Tommy Koh's 7 rules of how to treat your helper.

I wonder, what would it be like to be employed as a FDW (Foreign Domestic Worker) by the household of Ambassador-at-large Tommy Koh?

Well, wonder no more, he has written 7 rules of how to treat your helper. And I believe he had applied them all when he had helpers before. Here are the rules, and they are quite self-explanatory: -

1) Treat her as a fellow person.

2) Treat her as a family member.

3) A room of her own.

4) Feed her well.

5) Never be violent.

6) No verbal abuse.

7) Give enough rest.

Let’s digress a little here. 

I recall when my first child was born. We as newly wed were excited. We can’t wait to bring him home. The house had been prepped up for him, even before he was conceived. 

We had great baby plans for him. We only wanted the best for him. He had his own room. His own toys. His own playing area, which was in fact everywhere his tiny little feet can crawl to, over or under. 

He was our pride and joy. We as parents were willing to make sacrifices for him, to delay gratification to make sure his needs are looked after first. 

My recollection was triggered because of Tommy’s first and second rule: Treat her as a fellow person and as a family member. 

Note that he did not say “treat her as your own” or “treat her the way you would treat your own children.” Semantic? Is there a difference? 

Of course there are. My son as a baby was more vulnerable and required greater attention and care. I would be silly or pretentious to say or admit otherwise. 

My point however is that the helper is someone’s daughter. She was (and still is) someone’s pride and joy. She came into this world not born into affluence but poverty. 

Mind you, some of them are mothers with daughters of their own. And it is not inconceivable that their daughters may very well follow in their hardscrabble footsteps. 

And regarding genetic fate, you can in fact say what Warren Buffet once said that, if he had been born into the streets of Calcutta, he might not end up chairing Berkshire Hathaway today. 

So, to some, the ovarian lottery is an immeasurable blessings. They are born to wealth and will be treated like royalty. To many others, it is an unvoidable curse. They are thus born to a hard life, and their hands and feet will bear witness to it, all their life.

Going back to the article, my thoughts are that being someone’s pride and joy, we as employers of domestic helpers ought to be able to empathise with them. 

Here is what Tommy said: “Poverty has caused your domestic helper to leave her family to come and work for you. She has made a huge self-sacrifice in order to send money home to her family. Show some understanding and appreciation.” That came under the first rule - Treat her as a fellow person. 

As for treating her like a family member, Tommy wrote that he would take their helper whenever they go, whether on an excursion, to shows in Broadway, and “when they had no visitors,” Tommy added that “we would eat our dinners in the kitchen and ask our domestic helper to join us.”

And there is a part in his article that I thought was worth a shout of hurray. He wrote: “No hotel, restaurant or club should bar the entry of our domestic helper. In this respect, the Tanglin Club, the American Club and the Cricket Club should emulate the good example of the Singapore Island Country Club.” 

Now, that’s free advertising for you! Or, does it render a reverse advertising effect since clubs are supposed to be exclusive (for the high price you pay)?

I say this because I know what some may be thinking. You pay for exclusivity, for privacy, for a getaway away from others, or certain group of people, it is therefore not unreasonable to expect a conditioned environment for the high price you pay, right? It is just what you can afford and isn’t it your right to pay for it and enjoy what it offers, exclusively?

Well, I am no idealist in this clearly unequal world. To each his or her own. That is why one recent condo advertisement came with this elitist carrot on the exclusivity stick: -

“Set in a private estate, without any HDB in sight, this upcoming condominium offers a prestigious and quiet environment...” 

My impression is that the “squalor” that is HDB may just stain the “prestigious and quiet environment”? Can you blame me for thinking that?

Alas, I have learnt that at most times, one has to live and let live. And it takes all kinds, that is, the rich and the poor, the spoilt and the sacrificial, the arrogant and the humble, the lost and the found, to make this world. It is therefore a mammoth work in progress.

But having said that, I too would like to say that people like Tommy brings out what true riches means in a grossly unequal world, and it is captured in this quote: “The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.” 

Ultimately, we can be shanghai’ed away to some exclusive clubs or mountain mansions or some private estates that are beyond the sight of governmental flats, but how we treat those who can do nothing for us is what maketh a man (or woman) rich, or otherwise, in perpetual poverty (of character). 

That is why this personal account by Tommy offers a taste of how a man can live in a rich mansion but still leave a trail of poverty behind: - 

“I remember visiting the home of a wealthy friend. He showed me around his spacious new house. At the end of the tour, I asked him and his wife where the domestic helper’s room was. 

She replied that the helper slept either on the couch in the living room or on the floor in the kitchen. I was tempted to ask why they did not let her stay in one of the empty rooms I saw but my wife stopped me.”

Let me end by saying that once you treat your helper like a fellow person or a family member, all else will follow. 

She will have a room or a suitable place she can sleep in. She will be properly fed, and on this, Tommy wrote that he and his wife “observed the rule that (their) domestic helper would eat the same food as (themselves).” He said, “if we had lobsters for dinner, we would buy one for our helper.”

She will also receive proper rest, even in the afternoon. And she will be treated well, respected and even honoured as a fellow human being (remember, she is someone’s precious daughter).

For the roof over one’s head can be a mansion of great size and proportions, but what makes a person rich is never about the size of the house, but his or her own heart.