why a resilient spirit is a priceless premium in
our line of work.
From our organizational experience,
the
high turnover rate is mainly due to a serious deficiency in this area of
parenting (resiliency that is). In our view, nothing challenges a loving couple more than the moment
they decide to have children. It's usually downhill from there. The joy of anticipation
is often overshadowed, most completely, by the toy of cruel parenting fate.
That’s why they are called offspring for a reason. When
they come, the cool and temperate spring is "off" for good to make
way for the summer of
heated madness. This is then followed by
the autumn of fallen hopes. Unavoidably, this ends up with the winter of hell. So,
if you look into the mirror and do not see even a smidgen of resilience in the
returning image, it is best you look elsewhere in the classified ads for far easier jobs like corporate raider, big time
director, M&A lawyer, top surgeon or unerring meteorologist.
We have come to the end of our
advertising search for the job of a parent. But before we end, here are some of
the perks we are prepared to offer you if you are shortlisted and employed by
us as a parent for the long haul.
You get to develop your character
along the way, experience accelerated maturity without even knowing it, deepen the
relationship with your other equally-tortured half in ways that would
pleasantly surprise you, be more than compensated for the so-called lost years
with a deep pervading sense of personal satisfaction and achievement, and last
but not least, watch your babies grow up, learn as they do so, overcome life’s
trials with your love, guidance and patience, and best of all, get a job, marry
and start a family of their very own.
And if there is any consolation for being
a parent, it would be the sweet revenge
you savor when you as grandparents sit back, relax and watch your own children
deal with their own children with a tinge of nostalgic sweetness and a stroke
of
what the Germans cheekily call "schadenfreude"
- that is, the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. Cheerz.
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