Recently I reluctantly bought a how-to marriage book entitled Making Marriage Simple by husband and
wife team Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt, PhD. I say “reluctantly” because the title seems a little off-putting. Its
subtitle reads “10 relationship-saving
truths” and I thought to myself, “How
simplistic?” Is that all to it? 10 truths and presto! everything just come together like raindrops and lollypop?
It is also not a tomb of a book. It is in
fact
only 149 pages long. I thought to
myself, “What can a short book like this
teach me about the long-haul, and sometimes punishing, trials and challenges of
marriage, and by extension, the growing pains of family life, the travails of
rearing up children and the growing old, wise and in love together?” But I
relented somehow and read it in one
sitting and felt that it was relevant, practical and
helpful.
Here are the 10 relationship-saving
truths from the book and how I applied it to my marriage.
1) Romantic
love is a trick. This is a kind of Bait-and-Switch
thingy. Most marry young. That is
where our hormones go wild. For most of us,
it is our first foray into the marital amazon. The irrational exuberance and
optimism are understandable. But when the shit hits the fan, the brochure
romance and bubbling champagne gradually turn into something unruly, unpredictable
and unexpected. Personalities start to clash, aspirations compromised, and the
honeymoon period mutates into time-dragging routines like taking out the
garbage, changing the bedsheets and cleaning up the toilet.
This is a reality check
for the newly wed where the romance bait switches into the roughness of living
together. In the book, the authors describe marriage as an act of reliving our
childhood. Somehow, we are drawn to our future partners who share the best and
worst traits of our parents combined, that is, our primary caregivers whom we
love. As a child, we are powerless to change our circumstances. We can’t choose
our parents or our siblings. But as an adult, we can. We marry with our eyes
open - so to speak. We
choose our partner. We actively participate in the holy matrimony and
strive to make a new life together. This is like a second childhood for us. The
authors write, “Marriage gives you this
chance to relive memories and feelings from your childhood, but with a
different, happier outcome. As a child you were helpless. As an adult, you have
power. You can work with your partner so that each of you gets your needs met.”
The way I see it is that there should be no illusions when two people
come
together for a lifetime union. But this is no reason for the couple to be
disillusioned or stay disillusioned. It is in fact an opportunity for the two
joined lives to start the growth and healing process through meaningful
engagement. As the openness, heartfelt sharing and intimacy grow, the healing
hastens and love flourishes. To me, this first truth is all about proactivity,
hope and mutual empowerment. It is actually the start of a beautifying process.
2) Incompatibility
is Grounds for
Marriage. This is expected, if not strange. We are taught to
look for compatibility or similarities in the other half. That's the “click” factor for marital connection. But that is also wishful
thinking. The differences and conflicts will come. It is just a matter of time.
The book describes two kinds of people in a marriage: the turtle and the hailstorm.
If you are the turtle, you are a loner. You need distance. You need your space.
You are self-introspective. If you are the hailstorm, well, you thrive on
contact. You
are sociable, active and a party live-wire. There are of course
many variations on the continuum between the turtle and the hailstorm, but I
think you get the point. My wife is definitely the hailstorm in our marriage
while I am the turtle. I like to be in my shell most of the time and she
is…well, everywhere. I like structure and she is less an enthusiast of it (to
put it mildly). Of course, there are other differences like how the couple
manage stress and conflict. But the point is about taking this
dance together
and sharpening each other’s poise over time. The turtle in me must learn to
open up and reach out to her. And the hailstorm in her must learn to be patient
with me. This is what makes the marriage exciting and meaningful. It not only
gives the couple something worthwhile to pursue, it also gives them the time to
discover and learn about each other. And this is another great opportunity to
create a great marriage.
3)
Conflict is Growth Trying to Happen. You can’t escape conflicts. The two truths
above bring this message home to us. This third truth belabors it a little more
by urging the couple to view conflict as a source of growth rather than a cause
of separation. If incompatibility is grounds for marriage, then conflict is
grounds for growth. The authors encourage the couple to stretch their emotional
muscles into new ways of being. They encourage the couple to work on their
feelings.
This is more than just a give-and-take. It is a sacrifice of one’s flaws at the
altar of selfless devotion. It is putting the interests and passion of the
other before yours. This is how the authors put it, “Real love is the harmonious intimacy you hoped for, the communion
created from a relationship built on mutual caring and respect. Like anything
worth having getting real love is a process.” The journey is no doubt long,
and sometimes painstaking, but the rewards are incremental and substantial.
Over the long
run, the intimacy gained translates into greater trust,
understanding and resiliency.
4) Being
present for Each Other Heals the Past. I guess this passage from the book
says it all about this 4th truth, “Today,
a new kind of marriage is emerging: the Partnership Marriage. This marriage
isn’t about you…or even your partner. The Partnership Marriage is about
some-thing that is greater than either one of you. It is about the two of you
helping each other
grow into full adulthood. And the healing of each other’s
childhood wounds is at the heart of this process.” The authors identify
these 4-step dance for the couple to
engage in: “You and your partner must: (1) help each other name your wounds;
(2) clarify what you both need to heal; (3) grow yourselves into becoming each
other’s healer; and (4) become stronger and more complete in the process.” This
actually takes a lot of opening up and the safest environment for this to
happen is
to remove all emotional toxins like criticism, blame and shame. We
have to create a safe space for our partner to share and to heal. This is the
beauty of the Partnership Marriage. The couple are moving towards completeness
together and by doing this, they grow stronger.
