Every morning, I will bring my daughter to school. It is
just before sunrise. She is in primary three. It is about a 15-minute walk. She
is actually quite talkative. She will talk to me about her friends, teachers
and homework. Now this is the part that is relevant. I will walk her to the
side-gate leading to her school and say my goodbye. The next time I see her
again will be when I return from work in the evening.
My point is that I will wait by the side-gate to watch
her
as she disappears into the corner, behind the adjoining wall. That short span
of time before I see her no more is about 12 seconds. During this brief moment,
I will lookout for her with her back facing me. While I stood still, she will
be walking away from me. But I am still present, within reach, nearby. And my
gut-feel tells me that she knows that.
My goodbye is therefore just dispensing with formalities.
It is not really goodbye in that sense. It is actually telling her that I will
be
watching her from where I am standing. And here is the emotional sweetener
for me. My deliberate wait is purposive. It is in fact a sublime form of
father-and-daughter's connection.
Eagerly, I will be waiting for that endearing response
from her. Somehow, my hunch tells me not to blink. My paternal instinct
whispers to me that it is coming. And right on the tugging of the heartstring,
it comes on cue. She turns back to look for me, trying to sort me out from the
crowd of parents seeing off their kids by
the side-gate. Without fail, she will
find me. It is like we never parted. Our eyes would meet for a split second or
two and the icing on the cake would be her returning smile.
That smile would be visibly strained no doubt - because
she is with her classmates - but it is enough for me. Just for that
second, just for that smile, I felt my heart skipped a beat. That is my defining
moment and it somehow condenses that 15-minute walk and 12-second wait into an
inflection point in my life.
Of course, she doesn't always turn back and smile as she
walks away. But when she does, I could feel that familiar seismic flutter in my heart, much like the butterfly effect of deep
enduring changes. And these are actually building-block moments for our
relationship. However routine this father-and-daughter exchange seems to
bystanders, to me, it is a metaphor for something rather meaningful. It is
teaching me the sacred responsibility of being the gatekeeper in her life. It
is telling
me to be her watchtower. Not in a Big-Brother sort of way but in a
quiet, unobtrusive and protective I-will-be-there-for-you kind of emotional
anchorage.
She can always count on me to unsparingly give her my
time, my support, and my unconditional love. I will always be there to
celebrate her little milestones in life. And I will never shirk or cringe or
hesitate when the occasion calls for me to be a little haven for her
when the storms of life come rushing in. Being imperfect myself, I will
shield
her from the storm and if I can't, we will weather it together. She will therefore not be alone. For this reason, she
should never doubt even for a moment that I share her heartbreak and her pain.
We are connected the day she was born and this bond endures even after I am
gone.
So, this brings me back to our morning walk and her
returning smile. These are the moments that I am always grateful for and will
treasure them whenever I myself need a little haven to ride out my own storm.
Alas, the day
will come when I take her by the hand and
walk her down another journey. It will be a traditional walk with ceremonial
pomp and fanfare. It will last a little lesser than 15 minutes I estimate. It
will be the most heartbreaking walk of my life. And when I let go and give her
away, I will be counting down the seconds. Old habits die hard. It may take a
little more than 12 seconds. But I will patiently wait. Because I know my hunch
well, and I know her even better. And when she turns back to find me, I will be
there for
her. We will then smile at each other and reaffirm our connection. It
is a connection that is unbreakable. It is the personal bond between a father
and his daughter. It is our bond of love. Cheerz.
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