Consensual Sex - Part 1

 

What does consensual sex mean?

I went to Google it and this is one of the definitions: “In consensual sex the sexual arousal and possible induction of orgasm are normally the welcomed outcomes and it is tacitly assumed that a willingness to undertake and experience the activity is an important factor allowing arousal and orgasm to occur.”

Welcomed outcomes? Willingness to undertake and experience? 

Well, the article today is about an ongoing trial. This time it is about two SMU students. It’s about an overnight study session on campus. It happened in the early hours of Jan 8, 2019. And Lee Yan Ru, 24, denies that he “intent to outrage the woman’s modesty.” 

Lee insists that it was consensual, mutual, two-ways. It takes two hands to clap, and Lee is saying that they clapped. Now, here’s his version of facts. 

“”When she said “stop” to me, it was in a very jest(ful) manner... I believe she wanted me to carry on because throughout the night, she was getting more comfortable with me, there was this coy behaviour from her.”” 

He said: “To me, her “stop” did not actually mean a stop.”

That was a summary, here’s the full account, from his witness stand. 

Lee told the court that “he had rested his feet on the woman’s thigh, tickled her, tried to kiss her repeatedly, touched her breasts over her bra and exposed himself to her, but repeatedly said he thought she was fine with his advances.”

“In one incident, he stood facing her while she sat on the table and kissed her cheek, to which she responded “ew”, which he took as being in jest because of her tone.”

This is where Lee thought he had the implied consent. “He then pulled down his shorts and exposed his genitals to her, making contact with her thigh.” 

Strangely, they had a nap and Lee said he was glad she did not leave. Yes, she didn’t leave. 

“He (then) touched her left breast with both his hands to wake her up, (and) rubbed his exposed private parts against her chest.”

This is the point the woman said “stop”, but Lee said “a while more”, and the woman did not respond.

“So I carried on rubbing my exposed private parts across her chest.” He said the whole thing (after she said stop) took about 10 seconds. 

The woman then got up from the floor, turned to Lee and said to him to wait for her lawyer’s letter. “Imagine how disappointed your parents will be when they receive it...Your future is gone.”

“Lee said he was shocked to hear this because he believed the acts were consensual. He followed her as she left the study room and kept apologising because he did not want to “get into trouble.”” 

End of his account...

So, is this a “welcomed outcome”? Is this a case of one”s “willingness to undertake and experience”? 

Well, a trial is a trial, and the arbiter of facts will have to hear both sides and weigh their credibility. There is context to everything that happened. I will leave that as that. 

I now return to what I asked from the start: What is consensual sex? Where is the threshold when stop means stop, and no means no?

When two excitable and impressionable friends come together, when conduct becomes intimate, and in an environment that is conducive, even romantic, where is the point when two hands stop clapping? 

Surely, even if there were initial applause (so to speak), shouldn’t there be a point when one claps alone because the other is just not responding, or even resisting? 

And is this about the lack of education or respect for boundary? Yes, we men are more readily aroused than the opposite sex, and some things may be lost in translation as we become more excitable than the other party, but when she says “stop”, is it an appropriate response for one to say “a while more”? 

Mind you, it may be an invitation expecting a rsvp but does that mean that when one responds ok at the start, the other is then given the right to go all the way, regardless? 

And does silence means consent? Does one’s non-participation give the other the implicit permission to continue what he has been doing until he unilaterally reaches orgasmic pleasure? 

Adding to that, let me play devil’s advocate and ask this: What if she also experiences a certain forbidden pleasure arising from heavy petting, largely unilateral, and her reservation is coloured by it, with mixed thoughts of the unwanted consequences of an unwanted pregnancy, does that mean he can ratchet up a few notches to do as he pleases? Is accommodation of one’s action a translation of one’s approval of one’s action? 

Personally, I have two daughters. I know that for one of them, no means no, full stop. As for the other, I sometimes wonder whether her no will be as clear and assertive as a no. They have different personalities and some education would have to be instilled. 

Yet, what if it is a case of infatuation, and she likes him enough to allow him to go some distance but no further than that? Can her future boyfriend respect that? 

As a father, I would expect a no means a hold it, suspend it, and then a reservation that seeks to question the act itself. Take a breather so to speak, fight it down, stand back, and ask, “Are you okay?” Too polite? Too unimaginative? Too indecisive? Sorry, your “yes” is irrevocable?

Or is this what is expected of someone who truly loves the other and is prepared to put aside his own urges to understand her pauses? In other words, is it what is expected of someone who is serious enough about the relationship to hose down his lust because he respects her enough to make that connection beyond bodily sensation? 

And if it is mind over matter, can it be a mind overcoming, cos she really matters? 

For don’t we as parents want our child to find enduring love with a lifelong partner who is willing to learn to love, waiting patiently for the right time, a time when sex is made beautiful with responsibility and boundary, rather than someone who thinks love means one has to give in to him according to his time? 

Well, I know I ask a lot of questions here in this post, but sometimes, the best way to learn or understand is to learn it with some self-reflection on one’s part.