5) It’s
not WHAT you Say; it’s HOW you Say It. This is one issue that is often
overlooked. It is an issue that goes beyond being diplomatic or courteous. Our
partner is not looking for a
sounding board or an echo chamber. She or he is
looking for an active listener and the authors suggest these 3 steps to a
dialogue between spouses: Mirroring, Validating and Empathizing. Mirroring
involves what is called “Sender
Responsibility. That is, the Sender should send their message clearly and kindly.
Doing so increases the chance their partner will hear it. The Receiver then
Mirrors, that is, repeats back what they heard- using the Sender’s exact
words. ”
Then comes Validating, “the
Receiver now Validates the Sender’s words. Validating means that you “get” your
partner’s point of view. The Receiver does so by sincerely saying, “You make
sense.”” Here is the part of the book that resonates with me, “This doesn’t mean you, as the Receiver,
necessarily agree with what your partner said (though you might). Agreement is
not the goal. Everyone makes sense from their own perspective. It’s just that
everyone is coming from a
different perspective! And when you take time to see
things from your partner’s point of view, you will see that they do make sense.”
The last step is Empathizing. In the authors’ words, “Now it’s time for the Receiver to Empathize with the Sender by
suggesting a word or two that they think would describe the Sender’s emotional
state. When doing this, remember that there are four core feelings: glad, mad,
sad and scared. All other feelings are varieties of these, so you don’t have to
get
fancy and consult a thesaurus. Just suggest a simple feeling. Then ask your
partner if you got the feelings right.” My takeaway from this is that we
all come from different places or viewpoints. Our past experiences since birth
had shaped us in a certain way. So, we bring to our marriage different
emotional baggage and conflicting mindset. That is why the process of understanding,
healing and reconciling between the couple is a long drawn but meaningful
journey. There is no shortcuts or time-bending wormholes to
truncate the
process. Invest the time, plant the seeds, and you will be rewarded when
harvest blooms.
6) Negativity
is Invisible Abuse. How true. It
is said that the greatest lover is not a well-groomed superstar on stage but
someone who is able to love the same person for a lifetime. Now that takes the
cake, the wedding cake! Negativity will come like dust to a neglected house.
So, this 6th truth is about appreciating and encouraging our
spouse’s strength. It is also about sharing what the couple have in common and
creating a safe space to grow. The authors write, “Energy follows attention. The more you focus on the good, the more good
there will be to focus on.” I know
this intimately. I am a wound-pecker by
marital default. I always want to change my wife and to make her better
according to my ideas of what is right and wrong. This has been going on for
years. But I am forgetting that I can only demand changes from her if I focus
on her strength. And let her strengths do the self-convincing. Negative focus only creates a negative environment; a toxic
one of blame and shame. The book forewarns about being too critical with your
spouse. This usually leads to a competition of “I-am-right-and-you-are-wrong.”
This attitude is a
superiority-inferiority mindset. It is essentially divisive and
confrontational. Once the prejudging and prejudice is set, mutual suspicion and
distrust naturally arise. The authors also warn against giving constructive
criticism. I know the word "constructive”
is supposedly positive but the risk is that it is a cover up to force our idea
and opinion on our spouse. Even when we think we are being helpful, and our
intention appears justified (so we
say), the perception often is otherwise as
the damage is already done. Instead we should conscientiously do a focus-change
and be an advocate for our spouse and not a critic – however “noble” our
critical intention. This cheekily reminds me of this statement by CS Lewis in The Silver Chair, “But we all need to be very careful about our tempers, seeing all the
hard times we shall have to go through together. Won’t do to quarrel, you know.
At any rate, don’t begin it too soon. I know these expeditions usually end that
way: knifing one another.”
7) Negativity
is a Wish in Disguise. The authors state, “you need to recognize that behind every negative thought is an unmet
desire…And what is an unmet desire if not a wish?” We wish for our spouse
to change
but they must want to change. And their wanting to change would
depend on how our desire for them to change is communicated to them. This is
where clear and sincere relating comes in. The book recommends the following
strategic change of tact and disposition for maximum positive impact:-
“1) Use “I” statements (“I feel lonely”) not
“you” statements (“You’re never home”). “You” statements feel like judgments –
because they are! “I” statements,
on the other hand, invite your partner into
how you’re feeling.
2) Be brief and clear. Rambling on and on puts
you in danger of flooding your partner with more words and emotion than they
can handle. Using too many words is a problem for both Turtles and Hailstorms.
Flooding your partner makes them feel attacked…
3) You want your partner to respond, so choose
only one frustration at a time and state it
briefly. If they need more
information, trust me, they’ll ask. (Don’t exhume up past mistakes or
grievances in the heated moment. It will screw up everything, big time. Trust me on this).
