This is the life of a family who cares about
what others think about them. The male protagonist is Doug and the female is
Carol. They are both obsessed with the opinions of others. It is important to
them. It is what they live for. They hang onto every word. That is the air they
breathe. This obsession really took flight after their marriage. In fact, they
met due to peer pressure. Friends in church told them they were made for each
other like Adam and Eve.
They flowed with their view and tied the knot after 4
months of courtship.
It was a record whirlwind romance for them.
They just felt right. The wedding came and went like clockwork. They did little
since most of the organization and coordination were done by friends and
relatives. Even their honeymoon to Bali was influenced by friends. After 9
months, the inevitable happened.
Doug and Carol had only one child. He is a boy
and he grew up fast. Their marriage was not made in heaven but was built upon
the opinions of many. Everybody had a say in how Doug and Carol should live
their life. It was a democracy of near chaos at times.
Even the decision to have one child was
arrived at on the insistence of the majority. For this reason, they constantly
live with the morbid fear that they would not live up to the expectations
of others. Sleepless nights were common because
they were afraid of what others
might think of them. They sacrificed privacy, autonomy and contentment for
public affirmation and acceptance. They cannot imagine living in a world where
they cannot please everybody.
It is said that those who live in a glass
house should not cast the first stone. For Doug and Carol and their only son,
they indeed lived in a glass house for full
public viewing and judgment. And
they were charitable masons who offered stones to the people to throw should
they live below their collective expectation.
Over the years, a few stones had been cast
their way when their son did not get the best nationwide grades for
"O" and "A" levels. In fact, he scored a
disappointing third in the entire school and a fortieth place nationwide.
But the disappointment was already sealed because not all expectations of
society were fulfilled. His best was never the best for them
and by extension,
his parents.
So their son lived his youth to regret
everything he did. Even his admission to the U was marred by a personal score
of second class upper that was just not good enough obviously. If a double
first was a tad too much, at least a first class would be the minimum - so
clamored the collective expectations.
Doug and Carol were in fact heartbroken. They
were visibly crestfallen when they attended his convocation. Their son simply
had not lived up to their
expectations, which was based on the expectations of
others. That day, they did not celebrate. They went home straight and had an
early night. Carol was in tears and Doug kept to himself for three weeks. He
did not speak to his son; not even a word of encouragement. If anything, his
son was a marginal failure to them.
Then there were the career of Doug and Carol.
It is said that much was given and much was expected. They were like the biblical
stewards who had invested everything they had for
a return that everybody could
be proud or envious of. But life unexpectedly was not smooth for them. No doubt
both Doug and Carol climbed up the career ladder without much hiccups. But they
did not meet up to expectations.
Doug retired as a vice-president of a medium
size trading firm and Carol retired as the head of department of a well known junior college. Both of them had been given awards and accolades for lifetime's
business and educational achievements. They
lived comfortably and had more than
enough for themselves and their son and their son's children. Yet, they
felt that they had missed the mark set by society at large. They agonized over
lost opportunities and hoped bitterly that they could have done better, gone
further, achieved more, and been more recognized.
They even blame their lack of focus and effort
for being a marginal failure like their son. They piled up decades-long regrets
into giant mental heaps and never enjoyed a night of peace and
contentment.
Even their prayers towards the end of their life were to ask for forgiveness
for not being exemplary stewards and living up to expectations.
All in all, they felt like they had buried
their talent in the ground to gather moss and earthworms. At their cremation - they died 4 months' apart - their son
gave largely the same eulogy. It went something like this:
"Dad (and mom) lived his life for others. He aimed to
never disappoint those who expected
him to not disappoint them. My dad had
little expectation of himself if not for the expectations others had on him. He
strove to be the best he could be by the standards of the best of the best in
society. Alas, he did not make it. His death is a testament of how he had
fallen short. He had sadly missed the mark. There were some victories of
course. But they were small consolatory victories. The big ones…he had missed
them all.
Before he died, he told me to not live the way he did, that is, to
consistently fail to live up to
the expectations of others. I suspect that he
also felt that I was a failure too...though marginally. This he had dutifully
kept to himself. But his disappointments were obvious to me. It was unhidden in
his glum look, his tolerant smile, his choleric mutters, his dispirited words
of encouragement, and his weary countenance.
If the apple did not fall far from
the family tree of disappointment, then I am afraid that I am going to end up
like him. As the longest running CEO of a multinational
pharmaceutical company,
which has won worldwide acclaim, I don't think I measure up too. There are
still lingering eyes of disapproval at the board and the world at large.
So,
goodbye dad (and mom). I will miss you very much. I hope I have not
disappointed you too much and driven you to your graves in the most subtle and
unintended ways. I guess our collective hopes now rest with our descendants.
Let's hope they will take up where we had failed and do us proud. Rest in peace
dad
(and mom). God knows that that was the one state of mind that had remained beyond
your reach in your living years.
Thank you for coming my beloved guests. I hope
the service tonight lives up to your expectations. Good night." Cheerz.
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