PSLE results are coming out this Wednesday. And that kind of reminded me of a parental tank of piranhas rushing for the academic holy grail, that is, enrolling your child into the crème de la crème institution. The rush is quite relentless and emotionally traumatic, as parents typically desire the best for their child.
That is why the parenting style of the principal of a primary school and a father of five is so refreshing, if not reassuring. Charles Chan has today spoken out about the different academic track of his children. His wife works as a communication specialist in a multinational company.
Most of their children did not take the conventional meritocratic route to academic excellence. Conventional route here refers to getting into the Express Stream, moving up to “O” levels, and then completing “A” levels before entering U.
Charles said that two of his children went through Normal stream. His eldest child “went to Normal Academic stream, and despite doing well in Secondary 1, decided not to transfer to the Express stream so that she could learn at her own pace.”
She then went through the Polytechnic Foundation Programme and is now completing her final year diploma in food science.
His second child, 18, took the “O” levels route and is now doing the International Baccalaureate (instead of “A” levels). His third child, 16, went to Normal Technical and was transferred to Normal Academic. He is now doing his N levels.
Charles’ fourth child applied for Direct School Admission but was not shortlisted. He ended up in the Express stream after PSLE.
And finally, his last child, six, will “soon go from his Ministry of Education (MOE) kindergarten to the same primary school next year.
There you have it, the Chan family multiple academic tracks for their five children. Their kids in fact covered most of the other academic tracks, that is, NT, NA, Express, IB, and Poly. As for their future, well, I am sure it is in good hands.
Lesson? Just one.
In the write-up, Charles said that some parents asked them why they seem so chill about their kids’ different pathways. Charles said: “We don’t scold them for failing tests. My only follow-up question to them is: Have you put in your best effort?”
Personally, I can identify with Charles because two of my three children are/was in the NA stream. They are doing well now, one taking her N levels next year and the other A levels. My youngest will be primary five next year. She is attending DAS (Dyslexia Association of Singapore).
Genetically speaking, my wife and I did not give birth to little einsteins. But they are ours nevertheless to treasure, to savour and to nurture. And that is a privilege of being a parent I keep reminding myself of, because I tend to take for granted sometimes when I compare them with the other kids who seem to excel academically, as if it was second nature to them.
After living on earth for 50 years, I do believe in natural selection in the gene pool where some are “natural born geniuses” and some are, well, just naturally born. That is a scientific fact because you can’t explain otherwise when a child is able to play chess and a few musical instruments at five, compose a sonnet at six, calculate in his mind big numbers at seven, and then enter university at 12.
Pardon me, but having kids is, at times, very much like queuing up to buy 4D (yes, genetically speaking). Not all will strike the first prize, that is, the glowing IP track towards a coveted civil service appointment for a career at commanding heights.
At times, a group of them (parents) will share the first prize. That’s swell, but it is just not you, who happens to be holding the one ticket that misses the mark by one or two numbers. Well, some do get consolatory prizes, and their kid’s academic pathway is quite secure with a smooth academic ride through to a bachelor degree, and possibly a Masters to boot.
In Singapore, most of us are eagerly queuing up for the winning ticket to academic excellence for our kids. I mean, who wants our kids to be working at the lowest rung of society doing menial task and earning peanuts when they can be sitting at a highrise office telling people what to do and what not to do, and storing up for themselves the whole peanut harvest for a secured retirement, right?
Alas. we want our kids to do well and we will do everything within our financial powers (for those who can afford) to make sure they get into the best school, the best class, secure the best teacher, the best exam papers, the best tutor, the best buddy who studies, instead of being mad about BTS. In our meritocratic frenzy, you can’t really blame parents for putting their kids first, and above everything else, right?
That is why the anti-lemming mindset of the Chan household makes for a refreshing read and lesson for me. Charles said: “We give our children space to find their way and decide how hard they want to push themselves. In any case, none of them wants to learn the piano though their mother plays it very well. No one has expressed a strong desire to be an educator.”
“We know that giving them their own space to grow, make mistakes and pick themselves up has helped them to become more independent lifelong learners.”
“Everytime we come across stressed parents and children, we are reminded that the journey of life is a process we want our children to discover and find joy in living, as they grow older and become more independent.” Kudos to you Charles.
Well, I know what I have written seems to be an indictment on most of our parenting style in Singapore; which is, if you think about it, is about scaling up the one-track academic pathway at all costs.
The raw reality is, our obsession for grades doesn’t show until we stare helplessly at the perforated sheet and the tears of our child streaming down his/her cheeks, pleading with us that the next time, they will do better. That is the parental nightmare where all our unfulfilled dreams get poured into a perceived leaking vessel of sore disappointment, right?
Well, you are not alone. In Singapore, that’s natural, almost a kind of parental bill of rights, that is, our right to expect the sky from our kids, regardless.
I don’t pretend to be any different because enlightened ideas that come with such jingles like “don’t worry, they will catch up” or “your child just need more time, that’s all” or “maybe he’s different for a reason” are ok, and I am chill about it from a philosophical POV until he or she brings the results home. Like sins are other people, bad grades too are other parents.
But then, truth be told, I have learned the hard way. I have been there, done that, wallowed hard, and commiserated in a pity-party of one before.
Yes, I do not hide my obsessions for grades well. yet over the years, I gradually find myself moving away from defining them by their grades to defining them by things that are much more intangible like the bond we share when we play board games together, the holding of hands when they stumble and fall, the crazy talks and teasings we engaged in during dinnertime, and the little encouragement along the way even if things don’t turn out as we had expected it.
I feel even more strongly now that these are the memories that will carry them through even in the worst of times, because the greatest difference we can make as a parent is not so much about celebrating with them when they are doing well, but it is about standing by them, embracing them and assuring them when they don’t do well.
For moments spent together walking through the valley is as important, if not more so, as moments spent with them when they are at the summit of their achievements. In fact, when we openly embrace the two pathways of our child’s maturity and growth, their summits always feel fuller, deeper and more enduring, if not more rewarding.
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