4) Approach your partner when you’re feeling
calm. Ask any communication expert and they will tell you that over 90 percent
of how someone receives what you say has to do with how you communicate it to
them. So pay attention to any nonverbal cues you might be displaying, like your
tone of voice, the look in your eye, tapping of your foot, rolling your eyes,
sighing, etc. (that eye-rolling is my specialty).
5) Finally, never criticize, shame, blame, or
analyze your partner.”
So, simple? It’s
simple with practice and with practice, it becomes second-nature.
8) Your
Brain Has a Mind of Its Own. This 8th truth is about brain rewiring. It is
behavioral changes through controlling your thoughts and responses, words and
actions. The author writes, “You have the
power to rewire your brain. Building a Partnership Marriage actually changes
your brain chemistry, creating new neural pathways to support the work you’re
doing.” This is actually proven science on building good marital habits. The
book talks about two levels of brain
responses. The lower brain is called the Crocodile and the higher brain is called
the Owl. At the risk of
oversimplifying, the Crocodile is highly reactive and "responds spontaneously without stopping to
analyze a situation.” Sounds
familiar? It is the animal in us. And if you combine a Turtle (loner) with
a Crocodile, you get a flight response. He or she would completely withdraw
from a tense or inflammatory situation. If you combine a Hailstorm (party
animal) with a Crocodile, you get a fight response. He or she would roar
even
louder in a confrontation. Let’s talk about the Owl, the higher part of your
brain, which is “capable of more creative
and more sophisticated thinking.” The Owl in us strives for win-win situation. It is the rational
and calm side of us. The key is to consciously choose to control the Crocodile
by focusing on the Owl. This is the crucial part of reinforcing the brain
rewiring process. Of course, in a heated argument or a potentially explosive
situation, the Crocodile is not going to give up without a fight
because much
more is at stake like our ego, pride, anger, envy, bitterness and frustration.
These are emotions that can stir up a storm of fight or flight responses. So be circumspect please. For me, I have
dealt with both the Crocodile and Owl in many domestic situations with my wife
over the last 14 years. Sometimes I allowed the Crocodile to get the better of
me. I hid in my shell after a quarrel. But of late, I realized that I can make
a conscious and deliberate choice to allow the Owl in me to take full rein of
my runaway emotions. I do this by distancing my Crocodile and all the
explosive
emotions that come with it. Then, I take a deep breath and pull myself away to
reflect more about where all this is taking me (and trust me, it is without
fail taking me into an abyss of unresolvedness and bitterness). Instantly, I
realize the futility of the Crocodile side of me. With that, I manage to calm
down, to take charge of my emotions. This is where it is safe for the Owl to
descend and I do two things almost instinctively: I apologize for my conduct and I turn
the focus to understanding
my wife’s frustrations, grievances and anger. In
other words, I convert myself into a sincere and earnest listener (because I
treasure my relationship with her). Words then become scarce and my Crocodile
gradually retreats. And as I do this often enough, I realized that I have a
better grip and control over the Crocodile. That’s the rewiring brain part of
behavioral changes.
9) Your
Marriage is a Laughing Matter. I know this part well. One day, in a family
dinner, my son asked my wife, “Daddy is
not good looking, why you marry
him?” She answered without a pause, “He makes me laugh.” (whoa…she didn’t
even defend the “not good looking”
part!) Well, at the risk of self-congratulatory praise, I can’t really deny
that (I gave up on the looks long time ago). But most times, my wife and
children know that I am a morose joker. Being a Turtle, I am often withdrawn
and quiet (at home that is). Nevertheless, I value my family and my marriage
and strive always to make it a joyous environment for them. The authors
encourage couple to do fun things together, to share and care liberally, and to
stop taking
things so seriously. They write, “Connection and joy are two sides of the same coin. You can’t experience
joy without being peacefully connected.” And connection requires the
couple’s investment of time, effort and passion in making the marriage work
because it is worth it. This brings me to the 10th and final truth about marital worth.
10) Your
Marriage is the Best Life Insurance Plan. In a nutshell, the authors write,
“Over the last fifty years, scientists
have been
documenting what has come to be called the “marriage advantage”. Why
is it called this? Because married people, on average, are healthier, live
longer, enjoy higher incomes, and raise healthier families.” Of
course, one has to temper that with the saying, “Your greatest fortune, or misfortune, is your spouse.” I have done
many divorces over the years. And trust me, it is not a happy camper’s ride
should you be involved in a draggy and abusive relationship (whether in words
or conduct, or worse both). Putting aside idealism, and for the time-defying incorrigible
and impenitent, I will let you simmer on which of these two choices you should
privately encourage: “Unhappy marriage”
and “Happy divorce”. But I guess
ultimately, it is your marriage and it is really up to you guys to make the
difference. And this advice from the authors ends the
book well, “Be the change you wish to see!” It therefore
starts with us, with you and me, as this quote (by John & Stasi Eldredge “Love & War”) reaffirms it, “Learning to live with our opposite and all
their little quirkinesses is part of learning to love. “Love it is a rock,”
Shawn Mullins sings, “smoothed over by a stream.”” Cheerz.
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